Saturday, March 21, 2015
Admitting my dream of what is real
So I admitted that I had a crush on a dead guy. I realize that makes no sense but it is what keeps me alive. It gives me a sense of hope in a dead mind like mine. I feel like I am losing it. I feel like I am going crazy. Having a crush on a dead guy does seem crazy but there are worse things and worse people to crush on. Nothing will ever happen between us. I never got to know him and he never got to know me. I am not proud of it but I am no longer ashamed of it. I have to reflect on it because the rest of my life is depressing. I really don't like me because I cannot see the rest of the world or their problems or their difficult lives. I can only see mine and I am not happy. I sleep, I dream, and that is mostly it. My days are filled with nothingness except for my crush. I feel as if there is at least a little bit of hope and happiness out there because of him. I know I might sound crazy but this is true. I know something is wrong but nothing is wrong. Maybe I have no life inside of this world, but in my dreams and in my fantasy world, I have a wonderful life, because I actually have a life.