Saturday, March 21, 2015

Admitting my dream of what is real

So I admitted that I had a crush on a dead guy.  I realize that makes no sense but it is what keeps me alive.  It gives me a sense of hope in a dead mind like mine.  I feel like I am losing it.  I feel like I am going crazy.  Having a crush on a dead guy does seem crazy but there are worse things and worse people to crush on.  Nothing will ever happen between us.  I never got to know him and he never got to know me.  I am not proud of it but I am no longer ashamed of it.  I have to reflect on it because the rest of my life is depressing.  I really don't like me because I cannot see the rest of the world or their problems or their difficult lives.  I can only see mine and I am not happy.  I sleep, I dream, and that is mostly it.  My days are filled with nothingness except for my crush.  I feel as if there is at least a little bit of hope and happiness out there because of him.  I know I might sound crazy but this is true.  I know something is wrong but nothing is wrong.  Maybe I have no life inside of this world, but in my dreams and in my fantasy world, I have a wonderful life, because I actually have a life.
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