Friday, January 31, 2014

"Let's Go All the Way" by Sly Fox

I love this song.  The beats and the singing are so fantastic!  Yes, I am being nostalgic again.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Writing is Cathartic

I have spent time in the past writing out examples of thoughts that I have been having. It has been hard to read out those thoughts yet I have managed to keep them for future reference. I realize that today I am not 100% better. I have been having obsessive thoughts and suffer from scrupulosity for a number of years. All I ever wanted was for my thoughts to weaken. I am happy to say that my thoughts about MR and CO have weakened. I wrote a rather vulgar story about MR and CO that has helped me to realize that I don't know them. The chances of my knowing them are slim to none. I will never know them as far as I know. It is all vanity; therefore it doesn't matter. I wonder what my stories would say about them. What would they say about infidelity? These stories and this paragraph is connected to what I have written last night. I need to read up my thoughts and change my reaction to these thoughts and have a different opinion on these scenarios. I need to move and know how to move forward. If it means to be anxious and feel fear every once in a while, then so be it.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The "Cult" of Celebrity

I have no clue what kind of person he or she is, but it seems that we are so quick to judge celebrities in a society where many profess Christ. Notice I only wrote profess. Is it ever okay to condemn a celebrity? In other words, why do so many people say "I don't like (fill in the blanks)" or "I hate (fill in the blanks)" even if they don't know the celebrity. The chances of meeting them are slim to none. On the opposite side of the coin, we have people who seem to "worship" the ground the celebrities walk on. I assume that it has always been this way.

For example, lets talk about Justin Beiber, ironically. I don't know the guy and the media reports on him however they wish (hopefully they don't lie and try to be truthful without ungodly judgment), but should we not pray for him no matter what he is doing? Have we always lived in a celebrity-obsessed culture and why do many, in a society where the majority profess Christ' literally obsess with the "cult of celebrity"?

I sound hypocritical because based on my posts on Mickey Rourke, I am no better. However, I believe that I am feeling better now and my thoughts about him have lessened. I too think that I am guilty of the same thing, but my experience has made me wonder why not only I, but many others think this is normal or acceptable. In my case, it may be OCD, but I cannot speak for others. I have since repented.

My question and point is this: If we were a society that is truly a Christian nation who does more than profess Christ, how different would our views of celebrities be? Would we be praying for said celebrity ( provided we never met him or her) or would we pass judgement on that person? Sometimes I believe that too many believers have no idea about judging people in a way that is godly. Too many believers condemn them, but others say that we shouldn't judge on the other side of the coin. What would or should our view of celebrity be?

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Motivation to lose weight

Why do I really want to lose weight?  What are my motivations?  Do I really want to lose weight?  How motivated am I?  What do I want?
1               I want to fit into my old clothes.
2               I want to be able to do things that are physically impossible now compared to what I can do when I lose the weight. 
3               I want to be able to move better and have the ability to do more exercises.
4               I would feel more comfortable in my own skin, thus, be less self-conscious.
5              I would like to be able to fit into smaller, more crowded spaces such as chairs and benches at fast food restaurants.      
6              I want to look at myself as a more attractive person so that I won’t feel ashamed of my appearance.
7              I would lose weight therefore I no longer feel guilty about my weight.
8              I would feel so much better about not taking so much medication.
9              I would be able to vocalize that I did something and stuck to it.
10           I want to be able to do the things that others take for granted such as the ability to put on my socks and tie my own shoes.
11           I want to overcome blood sugar and blood pressure problems.
12           I want to be able to overcome PCOS.
13           I want to be able to buckle my seat belt.
14           I want to feel like I am in control of my eating.
15           I want to be able to put on my bra and other clothes that were difficult to put on such as underwear.
16           I want to see a shapelier young woman with a flatter stomach.
17           I want to not be in pain or sick as often.
18           I want to pray about maintaining my weight instead of the motivation to lose weight.
19.          I want to be more proud of myself.
20.          I want to have a normal blood sugar so that I won’t feel as if my blood sugar is too low or too high.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Danca la Solidao by Marisa Monte

I don't speak Portuguese or any other foreign language for that matter.  "Danca la Solidao" is a song that is quite beautiful.  It makes me want to learn Portuguese all over again.  Marisa Monte is one of my favorite artists.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Gratefulness for journey

It is better to be grateful.  It makes life worth living.  I admit that I complain too much.  I really do.  Rarely do I take the time to be grateful.  That is to my great shame.  Here are a list of things as far as my weight loss journey that I am grateful for or rather, are my strengths.

1. Lost a few pounds in the first few weeks.
2. Knowledge about eating in moderation.
3. Learning how to follow a schedule.
4. Affirming myself daily.
5. Have great motivation to diet and exercise, thus take better care of myself.
6. Set goals to lose weight that are realistic.
7. Daily renewal of my mind, meaning I am not frustrated, but keep my mind on an even keel.
8. Follow a weight loss plan that I will continue to use.
9. Being more truthful about myself than I have ever been before.
10. Learning about planning meals, thus not allowing myself to overeat but learning to eat in moderation.

I am grateful for those things that I have learned and acquired.  I myself have come a mighty long way and I will keep on improving.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Faith, Hope, and Love

Love is not jealous, but is kind.
Hope is intertwined with faith and love.
Faith is the evidence of things hoped for and the evidence of things that are unseen.

I didn't always understand what it means.  We cannot be believers without hope, faith, and love.  We might as well not even be called a true believer in Christ if we have neither faith, hope, and or love.  Those three just go hand in hand in hand.

I recall that there was a painting or photo about three Native American women who each symbolized hope, faith, and love.  Like in the second sentence, hope is most definitely intertwined with faith and love.  We are to be kind to one another, faithful in giving, living, and serving, and hope in the One and Only True and Living God.

There is a future with our King.  All of us have an eternal destiny.  Will one hope in the Lord, have faith in Jesus, and love God with all of his or her might? That is a sum of a believer's life.

Friday, January 24, 2014

The perils of lying and fear

I am happy today.  I am contemplating about my life.  I am just happy that all is well.  I am fearful of a lot of things.  However, I feel that it was something that I could overcome.  I have allowed fear to dominate my life.  I have OCD and fear and anxiety are part of the equation.  I also have doubt and uncertainty in my life.  There are things that I wanted to write today that I simply forgot.  I am being truthful about this which is what I need.  I need to be less fearful and more truthful to God, myself, and others.  I sometimes lie because I am afraid.  I am afraid that something bad would happen.  Today I believe strongly that I have been forgiven.  I forgive myself for lying to all.  It is time that I would unleash.

Thursday, January 23, 2014


I am contemplating but not much.  I eat food because of celebration or because I have given up.  I am now in a stable place with my eating.  It is ironic because I still have a ways to go as far as eating a healthy diet.  All I know what to do is to keep it simple enough by having goals and sticking to them.
Even that is hard, but hopefully I will get through it.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Goals, plans, and gratitude

I am meditating on the fact that I don't eat healthy.  I need to eat healthy in order to lose weight.  I don't eat foods high in fiber enough.  I would like to lose some more weight.  I need to have goals from my life.  I am not bored.  I have a life to live and I am going to live it.  Life is too short not to plan and also life is too short to complain.  The best gift in life when one is bored is to do something about it.  Life is also too short for a closed mind with an open mouth instead of an open mind with a closed or open mouth.  We all have something to say and something to do.  Do something new.  Do something different.  It is all me rambling on but the point is, I need to plan and live out those plan.  Set goals that are realistic and beneficial and keep and open mind and don't complaint about what one doesn't have.  It is being thankful for what one has.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

A boring life

Maybe I should start to set goals for my life.  Right now, life is boring.  I have no idea what I am doing right now other than typing and watching Dr. Oz.  Sure I learn a lot from Dr. Oz and I learn from going online but it isn't the same as actually getting out and enjoying life.  Maybe I should learn from this site about how not to live a boring life.  This person has 50 ways to live a more exciting life.  A few of them caught my eye.

1. Have goals, pursue them with passion.
2. Do something differently than you normally do.
3. Take a chance.
5. Take a different route to work.
6. Learn something new.
7. Read a book for pleasure.
8. Write a book.
9. Finish something you started.
10. Do something that you haven’t done in years.

Wow.  I can relate.  When was the last time I have written a short story?  When was the last time I have tried Japanese food?  I haven't tried Japanese food, but the point is the same.  I need to do more with my life.  I would like to take up a hobby or something.  I was bored with listening music today.  I couldn't finish listening to many songs today.  I correlate listening to a song with whatever mood hits me.  That is just how I am.  What is it that I want to learn?  What is it that I like to do?  The problem is that I keep procrastinating or I lack the wisdom that I need to know what to do.  Either way,  I would just like to do something new and different.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Weight Watchers

I have been on Weight Watchers before and I was frustrated.  I was not as patient back then.  I wish I had stayed longer, but that is my goal now.  I want to do well on this program.  I have done better to eat the right combination of foods and to eat within my point limit.  I have learned not just about what to eat, but how to eat.  Diet has been a big problem as to why losing weight was such a journey.  I lost almost 30 lbs and gained most of that weight back.  I am a diabetic and I don't wish to go back.  I am no longer as frustrated and now I understand what I need to do.  I have now made better decisions by setting realistic goals.  Now, all I have to do is follow them.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Abstain from all appearance of evil

I have learned that a key to true discernment is to abstain from all appearance of evil.  I am not sure what it means as written in God's word however.  I guess it means that if there is something that would cause a believer to engage in sin or to stumble, then one should stay away from it.  I believe it would also mean to guard my heart, and think on things of God.  A Christian is to be grounded in truth, in God's Word and let the Holy Spirit lead the way.  I myself can rest assured that this is true.  That gives me great comfort in knowing that I am not alone.

Saturday, January 18, 2014


I am a person who is in need of discernment.  I realize that discernment is something that every Christian is supposed to have in terms of identifying false prophets even if some have the gift of discernment.  This is what I was concerned about today.  There are many false prophets and false teachers of the gospel.  This is a great concern to me.  I want to be true and faithful to the Lord and it is upsetting to me that there are people who are in need of Jesus.  How come there are so many false believers and not enough chosen harvesters?  Maybe I should examine the Word for myself and not worry about what others do, even though that doesn't seem to be good advice.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Not perfect or flawless

I have not been perfect, or rather, flawless today.  I ate a lot of yogurt which all but gobbled up my points.  I have learned that fruits and vegetables are the way to go since they don't count any points.  In other words, being on Weight Watchers is teaching me about healthy eating.  So far, it hasn't been easy, but I guess it is the first week mistakes.  I have to do this or I have to do that is a big mistake and it produces failure.  What should be on my mind is to set a realistic goal based on the probable causes of failure.  I did just that this week.  I hope to follow those plans but not so religiously that I end up failing.  I would like to have order in my life.  I just want a sense of stability.

Thursday, January 16, 2014


Hopefully I have set some realistic goals for myself.  I realize that failing to plan something realistic is just as dangerous as planning to fail.  The crazy thing is one plans and one procrastinates.  Never put off for tomorrow what one can do today.  That is the lesson that I have learned.  I also wondered if in life where perfection seems almost impossible if most people plan to fail.  Failure is not an option.  I must do well. That is something that has put too much pressure on me because I end up failing anyway.  I have not learned much from my failures and that has been the problem all along.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Perfectionist complex

I admit it.  I believe that I have a perfectionist complex.  I have allowed others to determine how I should live.  That is why I care so much for what others think.  I realize that planning to succeed involves not caring what others think.  It also involves planning to overcome this perfectionist complex that I have.  I cared so much not just because I wanted others to like me, but because I wanted to do well.  I have set the bar to high for myself.  I also set the bar too low for myself because of a lack of confidence.  I have to learn to set more realistic goals so that I can succeed.  I am a fallible human being and I cannot recall a perfect, flawless day.  Some days are better than others.  These past few weeks have been good but I have not been perfect any of those days as I recall.  I don't want to set the bar too low because of my mistakes.  How to do that also involves planning.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


I have learned to not sweat the small stuff.  I wonder though if the obsessive thoughts count as small stuff.  I have learned that if something is in the back of my mind, then I am not clearly over it.  I guess the small stuff are what was on the back of my mind.  The obsessive thoughts are hard to ignore and even harder to not react to.  They are there and they are annoying but sometimes it is difficult to manage them.  I guess I have to realize that the fear associated with them is what I was sweating about.  Who or what am I afraid of?  Why do I have these thoughts?  I guess I will never know.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Guilty as charged

I have struggled and struggled a lot.  I am here to write that taking great tribulation is a rather difficult thing for me to do.  I think about tomorrow often and I also doubt often.  But God has forgiven me for my lack of faith and for that, I am thankful.  I am often guilt-ridden about things and why is that?  I believe it stems from having a conscience, which is good.  All of us humans need to have a conscience about things, but there are some which seem to lack one.  That is so sad.  I don't mean to come across and arrogant as I write this.  I also admit that I need to be thankful more often.  It is not because someone else has a bigger cross to carry which should be a reason, but because there was Someone who has died for us.  We as humans no matter how guilt-ridden, have a reason to be thankful.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Planning to Fail

What about a failure to plan?  The problem is that I have planned to failure and planned for failure.  I understand people who fail to plan yet I don't understand how people don't have a plan.  Having to plan is a lot of hard work and dedication.  Which means maybe I should not plan though it means to fail.  It is confusing but it seems as if my life is quite confusing.  Maybe that has been the problem.  I confuse even myself.  That is why I plan to fail.  I mean, I plan to succeed.  I would like to be held accountable not only by myself but also to myself.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Failing to Plan

Failing to plan means just that: failing to plan.  The truth is, I didn't have a set plan to lose the weight.  I was always fearful.  Fear is tormenting.  All of my plans seem to have come to naught.  I plan to eat this many calories per day because I was struggling to eat a certain amount of calories.  It seemed too unrealistic yet I wanted to lose weight.  I became obsessed with calorie counting but I didn't spend enough time eating foods that were good for me despite them either in a bowl waiting to be eaten or in a can just "sitting there" in a pantry.  I didn't eat well and I didn't take enough time to plan my meals.  I was fearful that I would change my mind.  I did what I feared the most.  Not only did I change my mind.  I changed my entire routine over and over and over again.  So basically I just quit and started binging.  I felt like there was nothing that I can do.  I wasn't accountable yet I was held accountable.  I have set unrealistic standards for myself and I ended up gaining most of my weight back anyways.  I would like to start over but I keep on doing that and I still did not lose any weight.  Not to mention also that I was overeating at the time.  I knew and felt that I was taking time to be proactive but I quit.  Winners don't quit and quitters don't win.  That is a motto I certainly don't want to have for myself or for my life.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Planning or Failure?

I wonder what is worse, failing to plan or planning to fail.  Lately I have been doing both.  My plans to lose weight have failed.  I need to learn how to plan better than I did. I failed to make plans and I continue to overeat and binge.  I have a binging problem.  I need help.  I have an issue that I need but I realize that binging itself is not the problem.  The real problem is the emotions and the reasons why I binge.  I just gave up on myself.  I have done things that have caused me to give up on myself.  I will no longer give up.  I will endure.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Grown folks music nostalgia

I just love being nostalgic.  There is a bit of blindness when it comes to the "good ole days".  But when it comes to nostalgia, even the worst days become the good days.  I don't know what it is about going back in time, but there is nothing like reliving your past and celebrate all that is good about it.  Maybe there is some blindness, but I wonder why no one wants to remember the worst unless the worst has happens to them.  Songs like these take me to a simpler time, or so it seems.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Journey of weight loss

I feel a whole lot better today.  I am still concerned but I am sure that will never change.  I hope not though. I am reminded of those who don't have enough to eat, who weigh more than 300-400 lbs.  I am saddened and feel sorry for them.  I wish I myself could help someone who is starving or obese.  Many of the obese are food addicts who are really in a lot of pain. But no matter what, it is still up to the individual to reach a healthy weight.  Some people will be smaller or larger than others.  I am reminded of those who are also underweight not just because of starvation, but because of eating disorders.  I cannot imagine the pain and excruciation they go through because of their condition.  My weight is and should be an issue, but I still have to remind myself that there are others who go through a lot worse.  There are many with much larger crosses to bear.  Hopefully one day we will all do something about our weight (notice I said we) in order to be healthy.

This "war on obesity" we have should be about physical fitness, health, and individual well-being.  I am not even sure if it is a war.  It is a struggle and it is a journey, but wars involve winners and losers.  I wonder if the reason it is called a war is really deep down a way for the individual to be controlled by government and school officials, instead of parents, doctors, and the individuals.  Granted, I have seen more overweight people than ever, but I have yet to see so many overweight people, who, are often stereotyped and demeaned because of their size, that there should be a war on obesity.  My point is, I see war and epidemic as words used to scare, control, and divide people.  That is just how I feel about it.  My journey is not a war and I don't believe that it is an epidemic like the Spanish flu or AIDS.  Granted, obesity and unhealthy weight increases the risk of health problems, but like I said, I don't want anyone to tell me or to tax me, either.  I want, need, and desire to lose weight, but can anyone say that I am lazy and gluttonous?  I can but they can't because I am the one who gained my weight and this is my journey.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Musings about my weight issues

I need to lose weight, this I know.  I have the guidance, desire, and motivation to lose the weight and keep it off.  I wonder how much money it will cost to start up a program.  You see, I need to learn how to eat and eat properly.  I want to be healthy and stay healthy.  I would like to be able to do the things that my family and others can do.  I can say that life is too short to be so indecisive, but it is the truth.  I feel great about today.  I cannot think of anything else today.  Weight is an issue of health, fitness, and overall well-being.  That is what overcoming obesity should be about.  Some of us need to eat healthier and exercise while others have hormonal issues.  There are many reasons why some people are fat.  I shall remember that one size does not fit all.  That is not how reality is sometimes.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Jesus is my N***a

The video was called "Rapping for Jesus".  While I feel that it is not nice to laugh at anything religious, I have to question the seriousness of the video itself.  N***a is a word that I would just not use.  It is a sincere effort to leading young people in urban areas to Christ.  However, it makes me wonder if there are people who have been given ammunition to mock Christianity and Christians.  I am also sure that the people are nice people and it is okay to have unorthodox ways to reach to the lost and backslidden, but I wonder if calling Jesus a N***a the best way of going about it.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Being thankful

I thank God for giving me the desire to lose weight.  I know that with God, all things are possible.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

The issue


Give me the desire and motivation to lose weight.

This has been my desire as I continue to binge.  I have been eating mindlessly for the past few weeks and I am trying to get myself motivated, but I have all but given up.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Hopefully, I will be okay

I have an issue with my weight.  I gained most of my weight back.  I feel really sad about it.  I want to lose weight and I know I need to lose weight.  My motivation is not as great as it once was.  I need some help to gain my momentum.  I have a binging issue. I really need help.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Regenerate and take responsibility

I need to regenerate myself.  I am under some stress.  After the end of the holiday, I need to lose the holiday pounds.  I gained most of my weight back. I could say that I am worried, but what good has worrying done? None.  I would like to say that I am over concerned and that I should be worried about my weight.  My weight has got to come down.  I am concerned but as silly as it may sounds, I need to relax and take inventory about my weight.  I don't  have the desire as I once have.  I want to lose weight but I am not in a hurry though I know I should be.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year 2014

Today is the New Day of the New Year 2014.  So far, it has been a very sleepy day.  I have had good food and I am watching some good tv.  I'm not complaining.  I am also listening to good music.  Right now I am thinking that I will be 40 later this year, but I am complaining that I will be okay though.  What is being 40 anyways?  Maybe it will be just another year?  I am young and happier than ever.  There is just nothing with that.  I realize that I will have a bright future if I live the way I have been living this past year.  I feel great about this year.  I will have my ups and downs like I did last year but I do wonder if happiness is what one makes of it.