Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Monday, April 29, 2013

Change in style

Sometimes change is good.  Sometimes change is not.  Well, I have to admit that I did not like how my light hairstyle turned out.  I had to re-dye it.  I am sure that it was a good idea.  I only dyed part of my hair.  The rest I left alone.  So in that regard, change is definitely good.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Love and music

I love love.  I love the concept of love.  I love everything about it from the music...oh well.  This song by Debarge reminds me why there is and needs to be love in this world.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Style change: going lighter

I wondered what it would be like to have a style change.  Well, I did it.  I bleached my hair.  Finally, something different for a change.  It is different from the usually boring Saturday afternoon.  Going blonde or at least partially blonde is something that I wanted to do for years, but last time, it didn't work out.  I realize that I have to be careful whenever I bleach or color my hair as hair weakens due to the chemicals.  What I did was even more risky as my hair is relaxed.  I should have waited.  I am satisfied with the results yet it is quite brassy at the moment.  On the other hand, it matches the reddish-burgundy hair color that I have.  I have spent a lot of time making style changes over the past year.  I am surprised that I have not had any issues with hair damage, breakage, or falling out.  I guess because I managed to keep my hair in good enough condition where I am smart enough at least to never do that again.  I will wait to reveal my hair once it becomes a little bit blonder and a little less red.  It is someone of a orange-honey blonde color which I mentioned ironically goes well with my darker burgundy hair color.  I wish I had used toner and such.  I don't have the blonde highlights shampoo and I don't plan to use it for a while, but it is a style change that I believe in.

Friday, April 26, 2013

No need for introspection here. My recipe for coconut cake.

Recipe for coconut cake


2 cups white sugar


3 cups self rising flour


4 eggs


1/4 tsp butter extract


1 Tbsp vanilla extract


1 package instant coconut creme pudding


1 5-oz. can of evaporated milk


1/3 cup half and half cream


2 sticks butter or margarine


Directions: Set temperature to 350 degrees.  In a large bowl, mix softened butter, sugar, eggs, and extracts.  Make sure to slowly add eggs, one at a time until thoroughly mixed.  The mixture should be “fluffy” and “creamy” in texture.  Then mix in the flour, pudding, milk, and half and half cream until the batter is well mixed.     Then in two 8” or 9” greased and floured pans, pour in the batter.  Bake for 30-40 minutes.  Insert a knife or toothpick; if the knife or toothpick come out of the cake clean, then it is ready.  Let the cake cool for about half an hour at room temperature.  After the cake is cool, then frost each cake layer and cover them with the sweetened (unsweetened) coconut.


To frost the cake, use use two cans of vanilla frosting, one can of cream cheese frosting, and white chocolate chips.


Melt the chocolate chips for several seconds, then mix in a small to medium bowl with the cream cheese frosting.  All of this will be used to spread the top of the bottom layer.  Then with the two cans of vanilla frosting, spread the rest of the cake.  Finally, cover the cake with the sweetened (or unsweetened) coconut, making sure all of the cake is covered.  Then serve.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Admitted unhealthy obsession with a celebrity

I am a believer who has an unhealthy obsession with a celebrity and I wish to overcome it. It is unhealthy because thoughts and images in my mind have woken me up late at night once. I am bipolar and this is during a manic phase. I am no longer manic but I hope that I won't become depressed over it. I am embarassed to even mention the man's name. I have obsessed over a man in the past and it wasn't something that I am proud to admit. I don't wish to obsess over this man. I even have impure thoughts about this guy and I as a believer know that it is just no longer a crush. An obsession may start out as a crush but I know it can get worse over time and I don't want that. I don't know how to have a crush on someone.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The effect humor has on OCD

Humor is a great medicine for OCD.  I just love to laugh.  I love funny things, but sometimes what someone finds funny, others may find offensive.  I like random things that can be funny, I guess I do.  I just want to laugh.  It is great to have a sense of humor about oneself.  That is the amazing thing about humanity.

I don't mind the occasional joke every once in a while.  Sometimes humor can cross the line but a good clean joke is all in fun and not to be taken seriously.  I am writing about humor because it is something that has been on my mind lately.

Having OCD is not fun and is no joke.  It is no laughing matter having to deal with guilt, anxiety, and fear rolled up into one.  Sometimes a little humor is great for having OCD.  Life is serious, yes, but it is a great distraction from the usual daily grind.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

An introspection about nature

Nature is definitely God's creation.  I wasn't sure what I was going to blog about but I tend to blog on a daily basis.  The book of Psalms says that the earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof.  I guess that means that humanity is a part of nature too.  I never thought about it that way until just a few minutes ago.  We are His creation, whether we recognize it or not.  Let us take the time to thank Him for being the Creator and the Ultimate Artist.  He created the trees, the clouds, and even the artists themselves.  All of us are Creation, so I guess what I am saying that creation equals nature and we should be respectful of it.  I am not an environmentalist or anything like that but we need to take care of ourselves and all that we have.  We could lose what we have especially in the short span of life we all lead.  It is intospective of me and I am becoming wiser about the world around me.  Ironically my introspection can sound like I am being arrogant, but think about it for a moment.  God has a plan for nature just like He has a plan and a purpose for us.  God gave us an assigment no matter if we lack a social life as I do or you work 40 hours a week and have enough of a social life.  We are to love nature and all that is in it.  There is just too much hate in the world because we don't take the time to be grateful to the One who created it all and started it all.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Social life and wrestling

Pro wrestling isn't fake.  That is how I feel about it.  It is an athletic endeavor, an athletic event, or sports theater.

I have loved pro wrestling ever since I could remember.  I probably will never grow out of it no matter how hard I try.  I am not a part of the business nor would it ever happen but I actually thought about being a wrestler when I was younger.  This is true.

I have a confession to make.  I never attended a live event.  I wonder what it would be like to attend a live event.  The crowds, the sights, the smells, and people watching the event on tv.  You know, the other side of viewing.  I wish I could go to an event.

In fact, I wish I could do a lot of things.  I need to go out more and that is something that I would like to work on as my life is rather boring at the moment.  I wonder what it will be like to be at a sporting event or an opera.  I am just tired of just watching it on tv or online.  It is something that I need to be proactive about.

I have an issue with stepping out and facing the world, though I realize that I need to.  I like to listen to music, watch sports and other things on tv, watch wrestling, and using the internet.  This blog is honest and real because I am expressing thoughts that need to come out.  I love this blog.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Jesus is returning soon

Tonight, I have absolutely nothing to truly muse on.

Wait a minute, yes I do.

Do I believe that Jesus is coming near?

Personally, I think that He is.  The signs of His soon coming return are all around us.  Granted, the last days have been a long time.  Plus, it has been said that He is returning many years ago and preachers have been saying this for many generations now.

I do wonder when Jesus when He will return.  He is even at the doors says the Bible.  I have been interested in eschatology for a long time now and even have read websites and watched videos on it.  It seems that Jesus is coming back so much sooner than even I expected.  I am however, no expert. The Word of God clearly states that we don't know the exact date or time when He returns, but there are so many signs all around us.

Things have changed so much in just the last 30 years even.  Morality has changed.  How people think of things have changed.  It is quite interesting that what is considered taboo even 30 years ago is no longer as taboo.  We are a more politically correct yet more godless society, at least in the US.  I believe that when there have been controversies over religion such as posting the Ten Commandments in courthouses and schools that we have "opened a Pandora's box" sort of speak.

That is only my opinion.  I do look forward to His return and I hope that I will be watchful and be ready.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Standing on God's promises

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

My God shall supply all my needs according to his riches and glory through Christ Jesus.

I don't mean to just cherry pick Bible verses, but it is great that we can stand on his promises for they ring true, every single time.  I am thankful to God that He is the way, the truth, and the life.  No man can come to the Father but by Him.  If any of His children shall ask Him in name of Jesus He will do it.  No matter what is going on around us and no matter what we face, and while it can be easier said than done, stand on those promises.  Give thanks that there is a God who not only loves us, but is truthful and answers prayers.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Cruhes v Obsessions

I have a crush on a man who I think he was and still is handsome.  He is older, but there is a certain level of sexiness about him.  The problem is, I will never meet the guy.  Maybe that is a good thing as he is an actor that I will never, ever meet.

I realize that the crushes that I have on men have told me a few things: 1) I am bi-curious, not bisexual
2) I needed to know the difference between a crush and an obsession.

I now realize that I am obsessed with this guy, which is what I am afraid of.  I was obsessed with a guy who has disrespected me in college.  I thought I was in love with this guy, but it was a crush that turned into an obsession.  Crushes don't hurt, but obsessions do.  That is the big difference.

Crushes aren't degrading, but obsessions can be.  I am obsessed with this actor but I don't have posters of him on my wall or anything like that.  I just like to look at him and such.  Maybe I am overwhelmed with this.

My crush/obsession woke me up.  Huh?

I had a good night's sleep and all of a sudden I woke up with images of him on my mind.  Crushes are not troubling but obsessions are.  I guess because I was in a manic state that would make the obsession much much worse.  Crushes are more like fantasies while obsessions carry over into the real thing.

It makes me muse on how I would handle myself in a relationship.  I am single so I don't have much experience in a relationship.  I would know what not to do in a relationship.  I have not stalked this actor and nor would I go to jail for anyone.  Mentally and physically, I am doing just fine.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Musings, Fantasy, and reality

I wonder if I am too busy blogging or too busy musing.  Allow me to explain.  Musings are about being deep in thought and I have yet to give a deep thought in a while.  I mused about this this afternoon.

I know that I wrote about religion, but was it a muse about religion?  I may have written about music, but really?  I posted a few vids and that is it.  The truth is, music is universal and it soothes the soul.  At least it soothes mine, considering what I go through on a daily basis.

It feels like that I am in deep thought.  I should always be in deep thought.  Hence the word musings in my title.  Maybe musings mean thoughts and that is okay.  I wish I had written the word thoughts instead of musings.  I am in the mood for a lot of introspection.

Tonight I am writing about fantasy vs reality.  I live in a fantasy world because reality can suck.  Reality often sucks.  Yet reality can be a good thing.  It keeps one grounded and it keeps one "sane".   But fantasy keeps one's mind creative whereas reality can keep one depressed at times.  I know what that is like.  It can be hard to muse and be introspective when you live in a fantasy world and try to put fantasy and reality together.  Therefore, reality wins. 

My fantasy world includes what I want things to be.  Reality is boring, harsh, depressing, and more mundane.  That is what I have learned.  I want to be a physically beautful person that men and women are attracted to.  I am not gay or bisexual but I have been having these thoughts lately and they are not obsessive thoughts.  Therefore, they don't bother me.  Obsessive thoughts on the other hand, are a sign of reality.  It represents the self-conscious adult with low self esteem yet is always hopeful.  It is amazing the insight that I get from just being OCD and bipolar.  I only wish that my fantasies would trump my realities sometimes.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My family

Family is very important to me.  I would like for all families to take the time to heal and be real with one another.  It is sad that sometimes, family members can be your best friend or your worst enemy.  I just wanted to know if my family and I could get together. 

What do I do?  How do I go about bringing my family together?  How do I go about communicating with my family members?

These questions have me wondering.  I live in a close family but it is isolating when you have two households and no one communicates with one another.  Maybe I should make the first move.  But how should I go about doing this?

I love my family very much and I know they love me.  I am quite shy and I don't know how to go about doing that.  It is difficult to even make small talk with them.  It is so isolating.  What should I do?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Relaxation and being psychologically busy

Relaxation just means to take it easy, right?

But it is hard to do when one has a psychological disorder, it is hard to do.  But when one has a type A personality such as myself, it is even harder to do.  I wish that I could just relax and take it easy like most people.  It is hard to keep my mind still since it goes through a lot in the course of a day.  I have to deal with mood swings that are in stages.  Thankfully I am no longer manic but being depressed is such a horrible thing.  I am bipolar who has obsessive compulsive disorder.  I personally have come to the realization that I have to accept the fact that I have issues with OCD like I have with bipolar disorder.  I have managed being bipolar yet being OCD seems to have its perks but it is cruel and deceptive.  When I look up things online, it is a rush, like an addiction.  But there is the guilt and the beating myself up that is also bothersome.  I am not manic or depressive which is good but the OCD just won't leave.  I have to deal with it until.....I have to deal with what seems forever.  There is no cure as far as I know, but Jesus is the Answer.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Sunday, April 14, 2013

My weight struggle

I feel like I lost some weight already.  I will be okay.  I am okay.  Right now, I am on an 1800 calorie diet which is realistic and it is not impossible to be consistent on it.  Less than 1800 is too much of a struggle and more than 1800 calories is way too much for me to consume.  I feel like I lost weight too slow.  I keep being told that I am on the right track.  That is the good news.  I will weigh myself tomorrow to see exactly how much I weigh and exactly how much I have to lose.  I diet and exercise but I wonder if 151 lbs is too much for me to lose as I want to weigh 160 lbs.  It will be a good thing if I weigh that much or that little, but I don't feel like a success story as of yet.  I have lost 25 lbs so far but I have a long way to go.  I have 126 lbs to lose.  I feel like I can't reach that goal because it is such a lofty goal.  There are a lot of guilt feelings that I need to deal with.  I have to deal with things on my own, yet I need someone to help me.  I need to hold myself accountable.  I just felt like giving up.  I feel like giving up.  I never had to lose THIS much weight before and now I realize how big the struggle is.

Saturday, April 13, 2013


The Bible says that we shall not commit adultery.  To me adultery is about deception and a lack of loyalty.  We have all committed adultery though a lot of people don't realize it.  It can be repented of.  That is the good news.

The bad news is that it is unethical but a lot of people do unethical things that they don't take responsibility for.  Can a good person commit adultery?  I guess they can.  Does it mean that all adulterers are automatically bad people?  I don't know.  I truly don't know any adulterers.

I am writing about this because I don't know anyone who has cheated.  I do not have an issue with a cheater personally because no one has ever cheated on me.  I cannot imagine the pain a person who has been cheated on goes through.  It is a sad state of affairs when a person who claims to love you doesn't respect the one cheated on or respect the relationship to cheat.

I have been having obsessive thoughts about infidelity and I don't know why.  I have been having these thoughts for years now and while they are manageable, I wish they would go away.  I don't like having these thoughts but the fact that I look for stories about adultery are pleasurable for a season.  It is like sin.  It is or seems pleasurable for a season, but it is deceptive and produces guilt in the end.

I wonder if God forgives me whenever I look for adultery stories or whenever I have these thoughts.  I had one so bad recently that it woke me up.  The adulteress was not a good person.  She never truly loved her husband and cheated with a lot of people.  She did what she could to avoid her husband because she rather be with other guys.  She had two children but they were most likely not her husband's, but other mens'.  This woman was loathesome.  This was basically a worse case scenario and I had no clue about any one like that, though there may be.  I don't have a desire to know this person who is like this at all.  Why would a woman or man be so stupid to cheat on a loving, faithful spouse?  Those are what my thoughts are about.

That is something that I wish to get off of my chest.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Losing weight

I feel just fine.  I finally ate less than 1800 calories per day which is realistic and not too big of a struggle.  I tried consuming more but I just ending up eating more.  I tried with fewer calories, but I end up struggling to stay beyond that limit.  In all journeys there are struggle and losing weight is certainly a struggle.  Journey=weight loss=life.  Wow.  That is just deep.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Losing weight

I am feeling so much better now.  Losing weight is a struggle however.  It has gotten easier however.  All I had to do was learn to be consistent and learn to be proactive.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Call me maybe

Laughter is the best medicine and so is music, especially when one has a mental or psychological problem as I do.  But it can be hard to deal with having more than one as I have both bipolar disorder and OCD.  Right now, I am listening to a rather interesting song.  It is a little known song called, "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen.  It is a rather catchy song that I believe people of any age can listen to.  It is harmless enough. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Something on my chest

I finally realize some things today.  I have learned a lot today.  I don't know about everything there is to know, but I am getting wiser by the minute.  I have learned that my thoughts were about the male vs female dynamic.  I think that the enmity between males and females is so sad.  It seems that many males and females don't love or respect each other.  I know it has been like that since forever, but it seems to have gotten worse with revenge sites and revenge against men and cheating and conning websites it seems as if chivalry has all but died.  I don't mind a little boy v girl contest, but it is all fun and games.  What I am writing about is not fun and games.  Women need to be classy and grateful when a man opens a door for them.  Men need to learn to move on if a woman doesn't want them.  Life to me is simple so I hate it when some people say that it is complicated.  Life may be a shade of gray in some areas, but to me, life is black and white.  There is right and there is wrong.  There is even right and wrong in shades of gray.  You can't have relativism without a concept of right and wrong.  I feel like that being OCD, I have the world on my shoulders and troubles on my mind.  They really have nothing to do with me or my loved ones.  Infidelity, revenge on the internet, women who maim their cheating husbands, etc.  Whatever happened to morals, class, character, and vengeance being of the Lord?

Sunday, April 7, 2013


I am okay today.  I feel though that I am tempted to ruminate about feuds and such.  It is a shame that there are hatreds and feuds and strifes in the first place.  But that is reality and I have to learn to deal with reality.  Sometimes I hate reality but I hate the thoughts even more.  It can be a struggle especially with avoidance.  All avoidance does is make the world smaller.  It makes the world safer, at least my world.  How to avoid avoiding things is a very difficult task.  I have learned to avoid things very well.  Avoidance is a part of the disorder because I don't like the idea of anything triggering a thought.  I realize that the thoughts won't kill me but the fear is so great that avoiding avoidance and overcoming avoidance is probably the most difficult part of this disorder.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

A small glimpse of what my life is like

I hope to never feel out of control again.  I feel in control now, yet my eating habits don't always match how I am feeling.  I guess that is what it is like having psychological issues.  It isn't easy and can be quite hard.  The worst feeling in the world to me is feeling depressed, numb, and/or out of control.  Being bipolar and having obsessive thoughts are quite rough at times.  I wish that I have the cure for these issues.  I really do.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Manic state

As a person who is bipolar, I may actually be in a manic state.  I have disturbing sleep and I am out of control.  Okay, I feel out of control.  I feel like I need someone, or something to reel me in.  I am not feeling that well, yet physically I am fine.  I sometimes wake up with having an obsessive thought like I did last night.  I fear that my ocd will worsen if something doesn't happen soon.  I remember 2007 and how bad it was.  It was so bad that I wanted to turn myself in to a mental hospital.  It was time consuming and my health coincidentally grew worse.  I still am suffering from the effects of my health being in decline to this day.  I hate having these thoughts.  I just wish I had a day where those thoughts were nonexistent.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

More, More, More by Joanna Rosario

" More, More, More" by Joanna Rosario is my favorite song at the moment.  I want and need more of God each and every day.  Joanna expresses it in song so beautifully.  In English I can understand it verbatim, but the message speaks to me more in Spanish.  This song is what every believer should want and needs more of: God.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

He's an On-Time God

God is most certainly an on time God.  I need a greater faith that He will make a way out of seemingly no way.  I believe that the Lord hears prayers of those who love Him and are faithful.  He knows our hearts and our thoughts.  And that is really a good thing.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Financial help

Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray for peace, peace of mind.  I could use your help right now.  It doesn't seem so easy but I feel discouraged through my own fault.  I brought this problem on myself.  I need enough money to put into my bank account.  I am flat broke and what change I do have won't help me to cover it.  I feel so alone right now because there is no one else to talk about it and whoever else there is I am afraid to say it out loud.  It is a small amount to you, but it is a big amount to me.  I need all the financial help I can get right now.  I have no job but I do have a small income.  I have no other money to pay any other bills that I might have to pay.  I need immediate financial help right now.  I know and believe that you are an on time God and I put my total trust and faith in you.  I thank you furthermore that you have answered my prayers, in Jesus' name, Amen.

Monday, April 1, 2013


Today I am feeling fine.  I feel great.  I guess because I was busy or at least too busy resting today.  The thoughts did not bother me today.  I also guess it is because I am watching professional wrestling for now.  I love pro wrestling.  I cannot imagine my life without it.  Right now, Zack Ryder is wrestling the Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett.  Poor Zack Ryder.

I am also watching on Youtube a match between Dusty Rhodes and Tully Blanchard.  It was a $50,000 match.  I love old school American wrestling.  This is fun for me.  I need to have at least some fun and happiness in my life.  I have often complained about being overwhelmed.  For the first time in a while, I have not been overwhelmed.  I am not overwhelmed.

Life is just too short to be overwhelmed.