Sunday, May 31, 2015

An issue of weight and health

It is time I think outside the box...again.  That is one way, if not, the only way I could lose weight.  I am over 100 pounds overweight and I am diabetic.  It is past time that I do such before I get even sicker, despite what the doctor says.  I wish I were the 100% picture of health.  I look like that before pictures in the infomercials.  I am inspired by those infomercials, yet I don't like all of the messages they present.  I am fat.  I get it.  I don't always see a fat person as a before picture and not all after pictures are going to look the same.  I am not writing against the benefits of health and the risks of being overweight, but the message it sends is that unless one looks a certain way, he or she should lose weight to be attractive, happy, and have a high self-esteem.  It is as if automatically a fat person is not and cannot be attractive, happy, or have high self-esteem.  I have self-esteem issues, that is true.  However, I always had self-esteem issues, even when I was smaller.  However, I understand the before and after commercials.

 There is obesity and with obesity and being underweight come health risks.  Risk implies that it could happen. It doesn't imply that it will happen. There is a slight difference.  Food doesn't love me back for instance.  I overate which is part of the reason why I gained so much weight.  My overeating was risky but there was a chance that it caused the diabetes.  True, but there is problem.  There are so many reasons why a person gets fat which doesn't include laziness.  Am I a fat acceptance activist?  Truthfully I don't consider myself an activist at all.  I believe that those who are obese have a greater health risk, yet there are people who do take this war in the wrong direction and that is what worries me.  The war on obesity is about health and fitness which contribute to overall well-being.

A fat person can work, and do other things.  I hate it when there are people out there who say they are too fat to do something and are so selfish.  They have no excuse.  There are people who are obese that they actually have a long list of health issues and they do wish to lose weight.  There are fat people who work and are good role models and are people of good moral character and they are not lazy or selfish.  Fat people are like everyone else and other people who make fun of and laugh at fat people should be ashamed.  I don't understand why someone would find it funny to make fun of someone who weighs 700 lbs.  It is sad and it is stupid.  Well, I hopefully didn't contradict myself, but I guess that is just how I feel.  My point of this is  I know that being an overweight diabetic is not healthy but it doesn't give others the right to hurt one's feelings because of their weight.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Lesson for today is balance and finding balance

Yesterday, I have learned about not giving up.  Today I am learning about balance and finding balance.  It isn't often that as a Christian balance is a word that I don't use often.  I guess it is because the word balance conjures up "being centered" which could be more of a non-Christian thing to say.  But what is wrong with a believer finding balance?  I realize that a balanced life involves being humble, kind, grace, health, and moderation.  Moderation is a key to being and living as a believer in Christ.  Being a Christian is hard and requires a lot of patience, encouragement, and obedience.  I believe that being a believer is about "being centered".  To a believer such as myself, I believe it means to focus on the One and Only Supreme God, His Son, the Lord and Savior, and the Holy Spirit, our Guide and Teacher, who are the Holy Trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  I believe that there is a trinity that not only helps us to focus, but to guide, teach, and to lead us so that we can be repentant, holy, humble, and encouraged believers.  I feel better even typing this.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

"Don't Give Up" by International All Stars

Unfortunately, I cannot find the lyrics to this song.  I have loved this song since I have first heard it.  It took a while to find this song, but I finally found it.  I even listened to this song at one time.  I am happy that I finally found this very song.  I will not give up on myself.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

"Pressure" by Jonathan Mc Reynolds

I, I can't even turn on my phone
Without being reminded of the lie
That I am alone and broken, unsuccessful
I, I can't always talk to my friends
'Cause they've got expectations
That I may or may not be living up to
I really need to rid myself

Of the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone else that the world has made
Jesus take from me
All the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone that you did not create

Help me be me
And only see you
Let me decrease
And glorify you

I, I thought my intentions were good
Just act like a Christian should
And hope someone watching would approve
And be inspired
But you're not feeling my show
Then how far could I go
Before all of my accomplishment
Go down in fire

Just cause of
Of the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone else that the church has made
Jesus take from me
All the pressure, pressure, pressure
To be someone that you did not create

I just wanna live
I just wanna live for you
Nobody else, but you

Saturday, May 23, 2015

"Born to Make You Happy" by Britney Spears

"Born To Make You Happy"

Oh, my love [laugh]
Oh, yeah yeah
Oh, yeah

[Verse 1:]
I'm sitting here alone up in my room
I'm thinking about the times that we've been through
Oh, my love
I'm looking at a picture in my hand
Trying my best to understand
I really want to know what we did wrong
With a love that felt so strong
If only you were here tonight
I know that we could make it right

I don't know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy
'Cause you're the only one up in my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever, you and me
That's the way our life should be
I don't know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy

[Verse 2:]
I know I've been a fool since you've been gone
I'd better give it up and carry on
Oh, my love
'Cause living in a dream of you and me
Is not the way my life should be
I don't want to cry a tear for you
So forgive me if I do (ooh)
If only you were here tonight
I know that we could make it right

I don't know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy
'Cause you're the only one up in my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever, you and me
That's the way our life should be
I don't know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy

(Oh yeah)
(Oh yeah)
I'd do anything
I'd give you my world
I'd wait forever to be your girl
(Just call out my name)
Just call out my name (and I will be there) and I will be there (ooh)
Just to show you how much I care (alright) (ooh)
I was born to make you happy, yeah (ooh) (oh yeah)

I don't know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy
'Cause you're the only one up in my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever, you and me
That's the way our life should be
I don't know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy
(Oh, oh)
I was born to make you happy
(Oh yeah, oh yeah)
Always and forever, you and me
That's the way our life should be
I don't know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy

Friday, May 22, 2015

I have got to change and move on.

It is now time to stop thinking about what I keep admitting.  Admitting is only a first step.  Now it is time to do something about it.  That is a struggle that I have been having.for a long time now.  I would like to start and start now.  I have to have goals set in mind.  I want to stop being so imaginative and live in the real world.  The real world is what keeps me grounded.  I am getting too old and too caught up in my fantasies.  I have been held back partially because of them.  I have had obsessions and crushes for a long time.  Now it has gone too far.  One of them is about someone who has died.  To look at his grave is quite sobering and quite sad.  He seems alive but I know he is not.  That is what bothers me.  He is gone.  I wonder about his soul.  Is he in peace or will he suffer?  What kind of person was he?  I never met him and that is partially what is making this so strange and rather sad.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

How I am doing thus far.

Right now, I have been dealing with health issues and they have never been as serious as they have been now.  I believe that I will be okay by tomorrow.  I am holding out that hope.  I remember a lot of things, but one thing is for sure in the present, anything is possible.  I just have to better take care of myself.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Still going outside the box

I have been doing outlines lately which could be of help as to how I live my life.  I want need because I need help.  Things have been rough for me because of what has held me back.  I wonder what has held me back. No one has held me back more so than me.  I don't know what to do or how to change things.  It has been difficult to change.  Maybe I need to relax.  Maybe that is the problem.  There are too many maybe's and not enough certainties.  I realize that I also need to spend time wisely.  Where do I begin?  Do I begin to read the Bible more?  Do I need to relax more?  Do I need to study more?  What are things that I need and like to do?  Those are things that I have rarely considered.  I would think with who and what I am, I would think that going outside the box would be easy but it hasn't been.  I need to be and I am accountable for my actions and rather, my lack of actions.  I could say now is the time to begin, but I have no clue.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Socialization---going outside the box

Who am I?  That is a question that I have wondered for decades now.  I was the kid who never truly knew what she wanted when she was growing up.  I was also the kid who wasn't sure what her favorite color was. I realize that I meshed well with older people than those of my age.  I could relate to them better.  I did have friends my age, but I felt that I could talk to adults about what we would talk about.  I realize that I had no idea why.  I was the smart, yet overweight, weird kid at school.  I was hardly physically bullied but verbal bullying and being laughed at doesn't make things easier.  I didn't realize that I would remember this to this day.  I have gotten over that.  However, I haven't gotten over the fact that my socialization skills are lacking and have been for quite some time.  This week I was supposed to think outside the box.  So I guess I have to outline this one too.  Let me see.  Maybe I should take the parts of my life and use that as a guide, but how?

Think outside the box
           Reflection from the past
                Could relate better with adults than with children my age
                      Where could I find people my age to learn to relate to?
                             I have had those issues since I was in my 20's.
                                   I haven't had many friends outside of the internet to converse or interact with.
                                          What should I do?  How do I begin to go outside the box?
           Going outside the box
                  Where can I start?
                          Who do I start with?
                                 What do people my age do?
                                         Ironically, I can only relate to people younger than 30.
                                              Do I want to have kids, even at my age?
                                                    That would mean I have to get married, but where would I meet my future husband.
                  Places where I can begin socializing
                             Local churches
                                  Modes of contact
                                                           Forums and Message Boards
                        News Feeds and Websites
                                 Medical staff
                                       Doctors and Nurses
                                       Cafeteria Workers
                                       Maintenance Workers
                                  Physical Therapists
                                  Local Gym
                        Place of work
                              Grocery and other odd jobs
                        Meeting with others
                                         Dating sites
                                    Wanted ads
                                    Classified ads
                        Support system even if limited...
                                 Group therapy
                                 Weight loss coach or meetings
                                  Counselors or therapists
                                  Physical therapist
                                  Facebook friends
                                  Odd jobs
                                  Helping the elderly
                                  Yard Work
                                  Small Talk
                          Live and other events and venues
                                   Sporting events

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Too much pressure in my life....simplicity

I cannot believe that I have allowed my life to become something that has become filled with stress and pressure.  I know that all of us go through the ups and downs of life.  However, it seems like I have dealt a with a life that is nothing but the results of stress and pressure.  I just cannot take it.  I learned that the only person I can be is myself.  The rest doesn't matter anymore.  I believe that the obsessive thoughts have produced a pressure that can be debilitating.  I have realized that with the fact that I have compulsions and obsessions that won't go away.  Maybe it means that I need to go outside the box in that regard.  What is so simple about life?  Maybe that is the issue.  I have become isolated from the world.  That is the problem.  I need to learn to do things for myself and God of course.  Right now I am listening to a song that I am really beginning to understand.  Very few songs have touched my heart like this one.  I feel alone sometimes.  Do I have a support system that can give me strength?  I realize that I need that support system.  Maybe I have that support system right under my nose.  Maybe there is some simplicity and something stress-free in the world after all.

Friday, May 15, 2015

How should a 40 year old live?

Is 40 too old for watching kids' shows?  What should I do?  How should I live my life?  I believe now that age is just a number, in most cases.  I have learned to embrace being 40 at the age of 40.  So far that has been all I have done.  I didn't worry as much about my age as I once did, and that is a good thing.  I don't understand how then I obsessed so much about an uncertain future.  The past was full of troubles in itself.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

A change of present and hopefully future plans

I need to be more creative.  I have been stuck in the same routines for many years.  I want to do something new and different.  I have tried that, but I have often failed.  I tried and wanted to, own a business.  I was hoping to make plans for a new cable network, but where would the funding be?  Then there are the investors, the advertisers, and the programming.  The problem with that one is that I had none of those. Those things did not work.  I have not worried about those things since, yet I am still the same person who has fallen behind.  I have come a long way, yet I have not been thankful.  I have not been thankful enough. All of my feelings have been based on what I and what the rest of the world would consider a lack of accomplishments.  I feel as if in the last decade, I have had nothing to show for it.  I am not a person who has succeeded in business, nor have I just moved on with my life.  I had hopes and dreams but they have never materialized or I have never pursued them.  Maybe it is time to start.  Does life really begin at 40?

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Making some changes

So I am watching my 600-lb life.  Unlike some people, I feel for those who are obese.  The truth is, if I don't make any changes, then this could be my future.  I didn't mean that to be rude.  There are worse things that being fat or obese.  There are amoral people in this world who are not fat or obese.  I don't understand how people can make fun and laugh at someone who is fat or obese.  The truth is, whenever I see a picture of a young woman I find attractive, I realize that that is my goal.  Those pictures and this show in particular have opened my eyes.  It is true that my own desire to lose weight is almost gone.  I don't want to weigh anymore than I already have.  I weigh nearly 300 pounds.  I want to know why I really want to lose weight.  I know that I need to lose weight. I need to know what is it that can truly change about me.  In this case, maybe I need to think outside the box, whatever that means.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Embrace who and what I am

Do I like myself?  Did I like myself even in my younger years?  Is 40 really the new 30?  Okay maybe.  But why?  Why can't I just be 40 and leave it at that?  Why can't 40 be the new 40?  I am beginning to embrace parts of myself, including the fact that I am who I am.  I am 100 pounds overweight and that is a part of who I am.  I have to learn to love, honor, and respect myself.  Those are the things that I had to struggle with all of my life.  Either I was more comfortable when I was small or too fat or too lazy or not smart enough because I lacked the common sense that God gave me.  That last one hurts the most.  Why would anyone worth a grain of salt tell someone they care about say that?  I have taken rude remarks most of my life.  I have made, and still make comparisons to other people.  

My butt is too small and my stomach is too huge. In fact, my belly is hanging down.  I am not comfortable with my body yet I hate the idea of losing weight.  I am a diabetic yet I have no desire to lose.  I am 100 pounds overweight yet I have learned to like myself more and more and more.  I had to embrace that I am flawed.  I would be flawed small or large.  I am obese and I eat till I eat no more.  I realize that that is not a good thing but have I given up?  Have I quit on myself?  Am I in denial?  No, I am not in denial.  I am just being honest.  The world has their ideas and views.  But what are my views and my ideas?  Where do I begin?  What is causing this lack of desire?  Why do I not want to lose weight?  How come I am doing a good job of proving others right?  Am I too old to have the dream body or am I too young not to know better?  I need to make a change, it is obvious.  But what do I have love for?  Who or what is my one true love?  

I don't want to take it anymore but I do take it.  I may have lived with reckless abandon.  I may be hurting myself and wasting my money on diet programs.  I am just tired of the struggle.  I am tired of living like the world and doing the world's bidding.  I just want to think outside the box.  I am relieved.  This is the first time I have been honest.  This is the first time I feel like being silly and feeling that way.  This is also the first time where I have embraced who and what I am.  Now that is what I call thinking outside the box.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Being honest with God and ourselves

It has been a very interesting two days since I have made a reflection on this blog.  I feel like there was a lazy period.  Maybe I am just too hard on myself when I consider myself  lazy.  I feel like just quitting, but I don't feel that way now.  A little help from God goes a mighty long way.  I feel better and my mind is clearer.  I have been feeling bad about myself for a while now.  The best prayers are the prayers of honesty and clarity. That is how I pray nowadays.  I have learned to tell Him how I really feel.  God already knows.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Classic Hollywood

Right now, I am watching HSN where there is a tribute to the late actress Rita Hayworth.  I wondered yesterday why so many of the actors in Hollywood are so beautiful and are so handsome.  Rita Hayworth was no exception.  There were so many for not only were they talented, but they had a glamour and a level of, I don't know.  Maybe the word I could use is elegance, grace, class, j'naise se qua.  My spelling may be off but that is how I feel about old from Lena Horne, to Elizabeth Taylor, to Marilyn Monroe.  They were all so beautiful and their legacies are so lasting and will remain that way until the end of time. It is amazing that their work will always remain.  I wish I had watched all of their films.  I am just writing about something that I realize has nothing to do with my everyday life and that makes me a happy person today.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

My health and taking control of it.

I spent the last half hour trying to figure out how many points I need to lose 1.5 pounds per week.  I know that I need to lose weight.  My goal is to lose 1.5 per week or rather, 60 points per week.  This would equal less than 9 points per day.  However, how do I plan to lose that much weight with so few points per day? Maybe I miscalculated the number of points per day.  Whatever the case may be I know that I need to lose weight and my goal is to keep it off.  I also plan to exercise and strength train which would be of great benefit to me.  I tend to be overwhelmed easily which makes things harder.  It doesn't help that what I have also have an effect on my hormones.  I will actually take control of those areas.  I have been told that I needed to take charge.  This is the first time I have finally learned how to take charge over my health.  I don't wish to weigh anymore than I do now.  It isn't the worst thing in the world but it is not the worst thing.  Learning to embrace myself with my weight and my age will help me go a long way.  I have come to realize that it is not to late for me to start making changes to my health.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Diet and exercise

I have been too lazy to muse and reflect as the blog suggests.  I am just filling up blog entries.  It has been one of those weeks. I hope no one who reads this takes it personal. I used to be a person who seems to be more of a hard worker than I am.  I used to exercise, though my eating habits sucked.  I am actually trying to eat right, but I am sedentary.  How do I reconcile a healthy diet and exercise?  I cannot say I ever did that. Now that has been a goal of mine.  I want to lose weight.  I want to lose more than 100 pounds in fact.  That is why I wish to reconcile exercise and a healthy diet.

Monday, May 4, 2015

I miss music like this, but I don't miss listening to

 "Baby Baby Baby" by TLC

 "The Boy is Mine" by Brandy and Monica

 "If You Had My Love" by Jennifer Lopez

 "Real Love" by Mary J. Blige

Okay, so they are from the 90s.  I grew up in the 70s-90s.  I guess the songs above make me feel young.  However, why don't the songs make me feel as old as the songs of today?  Sure I have embraced my age, but that is something that bears wondering why.

Friday, May 1, 2015

PCOS realization post

I realize that there are times when I have nothing to write about unless it is on another blog.  I realize and know that I need to lose weight.  I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and that does make losing weight harder.  This means that I have to work extra hard in the diet and exercise departments.  I have been having weight problems for most of my life.  I want to lose 100+ pounds, but I realize that it is a rather large undertaking considering my condition.  I was diagnosed as having this syndrome nearly seven years ago.  I gained a lot of weight in a short span.  My weight gain was not gradual.  It was climbing and climbing and climbing in a rather short period of time.  The truth is that I have gained a lot of weight partially because I gave up on myself as well.  I realize that I haven't made that much progress over the years.  I have to realize that there are complications and health risks to having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, like insulin resistance, diabetes complications, heart attacks, and strokes.  Those are the things that I should have reminded myself of, but I have a thing for good food and being easily overwhelmed.  Those are issues that I admit that I have to work on.  This post is my light-bulb moment for today.