Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Bullying is a sin, period.  I know that kids can be cruel and that is true.  It is a testament to the fact that no matter how young or "innocent" we are, we are flawed, falliable human beings.  Bullies are sinners to be stood up to and prayed for.  I know that Jesus talks about turning the other cheek and being slow to anger. Not once did He imply or say that we should be bullies or continue to be bullied.  I can for sure say that because I as a person have a breaking point just like everyone else.  I was bullied when I was younger.  It was a rough time for sure.  I was short, slightly overweight, made good grades, and rarely got into trouble.  In short, people thought of me as nerdy and weird.  I was a person who in the future would be predicted to be the next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs because of my grades.  No word on whether or not either of those two were bullied though.  Being bullied made me a wise and strong person, though it doesn't seem to be that way at the time.

Being a victim of a bully is to a kid a living, waking nightmare.  Most kids want to fit in and be liked and respected.  I find out that being liked as a kid and being respected as an adult are quite important.  The human race is a communal race and in order to truly get to know a person, one has to meet them, talk to them, and learn how to develop relationships with others.  We will all find that some people are nicer than others and some are just plain bullies.  I am a person who should know what makes a bully tick, but I only have theories.  Why are some kids bullies?  Are they being bullied?  Do they bully others because they think or know they can get away with it?  How about their home lives?  The best way to deal with bullies I have learned is more than one-dimensional.  Some people only know of violence and using mean words.  Some people fight back with words and with fists.  Those who are bullied are often filled with fear and end up with low self-esteem.  Bullying is a serious issue and unfortunately there are people who will not change their bullying ways until karma knocks them down.  I am just writing about bullying because I was bullied as a kid and it hurts but at the same time, I know there are others who have been bullied as well.  I also wonder if every kid's situation is different.  That is what I mean about the solutions being more than one-dimensional.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Between the Sheets by The Isley Brothers

The Isley Brothers are some of the reasons why I love romantic music.  I miss music like this, but I don't miss listening to them.  Thank you, YouTube.  I remember listening to music on a Sunday night and it was nothing but love and romance.  It is amazing the places where music can take a person.  Interestingly enough, I am listening to the Isley Brothers right now.  "Between the Sheets" is my favorite song from them and one of my favorite all-time songs.  It is the type of song that just makes a person want to fall in love.  

Monday, April 28, 2014

My style

I love using pinterest.  I hope pinterest become a site that I use regularly.  I like the idea of pinning images and videos into a board that is all about me.  It is a site that I would recommend.  All of this pinning reminds me of whenever I was in my 20s and I was more style conscious.  I am very happy to have the style that I have now, though.  I don't recall being so self-conscious back then and it seems that I had more fun back then as well.  I have to realize that I am in my 30s and I am still young and I don't have to be so set in my ways and also to quit while I'm ahead all the time.  I loved my short skirts and my long plaid shirts.  I am in love with clothes.  Always have and always will.

These are examples of clothing styles that I have loved over the years:
 I love the plaid skirt.  It is so fun yet so classic.

I guess vintage would also suit my personality since this is a vintage plaid skirt.  I am not as aware of most of the latest styles as much as I once was, but with my own personal style, I am okay with that.

I wore an A-line skirt to college that was quite short, yet I could still wear something to cover myself with it.  I need to go back and realize that there is a stylista inside of me.

 Interestingly enough, I have one of those in my closet.  I just have a lot of denim in my closet from jeans to shorts to even jackets. I guess that nothing beats classic and denim is the quintessential fashion classic.

 I had a floppy hat, but from what I saw on tv, floppy hats did either one of two things: went back in style in a major way or never left.  I have a feeling that it is the latter rather than the former.  I feel like going on a vacation, or to an event or church.  Yep, floppy hats can be worn anywhere.

And finally,


 Nothing says personal style without the word, accessories.  I am not a model or a celebrity, but that doesn't mean I cannot accessorize or be myself.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

My 600-lb. life

I am watching a show about very obese people who are trying to regain control of their lives.  The truth is, most of them are addicts who have enablers it seems.  I pray that they do regain control of their lives by eating, being, and living healthy.  I pray this for myself too.  I am self-conscious of my weight and I have been open about it, yet I seem to know little or rather, nothing I knew to do.  The advice is simple, but that doesn't mean application of that advice is so simple.  It is true that things just don't come easy for me and that is what makes the easy so hard.  I don't want to think that something could have been done about it along the line instead of living for the now.  I don't wish to be obese in the future.  I think what would happen if I am no longer able to do things other people take for granted because of my weight.

I am watching people weighing more than myself and their stories are quite sad.  They are trapped in their own bodies.  I cannot imagine being trapped in my own body.  I realize that there are those who are like myself who have health problems due to obesity, but I am also stressed out.  I am just tired.  I want to lose about 100 lbs.  That would be a good goal for me.  I cannot imagine losing more than 35% of my weight.  I am a woman with a large frame who has never thin even as a child.  I will no longer make any excuses.  All I have are reasons for change.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Why is my hair natural?

I don't think it was a heritage thing for me as it was for freedom.  And then there is the issue of style.  It never goes out of style and that is why I wear my hair natural.  I mistakenly thought that my hair would grow even faster if I didn't have the relaxers or dyes.  My hair was a mess and it was time to no longer be in the transition phase.  My hair tends to grow fast, about 2/3 an inch per month and it would take a couple of weeks to grow whatever hair I pluck out or cut.  I do have a thing about cutting my hair but not for the sake of cutting my hair.  At an awkward stage, I wouldn't know what to do.  It has been over 20 years since my hair has been natural and that includes with the hot comb.  I never thought much about black pride and my hair.  I love my hair even more now than I had in years.  I no longer have any fears that go with taking my hair for granted because I no longer take my hair for granted.  I live in a house where my mother use a hot comb almost daily and I pressed my hair daily.  Now I don't have to worry about straightening, flat-ironing, blow-drying, or even chemicals or dyes.  It is just like a weight has been lifted off of me.  That is why I have natural hair.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Are You Sure by Randy Crawford

I am beginning to love Randy Crawford's music more and more everyday.  She is definitely a talented, beautiful singer.  There aren't too many celebrities that I find interesting enough to meet, but I would like to meet her.  I just hope that she is a nice person because I know nothing about her personality.  Talent is important, but character goes a long, long way.  We won't be judged by how much talent we have one day, but by what we did with that talent, our character, and our spiritual state.  I realize that that is what I have to realize on a daily basis.  I also have to realize that life is simply too short to even waste one second of our life.  I have wondered that is what I spent the last few years doing.  Hopefully, that isn't the case.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

My reflections on Randy Crawford, weddings, and future plans


I think that Randy Crawford is so underrated it is quite sad actually.  I have one of her albums and looking back, I wished I had played it more often.  Maybe I will play it tonight.

I wouldn't mind religious, classical, and jazz playing at my wedding.  I used to be in love with weddings and especially wedding gowns.  I remember imagining being a bride and reading bridal magazines.  I am not sure I could be a wedding planner, but what harm would that be?
I love weddings.  I love the idea of weddings. But most of all, I believe that one should marry for love.  Security and finding a common ground are very important, I agree.  I am no expert on marriage as I have never been married, but I have two good role models who have a grasp of what marriage is about.  I do wonder what it would be like to be married and remain married to someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
Weddings are something that used to make a single girl nervous.  I have been having thoughts about marriage, infidelity, and divorce.  I also live in a fantasy world and that may be why I have these thoughts.  I recall at one time I didn't have these thoughts and that there were things that were of greater importance, like education, family, and health.  Those things matter and still do to this day.
I wonder what it would be like to argue with the man I would one day marry.  I realized that at my age, it feels like I have missed out on so much.  I am single and while it has its perks, it is time that I marry, have kids, and have a life of my own.  I also wonder what it is like to be a mom.
I have become very spiritual when it comes to this.  Being a wife and mom seems rather hard, but according to my mom, it seems so well worth it.  Life is too short to wonder, but I do need to get out of this fantasy world and get to reality.  Reality can be cruel, but I wonder if happiness is truly what I would make it to be.

Monday, April 21, 2014

State of the church here compared to those in other nations

It is so sad that in much of the church in the West, especially in the United States that so many are either being deceived by a false gospel, or just play church.  I feel that the games need to end.  Being ready for Jesus' return and being obedient are serious business.  Playing is for children and athletes.  Church members are called to be lights in a dark world.  Many are not doing that at all.  They are too busy wanting to be happy and to be entertained by great speaking.  Many false prophets have come unawares and are deceiving many.  This is a sign of the final hours, but so are anti-Jewish and anti-Christian attitudes.  Jews have and are being targets of many an anti-Semite.  Meanwhile, many believers are being persecuted in the world.  I tend to think about that often and I think it is so sad that this is going on while we in the West seem to be all but squandering our freedoms.  I as a sheltered American, cannot imagine what Christians in the Middle East, Africa, Mexico, and Asia are going through.  It must be so difficult for them.  I, as we all should, pray for those Christians who are being oppressed.  Pray for those of other faiths that they would be forgiven of being deceived.  Pray for the Jewish people that they may believe in the Messiah and that they would be protected from all harm. I am saddened and sometimes upset by what is going on in the Church world.  I would hate to waste my own life not being obedient to God and being a light to those who are in need, including other believers.  Being deceived, disobedient, and disloyal are a sad way to live.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Good Friday

I actually what I meant to reflect upon today.  I guess since today is Good Friday, I could write a little about that.  I admit that despite what I believe, I have never taken part in a Good Friday ceremony.  I am not sure if I should be saddened or not.  The truth is, I didn't understand it until I read about it this afternoon.  I was told that people planted their gardens on this day.  I wonder if there is some symbolism in planting a garden on Good Friday or Jesus' crucifixion.  I had a thought about that today.  I believe that the most significant moment in history was due to Jesus' life.  He was born in a manger, had a ministry, was accused, was treated horribly,  was executed, and rose again.  Being born again is about believing the Jesus, the Son of God, died for us sinners and rose again.  Jesus is Lord.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

What is really faith?

I find myself with a clear mind, I guess.  I guess when a person has OCD, having a clear mind is a relief.  I know that it is for me.  I just want to know if there is something I could do about it.  I pray for peace of mind.  I seek God for guidance and strength.  Faith after all is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.  I didn't understand what it all meant at first, but I have come to realize that with God, there is hope and that God does indeed listen.  The evidence of things not seen means that with God, all things are true and to the letter.  There is no need for error or deception.  That alone gives me great comfort and hope.  Things may appear to be hoped for because they are here, which sounds silly, but with God all things are indeed possible and those things come from the God of eternity.  That is my understanding of what faith is all about.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Being good to myself

I need a sense of freedom.  Maybe my problem is a lack of self worth.  I am not saying that I lack dignity or have done anything degrading.  However, I feel like I am unworthy sometimes.  It is true that my self-esteem is lacking, so I tend to be very critical of myself, a lot.  I need to be a happier person, which is true.  But what is even truer is that I am not a grateful enough person.  Life is unfair, regardless of religious affiliation, and I am no exception.  There are times when I feel like I have made it hard on myself.  Why do I do that? Why?  The truth is, all I have are theories.  On the other hand, I wonder if it goes to the self-esteem thing.  I would like to be less critical of myself and more grateful.  Happiness is something that I like but I wonder now if it is overrated.  Is having fun the end all?  What should be my goal?  What should the end result be? Is happiness eternal?  What should my hope and my plan?  I have so many questions that I have only theories on, but unfortunately I will never find the true, deep answer to.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Nessum Dorma as sung by Luciano Pavarotti

It is a song that I enjoy listening to.  "Nessum Dorma" has a favorite version of mine.  This one is from Pavarotti (RIP).  I actually enjoy listening to different types of music, such as country, especially more old school country music from the 1980s-2000s.  Much of the music I listen to today is from that period. However nostalgic I am, I will give modern and the golden oldies a chance.  The golden oldies and other music that I like tend to relax me and calms my mind down.  Music is most definitely something that I cannot live without.  Yet, I have no one that can live without music.  Music, like other art forms, is most definitely universal.  Sometimes I wish I were a music critic so that I can interpret what is being sung or written or produced.  I sometimes "envy" those who know what they want out of life, even those who know about critiquing music.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

No Matter What They Say by Lil' Kim

I admit that I don't listen to a lot of Lil' Kim's music, but even I have to admit that she is quite good.  I admit that this song is one of my favorites.  In fact, I have this song on my mp3 player. Anyways, I have been playing this song all day.  I like some rap music.  However like every other genre, some are better than others.  While some have better flow, others are rhythmically sound, like Lil' Kim.  This is a great song not only to dance to, but exercise to.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Pound cake musing

I am wondering a lot.  I have wondered why I did not write about the recipes instead of just presenting them. I tend to bake when I am bored or when I am hungry.  I have always loved to cook and so I posted many recipes over the months and years in this blog.  I learned to cook eggs when I was a kid.  Sadly, I realized that my dad liked his eggs sort of runny while I like a little brown in my eggs.  I tend to remember many things later on after the event.  My short term memory needs a little work.  Wednesday I baked another pound cake, with vanilla, eggs, sugar, margarine, cream cheese, flour, not to mention sour cream.  The cake turned out soft and not too sweet.  It was a very good cake.  I just love to bake.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Musing about happiness

I do wonder if happiness is overrated.  I wonder that because happiness seems out of reach for me.  At least that is what it seems.  I am just wondering about that as I was watching a performance of "Happy" by Pharrell Williams.  He is a talented singer and producer who sang a great song.  The problem is, with all popular songs, they tend to run their course.  Over time, people in general get sick and tired of the same old songs.  Interestingly enough, that is how I have felt about my life.  Maybe I am depressed about something I have no idea about.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Reflections from today

I just love pound cake.  I do love providing recipes but I had to add the icing to the cake batter because it didn't come out right.  I tend to bake whenever I am bored or just want something to eat that is sweet.  I am just so tired right now because I just woke up about an hour ago of a rather long nap.  My back also hurts because of a thinning disc and I feel that it is getting worse.  I just wanted to know what will be good for the pain for the time being.  Other than that, I am doing well.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Crosses to bear

I do have issues with bipolar disorder and having OCD has been hard.  I realize that things could be worse, but I wonder if this is what God had in mind.  It sounds so weird but I believe that all of us have crosses to bear.  Some of us have bigger crosses than others and I realize that that is what I have to keep in mind whenever I have a mood swing or an upsetting thought along.  Life is too short to complain about the cross that I bear.  I am just grateful that I can overcome anything.  I should also keep in mind that the cross I bear could be impossible to overcome.  I should also keep in mind that nothing is impossible with God.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Being faithful

I know that I have posted videos up in the last few days.  I have admit gotten a bit lazy because, basically, I didn't have a whole lot to muse about.  However, I have had a lot on my mind, namely anything Christian.  I read the Bible ever so often and pray on a regular, though not consistent basis.  That needs to change.  I would like to read the Bible, even a couple of passages daily and pray more or rather, pray without ceasing. Sometimes, I feel like I am the most disobedient child of God ever.

I have had constant doubts about being saved and I wish that I didn't have those doubts.  I wonder if I am spiritual or being a false believer because of these doubts.  When if I have never been truly regenerated, saved, or born again?  Because of my doubting, when if I have never been faithful enough to believe that God rose His Son from the dead?  I usually don't write about these things because I never really thought about writing anything so personal, at least in that particular vain.  It is consistently been a bother for many years now and I still wonder from time to time if I am a true believer.

True believers have faith, no?  We are to live by faith and not by sight or feelings, no?  I am supposed to be strong yet it can be very difficult.  However, I cannot recall many people truly say that being a Christian is so so easy.  There is a sermon about Christianity being an easy ride.  The preacher meant well, but I don't agree.  It is a walk sometimes filled with gravel and unpaved roads.  It can be a rather lonely road.  It can be even more lonely if you feel like God is not there.  The sad thing is only a few will walk the same road that I will walk.  I am taking the path that few will choose.  It is quite sobering since only a few will walk that road and that there is only one way.  I did wonder if it truly meant that only a minority of the human race will enter Heaven, including myself.  I also wondered if it meant about the only way to Heaven, which is one.  Either way, Jesus did say that He is the way, the Truth, and the Life.

Either way, I do wonder if I am truly ready for Jesus' return.  I have had doubts about it.  I still do.  I guess that that is what daily repentance is all about.

Saturday, April 5, 2014


There isn't much that I can muse about today except for twerking.  Interestingly enough, I tried twerking, and I failed miserably.  Maybe I should try a dance lesson or two, since I would like to learn how to dance.
Sadly I am not a great dancer.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

There Goes My Baby by Usher

What a beautiful and complimentary song. I like to listen to romantic music.  Usher is not my all-time favorite artist but I do like some of his music.  He is a talented artist, I admit.  He is a modern baby-making artist. Just like Luther Vandross, who I grew up listening to, Usher is a talented artist who makes pretty good love and romantic music.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Having OCD

It is rough having OCD.  It is even tougher to embrace it.  I never thought that acceptance and embrace would be so tough.  I have had bouts of OCD for many years but it seems to have gotten worse in the last few years.  Ever since then, I felt like the anxiety helped to take a toll on my health.  I just feel like "hitting a brick wall" sometimes because it is so difficult.  Having a mental illness is tough altogether.  I have written about the anatomy of an OCD thought and it was eye-opening.  I can say that right now I feel great.  My obsessive thoughts have all but gone and it is now easier to move on and move forward.

I was/am so obsessed with wanting to get better that I asked God for healing.  I needed the strength to move forward and to move on because I didn't think that I could do it.  But I did it.  I have been having crushes on men for a long time and I wonder if a relationship would be the cure-all for that problem.  I spend a lot of time alone and I tend to ruminate over other people.  It has gotten to the point where I even thought that I had a worship issue, but not with the Lord.  It was on other celebrities like Sly Stallone, and Mickey Rourke, and George Clooney.  It is all vanity.  It is all temporary.  Eternity is real and forever.  Jesus will come quickly, but I wish I knew how soon.  I want my life to having meaning.  I want to be a stronger person, which is interestingly enough, how I feel.

I have likened the OCD thoughts to urban legends.  Like urban legends, they are expanded stories that are usually not proven true.  Yes, urban legends can be true but that is not the point.  The point is OCD focuses on the worst case scenario in a situation.  It is as if OCD has the power to influence my thinking which I should not allow it to.  I have had great insight into what is going on that I wish I knew how to overcome it.  Focusing on God and the eternal is what I hope to continue to focus on.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

"Happy" by Pharrell Williams

Pharrell Williams is a guy who is quite talented.  I have always known that, however.  Anyways, I am happy that such a song came out.  This is one of the better modern songs that are out there.  I am more nostalgic but this song is awesome.  I need to be happier.  It is as if I spent much of my life miserable.  There is nothing more than a person living their life as if everything is miserable, especially if one has much to be grateful for. Yep, I am talking about myself.  There is nothing like having and being grateful.  I am the girl who really does have everything.