Sunday, March 31, 2013

What it is like having OCD?

I feel like I have the whole world on my mind, though I don't want to.  It is as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders.  Does anyone ask for it?  No, they don't.  Sometimes, it just happens to end up being that way.  That is how it is with having OCD.  You want answers because you hate uncertainties.  I thought the reason why I hated uncertainties was because that is part of my personality.  Now I realize that it is part of having OCD.  There is a lot of confusion and doubt which makes things worse.  I wish I had a day in which I didn't have to deal with this condition.  I wonder how much easier that day would be.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Majestic Lord

I forgot to post something on this blog yesterday.  It was a highly unusual thing to do.  What is so majestic about the Lord?  Everything.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Thank you

God, I thank you, In the name of Jesus Christ.

I need to be more thankful.  I need to be more grateful.  I am more grateful.  I am more thankful.  Life is just too short to not be thankful or grateful.  Who knows what could happen in this life?  In this life to come, there is eternity.  Where we spend eternity depends upon what we do, think, or believe in the here and now while we are on this planet.  Let us all take the time to thank Jesus and believe on Him.  Call on His name.  Believe in your heart that the Father rose the Son from the dead.  Jesus died for us all.  That alone is enough to be grateful and thankful.  Jesus died a painful, tortorous death as a young man.  He did that for each and every one of us so that we could be free from the curse of death...and the curse of eternal death.  Eternal death is as forever as eternal life.  Choose eternal life.  Please, let us not make the mistake and choose eternal death and destruction.  Few will find the narrow road.  Be one of the few to choose and take that road.  The world does not love us.  We are in the world but not of the world for we have a Comforter and a Teacher, the Holy Spirit, who is given the utmost respect in God's Word.  Jesus is Lord.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Minuet and Badineire by Bach

This is a lovely and light song.  Though I don't usually describe a song as cute, there it is.  I love the fact that this song is so upbeat.

I like the fact that it lifts my spirits.  Today I had a good day.  I cannot recall anything bothersome that has happened to me today.

I did in fact go shopping and my financial woes are coming to an end.  I just love my life.  I will go have that cup of coffee and listen to some great classical music.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


This is the most relaxed that I have been so far.  There is nothing like drinking a cup of coffee and listening to classical music.  I wish I had thought about doing this before.  I have been having thoughts that have been bothersome and a dose of mania.  Right now I am in a good mood, but not in a deceptive, manic way.  I am no longer bothered by the actor's dislike of a costar or anything like that.  I cannot find anything to dislike about him, but that doesn't mean that he is a perfect guy or the perfect guy for me.  He has an interesting look but I like his voice.  He is an older guy which doesn't hurt, but in reality he may be a little too old for me though.  Anyways, I was thinking about how to get over a crush that looks like it could be an obsession and it is hard.  That is what I have been going through and I feel that today I could accomplish anything.

Monday, March 25, 2013


I am confessing something hilarious to you but normal to me.  I have OCD and the thoughts about my crush are not a good one.  It may take away the fantasy that I have and cause bad feelings toward him or whoever else that I have connected to his life.  We have choices to make and I have decided to confess and try to let it go.  I confess that there are two actors who don't like each other and because of it I have a pain of anxiety in my stomach.  Normally, I would not care, but it comes back to the thoughts that I have about how men and women relate to one another.  It also comes back to chivalry and character.  Stuff like that makes me wonder what has happened to chivalry.  It is strange because it is from a long time ago and not now.  I really care little about the here and now, but the back then.  I have a crush on an older man from a movie.  I will never meet the guy or anything like that.  He knows me as much as I know him, truly.  I feel so silly about it, but I figure that exposing it will do wonders and so far it has.

Sunday, March 24, 2013


I am better but I still find my crush annoying.  I felt like I was going crazy yesterday.  To God be the glory.  I have learned that no matter what the circumstances are, focus yourself on Jesus. 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I have a crush on this guy and it is getting annoying.

I have been diagnosed as being bipolar and obsessive compulsive. Both of them are on overdrive yet not at the same time. Right now, I am wide awake and I wonder if I am wrong. There is supposed to be a link between bipolar disorder and OCD. I have a crush on this guy but it may be a borderline obsession. It has gotten to the point where I am waking up and seeing this guy's face even when I am trying to sleep. It is getting annoying. I have a supportive family but I rather keep this one to myself feeling that they would not understand. I need to talk to my counselor about this and I may need to change the doses of my medications. I take prozac, lamictal, and abilify for my conditions and I am concerned that things are getting worse.

I have crushes on people ever since I was a kid. My crush in college was my most memorable. It became an obsession to the point where I felt like I made a fool of myself for him, even though he had a girlfriend, who was a good friend of mine. He didn't seem to like me but he tried to be nice to me, but it was as if I wouldn't listen. I will never get that kind of reaction from a pro wrestler, singer, or actor.

Is it possible for bipolars to have crushes that can cause sleepless nights, nervousness, or irritability? I even like to watch movies about women who obsess with unavailable men I guess because I can relate. This famous actor is successful and I think about him every waking moment. Is this normal or is this from the bipolar? Are crushes symptoms of mania? Do bipolars tend to have as great an insight into their disorder like OCD sufferers do to theirs?

Friday, March 22, 2013

Mickey Rourke

Mickey Rourke in 9 1/2 Weeks was just gorgeous.  I love Mickey now.  He is still sexy and so talented.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Vampiro Canadiense

I love professional wrestling and I am "in love" with this wrestler.  His name is Ian Hodgkinson or Vampiro Canadiense.  He is from Canada obviously and he is a rather unique personality.  He is a legend in Mexico.  This is from a magazine cover taken over 2 decades ago.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

How am I feeling?

I am feeling so much better today.  I was in pain much of the week, but I am okay.  I have learned that being overwhelmed and ready to give up are a dieter's two worst enemies.  There are others, I am sure, but that is only based on my experience.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Maybe I am not at a plateau that is impossible to get out of.  Maybe I am worried a bit too much about the wrong things concerning my weight.  Maybe I am bent out of shape about nothing.  There are so many things that I have allowed to overwhelm me that I failed to see the big picture.  I don't understand why things are always are the way they are when it comes to my weight, but I have to take full responsibility for that.  I ate too much of this and not enough of that.  Simple, right?  It is easier said than done.  I put too much pressure on myself and began to overeat and procrastinate.  This, I ended up feeling overwhelmed.  I wrote a series of things that I can do to lose weight and one of those things is to stand on my own two feet.  I have to learn to be an adult in this and stop complaining.  In a world full of shoulds, coulds, woulds, and can'ts, I realize that I need to learn how to relax.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Hitting a brick wall

I feel like hitting a wall.  I gained a lot of weight over the past week. Something's gotta change.  I hope it is all hormonal.  A lot has happened and I have been under a lot of stress lately.  I even wrote about some disturbing thoughts I have had.  It was a very rough weekend, but hopefully things will improve this upcoming week.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

To God be the glory

I was so lonely yesterday.  At least that is how I felt.  I was very tired and read some tweets.  By the way, if you are going to be a jerk, don't publish it on twitter.  It just doesn't look good.  Anyways, I feel okay.  It is early in the morning and I feel okay.  Yesterday was mostly a rough day, but God be the glory.  I feel so good right now, despite the headache.  I was lonely, depressed, overwhelmed, tired, and bored.  But like I said, to God be the glory.

Saturday, March 16, 2013


Right now, I have a huge headache, but it isn't over my weight.  Right now, I am comfortable in my own skin.  I feel okay right now, despite the fact that I have been overeating lately.  I admitted that I am a confessed glutton, which isn't healthy for diabetics especially.  I have overcome it before.  I can do it now.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Go away!

Despite the peaceful music I am listening to, I still have the bullying thoughts in my head.  Don't worry they are only obsessive thoughts.  Sometimes I think they are trying to tell me something.  Maybe I am giving them too much validity.  I am giving them way too much time.  I don't know.  I do have such great insight into them.  I would like for them to go away.  I have started not to like me because of a lot of things, but maybe it is only the thoughts.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

This morning

I am tired this morning.  In fact, I woke up with a thought about being bullied.  I was bullied when I was younger and it is hard.  The thoughts say one thing but I remember things differently.  I feel horrible about myself right now.  I do wonder if Satan is winning the battle.  It is a hard battle.  The thoughts come upon me suddenly and it is a battle that I would like to win.  I felt like giving up.  Right now, I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel.  Is Satan the one bullying me or am I making too much out of this?  Am I giving Satan too much credit?

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

OCD is rough at times.

I am doing okay.  I have been having some crazy thoughts lately.  I have had thoughts about moral and religious issues mostly.  Having OCD sucks.  It is not easy to have.  Sometimes the thoughts take a life on his own.  I have no idea about how much it has truly taken hold of my life.  The thoughts have almost become an idol since I have an avoidant disorder.  It doesn't make life easier.  It makes things worse.  It is here that I can share my thoughts about avoiding tv shows, movies, and not reading books that have objectionable content.  It hadlittle to do with the fact that I am a Christian.  It is so hard at times but I hate the fact that I have this problem.  Nowadays it is more manageable but there are moments that are rough.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Once a week

It is no wonder I have to weigh myself once a week.  Yesterday I was nearly 7 lbs lighter.  Now I am 7lbs heavier.  So much must have happened in the course of a week.  According to the scale at home I am still at a plateau.  I am watching the Insanity workout, but am I physically able to do it?  I have tried the workout and yes, I am physically able to do it.  It isn't an easy workout but it is worth the money.  Right now I am doing not as much exercise as I should so I need to quit overwhelming myself with the exercise routine I am doing, or not doing.  I just quit too easily.  I almost did with my weight loss plan.  I can't afford to quit however.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Update since yesterday

I have been eating way too much lately.  I need to be more consistent with what I eat and how I eat.  There is just too much beating myself up.  I know that I need to stop that.  I have been struggling to eat less than 1700 calories a day.  I have been struggling period.  I am not sure if I could do it.  I don’t feel like giving up but I don’t want to feel like I should stop dieting.  Maybe that is the problem.  I am dieting.  Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. 

My clothes are looser.  I feel better about myself.  I look like a million bucks, so far.  I am happier with all of the positive changes that I have made.  I find doing things so much easier like showering and bending down.  Climbing a flight of stairs is not a hassle nor is it a struggle.  I am much more fit and faster than I was before.  I can walk and breathe easier.  I am not in as much pain as I once was. 

Sunday, March 10, 2013


I was quite overwhelmed at a lot of things.  One of the greatest things that has happened is learning from my mistakes.  I feel so much better about things.  I have to learn to do one thing at a time.  One thing at a time.  It was just too much.  I have been struggling with my weight and eating in moderation.  Thankfully, I am no longer at a plateau but now I have struggled.  I feel like I am being met with resistance.  It is a battle that I plan on winning.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Woke me up this morning

I am just here to muse even more about my weight.  I have put so much pressure on myself that I woke up and prayed about my frustrations.  I feel so much better.  I feel like I needed to start over.  It was just too much.  I lost weight, sure, but I felt like I had a lot more to go.  I do, but I have a long way to go.  I needed peace of mind and I feel that is what I have now.  I had no idea what I was doing.  Calorie count after calorie count and it is just too much to bear.  Weight loss is most certainly a life journey.  If I am overwhelmed by my weight, I wonder what else I am overwhelmed by.

Friday, March 8, 2013


I am doing just fine so far.  I wonder about a lot of things.  Maybe that is my problem.  I wonder.  I know the topic is about musings but I over-think and under perform.  I realize that I need to be proactive.  I want to change.  I need to change, but only for me.  I will change.  Proactivity is the key.  Taking action is what I must do if I wish to move forward.  This is about my weight issue.  I am struggling with eating way too much.  I have been struggling with trying to eat a certain amount of calories per day and it is not working.  I cannot take it anymore.  I don't know how many calories I am supposed to consume.  I want to lose 1-2 lbs a week, but I am struggling with calorie consumption.  I am at my wits end and I do not know where to begin.

Thursday, March 7, 2013


I am doing so much better today.  I was overwhelmed yesterday.  I have considered my ways.  That is what I did.  That is why I feel so much better.  The book of Haggai writes that we should consider our ways.  I finally found the answer, rather God gave me the answers.  I am okay now, but life is too short to be overwhelmed.  Sorry if it seems like I am rambling, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you this morning.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Being overwhelmed

I have been frustrated because of a matter which has been close to my heart.  I may be the laziest person in the world.  I so want to know what God's will is for my life.  I have spent a good part of my life overwhelmed.  I am very talented at being overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed about my weight.  I am overwhelmed about my day.  I am just plain overwhelmed.  There is so much I wish to do in this world before I leave it.  But alas, I have one day at a time and one life at a time. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Weighty matters

Maybe weighing myself is not a great idea.  It is quite frustrating.  It is as if I have gained weight every week.  Maybe if I were more careful about my eating habits, I wouldn't be so frustrated.  A lot can happen in the course of a week. 

Monday, March 4, 2013

Weight loss

I have lost another pound today.  Weighing myself once a week is such a hassle.  I was surprised that I lost as much weight as I did.  I am writing about this because I like being honest and unleashing.  I lost almost 40 lbs., so I am doing something right. 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

My musing about losing weight

I really want to lose weight.  I am glad that I am doing this.  I am doing this to be healthy and fit.  I have gained a lot of weight over the years and I want to lose this weight plus extra.  I would like to weigh 160 lbs, which seems like a lot.  However, it would be well worth it.

I added some information on myself and I think that it is all worth putting the information on my blog.  I guess I had nothing else to put down, too, but writing has been great for me.  I had no idea until that confession is good for the soul, yet writing is good for the mind.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Things I have done right so far with losing weight

· Lost 30 lbs.

· Eat in moderation for breakfast and dinner

· Moving around and relatively active

· Follow a schedule isn’t so hard

· Plans meals in advance

· Drink 6-8 servings of water per day

· Meal plans

· Have information to follow

· Motivation

· Grocery shopping to lose weight

· Have created own weight loss plan that have stuck to

· Affirming myself

· Renewing my mind daily

· Will and drive to continue to lose weight

· Set plan is coming into play

· Want to know myself more

· Respect and love myself and continue learning to do so

· Spiritual person who loves the Lord

· Drink soda every once in a while that is usually 0 calories

· Cut back on sugary drinks

· Cut back on fried foods

· Eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, dairy, and proteins

Friday, March 1, 2013

Problem solving

 Problem solving

• Current weight loss plateau

I am at a weight between 277 lbs. and 290 lbs. I will weigh myself only once a week on Mondays between 6:30-8:30 AM.

• Need to affirm myself

Learning to stand on my own two feet and respect myself. I have learned that caring what others think or may think will cause me to lose one’s respect and give power to others.

• Overwhelmed and constantly having to deal with being overwhelmed

I do not have to be overwhelmed. Giving my cares to God has helped me to not be anxious or overwhelmed. I have learned that being overwhelmed makes things worse.

• Don’t always eat in moderation during lunch

Counting calories is easier for me and it works. I do tend to eat the most during the lunch hours. I don’t eat second helpings mostly. But even with the first helpings, I cook too much food for two people. Measuring out portions and eating in moderation, reading labels, and taking care of oneself is what is important.

• Don’t always eat snacks in moderation

Measuring out portions even during snack time is important. What is not important is eating too much during snacking and only a few healthy snacks per day are okay.

• Don’t always eat smaller meals during the day

Eat smaller meals during the day. It is tempting to eat large meals because of the taste and texture of food. Realize that we eat to live not live to eat. Food can be an enemy or a friend.

• Following an exercise schedule in advance

Even if it is only 10 minutes a day, start off slowly. Walking is a good exercise and so is constantly moving around to do chores. Plan all of my exercises in advance keeping in mind my physical abilities and what I am truly capable of instead of my physical limitations.

• Procrastination

Begin to take control of my life including my health by doing what I am doing. I am writing things down and making plans. Now all I have to do is not be overwhelmed and actually do what is hard, and that is doing.

• Struggle to follow information such as meal plans

Don’t get overwhelmed and read up on meal plans and diet and fitness advice. Sometimes creating your own plan works.

• Need to finish a set plan to lose weight

Having clear goals is apparently something that I need to work toward so that I can succeed. My current goal is to “get out of” the 270 + pound mark.

• Need to be more holistic

Herbs, vitamins, and learning about them could be beneficial for health and weight.

• Still somewhat self-conscious however

This is something not to be overwhelmed by. I do have areas that I need to lose like my stomach, my inner thighs, and my arms, but with diet and exercise, I can succeed in “shrinking” those areas.

• Drinks too much juice

Drink juice only for breakfast or when “my sugar falls”.

• Need to eat more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods

Define processed foods and read the labels of each food. Buy more fruits and vegetables to eat. Plan meals in advance.

• Do eat fried foods sometimes

Cut back on fried foods and bake, roast, broil, steam, and stir fry them.