Saturday, January 31, 2015

Some more videos...

 "Let it Go" by Dewayne Woods

"Never Would Have Made It" by Marvin Sapp

"We Fall Down but We Get Up" by Donnie McClurkin

"No Weapon" by Frend Hammond

Friday, January 30, 2015

Accepting and conquering obsessive thoughts about infidelity

Today I realize that it is best to tackle fear head on.  As someone who is a bipolar with anxiety issues, it is much harder to do than most.  It is as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I have allowed these thoughts and fears to take over and I mean take over.  It doesn't help that I have quite a few struggles including how I feel about myself.  Is there a link between anxiety and how one feels about themselves?  I do and now I wonder if I had dealt with the anxiety then I would like myself more.  Maybe there is no link at all.  I don't know.

That is how I feel meanwhile about why I have obsessive thoughts about infidelity at all.  The truth is, I will never know.  The best thing to deal with these thoughts is to accept the fact that I have them. I have my own thoughts about infidelity and I do come across as a hypocrite since according to the thoughts, a promiscuous wife is no wife at all.  She is selfish and contemptible.  I don't think of the cheating man in the same way as it is in his DNA.  Men usually cheat more than women.

However, reality says different.  Men and women cheat.  While most women and men are faithful, I focus on those who have committed infidelity.  I have to fight these thoughts daily.  I am afraid of the triggers.  The anxiety and the fear has had a control over my life for many years.  It all started out within the past decade.  Things have changed.  My health has gotten worse, and my self-esteem lowered and I became more self-conscious.  On the other hand, I became older, wiser, and more spiritual.  If I could embrace aging then I could embrace anything.  How hard can it be?

It has been hard to say the least.  How can reconcile reality and how I feel about infidelity to what my mind says to me?  It has been hard for me to reconcile fact from fiction.  For example a fictional wife is caught in bed with another man, therefore I hate her and the person who plays her.  The stories of actual cheating wives don't bother me anymore.  OCD makes no sense and it probably never has. Trying to apply logic to OCD is impossible.  The best thing I can do is not only to face the fear head on but to not rationalize or fight but to embrace it as a thought that goes against all that I have and all who I am.  I have to just see it as a thought, nothing less, nothing more.

I know that infidelity is wrong and it is a selfish, sinful act in which there is no justification.  I realize that one doesn't have to be pure evil or immoral to do wrong.  On the other hand, it doesn't make one a good person either.  I am not saying that adulterers are all evil, but if that were the case, so are the rest of us.  I too am an adulterer.  I am unfaithful, selfish, and have done some evil, cowardly things in my life.  For example, a man who has said that his dead wife slept with everyone.  I can dismiss it as a thought and that she did not literally sleep with everyone, but she should not have cheated with so many people.  If the person was a man, then I would say the same thing.  Having said all of that, maybe I should take the time to write out those thoughts and then replace them with what is real and what is mundane and what is true.  What is true is that like Gomer and the adulteress in John 8, the two guilty women were redeemed and that unrepentant sinners like adulterers do not spend eternity with God.  What is also true is that like the adulterer we all are against the Lord.  I could just replace these thoughts with true thoughts that express what I feel about the situation and how I truly feel about said adulterer.  I thought about it this morning and I realize some strategy has be be used to view the thoughts as illogical and something to embrace.  It is hard to explain but the strategy is to not to let the fear and anxiety take over.  I hope this "strategy" works.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Am I being unfair? Should I be leery of politicians in general?

I like Senator Ted Cruz and Trey Gowdy. I am sure they are examples of people who want to change things in Washington. However, despite their views, should I also be leery of them? After all, they are politicians. Should I be leery of even those whose views I agree with? It seems to me that politics is or has gotten too dirty (and way too partisan) and there are too many politicians who are corrupt or dishonest. I figure that anyone including they could be tempted because of the godlessness and corruption that is out in the political spectrum. Am I being unfair to be so leery of even those who don't (yet) have reputations or being corrupt, money hungry, or liars?

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Taking a much needed break...

 "It Feels so Good" by Sonique

"The Storm is Over Now" by Kirk Franklin and God's Property (?)"

 "His Eye is on the Sparrow" by Lauryn Hill and Tonya Blount

 "Overprotected" by Britney Spears

 "Can't Fight the Moonlight" by Leann Rimes

Monday, January 26, 2015

Have race relation at least in the US, REALLY gotten worse?

Have race relations worsened under the Obama Administration or have they been exposed because a man of color is running the country? It seems to me like the concept of who or what is racist have changed so much that it has almost seem to lost its meaning. The racism is subtle where I am from, so there is some prejudice here. Yet most of the people tend to get along, at least when I was a student 20 years ago. I say this at the risk of showing my age. Needless to say that there has always been racism and will always remain until Jesus comes back.

I believe racism is a sin and a spiritual sin at that. There is so much hatred, prejudice, and bigotry in the church, which is ironic considering that some of the most racist, hate filled bigots are either "persons of color", religious, and other groups who have been "oppressed" or looked down upon by the larger society. I wonder why that is. Now, having said this, my question is, will true racism, bigotry, and prejudice all worsen before Jesus' return?

It seems like it and I believe that things will get even worse in the near future. Is it also a sign of the end times according to Matthew 24? I know at first I wrote about the current US President but I have noticed that people have either become more resentful (and not just about the economy) and divisive, but could it also be that what is going on is just exposing the racism, bigotry, and prejudice that is already alive and well? It also seems to be "talk of a race war" and the exclusion and name calling of others.

Respect of others seem to be lacking in all direction (and just a white on "minority" thing, but a black on white thing, etc). It is a sad state that many people of color blame the white man for the ills or blame blacks for all of the problems and that have made things worse. Also, how come much of the church doesn't preach on that? I guess I am sheltered but there are even churches who preach racial and ethnic supremacy. I have my own beliefs, but I wonder too why is it that within the US Church is there so much hatred among the races. I know of people who go to church and pray to God on Sunday, but they are more prejudiced or openly hate other groups Monday through Saturday. How come they don't seem to care that a religious unrepentant racist or bigot will not end up in Heaven when they die?

I know that I am someone who is concerned about this issue. I can and will not try to save a person as I don't have any power. However, I believe that because we live in world says that we should not judge but love the person, but hate their sin, we forget that even the true believers shall judge the angels. I am not saying that we should hate racists, bigots, or those who are prejudiced.

Many in the US church do not see that while there are historical reasons why this is so, they see no problems with the segregation of races. I believe a pastor who thinks we should love those and that God will judge their hearts. I believe that while it is well-meaning, it is unbiblical because God will judge people, but not in the way that many people will think. I believe that biblically God will judge whether one is truly repentant and obedient and saved, or whether it is the opposite. I don't think that God will just judge a person's heart. Even many unrepentant sinners have good hearts. But that all is my two cents. I know that this is a rather long rant, but this and other issues have me fired up. That is all.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Discouragement over these obsessive thoughts

I am discouraged today.  I am suffering and tired of being anxious.  Right now, all that I have learned and all that I am afraid of has been greatly disconcerting.  I feel like giving up and let nature take its course.  My thoughts are about infidelity.  Sometimes the thoughts are easy to deal with.  At other times the thoughts are so bothersome that they are anxiety-ridden and cause me to be frustrated.  I have anxiety about things that do not concern me.  It looks to be of great concern but because I have been taking such a great interest in infidelity the anxiety disappears, if only for a minute.  Then it comes back again. I have a hard time during those times and I need help.  Maybe God is trying to help me through those issues but what?

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Why do we mistreat and dehumanize others?

I believe that abortion is a sin .  I just have an issue with the murder of a child.  I just feel that anyone who practices abortion has blood on their hands.  It is another form of dehumanization just like what happened to blacks over 150 years ago and Jews over 65 years ago.  This is sick and so sad.  No one deserves to be misinterpreted.  As a matter of fact, I am watching a sermon on abortion and the 'preacher' mentioned Dredd Scott and what happened to the Jews in Europe.  It is sick how people can have that power to dehumanize another 'citizen of the world' just like how some people have this either in the United States that has happened to fellow citizens.  It makes me wonder how difficult it would be to bless a nation where groups of people have been and unfortunately will continued to be divided.  That is ungodly in of itself.  In my opinion, God, help us all.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Holy and Perfected...excellent goals to have

I realize that I have a long way to go into being perfected.  I have thoughts that are unholy and have done things that are unholy.  I need help in understanding that my issues are mine and mine alone but that does not mean that things have to stay the way they are.  I realize that once I realize that I have the issues, I can see a clearer picture.  It is like being a believer with OCD, which I am.  Living for God isn't that easy; it can be hard sometimes.  It is well worth it though.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Judgment and how I should feel about people

I learned to lose all people even if I have personal problems with them.  Some people are just unlikable in my eyes.  It is also unfruitful for me to hold on to ungodly feelings about someone who Jesus died on the cross for, regardless if they are nice people or not.  It is also unfruitful for me to dislike people based on what one hears.  I am often guilty of that and I need to repent of that way of thinking.  It is no better than disliking a person just because a friend dislikes them.  That person may actually be nicer and more honest than the person one considers a friend.  It is also unfruitful to dislike a person because of gossip.  It makes sense to not like what a person does or their attitude to but to hate them for something that I have no real knowledge makes no sense.  There are supposedly two sides to every story.  I wonder how I would feel if someone judged me because of gossip and furthermore disliked me because of it.  It wouldn't feel very good yet I am not the one who is judging. Is it really biblical to love those yet hate their ways?  I am not saying hate or despise a person, but is it biblical to just love and not judge everyone since God is the only one who can judge?  After all, Jesus loves us imperfect people, so who are we to judge?  I am not sure, but there is a difference rebuke and godly judgment and being hypocritical.  Judgment is about pointing out wrongs in someone's life, but even misinterpretation is possible.  There is a difference between loving and not wishing to judge because it is not the Christian thing to do no matter what the sin is, but that is just my two cents.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Ten Random Affirmations and things that I am grateful for

1.  I am alive.

2. I have a family who care for me.

3. I have a blog with which I can communicate with me everyday.

4. I am a woman who has many redeemable qualities as a person.

5. I have God in my life.

6. I love my hair.

7. I embrace my age.

8.  I live a life of possibilities

9.  I like to help people.

10. I respect the rights of others.


1. I have the grace of God.

2. I care about other people.

3. I am strong and no longer fearful.

4. I am truthful with myself and others.

5. I have a positive outlook on life.

6. I am humble.

7. I am talented.

8. I believe in justice and fairness for all.

9.  I have a Higher Power who guides me

10. I am worthy.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Those mental fillers that need to be dismissed

Sometimes having mental and emotional problems basically sucks.  That is the best way to put it.  I have fears and doubts in my life and often times those are the things that I focus on.  The mental fillers that tend to dominate are those that will keep my self esteem low.  Am I filling out those that are positive?  How do I deal with those negative mental fillers, if I have to even deal with them at all?

Monday, January 19, 2015

Mind Reading is not a good idea.

I wish I could be a mind reader.  I would love to know what the world is thinking.  However, that would be something that could prove harmful to me.  I right now am so tired.  I read that there is a correlation between depression, tiredness and low self esteem. I have been feeling this way for the past couple of days now.  Since I cannot read the mind of others, the best I can do is to care what I think so that I can think better about myself.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Why is everything a catrastophe?

Why does everything seem so important to me?  Right now, I wish I didn't have this mindset.  Maybe that is why I have a headache.  My low self-esteem is causing me stress.  I realize that if I didn't have that much stress then I wouldn't be nearly as frustrated.  I am feeling okay and my health is improving (otherwise).  It is as if I have been so sheltered that I only know one thing ; what is going on with me?  I have no real clue as to what is really going on in the world.  I am afraid always.  I have issues that I have to deal with.  I am scare that all of these problems will never end.  Right now I feel so alone.  Why do I care more about what I watch or read more than more realistic and important things?  Why do I view my entertainment as important and almost nothing else?  I admit that I have gotten myself too caught up in the things of the world.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Emotions and wanting to end it all

I do feel like leaving this earth and not in a good way.  I often wish that what I see will soon be gone. In a good way means to look forward to Jesus' return for one day all of "this", what we see, will no longer exists.  In a bad way, it means that obviously there is something wrong with me.  I realize that my thoughts are really obsessive thoughts.  One day I will have to realize that and see what thoughts are to me.  The problem is they are only thoughts once I realize that they are only thoughts.  I realize that I take these thoughts too personality and get caught up in the world. I have spent much of my life stressed out because of my issues.  I am not sure how to deal with the stressors that I face daily. Anything can be a source of anxiety like my health and my appearance to emotions and my thoughts. I would like to not only see things positively but to not react so negatively to the thoughts I have.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Enemy of God?

I feel like hitting a brick wall.  That is because I feel like someone is poking or rubbing my skin.  I even feel like someone has hit me.  Why is that?  It is because of feel guilty and unworthy.  If only I were smarter (in common sense), prettier, or had the ability to fit in, then maybe I would have been treated better.  I have been told that I am nice.  I have a beautiful personality.  Yep the common fat girl comment.  I have decided to do something about it.  It hit me this weekend when I had the thought that I was being a friend of the world, but an enemy to God.  Was that what I was doing?  Is this a form of OCD?  What does it mean to be an enemy of God?  I would think that it means that one is either too caught up in the things of the world or one who keeps sinning without regard.  Someone who is adulterous keeps on cheating either without regard because of selfish or they have other reasons to cheat and it is not focused on God.  Maybe that is the problem.  I have been so focused on the world that it has caused me to not be focused on God.  However, does having low self esteem makes me an enemy despite my being a Christian?  Caring what others think could definitely have an impact on pretty much the quality of one's life.  But could it have an effect on one's own soul?  I guess so, I guess not.  Maybe I am just misinterpreting this verse.  All I know is that I found it interesting that I have been convicted of this very verse in the first place.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Staying stuck in the past

I have having issues with the past.  I have been laughed at, called names, and generally made fun of. I also cared what people thought.  It didn't help that not only was I overweight but I was self-conscious and overweight.  The truth is, I am not being laughed at, called names, or made fun of.  Life can be a struggle for me but I realize it has been my thoughts all along.  I was the one who was bullied and had low self-esteem.  The thing is I was unforgiving, resentful, sad, and stuck in the past.  The truth is, there is nothing I can do about it.  I have had thoughts about being among the bullied and made fun of.  I found myself alone and unpopular.  Because of this, I still found myself self-conscious and unhappy.  The problem really became my thoughts of only negative memories instead of what happened really in my life.  I struggled with a mindset that only saw the negative instead of the positive and realistic.  I thought that others hated me and it had an effect on me.  There has been much self-talk over the years and it has been at best depressing.  I was the most hated person there was.  I didn't see myself the way God saw and still sees me.  That is what happened to me. Nowadays I can do something about.  I was the one people downed and laughed at, but I realize that I that I don't have to stay that way and for that, I am thankful.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Black and white thinking

I was given a few ideas today.  My mindset is something that I believe can change.  I have been through a lot of negative things and have written a lot of negative posts.  Thinking that the posts are admissions and ways of pouring my heart out, they were actually negative views that I have about myself.  I confess that a changed mindset involves loving, liking, and also respecting oneself.  I haven't liked or loved me in years.  Today is a day that I can and will change or at least begin to. I have a black and white thinking where things in the world where many see a world that has many shades of gray.  I have not treadled lightly at all because I did not realize that not every isn't a medium or balance.  A renewed mind requires balance and black and white thinking is the opposite of that.  I tend to see myself on the negative spectrum.  However, that is because I tend to see things positive ironically that I am and have been overwhelmed.  Low and slow are the ways to go.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Exercises to follow based on videos below for 1/13/15

 Ab exercise 1=10 minutes
 Ab exercise 2= 8 minutes

 Stretches for tense shoulders and back pain relief 20 minutes

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Great Diet and Exercise Advice-

1. Take control of my situation and change me. I know that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Your word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made

2. I have no good excuse as to the lack of exercise. I wish I did have an excuse and maybe I could go with the problem and not procrastinate. I just want to go back and exercise. I wish I had a set routine. Maybe I would be more cautious as to the benefits of exercise.

3. Life is too short to be unhealthy, which I am. The way to deal with frustration is to make small changes. I was spending much of the week overwhelmed due to frustration, failure to "hit the mark" due to overeating, and anxiety.

4. I just would like to actually eat in moderation. I am not too sure how. Maybe if I know what it means to eat in moderation, then maybe I would actually do it. That is what I have to do, just do it. Eating in moderation is a very important thing because I am a diabetic. I believe that I ate in moderation today. However, I know about eating the wrong kinds of foods not in moderation, but in excess.

5. I believe that commitment is the key to losing weight. Taking small steps has been hard but even the smallest easiest thing to do can be a daunting task. All I know to do is to not give up and live out this journey one day at a time. Commitment involves sticking to something that ends up having the desire that one wishes.

6. I am to represent Jesus Christ in all areas of my life including my body.

7. Honesty when it comes to a weight loss journey also goes a long way. A little does indeed go a long way.

8. I would like to follow a diet and exercise plan.  I will plan an exercise regimen by starting off slow

9.  Sometimes it feels good to complement myself but what I would like to do is not to just compliment but to express it different ways.  For instance, I should be more specific whenever I say that I did well.  However, I did follow the health guidelines  that have been set before me.

10. Be consistent.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

A calm mind goes a long way into losing weight

Right now, my mind is calm.  I spoke to a Weight Watchers coach and it was amazing how helpful she was.  She didn't mention the tortoise and the hare, but even though the hare was faster, the slow tortoise too his time.  I guess that is what I needed to do in order to lose weight.  Making a mistake is something all of us have to deal with.  Taking a long hard look at myself is quite difficult since I tend to get overwhelmed.  She gave me some much needed advice and I will take it to heart.  Low and slow is the way to go.  If only I could remember that whenever I feel overwhelmed.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Disappointment with myself

Today is a day of disappointments.  I brought it on myself.  I am not happy with myself.  However I realize that it is a lesson.  I would like to go back ironically.  I wish sometimes that I would never join the program.  However, it would be foolish.  I want to lose weight.  I don't want to go back on my own.  I need to lose weight, but for me.  But have I not only been reminded, but also let the reasons for weight loss to actually sink in?  I know that if I sink it in then maybe just maybe I would do better.   I am not perfect, but I would like to succeed.  To move forward, I have to overcome looking at my disappointments and possible failures.  I am not anxious today, which is good, but I find losing weight has its discouraging moments, and this is one of them,.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Anxiety and lack of wisdom and counsel

Yesterday's post is quite revealing.  I have been overwhelmed by anxiety and going too fast.  What I mean is that I don't want to overcome things one at a time.  Right now, that has been an issue for a long time, and so has anxiety.  I have been dealing with those two issues and I don't want to deal with both issues more than one at a time.  I have been dealing and still am dealing with anxiety which is something that has been difficult.  I am worried that I will not last on this program and that I will stay anxious during the whole progress.  I have to take a long look at myself and I have come to realize that losing weight is and will always be a long journey.  I am reminded that there is One who will give me the support that I need and who will counsel and guide me in this endeavor.  I know that I am in need of others and that is another problem.  I have chosen to go at it alone which is another issue altogether.  This too is quite stressful.  Support and wise counsel are exactly what I need.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Who I want to be and who I saw

Today I am a bit sore.  It is also my last day of physical therapy.  I look forward to doing the exercises that has been given to me.  Right now, I might have to modify it.  I wasn't sure I was going to finish all of my sessions but I did.  I am so sore from the exercises and the weights that were put on me.  This isn't the first time that I completed a physical therapy session.  In fact, this was my second. Being there was far more of a motivation session that even the first.  I looked at myself in the mirror what I saw I didn't like.  I have to admit that.  I had no issue with the person looking back at me.  I did and still do have an issue with her appearance.  I saw a person who needed and wanted to lose weight.

This time I was going to do something about it.  I finally did.  Right now, while it hasn't been smooth sailing, I am actually learning to deal and actually dealing with the issues that I have.  I could have chosen to go to Weight Watchers meetings.  I lost weight so far so I must be doing something right.  That is what I need to focus on.  A lady gave me some fantastic advice.  This has become my motto: direction not perfection.  I am new to this third time I joined Weight Watchers and one of the reasons for past failures and frustrations was that I was overwhelmed.

I have to deal with being overwhelmed.  For years I was stressed out and I do now wonder how much of a toll stress has taken on me.  I realize that the direction I am going and have to continue going, is forward or northward. My goal was for the perfect day or the perfect weight. The truth is I had no set goal.  The good news is now I do.  There are things that would go a long way into losing weight and a set goal is a large one.  As a person who has a "perfectionist" personality, I began to give up on myself.  I finally realized that the answer to consistency in losing weight is to not only persevere but to expect and embrace the positives of this journey.  I love this going the long way as if I were a tortoise.  I now see the big picture by taking a few small steps.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Celia Cruz

 "La Negra Tiene Tumbao"

 "Oye Como Va"


May the lady rest in peace...

Monday, January 5, 2015

Congratulations on a few of these Grammy 2015 Nominees...

 "Royals" by Lorde

 "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea

 "Shake if Off" by Taylor Swift

 "Happy" by Pharrell Williams

Contemporary Instrumental Album

"Wild Heart," Mindi Abair
"Slam Dunk," Gerald Albright
"Nathan East," Nathan East
"Jazz Funk Soul," Jeff Lorber, Chuck Loeb, Everette Harp
"Bass & Mandolin," Chris Thile & Edgar Meyer

Rock Performance

"Gimme Something Good," Ryan Adams
"Do I Wanna Know?" Arctic Monkeys
"Blue Moon," Beck
"Fever," The Black Keys
"Lazaretto," Jack White

Friday, January 2, 2015

"Down with the clown" by the ICP

This song takes me back  to a time when wrestling was my favorite athletic event.  I still watch but not like I once did.  I have no idea why except for the fact that maybe I grew out of it.  I got tired of the tastelessness within the product.  My love for wrestling has increased.  In fact, I am watching Daniel Bryan giving a promo just recently.  He has become a big name in the wrestling business. He is quite a talented performer with his own catchphrase.  I can still watch but sadly the love is no longer there what was and that makes me sad.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year 2015...Officially

I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year.  Like every other year, 2014 had its up and downs. I have embraced crushes and birthdays.  I realized a lot of things this year.  I also realize(d) that I can do something about things.  I have a New Years resolution and that is to lose weight and keep it off. I am and will continue to do that.