Wednesday, October 31, 2012

What's a girl to do?

That is my question for today.

I am all prayed out.  It is a dry spell for me.  I am both encouraged and discouraged.  I would like to be able to express myself freely yet I cannot.  In fact, I don't even know what to write about today.  Should I just write what comes naturally or should I just save myself the embarassment and end this blog for today?

Well, maybe I should just finish.  How much harm could it do?  It is my blog after all.  It can't be any worse than what else is going on in the world.  I have learned a valuable lesson from this.  This blog has taught me so many things. 

Not every day will be as exciting as the previous one.  Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn today.  Nothing happened today.  I ate, breathed, and I slept.  I woke up a little later than I usually do, which doesn't start my day well.  It is as if I missed a good part of the morning that I could have done other things. 

I am thankful that I am writing this blog.  It will be a boring blog because I had a boring day.  It wasn't a good day, but I didn't have a bad day.  Maybe I could take the time to go outside of myself and look all around me...find something, anything to do.

Today has been the story of my life for the past few years.  Not much happens on the surface but if I look closely enough, I realize how wrong I was.  I am sure to live more days such as these.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The issue of racism

 Racism is indeed a sin that impacts every area of society.  I only have a bird's eye view of racism from an American's point of view in a secular sense.  Racism whether subtle or open and blatant, is insidious and just plain wrong.  I used to be obsessed with the issue of race and I have come to realize that this obsession with race and racism has added nothing to my life.  It has taken away from it.  It has caused undue stress.

It is so sad that racism exists.  Why can't we all just get along?  I remember when Rodney King asked this very same question.  It may have been worded differently, however.  The point is the same.  Why can't people get along?  Why are there so many agendas?  Why is there racial supremacy when all humans belong to one race?  Why are we so divided along racial lines?  What is race?

There are so many questions that I would like to ask, but racism is spiritual?  Jew or Greek, we as believers are one with Christ.  One Lord, One Faith, One Baptism.  Jesus died for Jew and Gentile, black, white, and Asian.  I noticed that the Word of God had differing views of how humans are classified.  We were nations and tongues and peoples, not just black people, white people, Caucasoid, Negroid, etc.  The people didn't think in 500 year old pseudo-scientific terms.  They didn't have the same concept of race that we have today.

Racism is about as old as humanity itself.  The problem or rather sin or racism will always remain as long as there are racists.  God is only One who will judge the racist.  Anyone regardless or skin tone or nationality can be a racist.  I have learned that first hand.  I have witnessed and dealt with racism all my life and looking back I found out that I no longer have that issue with different cultures.  I did however become obsessed with race or tried to deny it or form my own opinion about it.

I wasn't sure if I should agree or disagree that black people such as myself could be racist because racism is about power.  You see black people don't have much of the political and financial power in the United States so we don't have the power to discriminate against someone because or race or nationality.  A black person can be bigoted, but not racist.

I now believe that this is not the case.  Anyone can be a bigot, but only certain people can be racist?  Not true.  Anyone can be racist, bigoted, or prejudiced.  No one is immune, any more immune that one who has to answer to God for every thought, every word, and every deed they committed under the sun.  I am not immune from this.  We live in a world that lacks compassion and love and racism is devoid of love and compassion from a fellow man.  Where in the Bible does it say that racism, prejudice, and bigotry are okay?  No where.  Why are there segregated churches?  Why do people of differing racial and ethnic backgrounds go to separate churches supposedly on the Sabbath, where it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath?  No where does the Bible say that that is okay.

I was a racist who had her share of prejudiced and bigoted views based on being supposedly well learned.  I would spend or rather waste time ruminating and asking questions about race, color, and racism.  Instead of getting to know people and look at their hearts, I looked at their colors and that is wrong.  No association should be made about a person based on their skin tone, race, or ethnic or national background.  No one has the right to generalize entire groups of people because we don't know everyone in that group.  I have since repented of my sins and have been forgiven.  I have come to realize that as a forgiven person, I have no room to judge anyone else.  I prejudged people based on their racial background and have formed opinions based on their racial background.  My mind and my eyes were closed to the world because of my ignorance and my being sheltered.  I was a sinner in need of a Savior.  I was wrong and I was not proud of my views.  Hidden views about race can be just as dangerous as those that are not so hidden.  I often question myself and the world as large about race, because I hated that it existed, but no amount of question will change anything either. 

What can end racism?  Racism is a sin that each and every individual needs to repent of, regardless of political affiliation, ancestry, skin tone, or ethnicity.  Whatever race we identify as, we are all God's creation but the Holy Spirit of God convicts unbelievers of our sins.  We are to repent and live and love and serve God.  I am not a Bible scholar, but I do know that the Lord is the only One who saves.  All of us are ignorant about something, but we don't have to remain ignorant.  There is no excuse for that.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Weight loss-eating plan

I have finally found a way to make myself accountable.  I have stressed myself out about my weight to the point where it became a vicious cycle.  I became self conscious, I ate because I gave up on myself and my efforts to lose weight, and I became frustrated.  I had prayed about this situation.  I beccame more grateful.  Being grateful does wonders for a person and thankfully, no one is immune.  It has brought a new perspective on things, including my health.  Stress hasn't accomplished anything but frustration and a downturn in my overall health.  I have learned to be proactive and put my plan in motion.  I also have to be consistent and follow my plan.  I finally have a plan customized for me, which will make my journey smoother, though I realize it won't be easy.
Below is my own eating and weight loss plan:
Meals :
snack 1
snack 2
snack 3
snack 4

Calories per day
October 21-November 3                           2150 calories
November 4-November 17                       2000 calories
November 18-December 1                        1900 calories
December 2-December 15                        1800 calories
December 16-December 29                      1700 calories
December 30-January 12, 2013                1600 calories
January 13,2013 and later                         1500 calories

October 21-October 27                              20 min, 4 days a week
October 28-November 3                            30 min, 5 days a week
November 4-November 17                        30 min, 6 days a week
November 18-December 1                         45 min, 5 days a week
December 2-December 15                         45 min, 6 days a week
December 16-December 29                       60 min, 5 days a week
December 30 and later                               60 min, 6 days a week

Number of carbs
October 21-November 3                             300
November 4-November 17                         290
November 18-December 1                          280
December 2-December 15                          270
December 16-December 29                        260
December 30-January 12, 2013                  250
January 13,2013 and later                           less than 250

Sodium mg per day
October 21-November 3                            3500 mg
November 4-November 17                        3000 mg
November 18 and later                              2500 mg

My own pyramid food plan
5 servings of fruits
5 servings of vegetables
4 servings of dairy and grains
3 servings of meats
3 servings of proteins
1 serving or 2 ounces of sweets, fats, and oils
6-8oz. glasses of water per day

Now that I have written down my plan in detail, I have also learned to plan my meals in advance.  Writing down a journal such as have been helpful.  Also, it is best to weigh yourself first thing in the morning, at least once or twice a week.  It is always best to weigh oneself on an empty stomach.  So far, the plan has worked.  There will be some difficulties along the way, but I know that I can lose the weight I wish to lose.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Being an American

What does it mean to be an American?  That is an interesting question.  What does it mean to be Brazilian?  What does it mean to be Canadian?  I can't identify with a Brazilian or a Canadian, but I can identify with being an American.  That is part of who I am.  But here is the code word: identity.  Who am I?  I was born and raised in the United States.  I believe that it is the greatest country in the world.  America is all I know about.  It is a nation of flawed individuals good and bad.  It is no different than any other country in that aspect.

I live in a country where evil has happened and that cannot be forgotten.  Evil should be confronted and defeated.  Well, in the history of the United States, for every evil that has happened, there has been that same evil that has been confronted.  We have learned that all are God's creation with unaliable rights, yet many have not lived up to that promise.  I don't see America as an evil empire which exploited people, though exploitation and ignorance have occurred.  I see an America as a great nation in which despite the evil in the world, there is goodness and light.  There is justice, love, friendship, and a sense of spirituality.  Most all Americans want to live up to the ideals that the Founders and Framers of the Constitution set forth.

I am not an expert in history, but I know this much.  America is not only a nation of ideals but of people who lived by that ideals, failed those ideals, and strived to live by those ideals.  I'm sure every country has those individuals.  Realistically, all do.  Our military fights for those ideals and they sacrifice much to make sure those ideals are still not only a reminder, but a reality.  Our children needs to be educated on those ideals.  Our legal system needs to render a decision by those ideals.  Our country cannot survive without those ideals.

While there is evil in an evil world, being an American is about hope, freedom, and strength.  I live in a nation where most realize that for a nation to survive, we must be spiritually as well as morally grounded.  When a nation lose those grounds, we lose our ideals.  The ideals that I refer to are life, liberty, freedom, integrity, loyalty, family, and of course faith.  But all nations claim to have those ideals, no?  I'm sure they do, but America is built on those ideals and then some.  I admit that there are people in the nation who have lived up to those ideals in the past and up to today, but I believe in freedom, liberty, integrity, being loyal, and being faithful in God, family, and country. 

America is a land of opportunity.  Freedom at one time was deferred, and let us as Americans learn about past freedom denied and past freedom deferred.  But let us move forward and take the opportunities that we have now.  There are people who live in countries who still have freedoms that are denied to them.  Their leaders are corrupt and rule with an iron fist.  There is greater poverty and a lack of mobility.  Many people are not able to provide for their families and become upwardly mobile in their societies.

We as Americans are among the blessed few in the world.  We have an opportunity to be thankful.  I could go on and on about the evils and problems that we have in this nation, but I will say this.  In this country, we don't take the time to be thankful.  This country is a country of provision and ingenuity.  We are to also be thankful that we can make this nation further live up to the ideals, but living up to those ideals start with each individual.  We are a compassionate nation, but I have to ask myself, how compassionate am I?  I live in a nation where I can speak out and worship God without fail, yet have I done anything to make sure God is not made known in the lives of others?  Have I been hypocritical and not shown any Christian love towards my fellow man or woman?  I believe in liberty, but what have I done or shown to promote liberty?

I believe that as an American, we need to repent to God and question ourselves daily.  Despite what I feel about the godliness of our nation, or the lack thereof, there is at least a God given right to worship as we please.  We live in a nation where there is a church, temple, mosque, or synagogue in every street corner in every rural or urban area of the country.  Things are not perfect here, because this is a nation of imperfect people.  My one hope is that we who are Americans do not lose sight  that we are an imperfect people who are a people of accomplishment.  We are a nation where slaves and countries were freed, where people escaped, where people worked, and where people worshipped.  Being an American is about being proud of who we are, our ideals, being able to confront evil no matter where it is, here or there.  But we have a history where a proud people who  lost much of their ancestral heritage, denied the basic rights because there were people who failed to live up to American ideals have enslaved and taken advantage of them, segregated, and segregated by those leaders who have failed to live up to those ideals overcome all of those things to become a new people who have built schools, businesses, and neighborhoods.  They were a religious people who loved their God whether it was Jesus or Allah, who has taken part in the revitalization of communities, been teachers, doctors, lawyers, politicians, technicians, parents, and role models in the community.

They, my people, have come a long way.  The story of Black Americans is not a separate story of a minority within America, but America in general.  It is a story about enslaved Africans who have survived the humiliations of slavery, the hypocrisy of freedom denied, the freedom deferred because of segregation, and now having to deal with the issues faced in American society.  We are not just black Americans, or Americans of African descent.  We are not a lost people .  We have an identity.  We have a culture.  We have a history.  We have much to be proud of.  Why?  Because we are Americans.  I am proud of being an American.  Being a black American is about what it is like that no matter what evil I have to confront I am not a minority American outside of the mainstream.  I am not a hyphenated-American.  I am an American.  I am not from Africa.  My opeople and I are Americans and have been for centuries.  Things are not perfect because of the godlessness in our country and straying away from our nation's values.  However, being an American is about possibilities only being limited because we allow ourselves to be limited.  I refuse to be limited.  Let us as Americans not make that mistake of allowing ourselves to be limited.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Managing stress

So I was walking yesterday trying to find out what to write today.  Yesterday I decided to write about my weight and my motivation to lose weight.  Yesterday was the day of revelation and of jubilation.  Today, will be even better.

I feel pretty good right now as I am typing this.  The root cause of all of my problems is the inability to deal with stress.  I am a Type A personality who has a great inability to relax.  If I could take a vacation, I would.  The great thing about this blog is that I can pour out my soul and not feel embarassed to reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings.  That has done much to relieve my stress.

Bad stress as I have heard and rather, read about, yesterday as I mentioned earlier has been the root cause of all of my problems.  I turned things over to the Lord and I feel better already.  I have overcome doubt and have learned to trust Him.  I felt guilty about a lot of things in my life, one of which is doubting.  Doubt I have learned is a hinderance to not only answered prayer, but an impedence on one's daily walk with God and a major source of stress.

One of those things that I am stressed about is my weight.  I gained a whole lot of weight in a rather short time and I have lost and gained weight.  I have even felt guilty about gaining weight because I stopped taking care of myself.  I allowed it to happen.  I wanted to be a certain weight like I was in high school.  However, I cannot go back more than 20 years, so I can only deal with today.  I have a plan about my weight which I will reveal tomorrow in the next blog.  It is a customizable plan that I believe is realistic for me and will work for me.  Remember, low and slow.  I have learned that diet and exercise are the key as well as dealing with stress.

As a diabetic, stress management is very important because it has an effect on one's physical, spiritual, psychological, and emotional health.  I feel like that I am a different person thanks to praising and worshipping the Lord.  I have much to be grateful about.  I have so much to give, which was at one time a source of stress.  What is God's plan and purpose for my life?  Why am I here on this planet?  How will God use me?  I often ask those questions to God and my prayer life has gotten better as a result of being grateful and praiseworthy.  I have received so much love from strangers that I feel that whatever limits that I may have now are not an impedence to how God will use me.

I pray that I will learn to deal with weight issues, health issues, and stress one day at a time and not lose heart.  I have allowed fear, stress, and doubt to rule over me for so long that I have come to realize that I lost pieces of myself.  I had to wonder who I really am?  I am still wondering and trying to find myself even though I am in my late 30s.  I have spent so long comparing my life to others that I found myself trapped in my circumstances.  I was depressed, lonely, miserable, and feeling like life has passed me by.  That alone is a great source of stress.  God has helped me overcome that.  I have a ways to go, but at least I can finally move forward. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Motivation to lose weight

For the past few years, I became more and more self conscious than ever before.  It took this year to realize how stress and self esteem issues have had a negative influence on my life.  I made a list of reasons why I am motivated to lose weight.  Here is my interpretation of why I am motivated to lose weight.

I confess that my weight is over 300 lbs and I am diabetic and have a number of other issues related to my weight.  My motivation involves a hope that I have.  I have on the other hand have done nothing to deal with my issues with self esteem based on what I have written.  The list that I wrote was quite telling.  It is a list of I haves and I woulds.  It might as well be a list of I could or I should or I should not or could not. 

The truth is I have a metabolic condition that has done a number on my overall health and well being.  My goal is to lose more than 100 lbs and I am coming close to that goal everyday.  My self esteem has improved as a result of my weight loss for the simple fact that I have learned a lot about myself.

I have learned to stand on my two feet.  I have realized that weight loss is not only a goal, but an accomplishment.  Slow and low is the key to losing weight.  I have also learned that formulating a plan that I have to overcome my fears, which is a source of stress in my life.  There are many issues that I have to deal with.  I give up too easily and I have become tired and overwhelmed. 

I feel much better about things since I begin to write this blog.  My musings are about my overall thoughts.  I am better able to fit over my clothes, which is now becoming more of a minor thing.  I have learned to not take too much for granted.  Life is too short to be unhealthy, but it is too short to be overwhelmed.  I want to do the right thing, but no one is perfect.  Deep down inside, I was a perfectionist in mind and at heart.

I am more active and I have been busy lately.  I have become much more proactive.  This is the first time that I truly am happy with myself in a long time.  I realize that no one else can do for me what I can do myself.  I am so grateful to God for giving me that revelation.  I have so many lightbulbs going on in my head even now.

There are things that limit me but I have decided to learn to work within my limits so that my goals can be reached.  I learned that only the sky's the limit, because there are endless possibilities.  I have grown up a lot lately.  It took me a while to learn, but I have learned.  All of the knowledge in the world can be overwhelming, but it doesn't have to be.  I have taken life one day at a time and moment by moment.

I have become wiser because I am wiser.  I have gotten a new appreciation for all things spiritual and secular.  I feel better about myself.  I am not bothered or discouraged.  As a matter of fact, doors have been opened to me that I felt have never been opened before.  All I have to do is come on in.  It really is that simple, but being consistent and putting it in to practice is hard.  It, however, does get easier and I know it will get easier.  What else has helped me is that I have made realistic plans and have set realistic goals.  All I have to do is follow them.

All in all, life has gotten better.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

So I was filling out my resume....

I find myself disappointed.  However, there were things that I have been grateful for.  What do I need to do with what I have.  I have been given the advice to be proud or thankful with what you have.  When it comes to my resume, it could get better.  This resume below is an example of why I need to go our more.

Francis Marion University, Florence, SC
Bachelor of Science, Mathematics                                                                                                    1997 
Completed graduate courses M.Ed. Secondary Education-Mathematics                                 2003-2004
Courses completed: Set Theory, Mathematical Models and Applications, Probability and Statistics 

Computer Hardware: Windows Vista/XP/98/7
Computer Software: MS Word, MS PowerPoint,  MS Excel,  Adobe Reader


Type 47 wpm
Proficient with the use of adding and graphic calculators
Proficient with general office equipment: fax machines and software, terminals, all-in-one and laser printers, personal computers
Taking down messages and answering phones
Performed inventory of office materials

Management of Money Market accounts
Promoted and sold various products in person and online
Software: Quicken Basic and Microsoft Money

Tutor, Elementary school, Grades 5-6                                                                                            2007 -2008
Marion County School District No. 2                                                                                               2000-2001
P.O. Box 689
Mullins, SC 29574
Worked as a Substitute Teacher.
                 ·         Taught students in grades 1-12.  
                 ·         Assisted Special Education Instructor in helping students.
Francis Marion University                                                                                                            
5130 East Palmetto Street
Florence, SC 29506 
Test Proctor in the Math Department, 4th Floor.                                                                        2000
                  ·         Supervised test takers
                  ·         Assisted tutors and instructors in day-to-day activities
Physics Tutor at the Tutoring Center, Francis Marion University                                                                                                                                            1997
                   ·         Tutored physics and mathematics
Student Assistant at the Cauthen Educational Media Center 1996                                                                   
                  ·         Checked out cassette tapes
                  ·         Delivered, picked up, erased, cleaned, and checked out audio visual equipment
                  ·         Assigned entire classes and individual students to work areas to watch videos for Chemistry and other classes
Research, Learning, and Interests: Foreign Languages (Spanish, French, and Portuguese), Politics and Social Issues, Psychiatry, Religion, Charities                                                                               2005-present
Miscellaneous Computer skills: Software download, computer and electronic equipment installation, Computer troubleshooting                                                                                                                               1999-present
Volunteer work: Charities, Elderly, Animals, Tutoring, Maintenance                                    1999-present

Member, Math Club, Francis Marion University                                                                            2002-2003
Member, University Programming Board, Francis Marion University                                        1999
I have led a busy life, but now I am 38 years old and wish to do more things.  I would like to own a business, but what skills do I have?  My skills need to be updated and the job market is not very strong, especially where I am from.  I am grateful that I have skills, but I learned that in order to accomplish your goals, one has to do what is most difficult.  I had a lot of researching to do as well as planning.  I have always wanted to own my own business and I have ventured out into that.  They were both online businesses that I could have done a better job of promoting.  That was the problem.  My lack of job skills is the real reason and so was my lack of planning.
My social life is limited as I have not joined a club in years, but I would also like to be a volunteer.  Maybe the Salvation Army or the Red Cross in my area would be a great place to start.  I don't wish to volunteer to expand my social life or to feel better about myself.  I do this because I wish to help others and glorify God.  Being a caring, compassionate, genuine person is a qualification that all should have not only if they wish to be a volunteer, but character is what is most important.  A person's money will take you far, but I believe one's character will take you farther in life and farther in eternity.  In eternity, you can't take your money with you.







Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Getting out more

Musings: whatever comes to mind.

This is at least my definition of a musing.  I am hopeful that my prayers have been answered.  This is a big world and I plan to conquer it.  That is only a dream, but I would like to be more educated and knowledgeable, own a business, serve the Lord as a missionary, lose weight, develop my social skills, overcome my shyness, and be a friend and have a friend.

Now that you know my hopes and dreams, I have also wanted to travel the world, namely to Hawaii, Japan, Brazil, and Mexico.  I wonder what life is like in those countries.  English is the only language that I speak fluently.  I am willing to learn Spanish, Japanese, or Portuguese.  I need to go out more.  My hopes and dreams only become true with prayer, knowledge, wisdom, and a lot of hard work.  I wonder about the cuisine, the thoughts, just everything.

Traveling the world would give me a sense of peace.  It made no sense what I just said, so allow me to explain.  I have been couped up in my house for years and now it is time to be more independent and move forward with my life.  I would like to do more for myself and stand on my own two feet.  If I have to be more educated, travel the world, move out, etc, then so be it. 

I know I sound selfish.  I do not mean to come across that way.  But life is so short and there is such a big world.  But alas, the world doesn't seem so big when I meet new people online.  But that is not the answer to a limited social life.  Wow.  I truly need to get out more.

Monday, October 22, 2012

What am I grateful for?

What am I grateful for?

Let me see.

I didn't realize that there was so much that I was grateful for.  I felt so trapped this weekend and previous weekends.  I felt that there wasn't so much that I was grateful for.  It was a depressing moment in time.  It was such a lonely experience.  I realized through Jesus Christ that life is just simply too short to be and to feel lonely.  I began praising and thanking the Lord for his many blessings.

I am grateful for so much now.  I am truly grateful.  I have an income that provides for all I need.  I have supportive people who have helped me everywhere I go.  I have people who love me no matter what.  They especially my mother have been there for me through the most difficult periods in my life.

There are so many people in the world who do not have a lot of love in their lives.  It is a sad way to live.  The things I have been through have been a lesson for me.  The point to all of this is that I have much to be happy about.  I need to make changes, sure, but I am content overall.  I am happy on the inside for the first time in a long time.

I am taken care of and I am taking care of others.  I am prayerful, caring, kind, and fair, or so I have been told.  I have often been described as a nice person, but sometimes I may come across as too nice.  There are changes I need to make, but it is all worth it. 


How do I introduce myself?  I have no idea how to blog as I am not a big fan of blogging.  Ironically, I have been using tumblr for over a year now.  I am someone who is looking to do a lot of things, go to a lot of places, and meet a lot of new people.  Just this year, I have decided not to just rest on whatever laurels I have and be thankful.  This year I have to say has been a good year.

I would like to get married and have kids one day.  There isn't anything wrong with me but I never had the time.  I have spent most of my adult life as a college student who has worn several hats over the years.  I have worked at a fast food restaurant and two universities.  I had performed several jobs and have acquired many skills. 

The problem is, I haven't met many new people and I haven't made many new friends.  I am now 38 years old and I am still on a journey.  I feel like life has been passing me by.  It is a boring, monotonous life that depressed me early this weekend.  I have learned to be grateful for what I have an who I am.  It is quite cheesy I know.

I have even written what I am most grateful for.  Maybe I should write affirmations about myself.  I am not always grateful, but I have become more grateful.  I need to assert myself more.  I have come to realize that I can change.  I have changed almost overnight.  I would like to do more things.  I would like to change the world by volunteering, leading others to Christ, going on more websites, meeting new people online and offline, and being more intune spiriturally.

I first became a born again Christian when I was a teenager.  I became a born again Christian and I have a relationship with the Lord that has changed me.  I was a teenager who had suicidal thoughts, and now God has delivered me from suicide.  I would like to help out others, but I am none too sure how to go about doing so.  Maybe I could be a mentor or tutor students again.  Who knows?  There is so much I need to do, and so much that I can do.  I thank God for all He has done for me and I am thankful that He is continuing to bless me.  I believe that looking back, little miracles happen everyday.