Then something happened. I began to lose weight and feel healthier. I began to feel less self-conscious about my appearance because I was indeed getting smaller. I could fit into old clothes yet I had to go through websites to affirm my self-worth. I went to plus size friendly websites to affirm my self-worth and appearance. Then something happened. Overtime, after I was starting to lose weight I began to “gradually” gain weight. Now weight gain coupled with anxiety and difficulty taking care of myself left me even more self-conscious and with lower self-esteem.
I began to diet and eat 1500 calories. I lost over 28 lbs. and it felt good. I realize how large I was and how much help I needed when 277 lbs. was considered small for me, especially at this time. I wanted to weigh 200 lbs., but right now, I want to weigh 160 lbs., which is a much healthier weight for me. My body fat percentage will be at least healthy. Needless to say, I gained the 28 lbs. back plus extra.
I now weigh 311 lbs. at my highest by this point. I had to do something about it. I was overwhelmed and it was urgent that I lost weight. I didn’t want to stay over 300 lbs. So I turned things over to the Lord and because of how much I wanted to lose weight I started to first formulate my own plan. Needless to say, the plan was working. I was actually losing weight. As of today I weigh 282 lbs. but I still want to weigh 160 lbs. I have my fears about that. How am I going to deal with them? How am I going to solve them? I finally realize how to deal with my fears. I had to be realistic and not afraid to be realistic. I have an issue with self-sabotage. I cannot afford to reward myself so much that I will be off-track with my diet.
Then I realize this is about a whole lifestyle change. I think it is about a lifestyle change. I had to be honest as well as realistic. I am afraid that I will not eat in moderation. I am afraid that I will not exercise and take action. I realize that I needed to be proactive. I needed to take charge. I didn’t want to feel alone. Losing weight became less urgent because I became more patient. Patience has become more of a virtue because of my weight loss. I no longer took the most mundane things for granted. But I had to find strengths and weaknesses so far and work on those weaknesses. I am afraid that I will “go off” this diet and not realize that I have a condition that puts me at even a greater risk for heart disease and even strokes.
I am a young woman and I don’t want to have diabetes complications. I don’t want to have a stroke. I don’t want to have a heart attack. I in fact don’t want to be self-conscious anymore. I have all of these goals and all of this information and it was overwhelming. I fear not exercising and feel guilty. I fear feeling guilty and being so honest and realistic like this. However, this has been a blessing in disguise. I have learned to confront my fears, in which the greatest is self-sabotage. This may be something that I have to learn to deal with. Yet ironically, I am still following a plan and writing this journal. I feel so much better now that I can deal with the fears and cares of this life. I even formulated a more realistic plan to help me deal with eating a limited amount of calories a day. I struggled with eating a small amount of calories per day but diet and exercise have been of great help. I fear that I won’t lose the weight and keep it off. I also fear that my doubts will take over and that I won’t follow the plan to lose weight. I just have so many fears on my plate because this is such an undertaking, but I know that the journey will be well-worth it.