PCOS and fears, part 1

I have PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  It affects my hormones which in turn have an effect on my weight, skin, hair, and menstrual cycle.  This in turn affects my overall health and well –being.  Here is my story.  When I was in my teens I was teased about my weight and my facial hair.  I wasn’t self-conscious about my appearance yet I was hurt by the comments.  I was never a thin person but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings. 

As an adult I realize that I may have PCOS and I did research on the syndrome.  It wasn’t a disease, but it has been linked with many health issues such as irregular menstrual cycles, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and of course, diabetes, which I have all of them.  I have to realize that I have this problem and that it can be “fixed” sort of speak.  I have to diet and exercise.  I have to take care of myself.  I have become lazy over the years.

I was in denial about my weight and I was also in denial about my health.  I remember when I first received the “diabetes kit” (meter and lancet), I could no longer deny what was going on.  I have diabetes.  I was embarrassed as to what others think about my diabetes.  I was getting warnings about it for years because I have a family history of the disease and I am overweight.  I have been struggling with my weight much of my life.

I was a healthy weight for a while only to gain it back and then some.  I felt comfortable about my weight even for a while despite the fact that I became self-conscious later in life.  I could still wear nice clothes and it wasn’t a struggle.  However, when I tried them on and saw my body, I became self -conscious.  My stomach “ruined” my body.  I wondered how I could allow myself to look this way.  I felt guilty about my weight because I have gained so much over the years.  I went from 165-246 pounds, though it has been up and down.  I would lose the weight to keep it off and I had difficulty dieting and exercising.

Then something happened.  I began to lose weight and feel healthier.  I began to feel less self-conscious about my appearance because I was indeed getting smaller.  I could fit into old clothes yet I had to go through websites to affirm my self-worth.  I went to plus size friendly websites to affirm my self-worth and appearance.  Then something happened.  Overtime, after I was starting to lose weight I began to “gradually” gain weight.  Now weight gain coupled with anxiety and difficulty taking care of myself left me even more self-conscious and with lower self-esteem.

I began to diet and eat 1500 calories.  I lost over 28 lbs. and it felt good.  I realize how large I was and how much help I needed when 277 lbs. was considered small for me, especially at this time.  I wanted to weigh 200 lbs., but right now, I want to weigh 160 lbs., which is a much healthier weight for me.  My body fat percentage will be at least healthy.  Needless to say, I gained the 28 lbs. back plus extra.