Thursday, February 28, 2013

PCOS and fears, part 2


Then something happened.  I began to lose weight and feel healthier.  I began to feel less self-conscious about my appearance because I was indeed getting smaller.  I could fit into old clothes yet I had to go through websites to affirm my self-worth.  I went to plus size friendly websites to affirm my self-worth and appearance.  Then something happened.  Overtime, after I was starting to lose weight I began to “gradually” gain weight.  Now weight gain coupled with anxiety and difficulty taking care of myself left me even more self-conscious and with lower self-esteem.

I began to diet and eat 1500 calories.  I lost over 28 lbs. and it felt good.  I realize how large I was and how much help I needed when 277 lbs. was considered small for me, especially at this time.  I wanted to weigh 200 lbs., but right now, I want to weigh 160 lbs., which is a much healthier weight for me.  My body fat percentage will be at least healthy.  Needless to say, I gained the 28 lbs. back plus extra.

I now weigh 311 lbs. at my highest by this point.  I had to do something about it.  I was overwhelmed and it was urgent that I lost weight.  I didn’t want to stay over 300 lbs.  So I turned things over to the Lord and because of how much I wanted to lose weight I started to first formulate my own plan.  Needless to say, the plan was working.  I was actually losing weight.  As of today I weigh 282 lbs. but I still want to weigh 160 lbs.  I have my fears about that.  How am I going to deal with them?  How am I going to solve them?  I finally realize how to deal with my fears.  I had to be realistic and not afraid to be realistic.  I have an issue with self-sabotage.  I cannot afford to reward myself so much that I will be off-track with my diet.

Then I realize this is about a whole lifestyle change.  I think it is about a lifestyle change.  I had to be honest as well as realistic.  I am afraid that I will not eat in moderation.  I am afraid that I will not exercise and take action.  I realize that I needed to be proactive.  I needed to take charge.  I didn’t want to feel alone.  Losing weight became less urgent because I became more patient.  Patience has become more of a virtue because of my weight loss.  I no longer took the most mundane things for granted.  But I had to find strengths and weaknesses so far and work on those weaknesses.  I am afraid that I will “go off” this diet and not realize that I have a condition that puts me at even a greater risk for heart disease and even strokes.

I am a young woman and I don’t want to have diabetes complications.  I don’t want to have a stroke.  I don’t want to have a heart attack.  I in fact don’t want to be self-conscious anymore.  I have all of these goals and all of this information and it was overwhelming.  I fear not exercising and feel guilty.  I fear feeling guilty and being so honest and realistic like this.  However, this has been a blessing in disguise.  I have learned to confront my fears, in which the greatest is self-sabotage.  This may be something that I have to learn to deal with.  Yet ironically, I am still following a plan and writing this journal.  I feel so much better now that I can deal with the fears and cares of this life.  I even formulated a more realistic plan to help me deal with eating a limited amount of calories a day.  I struggled with eating a small amount of calories per day but diet and exercise have been of great help.  I fear that I won’t lose the weight and keep it off.  I also fear that my doubts will take over and that I won’t follow the plan to lose weight.  I just have so many fears on my plate because this is such an undertaking, but I know that the journey will be well-worth it.

 

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