Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I'm turning 40 today

Now that I turned 40 today, I cannot believe that I feel so energized.  I never thought I would turn 40 today.  I am not sure if I am still young or I will have a midlife crisis soon.  Whatever the case may be, I am glad I am at an age where it feels like I am younger but I am all grown up.  I am not a child anymore but I am not an old woman.  I feel younger today and more centered today than I did than I was even a child.  Being 40 is a real wake up call for me.  Because I am now energized, I feel that a weight has finally been lifted off of me.  Maybe I am still young after all.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Checking is not a good thing

For a long time, I have either been asking for reassurance or have been doing research.  I go on the internet and check up and tried to find information to make me feel better.  It is time consuming and addictive, and not in a good way.  It is as if I need a fix in order to quell my anxiety.  It doesn't work in the long run.  It is because I never liked uncertainty.  Maybe I should learn to like uncertainty and to overcome this seeming addiction to try to find all of the answers.  It has gotten frustrating to the point where I throw my hands up in the air.  I have been discouraged as of late but I feel better now.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

How am I feeling? So much better.

I feel so much better.  Abilify is a wonder drug, especially now.  I don't ask for reassurance like I once have.  I am much calmer than I have been before.  I feel great so far.  I wake up reassured.  Yet, I need to be more spiritually confident.  I am sorry for the pain I caused God and myself.  I have been anxious and manic for the past few weeks and I feel like that sometimes I have failed myself.  Abilify has been a God send.  I would recommend it to anyone who would listen.  I am truly happy now and much more settled.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Fears about anxiety

I am afraid that I will never overcome my anxiety with movie or other fictional characters.  Why is this?  I am also scared that I will never see a fictional character as just that: a fictional character. They are the creations of real-life people.  That in itself has me worried.  I have spent a long time with trying to find the spoilers for a movie in particular.  One of the characters is adulterous and that bothers me.  I wonder why I have thoughts about infidelity committed by wives in particular.  It is rough having anxiety even with medication and therapy.  I feel out of control sometimes and even that scares me.  I feel like I don't know what to do. This is a time when I feel so alone.  I don't have any relation to a fictional character but I tend to avoid many movies and tv shows because I am afraid of the triggering of a new thought.  I am afraid of seeing an adulterous character in a movie or on television.  That is something that I have had for years now and I want things to change but I don't know where to begin.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Obsessed over a fictional character which is bothersome

I am afraid of even naming the movie, but the characters and the images in the film bother me.  I want to sympathize with the characters, but I can't.  I have not read the book or watched the film.  I am not sure if I want to.  I cannot say this because I am a Christian.  It is because of the fear of exposing myself to something that is bothersome.  However, what is most bothersome is that I will obsess over a fictional character for the rest of my days.  What will happen if I ever overcome these thoughts?  What if I am never healed?  Those things scare me.  I have had these thoughts about infidelity for many years now and now I cannot imagine my life without these thoughts.  I don't have a bothersome OCD Persona to contend with.  It is all about me, so that is something I have to accept. However, I have to accept that I have not embraced this condition and I never will.  This is even scarier.  I have to stand up to these thoughts and confront my fears.  But the worst part is that they will return which is quite annoying.  I need all the help I can get.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

At my age...

I feel like at my age, I should be growing up.  The problem is, I have suffered from being stuck.  I am not sure if I have grown as a person.  I am almost 40 and I feel like I am stuck on 30, or younger.  I have had psychological problems for as long as I could remember.  It hasn't always been easier with finding distractions to having guilt about my problems.  Life just seems even shorter because I have these issues.  The world also seems smaller as well due to avoidance.  I have been living in a "fantasy" world for years only for the obsessive thoughts to act up.  In other words, I have been spending my time obsessing over fictional characters.  Fictional characters are someone else's creation.  It is illogical and makes no sense.  But I wonder when has an obsessive thought ever made sense?  It is crazy since I have spent a countless amount of time wondering if there will be a divorce or a reconciliation.  Was there even love in the marriage?  Why did she cheat?  I don't want to know but I feel like I have to just for the sake of having a peace of mind.  Now that that is over, then what? What else am I obsessed with?  Who will I be obsessed with?  Why at my age can I just fall in love and deal with a real person instead of wondering?  I wonder what is wrong with me.  I often wonder what has happened to me and to my life in general.  How is it that I feel this way about anything?  I just wish that my mind didn't contain a blueprint of even the most minute details of life.  What is important becomes less of a focus in my daily life.  What has become of greater importance has nothing to do with me personally.  I just want to know but not in a way that is comfortable.  I don't want to be "curious" like this.  I just want to read something now and not think about it later.  I wish I could have a day without obsessive thoughts and disturbing images.  Now that is what I would call a miracle.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Being "who I am" I guess

I will be okay.  Today I feel like I am so lazy spiritually and otherwise.  Maybe I am too hard on myself.  I guess it is either because I am self-conscious deep down or maybe because I think I am being honest.  I just realize that being self-conscious is a difficult way to live.  Ever since I gained weight a few years ago, I have found myself self-conscious of my appearance.  In fact, I have come to realize that at times I really don't give myself enough credit.  Sometimes I wonder too much. Sometimes I don't wonder enough.  Maybe I don't have as low a self-esteem as I think.  Maybe however I do.  I often take the time to look back at my reflection daily and I don't often like what I see.  It isn't like I don't care about myself, but from my appearance, I do wonder if I have stopped. I don't have a problem with me personally but there are things I wish I could change.  There are body parts that I would like to "alter", for a lack of better terms.  I should be thankful but I don't often find that I am not.  I see myself often in a negative light.  It is time I look at the positives.  Yet, who am I really?  I have a sense of identity but I wonder a lot a things about who I am and what I am supposed to be.  Who am I really?  Why am I here?  What is my purpose?  Those are the questions that I would like answered.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Nostalgia and turning 40

There is nothing in the world like nostalgia.  I love listening to older music that brings me back.  I realize that because of nostalgia, I listen to many kinds of music.  My tastes have grown as I have aged.  I wonder if that is a recurring theme for anyone over 35.  I will be 40 next week and I wonder how I would handle being 40.  All I know is that by 40, it is time for me to grow up.  There is nothing worse than being stuck and not learn or grow by age 40.  I would like to change a few things about me but there are times when I wouldn't change a thing.  I have also realized that though there were rough moments these 40 years, I have had great moments as well.  I am so blessed to make it and live as long as I have and for that, I am thankful.  I will keep that in mind.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Nostalgic about the 80s 3 --Final one.

 "I Love Rock n' Roll" by Joan Jett

 "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor

 "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler

 "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin

 "Invincible" by Pat Benetar

"Atomic Dog" by George Clinton

"She's a Bad Mama Jama" by Carl Carlton

"Rock Steady" by the Whispers

 "Cool It Now" by New Edition

"Time Will Reveal" by Debarge

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Nostalgic about the 80s today 2

"She Blinded Me With Science" by Thomas Dolby

 "Take on Me" by A-ha

 "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

 "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Nostalgic about the 80s today

 "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna

"Hazy Shade of Winter" by The Bangles

 "24/7" by Dino

 "Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan

Friday, September 19, 2014

Having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I feel horrible about myself today.  Having obsessive compulsive disorder is a nightmare at times.  I thought I was going to get better today.  I was in denial of a lot of things and I wonder if there is some behaviors that I am denial of.  I need help.  Obsessive compulsive disorder used to make me feel guilty because there are worse things going on in the world.  The burden is or can at least be great.  I am in such need of healing for there are times when I feel lonely because there are very few people that I talk to about this.  I do talk to a therapist true, but I don't have many people that I have talked to about this.  I guess I need to find a network of people who can and will truly relate and understand.  I realize that I can't do all things alone.  Going at it alone is not good for having OCD.  I would love to be healed and set free of this but what do I say and where do I begin?  I look forward to the day when I don't have to worry about these thoughts and the avoidance and fear that comes with it.  I didn't unleash, but finally telling the truth.  It is not about the persona or anyone or anything else. It is about me and how do I take care of me.  That is something I wish to find out.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I was in denial

Being in denial was something that I have been good at over the years. I guess I was in denial about being a diabetic.  Now I realize that I have been in denial about my obsessive thoughts lately.  It has been hard and it has been depressing.  I realize that I do not have a great handle of obsessive thoughts.  I realized that this morning.  Having these thoughts haven't been easy.  In fact, they have been anything but easy to deal with.  Having these thoughts was the worst thing, and now having them come back is what I have to deal with.  I am doing better now that I have seen the truth for myself, which was hard to come by.  I began to grow tried of the words, the thoughts, and the avoidance.  It has gotten way too much for me to handle and I hope that this day I will learn to accept and appreciate the fact that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I will be 40 later this month.

For the past two days, I have not been writing but put up nostalgic videos on this blog.  I just love to listen to music that I once listened to when I was younger.  Now that I am almost 40, I find myself amazed at how much things have changed since I was younger.  I look forward to being 40.  I wonder what it will be like to get older and wiser.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

1990s and 2000s Nostalgia Part 2

 "No One But You" by Veronica ft. Craig Mack

 "The Things You Do" by Gina Thompson

 "Any Time, Any Place" by Janet Jackson

 "Makes Me Wonder" Maroon 5

 "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera

Monday, September 15, 2014

I miss the 90s and 2000s in music sometimes....

"Come On" by Billy Lawrence

  "Cold Rock a Party by Missy Elliott and Mc Lyte"

 "Get Up" by Ciara ft. Chamillionaire

 "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls ft. Snoop Dogg

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Correlation about my issues

I am thankful that I was able to confront my fears.  However, was watching television wise?  Is there a link between my other issues and my fears?  Is there also a link between having obsessive compulsive disorder and my other issues?  I wonder that for a while now.  I guess I will have to deal with that.  I feel like it is never going to end.  I don't wish to be a person who takes advantage of God's grace and mercy.  Paul writes, "God forbid".  I want to overcome this issue, whatever it is. Life is too short to not be able to overcome what the problem is and where the problem lies.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Caring what others think and confronting my fears

Today I realize that I forgot to write a reflection from yesterday.  I am in need of help.  I am beginning to understand things.  Things have been made clear for me.  I exposed myself and I feel so much better.  It was illogical and silly but I wonder if there was something that was fearful all along. It probably stems from what other people think.  I don't know sometimes what others think.  I recall I had a friend in college who asked me that very question.  The truth is, not even I know.  That is a story of my life, especially the last few years.  Does it matter that I will never know?  How do I confront my fears?  I am learning and have learned somewhat today.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Stages of Life

newborn         birth to 6 months
infancy             6 months to 18 months
toddler             18 months to 3 years
preschoolers         3 to 7 years old
tweens             8 to 12 years old
teens             13 to 19 years old
young adult         20 to 34 years old
early midlife         35 to 44 years old
midlife             45 to 55 years old
late midlife         56 to 64 years old
senior             65 to 79 years old
elderly             80 years and above

I wonder if I am really middle aged.  I will be 40 soon and that has me to thinking.  Am I young?  Am I middle aged?  Is half of my life really over?  Was it over at 30 or 35?  I am not sure how long I will live but I hope to make the best out of life.  I often reflect on a lot of things but rarely do I reflect on my age.  At 39, I have no kids and I wish to be more independent.  However, I would like to take the time to be grateful.  I graduated from college, I went to graduate school, and I have a great support system.  I am a sufferer of health problems due to age but I feel old even though my numbers say different.  Maybe I feel too old for my own good.  That is why I have created the above stages of life diagram.  It may not be exact, but at least I have many factors that play into this list other than concerns and anxieties about my years on this planet.  There are medical factors, life factors, and other factors that are common with every group more so than others.  For instance, 35-44 is a young adult, but the children are either home or away on college, the biological clock ticks, and one is still in the prime of life.  Does life really begin at 40?  I do wonder.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Down yet hopeful

I am feeling so much better yet I cannot pinpoint what else is really wrong with me.  Okay, I can but it is about a number of things.  Yes, I got hurt and I was vulnerable.  There is a lot wrong here.  I wish I could verbalize it.  There is nothing more headache-inducing than feeling powerless to do anything about a situation.  It is quite depressing.  But I am hopeful as I will okay, I guess.

Monday, September 8, 2014

I wonder though

I no longer have the doubts about being saved but I still wonder however.  I have no idea when I first became truly saved.  My guess is that I was first saved 20 years ago.  I followed and requested information from false prophets and teachers.  I wonder if that has something also to do with what I did earlier.  If I were truly saved then why this issue.  I was ruled by fear and I still am.  I have grown tired of getting my feelings hurt.  I have low self-esteem and I am self-conscious.  There are times when I feel like I was unworthy of God's love.  Maybe because of some things I didn't realize was wrong I fail to read the cues from other people.  Sometimes I feel lonely in this world.  I am tired of feeling like I am alone and walking on eggshells.  I don't know what to do and it is frustrating.  But no one has ever said that life is fair.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Jesus loves me and I have some doubts

I believe that the Lord Jesus loves me.  I called His name.  I believe that He rose Jesus Christ from the dead.  Jesus died for my sins.  There is no other name that can cleanse us from our sins.  Jesus did that for me, and I am grateful.  I had doubts that Jesus saved me, much less loved me.  He will forgive all manner of sins.  Because I did a bad thing, I had issues.  I felt horrible about what I did and I am sorry for what I have done.  I believe that my sin caused a lot of doubt because of my doubt. I needed God's help and to God, I am so sorry.  I needed to repent of my sins but I wonder if that is what I did.  I need God's help seeing sin as detestable.  I need help with those struggles that I have been going through.

No matter what I am going through.  I ask for the move of the Holy Spirit on my behalf.  I need wisdom in that I need Him to cleanse me from my unrighteousness.  All I had to  do is to call His name, for Jesus is Lord, and believe that the Father rose Him from the dead.  I wondered if I repented for the right reasons.  I wondered if I repented out of fear or out of love for God, which includes living for and serving God.  I wonder if I got saved for the wrong reasons and not because I love the Lord.  I want to love the Lord and be thankful what He has done for me.  I still wonder that.  I don't want to go by what others say or what they believe.  I feel like I have.  I do go by what others say or believe.  All I have to do is to read and study God's Word.  I need to feed myself with the Word and exercise my mind.  I realize that it is good for my brain which has done me well.  I have bipolar as well and I feel like sometimes I wonder if that is why I often feel so alone.

Friday, September 5, 2014

I am concerned that I am not saved

I don't think that I am truly saved. How do I become saved? I don't know what to do. I am posting here because I am not sure if I am saved or am I lost. It is quite scary and I am not sure I have enough faith to be saved. I also have obsessive thoughts and doubts about praying. What does it mean to call on Jesus and to be saved by faith in Jesus? I would like to be saved and live a holy life for the Lord. I wonder if the OCD has something to do with the thoughts? I am concerned that after all of these years, I am truly lost though I long for his salvation, but what if I am not raptured? I am worried. I pray to Jesus and call on His name as Lord, but I still have doubts. I have had these problems for years. I am a spiritual person but I am doubtful of being saved. How can I pray, read the Bible, and act as if I am born again if I don't know if I am saved? Help me to understand. How much of it is a spiritual issue and how much is it and OCD issue? My counselor has been very helpful in a lot of things but I need your advice.  Help me, Lord.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Pray for me and all others

I prayed for forgiveness.  I believe that the Lord has healed me.  However, there is an issue with wondering who is a true prophet of God and who is not.  I recall that I have followed false prophets and I am guilty of that.  False prophets do not care about the flock.  It is a shame and they are in need of repentance.  The end for these false prophets and their followers will not be good.  God will not know them when judgement happens and they will have a sad end.  I will pray for forgiveness and to separate myself from negative influences and ungodly activity.  I will live a holy, righteous life because that is what God requires of all of us who claim Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.  We are holy, for God is holy.  And that too is a requirement.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


I have done wrong today.  Right now, I feel like going crazy.  It has been that bad.  I feel like I am not worthy.  I am not perfect anyways.  I wish I could take back what I did.  I feel horrible.  I asked God for forgiveness but I feel depressed.  I know that something is wrong with me and I brought it on myself.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

I did wrong

I feel so bad today.  I did something I should not have done.  I am reflecting and I am anxious still. Even though the event is over, I still feel like I haven't gotten away with it.  I am supposed to be a Christian, a believer in Christ.  Something is wrong with me and I brought it on myself.  I am guilty as charged.  Now how do make things right?

Monday, September 1, 2014

Ask, seek, and knock

I believe in a prayer for a desperate situation.  Right now I have been tired and depressed.  I was in a manic state this weekend.  The bipolar seems to kick in making my situation worse.  I am in a situation where I can't seem to get out of.  I feel that way because I am scared.  I am afraid and I have a hard time overcoming this.  I will keep on praying for the Bible says ask, seek, and knock.  I will not give up.