Monday, March 31, 2014

High School Dance by The Sylvers

I wonder what it is like going to an actual high school dance.  I never went to the prom, which in those days was a disappointment.  I did go to parties and such at college to more than make up for it.  I just wanted to be a normal kid like everyone else.  I remember that I actually was though I wished often what high school would have been like if I were part of the in-crowd or the one voted "Most Likely To Succeed".  This song, even though it debuted in the 1970s, reminds me of what could have been.  I love this song and that is what it is important.  My life didn't turn out so bad.  It could have been worse, however.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Sly Stallone crush

I have a crush on Sly Stallone.  I fact, I have been watching a few of his movies as of late.  I feel like I am in euphoria every time I see him.  It isn't like my Mickey Rourke crush since I am embracing it.  It will go away soon.  Sly Stallone is not that bad of an actor.  Mickey is the better actor, but Sly is decent.  Anyways, I have nothing more on my mind than...well, being a fan.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Becoming a mother

I was thinking about this today.  Maybe, but I was watching this show about Jewish mothers who adopted or became single mothers the nontraditional way.  It was quite an inspiration.  I think God was trying to tell me something.  It was liberating for me.  I often think in terms of "weighty" issues and of living in a fantasy world.  I do need to lose weight, but that is not the issue I am thinking about.  I want to become a mother.  I have thought about what it would be like to become a wife and mother.  I do wonder if I am ready however.  I am 39 years old and I wondered if life has passed me and why I did not have thoughts about being a mom.  What kind of mom would I be?  I don't know much about motherhood aside from the fact that I would have to sacrifice everything for a child and that I had role models, namely my own mother.  I wonder if God was telling me something all along.  I wonder if he were saying to stop thinking of myself and think of the bigger picture.  Though I prefer the traditional family with an extended and nuclear family complete with the husband and kids and three generations living in the same roof to help me raise a child,  I don't begrudge anyone who is raising a child alone or adopting a child.  There are so many children all over the world waiting for someone to take care of them.  I would love to raise a child as my own and to love, protect, nourish, and provide as well as sacrifice for them. Motherhood is a beautiful thing.

Friday, March 28, 2014

RIP Sage Stallone

I was watching Rocky V recently.  Sage was a good actor.  He was a very attractive man and it is so sad that he has died so young.  I am 39 and he was only 36.  He will never experience middle age or even being a parent or grandparent.  Okay, I don't know if he had kids, but I wonder.  All I could say is what could have been.  I know that last sentence seemed crass, but it is so sad when someone dies so young.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

How I feel about losing weight

I am reminded of the benefits of weight loss and exercise.  I wonder if weight loss is a rocket science.  Why is it so hard for me to lose weight?  Weight loss is supposed to be hard, not easy.  I feel like giving up, but I will stay.  I am reminded of all of the times when I have lost weight.  I feel like I have been hit with reality.  I don't want to weigh what I weigh right now.  I have gained a few pounds since last week and all of the times that...I don't know.  Despite exercising this morning, I just want to give up, but like I said, I won't.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The End

I believe that all one day will be well.  This weekend I was listening to this guy on the radio about the last days, if we are living in them.  The signs are all around us and I believe that we as believers need to watch for the Lord's return.  I do wonder if prophecy is different for the Jews and Gentiles.  Matthew 24 writes of prophecy for the Jews especially.  However, much of what was said in that chapter as well as 25 could also be written for the Gentiles.  I have had an interest in Bible Prophecy and the End Times for many years.  The most certain answer that I have is that today will be closer to the end than yesterday was.  Tomorrow will be closer to the end than today was too.  I personally look forward to the end as all believers do, for our future will be bright.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Temporary and the Eternal

So I had a thought this morning that was quite comforting.  In 2 Colossians 4:18, I realize that we live in a world where things are temporary, but what happens in eternity is reality and forever.  Eternity never ends, but this world and time will.  I believe that no matter what is going on in the world, life will go on with or without us, so make the best of what we should do.  How we live in this temporary world will have an impact on our eternal destinies.  That was a comforting yet sobering thought.  Time is not something anyone should waste, so it is to be used wisely.  Believers are to do the Lord's work and will be found doing so before heaven and earth will pass away.  Life as we know it will eventually end.

 I believe that Jesus will come quickly and judging from what is going on...pretty soon.  Now soon could be any time.  Soon could be in a few minutes to another 1000 years, but in God's time, 1000 years is like a day.  I believe that we are and should be living on God's time table and not lose heart if He doesn't come back right now.  Let us not be like scoffers to believe that he won't come back and certainly not soon.  Let us also not be like the wicked servant who doesn't live righteously and believes that the Lord is not coming fast enough.  To them, they mistreat others and live as they choose, but not for the Lord.  I believe that the wicked servants are false servants who will not be ready for His return.  I don't always write about this, but I have at one time had thoughts about going to Hell, and still do.  But we are saved by faith and we must live by faith.

I do believe that believers will be rewarded for their faith and their faithfulness.  We all are created by a Higher Power.  We will have to give an account of our lives to said Higher Power.  As I write this, it is all so sobering.  It is a reminder to me to not make any excuses, to be lazy, and to be productive not necessarily for myself, but for the Kingdom.  I believe that God wants us to be anything but neglectful of neither ourselves and Him.  I would like to lose weight and lose weight according to what He wants for instance.  There are also so many questions that I would like to ask the Lord concerning eternity.  Hopefully and I mean this, that in a world where all things are temporary, I will be ready for the eternal.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Doing something around the house, among other things

I am just bored.  I have realized that there are things that I rather do, like painting the house and planting a garden.  Sadly, I have no clue how to do either of those.  However, I can learn.  I guess it requires doing research.  I guess.  The truth is, I am not so sure if I could do this on my own, but maybe I can.  Sometimes I don't know my own strength.  Maybe I should do this as soon as possible.

I sometimes hate work, but work is a necessary evil.  There is nothing worse than procrastination.  I wish I knew how to paint a house and plant a garden.  I could really accomplish something around here.  I spend so much time procrastinating that I didn't take the time to plant a garden, read a book, pray, exercise, learn how to paint a house, and not to mention cook, clean, and listen to music.  Having said that, I feel like I have wasted so much.  I have so little time to do so much it seems.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Reality shows....REALly?

I love this song by Mary Mary.  I have yet to watch their reality show this season.  The problem I have with reality shows is that most, if not all of them, are anything but real.  They are staged and there are just so many of them.  Reality tv just irks me for the most part.  I have watched Mary Mary and The Braxtons, but even those are getting boring.  I don't like to watch many things on television anymore.  Right now I have a headache and I am just writing what is on my mind.  Right now, it is about television.  I just don't like to watch many shows on tv as I just cannot get into watching them.  For instance, many years ago, I would love to watch "How I Met Your Mother", "Big Bang Theory", and "Glee", but I cannot get into these shows no matter how good they may be.  I am not sure if it is just the OCD or if I am being weaned off of it.  I would spend a lot of time with the tv on with me actually watching the shows.  Nowadays I just leave the tv on while I am using the computer.  I still watch family movies and most daytime tv shows and the news, but as it seems that is about it.  I don't know if I should feel bad because I feel like I am missing out or because I have allowed the OCD to cause me to miss out.  I wish that I didn't have this OCD to worry about or at least be concerned with.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Homemade meatloaf

Homemade Meatloaf

1 lb. lean ground beef
1/2 large onion
1 Tbsp. paprika
2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 cup ketchup
1 egg, beaten
1/3 cup plain oatmeal

In a large bowl, mix all of the ingredients except for the onion and ketchup.  Make sure it is mixed thoroughly.  Then in a greased pan, make a loaf out of the meat mixture.  Then pour, and cover, the ketchup over the meatloaf.  Next, slice the onion and surround the meatloaf with it.  Then bake in a preheated 375 degree oven for about an hour.  Once ready, let rest for 5 minutes.  Finally, serve.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Homemade chicken noodle soup

Yesterday I have written, well...nothing.  All I did was make and consume loads of homemade chicken noodle soup.  Here is the recipe below:

1 lb cooked chicken breasts
4 stalks celery
2 cans mixed vegetables
1/2 pack whole grain egg noodles, cooked
2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. pepper
1 Tbsp. Italian seasoning
2 Tbsp. garlic powder
1 1/2 Tbsp. paprika
1/2 cup softened butter or margarine

In a large preheated pot, mix the chicken breasts and celery, which was cooked in butter until chicken is white, vegetables, cooked noodles, and spices.  Mix thoroughly and add 4 cups of water.  Add more water if desired.  Let soup simmer on low for 40 minutes or until water boils down.  Once boils down, let sit for 10 minutes.  After the 10 minutes, serve and season to taste.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

What I have taken from the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

I finally realize that there are things that I have to accept, like the OCD.  I cannot change other people or their reactions, lifestyles, or beliefs.  Jesus Christ died for them as well as for me.  It is a mistake to allow oneself to carry the burden of the rest of the world.  That is how I feel about the specified issues that I face. 

 The only thing I can do is to live my own life not just for me, but for the Lord.  My priorities have been wrong all along.  Why it took me so long to come to this point, I will never know.  I realize that it does not even matter.  All I know is that I cannot profess Christianity and not set realistic priorities.  God should have been the number one priority in my life.  

I do want to live for and serve Jesus Christ, but I cannot do that if I keep worrying and not reading his word and seeking his face.  I have had fears and doubts that I need to deal with one at a time.  I have made mistakes along the way, but now is no longer the time to focus on the past but to fear God, live for the moment, and being wise enough to not just make it through the day.  I have yet to set any goals and I have been procrastinating because I have allowed internal struggles take over.  Yep the problem is not the world, but it is with me.  I have to fight the good fight of faith.

Monday, March 17, 2014

I am finally glad...embracing OCD

I am finally glad that all of the confusion about my crush is over.  I feel like a load has been lifted.  It is with smallest thanks to God that that crush is coming to......well, it is weakening.  I am learning to embrace having OCD.  It is hard sometimes knowing that having these thoughts will always be a part of my life no matter what.  I guess why.  Why did it take so long to embrace having obsessive thoughts?  It no longer matters why I have so much insight into a disorder.  Nor does it matter why it took place in the first place.  It only matters that I have it and that now I can embrace it.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Embracing my crush on Mickey Rourke

I have come to realize that there are things that I just need to embrace.  I wanted the crush on Mickey Rourke to end.  Now I don't really want it to end.  I admit that I was not having an obsession, but it was actually quite innocent.  I didn't go all stalker on him or anything like that.  I was concerned that I would never be a fan of his because I thought I was obsessed with him.  I am embracing my crushes, obsessions, and compulsions.  The fact that I will never truly know him or meet him doesn't bother me.  The fact that he doesn't have conventional good looks doesn't bother me either.  In fact, having an adult crush isn't so bad after all.  I wasn't sure if I would have a good handle on it because of my past, but it is just that: the past.  I am not worried about someone laughing at me or thinking that I am crazy about having a crush on a middle-aged white man who doesn't even know that I am alive.  All of that is okay.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Doing things differently...

I am reminded of all of the times when I could have done things differently.  I wish and wish often.  Maybe that is the problem with me.  Maybe I am just too stuck in the past.  It is like I am an older person who is set in her ways who is stuck in past glory.  I realize that now all of the wishing and hoping will not change who I am or what I set my mind to do.  I failed often not because I plan to fail, but because I fail to follow a plan.  That is why moving forward is so important.  I cannot wish that I was 100 lbs lighter and it will not be an overnight thing.  My weight has been a thorn on my side for too long.  I have struggled with it for a long time.  I would like to lose weight does wonders to open up to excuses.  Where do I go from there however?

Friday, March 14, 2014

Open to suggestions

I am open to any and all suggestions.  Maybe that is the problem.  There are just too many suggestions.  I want to follow all of them but I have been advised to keep it simple.  To me, opening myself to any and all suggestions suggest being open to my support system.  I have a lot of information at my disposal.  Why am I not using that information?  I have, yet things don't just come easy for me.  I do wonder what the payoff is for not changing.  Do I really want to change things?  I realize and know that I have to change things but I am not sure how.  I also know that I have to apply what I have learned to my life so that I can overcome the obsessions with celebrities, face the fear, and lose the weight.  That should not be hard? Or is it?

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Support and affirmations

I am thankful for all of the support that I have and have been receiving over the years.  I am a person who was and still is, in need of help.  I am thankful that I am getting the help that I need.  Because of the support team, including God, I am doing so much better.  Words cannot describe how thankful I am to have the support that I have.

Lately, I have been affirming myself over the internet.  I  have card and slips to read and apply to my life.  I feel so much better and affirmations have brought me to a reality that I rarely knew existed.  I have low self-esteem and I didn't realize how much low self-esteem that I have.  I am reminded everyday that the affirmations are supposed to be a word or rather words of support for me.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


I am thankful for the support and love that I have received from my support team.  These past few days I have been writing about what I need to change and how to overcome or deal with these compulsions that I have.  I seemed to have "suffered" from these compulsions practically all of my life.  Fulfilling whatever objectives that I have in dealing with these compulsions would require a total change of mindset.  It would also require a total understanding that maybe, and just hopefully, I am stronger than I believe or think.  My main objectives are to lose weight and be more comfortable in my own skin, put God first instead of my obsessions, and to overcome all negative and bothersome thoughts that I have.

 As those who have read may know, I am here to right that I seemed to have lived the same day over and over again.  Maybe that is not always the case.  Hopefully that is not the case.  I need to gain all of the support from even myself in this battle that I am facing.  I often keep in mind that others have crosses to bear.  My weight loss objectives are to lose 90-100 lbs, exercise more, and take less medication, and not compare myself to others.  That sounds easy, but it is not.  I have struggled to lose weight and exercise more.  One of the perks to lose weight is not to compare myself to other people.  I have often wondered what is wrong with me and what do I like about me physically.  I have cared so much what others think of me that I seem to have lost all power for myself.

My other objective is not to feel like I am powerless.  I have often felt powerless and out of control.  That is because I have been out of control in my eating, but thankfully not lately.  I hope that never changes.  It becomes easier for me to change.  I have compulsions about various moral and religious issues.  My biggest ones are infidelity and being born-again.  I admit today that I have had doubts about being saved.  It drives me to learn more about my eternal state in terms of determining if I am one of God's.  At the same time, it scares me.  When if I have been deceived all along?  When if my salvation can be taken away from me?  What if I was never saved?  What if I never had the understanding and faith required for a person to be saved?  What if I never really knew what salvation means?  I need to be reassured.  The Bible does say that we have to work out our salvation with fear and with trembling, but does it really mean?

My third objective is to affirm myself and not to rely on the compulsion on others to take over my every thought during the day.  I often wonder why I have these thoughts and will they ever go away.  That is why I find my obsessions and compulsions scary at times.  Whenever I write them down, however, I find my compulsions and obsessions lessen.  That is a good thing, but maybe there is more to affirming myself and not rely on the compulsions on other people to take hold of my life and my psyche.  Maybe I should exercise or go out more.  I certainly need that.  I just feel like being busy is the only thing that helps me to overcome these and to be patient.  Patience unfortunately is NOT one of my virtues...yet.  I am working on it however.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Determining which options fit.

I need to determine what fits.  I realize that I need to make a decision about what is good in my life.  I do have a compulsion problem.  I have not yet figured out what is best for me.  I feel like I have grown up in the last few days.  My problems have not been solved mind you, but I haven't engaged in any compulsive eating today.  I would like to eat less and exercise more.  I only wish that diet and exercise were the only ones that had payoffs.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Strengths and limitations

What are my strengths and limitations?  I think that the greatest strength is that I can do something about my compulsive issues.  I now give it up to God.  What does He want me to do?  How does He want me to go about dealing with it?  Does He even want me to deal with it?  What do I do?  I have managed to identify the problem and that is a good thing.

My greatest limitation is that I don't know that I have strength.  My strength does come from the Lord.  The truth is, I don't know my own strength.  I have difficulty applying those truths that I have learned from to my own daily life.  I have a compulsion issue and while the obsessive thoughts are largely gone, I still have to work through, deal with, or overcome the compulsions.

It is not a great thing to want to go at it alone.  I have had so much information at my disposal that I became lost.  I have received pamphlet after pamphlet and meal plan after meal plan.  I wondered if I should count carbs or calories or points.  Right now I am counting points and so far, it is far it isn't as frustrating as I thought it would be.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Benefits of Change: Health issues

I have to explore every option to change.  I dreamed last night about the need and desire to change.  I was changing my menu plan.  I am going to exercise more and eat less.  That is simple.  Unfortunately, things don't come easy for me.  I realize that there is no payoff.  Okay, there may be some payoff, but it isn't worth it.  The benefits of change are those things that I didn't realize.  I want to lose weight also because I am inspired to do so.  I want to give credit for losing weight.  I want to be the hard worker that I know that I can be.  I am a diabetic and I would like to know what it would be like to not take so many medications throughout the day.  I have gotten closer to understanding that being so self-centered about my problems doesn't help either.  I wonder what it will be like to have a healthier body, to be fit, and to be able to do the things that others take for granted.  There is nothing like being able to do something one thinks they cannot do.  A sense of accomplishment would be the biggest benefits.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Risks for lack of change: Celebrity obsessions and compulsions

I have a compulsion problem that I need to address.  The risks to having live the same day over and over is not only boredom but an endless pool of compulsions and obsessions.  I need to change, and change only for me.  I want to change.  I have a desire to change because of the risks involved to my health and psyche.

Celebrity compulsion and worship doesn't do me any good.  I realize that it no longer matters who the celebrity subject is.  What matters is that I am obsessed and that I have a compulsion to look at pictures or videos.

I like to hear the sounds of their voices and read gossip about them.  It took me a while to realize that I have an issue with celebrities and just being a fan or admiring their work will no longer just cut it for me.  I can write all of the articles about them but if I don't change, it will only make change harder.  I also realize that it is a spiritual thing where I spend more time on my obsession and compulsions more so than I do my relationship with God.  For that reason alone, I need to change.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Identifying the Problem

I have had so many issues over the years.  On the other hand, I realize that the main issues is due to my mind.  It isn't necessarily a mindset thing, but it is mental.  I have obsessive compulsive disorder and bipolar disorder.  I have been having obsessions and compulsions over different issues and different people.  Most recently, the issues have been about my weight and Mickey Rourke or some other celebrity.  I have had these issues for many years and I have finally summed all of those issues into one.  I finally realized that the root of all of my issues have been medical or at least about having low self-esteem.  Rarely do I speak as well about myself as I should.  The problem is where do I take it from here.  I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which has caused a lot of weight gain, facial hair, and other issues that I rather not explain.  I am just writing about myself because I realize that I have this underlying issue that I must face if I am going to get better.  I have high blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol, which I didn't have before despite being overweight for much of my life.  I did have underlying issues but never to that point.  I have been fearful, frustrated, guilt-ridden, and self-conscious for many years and now it took me a while to figure all that out. In short, I have had a light-bulb moment this morning as I was talking about it.  I feel so much better, more so than I have ever had before.  In fact, I feel so empowered tonight.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Overeating problem

I have an issue and it hasn't just been on my mind.  It is an issue that I struggle with daily.  It isn't really about my weight as much as it is about my overall health and well-being.  Yes, I am overweight, but I am also an over eater.  I have my trigger foods that I have no business buying from the store.  It is hard to control myself whenever I eat.  I feel guilty about it and maybe writing it in this blog today can be of great help to me.  Hopefully I can come to terms as to why I have the issues that I do.  I keep believing that God is greater than my problems.  I still do, but it hasn't been easy believing so.  Maybe I should make the first move or say the right things.  I am not sure what I need to do now, but I wonder how to be an over comer in this particular situation.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Movie musings

I used to be able to watch movies everyday, all day.  I still do, but not even movies I find exciting.  I like to watch an occasional movie or two every once in a while but the love just isn't there anymore.  I like movies, some more than others.  I wish that I could just live life that way it is supposed to be lived.  I've had to struggle like this for years and now I think it is time that I learn to face my demons, whatever they may be. What is wrong with watching movies?  Why do most movies bore me?  Why do some of them freak me out?  The very questions that I am asking are so ironic because that is what movies tend to do: make us ask questions.

I find myself watching movies from the last few decades and wondering about the quality of them.  I watched the first two Iron Man movies and they were fun, but will they hold up against the Rocky or Godfather movies?  I guess only time will tell and only if they would ever be compared since the Iron Man movies are so recent compared to the Rocky and Godfather movies.  Plus there is this thing about criticism of different genres, so I don't see any of the Iron Man movies in any Oscar category unlike Rocky or Godfather 2.  I am no critic but just an average moviegoer who like what she likes.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Wrestling musings for today

Ever since I was a little child, I have been a pro-wrestling fan.  I cannot imagine my life without it.  However, I find myself growing out of it.  I have my moments being intrigued by Hulk Hogan's return and the fanfare surrounding Daniel Bryan, but mostly I am bored.  I do have a thing for Roman Reigns.  It is innocent..nothing less, nothing more.  That is okay, I felt the same thing about the Rock and Lex Luger, my very first crush.  I was around 12 or 13 and my brother used to make fun of me about it.

 Lex Luger was a muscular body in a sea of men who looked more like one's uncle than a guy who stepped out of Gold's Gym.  You know what.  That is okay.  I never cared what the wrestlers looked like.  If Roman Reigns was pudgy, it wouldn't bother me, so long as he is productive in the ring.  I guess what I am saying is that having "the right look" always mattered, but looks seem to matter a bit too much.

There are a lot of people in real life that look like Bray Wyatt or CM Punk, but it seems like the average wrestler looks more like a card-carrying member of a Gold's Gym, like John Cena and Randy Orton.  I guess having "the look" has changed somewhat.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I wonder if a Dusty Rhodes would even have a job in today's WWE, much less be a main-eventer for instance.  I guess that is just an opinion of mine.  My opinions are all that I have.  I am just an armchair quarterback.  That's all.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Interesting thoughts on twerking

I don't mean that there should be a treatise on twerking but I find it rather interesting.  It seems to be one of those dances that are so mainstream that it will eventually fade away, like the Dougie and the Macarena.  I have to admit that I never twerked, or dougied, but the Macarena was at least easy.  I guess being a part of an in-crowd just wasn't for me.

I am not sure where to begin here, but I have seen both men and women, and children doing this dance. Twerking is like sexuality, where one has to show restraint. In other words, there is a time and place for everything. It is one thing to twerk at a club with other 20-somethings, but to do the same dance in front of your children, on a graveyard, and in a church would make it sinful in my opinion because it is so disrespectful. I equate it to sex because sex in itself is not sinful and neither is dancing, including twerking.

 But there are people who misuse sex and pervert dancing that makes it a sin. Twerking is controversial I guess so do you believe that twerking in itself is sin in your opinion? People have been twerking for years but Miley Cyrus brought it to the mainstream's attention. So what are your overall thoughts on dancing especially twerking from a believer's perspective? It is interesting that I wrote this on another forum.  It is just interesting as a believer that I am even thinking about twerking and why twerking is such a big deal.