I am thankful for the support and love that I have received from my support team. These past few days I have been writing about what I need to change and how to overcome or deal with these compulsions that I have. I seemed to have "suffered" from these compulsions practically all of my life. Fulfilling whatever objectives that I have in dealing with these compulsions would require a total change of mindset. It would also require a total understanding that maybe, and just hopefully, I am stronger than I believe or think. My main objectives are to lose weight and be more comfortable in my own skin, put God first instead of my obsessions, and to overcome all negative and bothersome thoughts that I have.
As those who have read may know, I am here to right that I seemed to have lived the same day over and over again. Maybe that is not always the case. Hopefully that is not the case. I need to gain all of the support from even myself in this battle that I am facing. I often keep in mind that others have crosses to bear. My weight loss objectives are to lose 90-100 lbs, exercise more, and take less medication, and not compare myself to others. That sounds easy, but it is not. I have struggled to lose weight and exercise more. One of the perks to lose weight is not to compare myself to other people. I have often wondered what is wrong with me and what do I like about me physically. I have cared so much what others think of me that I seem to have lost all power for myself.
My other objective is not to feel like I am powerless. I have often felt powerless and out of control. That is because I have been out of control in my eating, but thankfully not lately. I hope that never changes. It becomes easier for me to change. I have compulsions about various moral and religious issues. My biggest ones are infidelity and being born-again. I admit today that I have had doubts about being saved. It drives me to learn more about my eternal state in terms of determining if I am one of God's. At the same time, it scares me. When if I have been deceived all along? When if my salvation can be taken away from me? What if I was never saved? What if I never had the understanding and faith required for a person to be saved? What if I never really knew what salvation means? I need to be reassured. The Bible does say that we have to work out our salvation with fear and with trembling, but does it really mean?
My third objective is to affirm myself and not to rely on the compulsion on others to take over my every thought during the day. I often wonder why I have these thoughts and will they ever go away. That is why I find my obsessions and compulsions scary at times. Whenever I write them down, however, I find my compulsions and obsessions lessen. That is a good thing, but maybe there is more to affirming myself and not rely on the compulsions on other people to take hold of my life and my psyche. Maybe I should exercise or go out more. I certainly need that. I just feel like being busy is the only thing that helps me to overcome these and to be patient. Patience unfortunately is NOT one of my virtues...yet. I am working on it however.