Sunday, June 30, 2013

Too many I's

I feel like I haven't been growing spiritually.  It is as if I am stuck in a rut.  I feel like I am living the same day over and over.  It is like Groundhog Day.

Wow.  That is so selfish of me.  This post is full of I's.  I am this and I am that.  There is so many times when it has been like that.  I guess it is okay that I talk about myself since this is my blog but there is a big world that billions of other people live in.  Meeting new people and sharing interests are goals of mine.

All I think about is Mickey Rourke, music, and other things.  There is more to life than these things.  There are cars, children, slavery, history, writing, and other topics.  There are so many issues that I have yet to cover and muse about in this blog.  I need to start doing so.  I need to affirm myself more and more.

Saturday, June 29, 2013


I have been thinking a lot lately.  I have been thinking.  That is a frustrating thing because I am not sure what I should write about today.  I have written about so many things it is as if I am running out of things to write about.

Ah yes, I have a new blog.  It is about self-improvement.  Well, rather it is about how and what I eat.  It isn't a food journal per se, but it is another step to losing weight.  I have lost 30 lbs and I feel very good about that accomplishment.  I am still at a plateau in which I am losing weight ever so slowly.  That too is frustrating.

There are so many things that I want to do and learn.  I want to travel the world, but I barely go out of my house.  I do research and meet new people which is something else I would like to do.  Maybe traveling is not such a great idea.  It is frustrating when things seem to go the opposite way.  You want to go this way, but you end up going the opposite way.  That kind of way is frustrating.  I have finally learned that frustration may actually be a part of life that we can learn from.  It teaches us that we need to be patient or that we can actually start over and start anew. 

Take a few steps back.  I need to do that from time to time.  Being frustrated is a good way to keep a person sidetracked, whatever their goals may be.  My goal is to lose another 71 lbs and it is easy to get frustrated because it is such a daunting task.  My health is something that I value and so is my life.  But most importantly, my soul is the most important thing.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Good day

Today was a good day.  I was tired however because I have been up since around 4:30 this morning.  This is one of those times when I surprise even myself.  I cannot believe that I have been up this long and I am not sleepy...not yet.  It is past 8:00 pm.  Sometimes, I don't know my own strengths.  I think that I am a person who needs to affirm myself more.  I like who I am, but there are things I like to change or at least adjust. 

My weight has a lot to do with it.  I once weighed over 300 pounds and I was self conscious about my looks.  I still have that self consciousness.  I have also learned to affirm myself.  I have been under a lot of stress for a long time and it felt good that I am not under that kind of stress at this present moment.  The fact that I lost weight and the fact that I am home and not tired makes me feel good.

It is unusual that i have not taken a nap today.  It is a great break from the usual grind of waking up early in the morning and taking a long, long nap in the afternoon.  I feel like sometimes I wasted time napping though it provides a moment of clarity once I wake up.  If I could take back some of that nap time from over the years, then I would.  What I could be doing?  I don't know, but at least it would be something that is more productive.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

For granted

I have been writing lately about life.  Why?  Because I realize that I may have wasted mine.  I hope that I am wrong here.  I have also been writing about my life.  Maybe I should write about time.  Time is of the essence.  Life is too short.  All it means is that we should not waste it.  Don't take anything for granted.  It is a sad way to live but we are all guilty of it.  I had a light bulb moment which doesn't take long for me to establish.    I sometimes am just tired of the things of the world.  I wonder if I am projecting that unto my own life.  I am a flawed person with warts and all and I have done a great job focusing on my flaws instead of my strenghts and my accomplishments.  For a long time, I felt like I haven't accomplished much, but I realize that accomplishments aren't always recorded by historians or have a lot to do with money.  I have done a lot in my life that I am proud of.  That is what I will meditate on.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

"Skylark" by Aretha Franklin

"Skylark" is so beautifully sung by Aretha Franklin.  I wish I had to effortlessness of her singing.  But it seems that I have to work hard at being a singer.  Some people seem to have all the luck, as a song from the 80s noted.  Some people I believe do that God-given skill that they already know how to use.  To me those are the lucky ones.  The moral to the story is never waste your gift.  Never waste what God has given you.  Life is too short to waste anything. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

How are women viewed in the Bible?

I created a video this past weekend on the way the Bible views women and on feminism.  I hope that it will be eyeopening.  This video is really an update on a page I did about women in the Bible a few years ago.  I certainly don't believe at all the Bible is a sexist book, or rather a book that promotes misogyny.  There is nothing in the Bible that implies a hatred or a disrespect of women.  In fact, it implies the total opposite.  Women are to be respected just as men are to be respected.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Lessons learned

I am no longer a blonde.  I am now a brunette with much shorter hair.  I have learned a valuable lesson.  Take extra care of bleached hair, though I have already know that.  Today was not the day that I have learned that lesson.  I would like to know why it takes a long time for me to learn that lesson.  The great thing about lessons is that you learn one everyday.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Lady in My Life by Michael Jackson

What a beautiful song!  I don't know about much of today's music, but I miss music like this!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Fame and how we should treat and view one another

Here I am musing about celebrity.  We live in a world where people who aren't known for having talent become celebrities.  We live in a world where people who seem to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever become role models.  We also live in a world where fame seems to be a form of idolatry.  Surely anything dealing with fame and celebrity is hard to escape.  We all listen to songs by famous people, we spend money to watch famous people act, we watch sports just to see them play, and even watch tv shows where anyone seems desperate for fame.  I guess fame is like a drug.  I would like to know whatever happened to having a balanced view of fame.  Most of the nearly 7 billion people in the world will never be famous but many will be desperate for that road to fame.  Fame and fortune that is.  The trouble is, there are benefits to fame.  You have millions paying attention to you.  You make money beyond your wildest dreams.  People want to sing your songs and watch your shows.

But there is a downside that is also heavily reported, so why do some people still want to be famous?  Is there a lack of a spiritual foundation?  Is there an imbalance in that person's life such an obsession with fame because they seem to have nothing else to offer?  Do they have something to offer and will become famous because they have talent?  Do all famous people have an imbalanced view of fame and of life in general?  Should we care about the issue of fame and famous people at all?  Well, let me put it this way.  There is nothing wrong with being famous per se, but fame can be like a drug.  Some people will degrade themselves for that extra 15 minutes of fame.  Others will risk not only their dignity, but their morals for that drug.  It is just a sad way to live. 

Famous and the so-called infamous are real people, too, just like you and me.  We will all have to answer to God, who is Lord, Savior, and Creator.  We will all be judged by the same standards.  No one, and I mean no one, will take their fame, money, power, or name to the afterlife after they are gone.  None of that will matter on the day of Judgement whether is the Judgement Seat of Christ or if it is the Great White Throne.  As long as we are all alive, it isn't too late to call on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Jesus suffered much and died on the cross for the average everyday citizen, the famous, and even those who are considered infamous.  We are all supposed to be role models to a degree.  We should all set an example in life whatever our age or station in life.  We are to be a positive influence on others whether we are students, teachers, bankers, NBA players, politicians, reality stars, or movie actors. 

Sadly, we rarely read or hear THAT much about those who do positive things.  They are even criticized or not talked about as much as one who has a negative impact or are negative influences.  Many of us people judged and tear down and criticize instead of praying for them that they will not lose their souls and that they will learn from the sins they commit.  Not every one is a good person, I admit, but Jesus even has a word about praying for our enemies and loving our neighbors.  I doubt all neighbors are nice people.  Be a positive influence on even people who seem irredeemable. Let us not forget that as well.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Life and death

Life is too short.  I am watching the news right now and a famous actor has passed away early in life.  It is so sad how life is fleeting.  It seems as if we are here today and gone tomorrow.  We cannot take anything with us.  Death seems lonely yet it can be liberating.  We live in a temporal world where there is pain and suffering.  Yet at the same time, death is about loss.  We mourn those who are gone.  We all hope that they are resting in peace and that their loved ones will be provided with comfort.  Death is sad.  Life should never, ever be taken for granted.  Tomorrow has its own evil thereof, but today is a gift.  That is why it is called the present.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Let go and let God.

It is time for me to let go and let God.  Life is too short to be burdened with the cares of this world.  I feel a sense of peace and a a sense of relief since I have already done so.  I am so happy about that.  Trusting God and having faith in Him is the answer.  He is the Answer.  He is the only Way to the Father and the only Way to everlasting peace.

I have been through a lot in the past few years with school, work, mental illness, weight, and my health.  I have been anxious about things for a long time and it has much to do with my obsessive thoughts.  I don't know how to deal with stress well and everything has been piling up on me.  I needed to take it slow and to take it easy.   I am a woman in her 30s going on 40 and there are things that I need to do such as standing on my own two feet.

Life is very short and it is fleeting.  It is a rather short journey, which is a liberating thought yet quite scary.  I have so much to offer and so much to do.  It is just that I don't trust myself, but I trust in God that all will work out.  That has been a source of much pressure for me.  I feel like I have accomplished little in my life.  I feel stuck, living in the past, living the same day over and over again, and not being able to do much about it.

I need to go out more and live a little.  I don't have much of a social life and I don't know where to begin.  But one thing is for sure, there is such thing as wisdom.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Taking care of my health

I definitely need to take better care of myself.  I can get all of the help I want or need, but pro-activity is the key.  I write a lot about being proactive because I can be lazy about things.  I have been struggling with my weight as of late.  I realize that I have been eating too many snacks and not enough large meals. Trying to fix my situation on my own has left me frustrated, overwhelmed, and as a result, I gained two pounds since last week.  I ate too many calories and have not done enough exercise to counter-balance those calories.  Today, I plan to make a change for myself.  I want to continue losing those 70 lbs. 

As I reflect back on my journey, I notice that I didn't always affirm myself.  I was so busy being overwhelmed that I didn't take the time to be thankful.  I needed accountability and that was what I got.  I am thankful for that accountability.  I am thankful that the weight has been lost.  I am thankful for all of the answers and advice that came my way.  Losing 32 lbs. hasn't always been easy, but I am more than willing to put in the hard work it takes to get out of the plateau that I have been in for the past 2-3 months now.

I rather not tell you how much I weigh, the plateau has been within a 10-15 pound range.  I felt that I was losing weight way too slowly.  I felt like giving up, but now I don't.  I felt like just starting over, but now I don't.  I realize that there are times when I have to give myself advice and just do it.

It is so much easier said than done, but with the right mindset it can be done.  It can accomplish things greater than even I can imagine.  As for my weight, health, and overall well-being, so far, so good.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Don't put off for tomorrow what you could do today.

Don't put off for tomorrow what you could do today.

I admit that I am a big procratinator.  I figure that I have plenty of time to do yard work, but now I have come to realize that in order to get things done, I have to do what is hard.  Doing the work sooner is better than later in the long run.  Tomorrow may be too late.  Most of us don't know how long we have on this planet and procrastinators such as myself need to learn that. 

Just do it.....tomorrow.

It is a funny expression but the expression could symbolize somewhat of a laziness to a procrastinator.  I don't wish to go and say that all procrastinators are lazy, but sometimes we often makes excuses as to what needs to be done, but later on.  It is a mistake to wait until the last minute to do something because the work gets even harder in the long run, so it is better to do the work earlier.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Light bulb moments

I love having light bulb moments.  Those are the moments which provide much clarity. However, the frustrating part about having those moments is that I wish that I have known more in the past than I do now. 

I have had plenty of light bulb moments about my health.  I have PCOS and I don't wish to wait for another light bulb moment to pop up but life is about learning and learning is about life.  However, the more one learns, the less they know.  True or false?  It does ring true to an extent yet it is about application.  Applying what one has learned produces knowledge and the pursuing and application of that knowledge is wisdom.

That is the light bulb that I have.  That is the moment that I have learned today.  I hope to have more light bulb moments in the near future. 

Thursday, June 13, 2013

How much should looks matter?

I needed help being objective sometimes.  Being subjective is not always the answer.  I say that because of the concept of beauty that seems to be thrust upon us.  We all have to work at being pretty my mother says.  That is a rather interesting statement.  We put on makeup, fix our hair, and exercise.  But do we do it to please others or to please ourselves?  How much do we wish to fit the world's standards?  How vain are we?  How important is looks and how much importance should we, or do, we place on a person's looks?  I have my own opinions but from an objective standpoint, I wonder if it is all about the vanity of this world or about something greater.  It is strange to reflect upon that because we seem to live in a world where there are those whose careers and self-esteem is based on image.  There are others who care less about image and see people for their inner beauty.  But I wonder if there is a balance between whether or not looks matter.  In the world we live in, looks do matter in terms of not only getting a job or landing a date, but sometimes we focus on the wrong things when it comes to looks.  Having "good looks" and looking good should never be an issue, but what I am saying is that there is a difference between a neat appearance and keeping up appearances.  Too many people keep up appearances and not take enough time to fix their inner man.  They don't take enough time to take care of themselves from the inside and work hard on themselves instead of being hard on themselves because they don't look a certain way at least to others or at least repent of and work on their character.  Having "good looks" is okay, but inner beauty is where it should and does count.  It does make me wonder if one looks good on the inside then do they look good on the outside?  Yes, it does.  They look a whole lot better than a person with "good looks" who is hideous and lacks inner beauty.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


As I look around, I see a world in need of prayer.  It is full of turmoil and strife.  It is not a safe place to be in.  Yet when I look around, there is also good in the world.  It is full of love and peace and people who strive for that love and peace.

Sometimes it is great to see the balance in things.  That is what I need to do in my life: see things from a balanced point of view.  There is nothing like it.  There is too little objectivity in this world.  Everyone has their thoughts and their opinions in reality, but I do wonder what it would be like if all of us were fair and objective every once in a while.

It would be a nice thing.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Letter to God...wanting more of You

One of my favorite songs is "More, More, More" by Joann Rosario.  I have a question.  What does it mean to want more of You?  Does it mean necesarily to ask for the Holy Spirit for His guidance?  I honestly do not know what it means.  I feel silly for asking You this.  I do want more of You.  I want to know You even more.

Thank You for saving me.  You are my Lord and Savior.  I repent of my sins for I have felt that I am not ready for Your return, but I wonder if that is about doubt or reality.  I am a sinner and I need You always.  I am dependent and have become more dependent on You.

It seems like I am rambling on, but I want to know You more.  I ask You for wisdom, guidance, and direction.  That is something that I had doubts about.  It feels like sometimes that I have not gotten wiser and I am still stuck in the same place.  I feel so alone and overwhelmed.

I have finally learned that the key to no longer being overwhelmed is my no longer taking control because I end up losing control.  I give You total and complete control over every detail of my life and my affairs.  The thoughts I have overwhelmed me.  I have been in need to lose weight, but need must be coupled with want in this case.  My desire is to lose weight.  The truth is, not only do I need to lose weight, I want to lose weight.

I am the kind of person who seemingly expects things to be hard.  It is great when things are so easy, but challenging myself can be a big frustration.  Losing weight is a big challenge but I know the results are well worth it.  I realize that I had to change my mindset in order for things to be manageable.  I needed to change.  I have also come to realize that in order to change, I had to make changes.  Be proactive.  I had to relax and take my time.

I had to be realistic about things.  I was overwhelmed.  I was in dire need of relaxation.  I am glad that I am feeling better about things.  I realize that tomorrow has its own sufficient evil thereof.  All I had to do was take my time and live life day by day.  I had to learn from my mistakes, which are many.  I do wish I had learned them earlier, but I cannot go back.  I am glad that all is well so far. 

Monday, June 10, 2013

Temptation and overcoming cycles

Temptation is such a sexy word.  However, temptation is not sexy.  As a matter of fact, it can be hard.  I am one of those people who are addicted to giving in to my obsessive thoughts.  I feel better and my questions are answered, but at what price?  I end up feeling guilty for giving in to temptation.

Obsessive thoughts are about mulling over a thought that one cannot control.  It is a cycle that can be vicious.  It is up to me to stop this cycle.  With medication temptation has been easier to deal with.  I am doing better since I feel that writing is cathartic for me.  It exposes me and those who read this how I really feel about a situation and it helps me to know what I can do.

I have done so with my weight, my health, and now with temptation.  I feel like not giving in.  In the grand scheme of things, it no longer matters.  I can break the cycle.  It will be hard to do, but trying and succeeding are well worth the effort.

Do not procrastinate

Today is the day that I would start.  Never put off for tomorrow what you could do today.  Last night, I ate too many fries, but I didn't and I still don't feel guilty.  I ate too many calories but I have learned a lot from eating too many or too few calories.  I realize that 1800 calories is very realistic but over 2000 is too many.  Ironically, I am eating 2090 calories right now and I hope to lose weight, but only I intend to eat that many calories.  Eating a certain amount has been a struggle for me and I hope to change that.

I have used a food journal hoping that I would lose the weight, but never put off for tomorrow what you could do today.  I hope to continue to lose 70 more pounds, but I don't have a set time though.  However, I suspect that it would take me a year to do so.  I will be 39 soon and I would like to lose weight before the age of 40.  I am one of these people who have to work extra hard to lose weight.

I wonder if it means that I have to work extra hard to have a working metabolism.  My metabolism tends to slow down and I wonder if that is the issue.  My metabolism has slowed down because of my age.  I wonder now if I should have a food journal.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Make a change for me

It is time for me to grow up.  I need to take charge of my life.  I am only at the beginning with this weight loss thing.  I have come to realize that the only reason why things are easier said than done is because I am not trying.  I haven't tried.  I haven't taken even the smallest baby step.

I need to do that.  I need to change my mindset if I want to grow up.  I need to change, period.  Change is good for a person who hates change.  I am a big stick-in-the-mud, but even a stick in the mud can be taken out I'm sure.  It may not be easy, but it can be done.

Losing 34 lbs was not easy, but I have 70 lbs more pounds to go.  I need to do that in order to lose the 70 more pounds.  I feel that growing up is about not just taking action and acting my age, but also keep oneself from being stuck in the same routine.  That has been my problem.  I need discipline.  I have been stuck in the same routine for a long time and it is getting boring.  It is no longer "doing it" for me.

Now how to begin to change?  How do I begin to take charge?  Inventory is what I need to take of myself.  I have to take a deep, long, hard look at myself and make a self discovery.  I guess that is what this is about, making a self discovery.  Everytime I write something down, I finally discover what I need to do.  Maybe I should start right now.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Being patient

I am doing well today.  I hope that I will do better next time I say.  I am referring to my weight.  Being overweight certainly has its drawbacks, namely people prejudging you to health issues.  I can't and won't control what others think, but I can control my health.  I have lost 30 lbs and I feel great so far.  I want to lose 70 more pounds but I need help to see the positives instead of focusing on the negatives, like wanting to lose 70 more pounds. 

It is rough for anyone to see the positives, especially if one has a long way to go.  Why is that?  I don't know, but my guess has to do with a lack of patience.  We live in a society where things are quickly downloaded, microwaved, etc.  We live in a society where patience is not a virtue and I admit that patience has never been one of my virtues.  Over time I have learned to be more patient in all things.

I guess that is what being a believer is about, from praying for a need to waiting on a ride to just waiting for hair to grow.  I had to cut my hair because I wasn't patient enough.  It is always better to be patient.  Patience, like honesty,  is the best policy.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Being frazzled

I wonder if being frazzled has to do with being manic or depressed.  Being bipolar just sucks, but I have to endure it.  I am always mindful that there are many who are mentally ill that are doing much worse than I.  There are starving people in the world and I am feeling guilty about being so self-centered and self-absorbed.  I feel that being mentally ill gives one a sense of clarity and a sense of reality that I wouldn't have otherwise.  I wonder if I can handle being in another person's shoes however.  It probably would be difficult to bear since anything can be a trigger for an obsessive thought.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Growing tired and reflecting

I am growing tired of being sick and tired.  I laid it out there for God from my weight to my social life to my obsession with Mickey Rourke. 

I have been obsessed with Mickey Rourke for just a while now and it is bothering me.  I need to get out more.  It doesn't matter why, but I find him sexy for his age and rather attractive.  He was hot when he was younger. But now, I feel that it is getting out of hand.  I am no stalker; I just like to look at pics of him and watch his movies.  Diner was a good film and he did well on "The Expendables" and he was the best part of "Iron Man 2".  "Iron Man 2" suffered from a lack of Mickey Rourke, lack of a backstory, and good editing.  But other than that, I thought it was fun to watch.  It wasn't that horrible.  "The Expendables" and "Diner" are not for kids, but they were also fun to watch.  I have yet to watch a Mickey Rourke movie that was truly bad (I have heard some clunkers.) or a bad performance from him. (The guy is just that good an actor.)

Anyways, I have begun to grow tired.  I have suffered from being overwhelmed long enough.  I have to realize that self-control and a lack of patience are not things that I use as excuses.  I have a good enough mind as to where I have the free will to make a choice.  I can choose to eat cake or I can choose not to eat a slice of cake, for example.  Self-control is very important if not vital to Christian living.  Without it, we would live as if we don't have a strong enough foundation, at least spiritually and we could end up suffering spiritually, emotionally, and pychologically.

My weight is another matter.  The good news is I lost more than 30 lbs.  The bad news is I am losing it too slow, but that may be due to my having PCOS.  I make too many excuses I believe.  It is one thing to be aware that I have PCOS but it is another thing to use it as an excuse or a crutch.  I hope that the former rather than the latter is true in my case.  In either case, it requires some reflection on my part.

How to deal with stress has gotten easier.  I am a person who would be prone to heart disease because I am diabetic and other issues including stress.  Stress is like a wave I guess.  The bigger the wave the more devastation it can cause.  I will have to meditate on that one.

Monday, June 3, 2013

My spiritual and physical health

It is well with my soul.  That is a very beautiful song because it is or should be well with a believer's soul.  Believers live with the Lord in them, for lack of better terms.  I am happy today.  It has been a trying time and after yesterday's post, I find myself in a good mood.  I am not tired or manic or depressed.  I feel like a load has been lifted off of me today.

I believe that there is a link between diet and mood.  But exercise also lifts the mood.  I feel that there is so much that I have to learn.  I feel like there is something that I wished that I had learned earlier.  I have always wondered that.

I have learned to eat healthy today.  To me eating healthy would have had to include eating an array of fruits and vegetables, a helping of dairy, and a helping of lean meats, all of which I had today.  I have wanted to eat healthy because I wish to lose weight.

Losing weight for me has been a great big goal of mine.  I wish to finally weigh 210 lbs within a year.  Right now, I have a long way to go, but I also have come a long, long way.  I am just thinking and musing about what is going on with my life and with my health. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

It no longer matters

I am feeling better and doing better.  I have come to realize that with obsessive thoughts, there are no answers, at least when we are seeking them.  The answers came naturally for me.  The truth of the matter is is that it doesn't matter.  My thoughts are my thoughts and my thoughts alone.  They can be controlled and they can be managed.  Since I am bipolar, they may be part of the manic or mixed state.  I sometimes wake up due to obsessive thought that are disturbing or bothersome. 

However, I do wonder if it is possible to put myself into these disturbing situations?  It is almost impossible to pretend or to imagine verbatim, but there are details that can be acted out, I guess.  That is what has been happening today.  What if I were having a series of one night encounters with strange men and I was unhappy with my own spouse?  Here is the scenario based on reality: I am not married nor have I ever been married, so I have never cheated nor have I been cheated on by my spouse.

I am just musing today about my thoughts because I have nothing else to muse about.  However, I am just musing about my obsessive thoughts.  I could muse about the birds and the bees, cars, or children.  It is my blog and I could muse about affirmations if that is my desire.  The blog is about what I think and feel about situations.  Sometimes it is based from God's Word.  Other times, it is based on experience.  I just like to share my thoughts, or rather musings.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Anatomy of an obsessive thought

I wish I could answer that question.  Really, I wish I could, but adultery is based on the fact that one's needs are not being met in the marriage.  It is a selfish, cowardly, dishonest act.  I often wonder what goes into the minds of one who commits infidelity, even one who is a fictional character.  It sounds silly, I know.  However, it is how I live my days.

I have been having obsessive thoughts about infidelity for a number of years now and it is manageable, but still quite annoying.  I am concerned that I will never get over that because I avoid movies, shows, and avoid reading books in which infidelity is a theme.  Anything can be a trigger to an obsesive thought and that is what I am afraid of.  I hate avoidance but for years it has become a necessary evil, and nothing more than a coping mechanism that has made my world smaller.

I realize that as a bipolar, I can get obsessive thoughts and I do.  It is very rough.  I have been diagnosed as being bipolar, but not OCD.  I guess there is a relation between the two since bipolars can get obsessive thoughts and bipolar disorder is not easy to diagnose.  Having bipolar disorder sucks at times with the manic episodes, the depression, and the mixed states, which I generally have.
It is hard at times to deal with the irritability, the tiredness, and the obsessive thoughts at the same time.

Life can be harder for me, I admit.  It has been harder yet I am getting sick and tired of just managing the thoughts and taking the meds.  It is stressful at times because obsessive thoughts are a nuissance at times.  I just woke up due to an obsessive thought about a tv character who has one night stands on a husband who won't sleep with her yet is raising her child by another man.  The couple is having problems in the marriage and she doesn't deal with problems very well.  Sometimes things that are disturbing have been waking me up every once in a while and it is disturbing at times.  I guess it is the mania.

I am here to write that there is an anatomy to these thoughts.  There is being drawn to the source of the thoughts which is often a book or the internet, regardless if the character is fictional or not.  In the case of the woman, she is fictional so generally I don't have to watch the show.  I could reason it out that way, but it doesn't work.  I generally do "research" online because I am so drawn to the storyline of infidelity even though I end up feeling guilty later.  Then I have a thought or a series of inter-related thoughts that I mull over or ruminate over trying and hopefully quelling the anxiety I have due to the previous actions.  It is easy to say why I did what I did, but it is like an addiction I guess.  I perform a compulsion like wondering why she did what she did with how many men, etcetera.

I realize that unless I watch the show or the movie, I will never find the answers that I seek during my so-called research.  If I end up finding the answers, then I am relieved yet the thoughts don't leave altogether.  This is where it gets tricky.  They take time to leave or it is in the back of my mind.  I have come to realize that if it is in the back of my mind still, then I have not gotten over it.  To me the answer is patience and distraction.  Let the thoughts pass, especially since the topic is not based on a real person.  The thoughts say one thing, but reality says something else entirely.  I prefer to listen to reality, where infidelity is real and people do get hurt.  The thoughts want me to hate this particular tv character for not being a good person.  The thoughts may say something true yet I have never watched the show nor am I the condemning type.

 I think that adulterers are being selfish and dishonest because of their lack of respect for their marriages and their spouses, but I have never cheated, nor have I ever been cheated on.  Why I have these particular thoughts I will never understand.  I had come to realize is that it no longer matters.  It will always remain a mystery.  Thoughts will eventually come and I have to realize that.  It is just that I wish I could find the cure to these thoughts.