Thursday, October 31, 2013

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Interracial unions

I have no issue with interracial relationships.  Why is there such a difference?  What difference does it make?  There is racism in the world and that is why it matters to so many, including myself.  I am hypocritical in my views because I feel that exclusively mating out of one's race is not something that I would do because I will mate with someone within my race just as much as I would of another race or ethnicity.  My views are of a personal preference. Also,  I don't feel one has to explain why someone is in a relationship with someone who is of a different race or ethnicity.  I believe that a person will find those same characteristics that one looks for no matter what the race, color, or ethnicity. 

It is sad that many people think they are ungodly or just unlawful.  That has happened in this country and it is so sad because a chunk of the US population were viewed as second class citizens and were treated as such.  They were considered lesser than the majority and some of that mindset and the racial hatred still remains in all races.  How the US systematically and stereotypically treat people is nothing short of a sin.  It is wrong. I have my pet peeves, yes, such as the racial confusion of the kids due to these unions.  What is really confusing them in my eyes is the racist attitudes of those who are against interracial unions, not the parents, but the racism that exists in our society. 

There is also nothing biblical against interracial unions.  Israelite men were to put away their foreign wives not because of their race or nationality, but because of the paganism that existed in those nations.  The point is, we are not to be unequally yoked.  An unbelieving spouse could end up being a negative influence on the believing spouse.  Yet a believing spouse could also be a good influence on the unbelieving spouse.  That is how I view interracial unions.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Macaroni and Cheese

I am in love with macaroni and cheese.  It is my favorite comfort food.  I even watch video about how others create their mac n' cheese recipes.  Of course, it is a Southern favorite.  Thus, it is a favorite of mine.  Even though it has British roots, mac n' cheese is loved by all, especially since I know that I am a proud Southern girl.   Here is another recipe for macaroni and cheese

Macaroni and Cheese

1 lb. box macaroni noodles
4 cups grated cheese(s) (any cheese will do)
Cracker barrel cheese
1 can Campbell's cheddar cheese soup
1 box cream cheese or neufchatel cheese, softened
6 oz. velveeta cheese product
1 cup milk
1 stick butter or margarine, softened
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup half-n-half cream
1/2 cup evaporated milk
1/4 cup buttermilk
1 cup sour cream
2 egg yolks
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. pepper (black, white, or red, it doesn't matter)
1 Tbsp. French's yellow mustard or 1 tsp. dry mustard
1/2 tsp. hot sauce, cayenne pepper, or tabasco sauce
1 1/2 tsp. paprika

Cook the macaroni noodles as it is written in the package then drain in a colander and set aside.  In a large pot, make a roux of the milk and the butter.  Keep in mind not to let the roux brown.  Slowly pour in the milk and stir.  Add in the evaporated milk, cream, and buttermilk.  After a while, the sauce will thicken.

Next, add the grated cheeses; stir until incorporated and the cheese is melted.  Then add in the cheese soup, velveeta cheese product,  and the cracker barrel cheese.  Stir until the cracker barrel cheese and the velveeta cheese product melts.  Take the large pot off of the stove, which is set to medium temperature,  so that it can be set aside.  Next, pour in the macaroni noodles and stir into the cheese sauce.  Stir until well incorporated.  Set aside.

In a large bowl, mix thoroughly the egg yolks, cream cheese, and the sour cream.  Once well-mixed, and that mixture into the pot, which is placed on top of the stove.  The stove should still be set to medium.  Next, add in the mustard, hot sauce, and the spices and stir well.

Pour macaroni mixture in a greased baking sheet.  Also, sprinkle macaroni mixture with grated cheese, bread crumbs, or anything else that you wish to sprinkle with such as bacon or ham.  Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 25-30 minutes until the cheese melts and the macaroni browns.  Once taken out of the oven, let it cool for at least 10-15 minutes.  Then serve.

Sunday, October 27, 2013


I was wondering what I should write today.  It hasn't been easy to write about many different things since when I am sheltered.  But I do however, have some knowledge of animals.  Though we are to have dominion over animals, we are to love them and take care of them.  I hope that I have done well to take care of my cat.  I love animals and I believe that they shall be treated humanely.  But I do wonder how lowering the cat and dog population is humane.  I was watching "Too Cute" last night and it has me to wondering.  Cats and dogs do have feelings just like we do.  They feel hurt and they are joyful.  They feel pain just like we do.  I just love animals, especially puppies and cats of all ages.  Kittens and puppies are just the cutest.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Three bean chili with ground beef

Three Bean Chili with Ground Beef

1 cup dried black beans
1 cup dried navy beans
1 cup dried red kidney beans (dark or light)
1 1/2 cups chickpeas
1 large onion
1 pound ground beef
1 can diced or stewed tomatoes
1 cup ketchup
2 Tbsp. white vinegar
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. pepper
1/2 pack lipton onion soup
1/2 green bell pepper
2 Tbsp. lemon pepper seasoning
2 Tbsp. chili seasoning
1 tsp. taco or salad seasoning
1 tsp. seasoning salt
1 tsp. ground nutmeg
6-8 cups water
1 cup mild salsa
1 bottle chipotle sauce
2 cans spaghetti sauce

Soak beans and chickpeas overnight.  Wash the beans and add the water.  Let it cook on medium for 1-3 hours until beans are tender.  Pour water off of beans and rinse with cold water.  After they are rinsed in the colander, put beans back into the pot.  Set aside.

In a large bowl, mix the tomatoes, ketchup, white vinegar, seasonings, salsa, nutmeg, spaghetti sauce,  and chipotle sauce.  Once mixed, set bowl aside.

In a large pot, brown the ground beef and drain.  Once the beef has been drained, add the onion and the bell peppers.  Cook until the vegetables are softened.  Add the salts, pepper, and soup to the meat-vegetable mix.  Then add in the beans and slowly add in the sauce.  Also, add in an extra 2 cups of water.  Let it simmer for an hour to 2 hours until the chili thickens.  Then serve.

Friday, October 25, 2013


Couponing is a hobby of mine.  Not only does it save money, it is also relaxing.  I know I spend a lot on ink, but it is worth it.  I started couponing not too long ago, but I am not an extreme couponer.  I would like to be an extreme couponer.  I do wonder how people save so much and spend so little.  The downside to extreme couponing is that it looks like highway robbery, but legal.  On the other hand, it isn't legal or unethical to do extreme couponing.  It is a time consuming, yet fun activity.  Not everybody can afford to pay for all of their groceries with whatever money they have without coupons so why not save?  I really appreciate those with large families and those who wish to donate to military families and to the poor. 

I wonder how much money stores would really lose or make if everyone would manage to become an extreme couponer.  Like everything else, there are rules that have to be followed and I have never known an extreme couponer to be a rule breaker.  Rules are there for a reason.  Sometimes the good have to suffer those rules along with the bad rule breakers.  The rule breakers are at fault here, not the average citizen and certainly not the average couponer.  It feels good to save money and present coupons at the store.  Like I said, I wonder what it will be like to be an extreme couponer who has little room left in their home because of the fruits of their labor.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Prayer and thankfulness

Prayer is deep, respectful communication with the Lord.  Prayer is not a hard science but Jesus however did teach us how to pray.  When we pray we are not to ask amiss, but in His name.  We are to reverence the Lord and be thankful.  We are also to trust Him no matter how small the details seem to be to us.  I am writing about prayer because I have learn to trust in the Lord more and more each day.  There isn't anything He wouldn't do for us just as long as we obey Him.  Life can be hard, but life without prayer and thanksgiving is even harder.  Taking the time to thank God today is something that will be greatly appreciated by God. 

We all have much to be thankful of.  There is always someone who has it worse than us, but there is someone who has it better than us.  Circumstances can change and people can change.  These things happen daily and they never stop.  God still does miracles.  We as believers need not to lose heart for God being the God of miracles is true.  Many believers have been set free from drugs, doubts, and lying.  Others have been saved from unforgiveness, bitterness, and hatred.  I don't claim to know everyone's life but I believe that even with me, little miracles happen everyday.  Prayer is something that none of us should take for granted.  Even if it is short, take the time to thank God today.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Fallin in love with reality

I would like to fall in love and get married.  This what I am writing about today.  I wonder about a lot of things, hence, musings.  I confess.  I never know what it is like to fall in love.  I know about having a crush on someone or being obsessed, but to really love someone, I don't know how.  I have only ideas and that is what I have. 

I live in a fantasy world in order to cope with the lack that is a part of my reality.  I have a need to explore and to at least try to engage with other people.  But meeting new people is hard for me as I am a shy person who struggles with how to deal with other people.  I have issues about myself that I have yet to address.

Those issues are why I talk so much about my weight and my obsessions.  I never really spread and wings.  I feel as if my wings have been clipped long ago or at least have never been used.  I don't know where to fly.  Do I have wings at all?  Will they grow?  Are they too short?  In short, what is really standing in my way?

How do I get out of the fantasy world?  I have gotten too comfortable.  That is the problem.  Life I wish was about comfort, but those who are successful in life take risks.  There is little to no comfort in taking risks.  Either you pass or fail.  That is it.  There is no in-between.

So as far as taking risks, where do I begin? 

Monday, October 21, 2013

Come Lord Jesus

Even so, come Lord Jesus.  May Your grace be with us all.

I have prayed this because Jesus is most definitely coming back.  I am reflecting on all of the things I have done right and all of the things I have done wrong.  I realize that no one is perfect but that we could all do better.  Time is running short and it seems to be running even shorter.  I have even noticed that time has gone by even faster.  It is just amazing but ten months have passed and I cannot believe it myself.  Twenty four hours seems like only four....or five...or six.  The point is, I cannot seem to count how short time has been. 

I myself need to be mindful of what is really going on in the world.  I am a sinner saved by grace.  God loves me enough to raise Jesus from the dead after His death on the cross.  I am thankful for His salvation.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

To muse about

As I read my blogs, I am still concerned as to what a musing is.  Have I contemplated enough?  Have I contemplated at all? I have had thoughts about money, writing, and other subjects.  Yet I seem to go the same routes.  What does this all mean?  Does it mean that I am living in a circle?  Is it a vicious cycle?

That sounds like my life, doesn't it.  Maybe I am just going on and on and on.  I just feel like I am going insane sometimes because I don't have the right this and the right that.  I guess it is the obsessive nature in me.  I have to have to do everything right so that all is right with the world.

I am only exposing myself to You because that is all I have: myself and my relationship with God.  My life seems to be full of vanities.  But even my vanities make me what I am today.  All is vanity I say.  The Preacher was right.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

"I Belong to You" by Toni Braxton

I was listening to this song yesterday and I forgot that this song was even released!  It sounded so good on the radio that I even downloaded it.  I just love Toni Braxton's music!  I wonder how her new song is.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Update on Mickey Rourke obsession

My mind tends to loop.  I know it is about the obsession with Mickey Rourke.  I don't know what to believe.  What if his ex-wife were telling the truth?  There is hope to the end of my obsession.  It doesn't seem to be that way, but prayer changes things and my situation.  As you can see, I have been obsessed with Mickey Rourke for the past few months now.  It has been hard to say the least to understand the obsession and to answer why I have an obsession with a "bad boy" so to speak. 

Well here it is.  It no longer matters.  It is vanity.  In the grand scheme of things, it is worthless.  My relationship with God is what matters.  How much does it affect my relationship with God?  Does it have any effect if at all?  Should I care?  Well to answer those questions, yes it does matter.  It does have some effect on my relationship with God because the thoughts about Mickey Rourke consume much of my thought life.  It is a distraction and not in a good way.

I have woken up as a result of these thoughts.  I spend the day thinking about it.  I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.  I am glad that I didn't feel like that today, but I know that it is idolatry.  I needed help and I'm not out of the woods yet.  I have no special sayings or musings today so I am just rambling about an issue in my life.

On some days I just don't have anything to reflect on.  I don't know how my mind works.  I wish I did so I could move on from this obsession.  I spend a lot of the day obsessing and that is not good.  Idolatry and idleness are not of God.  I am to serve God only and spend my days not being lazy,  but being productive.  I am not even sure how he would see me if I were to ever meet him.  Would he be nice or would he be rude to me?   I have read some rude things about him and they may actually be true, so why would I want to meet him.  I have read some good things about him, too.  The truth is, I don't know him.  Mickey Rourke is only an image.  He is a person.  We are not to worship or be obsessed about images or about the creation instead of the Creator.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Wisdom about being thankful

I could use a little sunshine in my life to paraphrase the Clark Sisters.  That is a lovely song by the way.  It is a song of praise to the Lord.  There are times when I fail to be grateful and give God praise.  I wish I could be a more grateful person but it seems that I complain too much. 

Maybe this isn't the case or maybe I am just reflecting.  Maybe I am just doing something else.  Either way, I have much to be thankful for.  It is hard sometimes to notice what one should be grateful for sometimes.  In this world, I admit that I don't always focus on the positive and for me that is why.

I also admit that I need and desire to change my mindset on things.  Happiness and success comes from a healthy mindset.  I had to learn the hard way.  Whether or not the goal is to be more grateful or to lose weight, a person's mindset is of great importance if not vitality.  Yesterday, I have also come to realize that the Preacher in Ecclesiastes is right.  To paraphrase we are to put God first and serve Him only for all of the other things in the world is vanity.

Hopefully, I didn't misinterpret the last sentence or what Ecclesiastes was about.  I was reading some of this book yesterday and it had me to thinking that I was sweating too much of the small stuff and not thinking of the big picture.  My life is a journey and I am thankful for that journey.  Life has its twists and turns and indeed I had my share.  But I am thankful to be where I am at.  There were unpaved roads and such but I had learned a lot from going the wrong way sometimes.

I have learned to follow instructions and carry a map.  Also, I have learned to carry a compass with me wherever I go.  I have become more thankful for all of those wrong turns as well.  How that is possible I will never know.  Maybe I was closer to the destination than I thought.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Dueno De Mi Corazon by Jaci Velasquez

This song is now on my mp3.  I would love to have on my Ipod, but I guess that is for another blog entry.  Jaci Velasquez is one of my favorite artists, regardless of language.  I can imagine singing this in a church or anywhere.  This song is about praising our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I just love this song.  A great song, catchy or not, can move a person to imagine or inspire.  This song does just that.

Monday, October 14, 2013

"Be Happy" by Mary J. Blige

I would love to be happier, healthier, and made whole.  I cannot do that without God's help.  I hope to be working for and serving the Lord when He makes His return.  I am not sure, but I hope to remain vigilant when He does return.  Time is short and every second it gets shorter.  Time waits for no one, and I mean no one.  We all live, breathe, and work on God's timetable, so it is up to each of us to make the most of it.  After all, today will be the only October 14, 2014 AD that will ever exist.  After today, that day will be no more.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

"Blessing in the Storm" by Kirk Franklin

I had so little hope this past week.  I procrastinated.  I was a glutton.  I had to take a long painful look at myself and I didn't like what I saw.  I saw someone who wanted and needed to change.   I am reflecting back in this past week.  God has forgiven me and I thank all who have been there for me and prayed for me.  I needed help this past week.  I was obsessed and entrenched in gluttony and idolatry.  I asked to be instilled of confidence since I suffer from low self-esteem.  I will be a blessing to myself and hopefully to others as God has been a Blessing to me.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Physician, heal thyself

I need to heal myself before I can witness and heal others.  Jesus said that He came to minister to those who are ill, however, not to those who are well.  So what am I really trying to say?  I have issues and I need to do a better job of addressing them.  I have been wasting a lot of time being depressed and what not.  It has been quite a depressing week to say the least.  I am in a time when there seems to be little hope.  I am usually a hopeful person but I am not sure if I could either change or if I could at least change my circumstances.  It seems that I have taken two steps back in this journey.  Taking a break has been a good and bad thing for me.  I am just rambling about my life this past week because it has been quite eventful.  This is especially true when it came to my health. 

Mickey Rourke is another reason.  I have written in full detail about my obsession with him and I realize that I have become one sick puppy.  I think I am in love.  I know that literally I'm not but it has been rough trying to overcome an obsession with someone.  It should be easy for me as I know I will never get to know him or meet him.  It is all in my head.  I need help despite a therapist, medication, etc.

I am not sure if I am truly getting the help I need.  I seem so clueless yet at the same time I feel a sense of calm in the midst of a self-inflicted storm.  Maybe it isn't a test or a storm.  Who knows? 

Friday, October 11, 2013

"Let the Music Play" by Shannon

I have nothing to add really.  I have been having a rather interesting week needless to say. I have nothing to muse about except for the headache I have had.  Other than that, there isn't much to say.  But this song is awesome though.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

"Roar" by Katy Perry

"Roar" by Katy Perry is a recently released song that I love.  As I am typing this, I was listening to it.  It is a song of encouragement and hope.  I need to be strong for right now, I am living in a funk right now.  I could use some encouragement because I see no way out.  I have been binging and craving foods like crazy.  Just moments ago, I had some craisins with pomegranate dried cranberries.

I feel like a weak, powerless, helpless person.  Could it be depression?  Or could it be a natural source of guilt that is brought on by guilt because of copious amounts of foods?  At least that would be the case for me, being a glutton.  I feel like giving up on my diet.  Maybe that is the problem.  I consider it a diet and I want to lose weight.

Right now, however, I feel like eat and obsessing and eating and obsessing.  That is the plan for the day.  In fact, I made no plans for the day.  I just feel like giving up and just let go.  I want to live like abandon or something like that.  I struggle to follow the rules and now I am just struggling.  I need help and it feels lonely.  I pray and struggle, pray and struggle.  What do I do now?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I am obsessed.

Mickey Rourke is an obsession of mine.  I need help and I need help badly.  I feel like I am going crazy.  I could be going crazy.  I am trying to be stable this week, but it has been very hard.  I feel like going home and just give up.  I know, I know, I am home, but it is just like a figure of speech.  I wish I could just go away.  I realize that I need a hobby instead of living in a fantasy world.

I am thankful for all of the advice that I have been given.  This is an honor that they were so nice to me.  I will talk to my counselor about this.  Re-directing my thoughts haven't always been so easy.  It is quite confusing at one time.  I am not confusing myself any longer because I don't feel that it is a good thing to have an obsession on any actor.  I am brave enough to put myself out there and say that I might be going crazy.  I know I would take pity or at least relate to someone who was obsessed like I am. 

I was even obsessed with others, yet they come and go.  I know I will never meet him or get to know him.  I know he isn't as good looking as he once was.  I know that he never died on the cross for me.  However, it seems that my brain doesn't register that sometimes.  I wonder what I should say to God about this.  What should I say to God about this?  What should I do?  Is there any other advice that I should take to heart?  Those are questions that I need to be asking.  I just cannot take it anymore.  When will it all pass?  I cannot wait much longer.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Obsessive thoughts

I told my mom about my obsessions and it felt good.  However, I felt like my obsession is on my mind  I do believe that he is so hot regardless of what he looks like.  He does need therapy like I do and a stylist though.  It is as if I want to be best friend.  I have thoughts about him that a Christian is not supposed to have.  I feel pretty good today as I don't have many thoughts about him.  However, though he hasn't been in my dreams, I can say that I woke up and felt pretty good.  However, I woke up to another thought but it wasn't so bothersome.  What were to happen if I were to meet him?  I was afraid of what he would eventually say.  He was smoking a cigarette and he knew my name.  It was as if he knew that I was stalking him or wanting to meet him.  That is something I don't want.  I am scared of meeting him and I don't want him to curse me out, so the meeting would be out of the question.  I will always have questions about whatever obsessive thoughts come to mind, but I guess the answers no longer matter.  In the grand scheme of things, what is real really counts.

Monday, October 7, 2013

That is all I can say

There isn't more that I can say about Mickey Rourke.  The truth is, it is an obsession that I can't seem to let go of.  I have had this issue with obsessions for a long time.  I hope that things get better.  Things seem to get worse before they get better.  It is only a matter of time before it is all over.  Right now, it is weakening.  What can I do to make obsession weaken even further?  I can stop going to do searches, that is how.  I do searches and "like" pics of Mickey Rourke.  Should I tell my mother about it?  It would seem embarassing, but she knows about my OCD, so I guess it wouldn't be all that bad.  I am reflecting on having OCD and I do wonder if it was God's way of my getting closer to Him.  Could it be?   I wonder about that.  Could it be demonic?  Could it be one that exposes some deep-seated issues?  Maybe that is what I need to find out. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Mickey Rourke

Yesterday I wrote a nice, long letter to God about my obsession with Mickey Rourke.  I don't think that I have ever been this honest before, at least with myself and God.  Maybe there is more I can think of.  Mickey Rourke has been the subject of a few of my postings here and I just wanted to share how I really feel about him.  I think that no matter what he looks like, there is a sexiness and charm about him that is almost unmatched by any other actor in Hollywood.  There is a sadness and realness about him that comes across that is unmatched by most other celebrities.  Celebrity seems to be nothing but an image of people that seems to prey on the bank accounts, and sometimes the naivete of some.

I'm sure Mickey is the same way since he is famous, but there is an authenticity to him that seems apparent despite his celebrity.  I know that I have a cynical view of celebrity it seems but I cannot say that all celebrities are bad people but the tabloids and tv shows are all an image, not reality.  Mickey's movies are not reality.  Nothing outside of the person Mickey Rourke is real.  He too has a crafted image.  But I admit that I was shallow and I wonder if he looked more like George Clooney would I be worried about my image or even mentioning his name.  Then I look at a past obsession with George Clooney and I am glad that it is not the case.  If it was, then it would be because I only cared what others think.  That would be really silly in itself.

Mickey is a beautiful man, but a different kind of beauty.  He is incredibly skilled at what he does and there is a certain sadness about him.  He was abused as a child and there is something that is honest and sad, even pure about him.  I guess because he is so blunt.  Though I cannot say his changing looks have anything to do with boxing in later years, I can say for certain that there is some complexities to this man that I cannot understand.  That is why he is so interesting.  He is not conventionally handsome, but he is handsome at the same time.  He is an interesting guy to say the least.

I have watched some of his movies, even the Pope of Greenwich last night.  I do think that he is a beautiful guy, especially in some of his earlier roles.  His voice even changed.  His voice was softer and a higher pitch than now.  Maybe it has a lot to do with aging, and the fact that he smokes like a chimney.  I am not sure of his religious beliefs and how he views God, but like every other celebrity he needs prayer.  In fact, all of us need prayer.  He is fascinating to watch, keeping in mind that he is human, just like the rest of us.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

"Give Me You" by Brandy

I have a rough time trying to get over my obsessions.  They weren't about my obsessive thoughts, but about my crush, or rather obsession with a said actor.  I know who he is, so I realize that I have been approaching this the wrong way.  I realize that I can no longer fight it but let the thoughts pass.  It is quite difficult because it is as if I feel defeated every time I even sense a thought is about to take form.  It is not always easy also because it is easy to feel anxiety and apprehension at the very thing that cannot hurt me.  I realize that it cannot hurt me but it took me a while to apply that to my own life.  Maybe I should write out my thoughts and just relax and take it easy.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Weighty reflections

I wrote yesterday about the power that lies within me.  That Power is the Holy Spirit.  He is to guide me into all truth, so why is my faith so small?  Lord, Forgive me.

I am not a strong person sometimes, or at least that is how I feel.  I feel like giving up sometimes but I am a hopeful person.  All things are possible, so 30 pounds is something that I thought that I couldn't lose, or maybe not.

All I know is that I am just being random.  I don't know what I am doing.  I may need to take the time and reflect on my mistakes.  What have I done wrong?

Then again, what am I doing right?  Maybe I should focus on that one first or instead.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


I realize that I have the power to conquer my fears.  I believe that my fears while they are real are conquerable.  I feel pretty good today.  My mind is renewed and I haven't had any issues with the thoughts I have been having.

Right now, I have been struggling with my weight and eating in moderation.  I sometimes feel like I am setting myself up for failure.  I have lost weight but I realize that the power lies with me.  I have been feeling powerless and helpless for a long time.

Right now, I am getting out of my weight loss plateau.  I am thinking of buy a pedometer for myself and also dumbbells.  I have to be proactive, or take action.  Even a little change and action go a long way.

I love having those light-bulb moments.  I thank God and others for those light bulb moments.  This is something that I will always treasure.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013


I do care too much what others think.  I realize that it is silly.  I too much look for the approval of others.  It is a big mistake to look for the approval of others.  It is time for me to stand on my own two feet.  That is one thing that I have learned over the years.  I am here to write this because I feel like I have been insulted, made fun of, laughed at, and judged one way or another.  I have feelings and they hurt.  I have kept my tongue over the years and didn't react.  It was as if no one cared about me or my feelings.  I felt alone in the world and sometimes I still do.  It is as if no one cares what I think.  I have to take action for me.  It is over with the judgements and the laughter of others, but I still remember some of it like it was yesterday. 

It has gone on to this very day and I feel that others have no clue.  But I wonder if they even care.  Maybe it is their loss and not mine.  The only thing I can do is forgive and move on with my life.  That is what my obsessive thoughts are all about.  I have had obsessive thoughts about being bullied and they are so expanded to the point where they are hard to shake.  They play on my hurt feelings and my insecurities and I don't know where to stop these thoughts.  They are some of the most bothersome thoughts that I ever had because I was teased when I was younger.  I largely got over them but the thoughts keep coming back every once in a while.  They have a mind of their own, but I do too have a mind of their own.  I need to deal with these thoughts and why I have them.  I need not to let these thoughts and the world get me down.  The world does not love me, but God does.  Now, all I have to do is apply the word of God to my life.

The world like I said, does not love me.  I am no longer of the world, but I am a child of the living God.  I am saved, so I need to act like it.  I need not to fear confrontation.  I am to be anxious for nothing.  I have become obsessed with what others think for so long, it is going to be difficult to not think of the approval of others.  I look at my life and I am thankful for its many blessings.  There is nothing I can do about the past, but the present is a gift.  To me, it will not be a cliche.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Random thoughts, lol

I had a good day today.  I admit that I cheated on my diet today and it was a major cheat at that.  I sincerely don't like to eat too much however.  Cheating is not something I take lightly regardless of a spouse, a diet, or a test.  Cheating is wrong, period.

I had a revelation yesterday about my obsessive thoughts concerning infidelity.  It has made my thoughts even more manageable than before.  They were annoying but now I realize that I obsess over one-sided stories.  I know very few people who have cheated, or rather none who cheated.  I know no one who cheated like that but I have read and heard stories.

I realize that I had no room to judge due to reading or hearing one side of a story.  That is silly.  I don't know these people.  I have never cheated nor have I been cheated on.  All of us will have to take an account of our lives, and so do I.  I wonder what God will have to say about my thoughts.  Are they sins?  I don't know, but God does pay attention to our thoughts.

What we think says much about who we are as people, not just what we do or say.  I wonder what my thoughts truly say about me.  My thoughts are not as much about me as it is the state of the world.  Or is it?  That is a good question I wonder.