At my age...

I feel like at my age, I should be growing up.  The problem is, I have suffered from being stuck.  I am not sure if I have grown as a person.  I am almost 40 and I feel like I am stuck on 30, or younger.  I have had psychological problems for as long as I could remember.  It hasn't always been easier with finding distractions to having guilt about my problems.  Life just seems even shorter because I have these issues.  The world also seems smaller as well due to avoidance.  I have been living in a "fantasy" world for years only for the obsessive thoughts to act up.  In other words, I have been spending my time obsessing over fictional characters.  Fictional characters are someone else's creation.  It is illogical and makes no sense.  But I wonder when has an obsessive thought ever made sense?  It is crazy since I have spent a countless amount of time wondering if there will be a divorce or a reconciliation.  Was there even love in the marriage?  Why did she cheat?  I don't want to know but I feel like I have to just for the sake of having a peace of mind.  Now that that is over, then what? What else am I obsessed with?  Who will I be obsessed with?  Why at my age can I just fall in love and deal with a real person instead of wondering?  I wonder what is wrong with me.  I often wonder what has happened to me and to my life in general.  How is it that I feel this way about anything?  I just wish that my mind didn't contain a blueprint of even the most minute details of life.  What is important becomes less of a focus in my daily life.  What has become of greater importance has nothing to do with me personally.  I just want to know but not in a way that is comfortable.  I don't want to be "curious" like this.  I just want to read something now and not think about it later.  I wish I could have a day without obsessive thoughts and disturbing images.  Now that is what I would call a miracle.