Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Embrace who and what I am

Do I like myself?  Did I like myself even in my younger years?  Is 40 really the new 30?  Okay maybe.  But why?  Why can't I just be 40 and leave it at that?  Why can't 40 be the new 40?  I am beginning to embrace parts of myself, including the fact that I am who I am.  I am 100 pounds overweight and that is a part of who I am.  I have to learn to love, honor, and respect myself.  Those are the things that I had to struggle with all of my life.  Either I was more comfortable when I was small or too fat or too lazy or not smart enough because I lacked the common sense that God gave me.  That last one hurts the most.  Why would anyone worth a grain of salt tell someone they care about say that?  I have taken rude remarks most of my life.  I have made, and still make comparisons to other people.  

My butt is too small and my stomach is too huge. In fact, my belly is hanging down.  I am not comfortable with my body yet I hate the idea of losing weight.  I am a diabetic yet I have no desire to lose.  I am 100 pounds overweight yet I have learned to like myself more and more and more.  I had to embrace that I am flawed.  I would be flawed small or large.  I am obese and I eat till I eat no more.  I realize that that is not a good thing but have I given up?  Have I quit on myself?  Am I in denial?  No, I am not in denial.  I am just being honest.  The world has their ideas and views.  But what are my views and my ideas?  Where do I begin?  What is causing this lack of desire?  Why do I not want to lose weight?  How come I am doing a good job of proving others right?  Am I too old to have the dream body or am I too young not to know better?  I need to make a change, it is obvious.  But what do I have love for?  Who or what is my one true love?  

I don't want to take it anymore but I do take it.  I may have lived with reckless abandon.  I may be hurting myself and wasting my money on diet programs.  I am just tired of the struggle.  I am tired of living like the world and doing the world's bidding.  I just want to think outside the box.  I am relieved.  This is the first time I have been honest.  This is the first time I feel like being silly and feeling that way.  This is also the first time where I have embraced who and what I am.  Now that is what I call thinking outside the box.

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