However, it took this morning to find out that the obsession to infidelity is connected to weight fixation to being bullied to sexual obsessions to even racism. It all makes sense now. Racism and bullying are connected to my weight because I have low self esteem issues. What do I do? I don't know why I have the exact thoughts that I do, but I realize that it no longer matters. The ways that I cope make things worse. I am taking a big risk by writing it out. However, I am taking a risk. However, writing has been great medicine for me, so this is a way to think things through as well as to learn how to take action. Confession is good for the soul but action I realize has to be taken afterwards.
So it all starts somewhere, so the solution is that I have to take some kind of action and realize that the nature of these thoughts are not logical and do not require actions. Having these obsessive thoughts have caused me years of anxiety and heartache and guilt. I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I also felt guilty for having obsessions and compulsions. The truth is, I have never had an affair but it is also true that I have never divorced, had a paternity issue with a man because I don't have kids by a man. I don't have a man so I cannot say that I have a reason to worry about cheating. For that reason, I have often wondered why I have had these thoughts despite all of this. I have never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on. Why do I have these thoughts? Having said all of that, I realize that applying logic to an obsessive thought is wise. It will never work and hasn't been this way, so why try? Why fight these thoughts? I have identified illogical exaggerated thoughts that really make no sense. Now how do I reconcile this with illogical sites? I guess letting the thoughts pass by remembering what I wrote about infidelity and what I have written just now.
I realize that there have been times when there are thoughts that are exaggerated, if not all thoughts are exaggerations of real life stories. Everything in those thoughts are exaggerations to the point where even fictional characters become real. All things become real. They are not. What are the thoughts about? The key is to no longer fight them. I have to learn to see these thoughts for what they really and let them pass. That key alone is so difficult to apply.
However, there are times when the obsessive thoughts are based on real life. I have been bullied over the years. I am overweight and have been called names. I am black and have often wondered about the world around me when it comes to race. I ask for reassurance or I listen to those thoughts to the point where that is all I focus on. However, they are thoughts and illogical ones nevertheless. I was bullied because I was the overweight "smart kids" who was different. I never spoke up, I never fought back, and I tended to try to ignore it. Being called names hurt whether or not they are to one's face or behind one's back. I have to see that there are times when in reality I have gotten over it and have moved on. However, the thoughts say otherwise. I have spent my life as a result listened to and cared what others think. Those thoughts are heartbreaking to listen to. How not to listen to them has been difficult. Writing about this is no longer painful and causes waterworks. Writing this has helped me to learn about myself.
The fact that I have been bullied has made me stronger. I have had all of these thoughts for nearly a decade now and I cannot believe that I have survived all of this. The sad truth is that they will always exist for this is an upside battle. The truth of the matter is, I need to affirm myself and fight one thought at at time, one bit of anxiety at a time. I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed over the years and now I have learned that dealing with an issue one at a time has helped me greatly. It is like a building block. Just take one action at a time.
I have thoughts about race and racism. There are things that I have noticed. There is racism in the world. I am a black person so I thought that I should see racism wherever I go. Granted, there is racism everywhere but it is not fair to say that I am a expert on racism, nor do I or should I see racism like every other black person should see it. Some black people are racists or bigots. All of us have prejudged someone, which is unfortunate, but real racism is about power. It is the power to inflict one's prejudice or bigotry on others. It is the ability to discriminate based on race. It has gotten to the point where I worry about race and racism as well as classicism in other countries. There are poor people and there are rich people. There may be or are tendencies but it would be unfair to label an entire country based on a news report or what I have been told by two people on the internet. My obsession on race has been exaggerated to the point that it has been annoying. I obviously know about other things besides race. I have strong views on things and I believe that whatever strong views that I have the OCD latches on to it and race is one of them.
I also have been having sexual obsessions such as crushes and obsessions. I know that I have to make a confession which is embarrassing. I have had crushes and obsessions on celebrities and normal people. It is about the fact that I will never have a man on my own if I keep going the way I have been going. I am or was afraid of having crushes or being obsessed because of what happened in the past. I have done a great job of caring what others think. The best thing for me to do is to confess and move on. What I should do right now is not to care about who I have a crush on or obsess with. It is either Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, George Clooney, or Sage Stallone (who has since passed on). My behavior has been embarrassing when it comes to my crushes and obsessions. I don't feel good about the behavior and the exaggerated thoughts and realizations about these obsessions are so sad. I even question why I have these thoughts about men I will never meet, are unavailable, are dead, or who really don't like me back. I have finally learned to embrace them and realize that if I distract myself and embrace them, I feel like I can move forward.
Hopefully I can finally realize that no matter what thoughts I have, I realize that with every obsessive thought, there is a pattern and a cycle. Also there is a solution.