Jesus saves. How come I have problems believing that for me sometimes? I have been preoccupied with the matter of my soul that I cannot just ignore it. For the past few days I have had issues with my identity in Christ and I sometimes even now, don't know who I am. I am not sure if it is the obsessive thoughts, the enemy, or just me. The Devil is the father of lies so of course he could take advantage of my issues, but is he now? Is it all him? Did he even have something to do with the issues that I have?
Is OCD spiritual? Do I have scrupulosity or is it deception? Have I deceived myself into thinking I am saved? These are some sobering questions. They scare me even. My soul is of the utmost importance because this is about eternity. This is about loving the Lord and living for Him and being with Him for all eternity. How can that happen if I believe that I am still engaged in an affair with the world and am being deceived? I guess that is what it is like to have scrupulosity. Religion cuts to the core of who I am and so do moral issues. I take morality and religion seriously.
I believe I am a Christian. I think I am a Christian. Do I know I am a Christian? I thought I was. Judgement Day scares me now. I am now "envious" of those who know who they are. It has been like this for many many years and I don't know what else to say or what else to do. It hasn't driven me crazy but this past week I had to fight. Fighting hard is all I know how to do. It hasn't been rough but it hasn't been easy either.