Today isn't just a musing, but a reflection. Last year, I wasn't so sure what to call my new blog. Musings was the first thing that came up. I am wondering if I should change the name of my blog since quite a few entries have not really been musings or reflections. Then again, maybe I am wrong. Hopefully, I am wrong.
I was being hopeful and reflective today based on how things were this morning. For the past two days, I have been less stressful about losing weight than at any time. It is because of my diet. I ate only 1400 calories a day now. Well, hopefully I will eat 1400 calories per day maximum. I realize that it doesn't always work that way. I wish to be honest with what I eat and drink though I am not proud when I am over the limit. I am ashamed and that is a lesson that I had to learn.
I have been having obsessive thoughts about MR and his ex-wife CO. Other people's entries and opinions do not matter. If I were to watch a movie or a video they appear in, it is because I am an obsessed fan. There is no other way around it. I was obsessed with both of them. They are divorced and she has the right to write a book about her ex. I don't know her and will never meet her. Nor will I ever meet him. I don't know these people. In the grand scheme of things, none of the obsessive stuff matters. They could be nice or evil people. I don't know.
I have found myself justifying these thoughts and trying to convince myself. I am not confused about these thoughts. They have not been as soothing or kind to me as I thought. They have been nothing but a burden. They have distracted me, bothered me, burdened me, and woken me up. It has been quite confusing. I am drawn to them like a moth to a flame. I have learned to be thankful and to re-direct my thoughts. I have learned to let the thoughts pass. I have to do what is hard, and re-directing and letting the thoughts pass is rather hard.
Do they honor God? No, they do not honor God. Do they honor me? That is obviously not true either. I have asked myself a series of questions not only about the thoughts, but about how I live my life. I needed to take an inventory of my life and myself. I have become more aware today than I have on other days. The feedback of others have become too valuable and mine have not been valuable enough. I care about others, of course, but I have to care about myself too.