Reflections

Today isn't just a musing, but a reflection.  Last year, I wasn't so sure what to call my new blog.  Musings was the first thing that came up.  I am wondering if I should change the name of my blog since quite a few entries have not really been musings or reflections.  Then again, maybe I am wrong.  Hopefully, I am wrong.

I was being hopeful and reflective today based on how things were this morning.  For the past two days, I have been less stressful about losing weight than at any time.  It is because of my diet.  I ate only 1400 calories a day now.  Well, hopefully I will eat 1400 calories per day maximum.  I realize that it doesn't always work that way.  I wish to be honest with what I eat and drink though I am not proud when I am over the limit.  I am ashamed and that is a lesson that I had to learn.

I have been having obsessive thoughts about MR and his ex-wife CO.  Other people's entries and opinions do not matter.  If I were to watch a movie or a video they appear in, it is because I am an obsessed fan.  There is no other way around it.  I was obsessed with both of them.  They are divorced and she has the right to write a book about her ex.  I don't know her and will never meet her.  Nor will I ever meet him.  I don't know these people.   In the grand scheme of things, none of the obsessive stuff matters.  They could be nice or evil people.  I don't know.

I have found myself justifying these thoughts and trying to convince myself.  I am not confused about these thoughts.  They have not been as soothing or kind to me as I thought.  They have been nothing but a burden.  They have distracted me, bothered me, burdened me, and woken me up.  It has been quite confusing.  I am drawn to them like a moth to a flame.  I have learned to be thankful and to re-direct my thoughts.  I have learned to let the thoughts pass.  I have to do what is hard, and re-directing and letting the thoughts pass is rather hard.

Do they honor God?  No, they do not honor God.  Do they honor me?  That is obviously not true either.  I have asked myself a series of questions not only about the thoughts, but about how I live my life.  I needed to take an inventory of my life and myself.  I have become more aware today than I have on other days.  The feedback of others have become too valuable and mine have not been valuable enough.  I care about others, of course, but I have to care about myself too.