Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Why do I really want to lose weight?

That is a question that I need to continually ask myself.    The truth is, I don't know.  The fact that I need to lose weight has been a struggle.  I have been told I need to lose weight.  I am trying to lose weight, but I thought of something this morning:  Am I ready?  Am I really ready to lose weight?  Do I have that desire to lose weight and keep it off?  Am I content with being overweight?

Those are the questions that I have yet to answer myself.  I did all of the wrong things to lose weight. Ironically, I have done many of the right things.  I am starting to apply myself.  Maybe I am seeing things from the wrong perspective.  That is why I haven't been ready.

Well starting today, I have been ready.  I am ready to lose the weight and keep it off.  I am overweight; I am truly self-conscious.  I have a hard time doing things others who are a healthier weight do.  I had difficulty putting on my socks this morning.  However, I can still tie my shoes which is a relief.  I also was concerned about how my clothes fit.  I am okay since I am wearing looser clothes which says something about my comfort level with my weight.

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I wasn't as self-conscious as I am now.  I weigh over 300 lbs and I want to start off slow.  I wish that I could lose weight fast, but losing weight fast is very difficult for me, not to mention not a healthy thing.  I now have diabetes, high blood sugar, and also high cholesterol.  That is not a good combination as I am a 30-something woman who takes a large amount of pills per day.  I guess I am wrong because people of all ages takes medication for whatever condition that they have.  I am also self-conscious about the amount of medication that I take.

I tend to also eat mindlessly and binge.  I am not sure if I have a major issue, but it is an issue nevertheless.  I want to lose weight and I want to be healthy.  I am not a healthy young woman right now and I want to be healthier.  I remember a time when I wasn't diabetic and having to make appointments to several specialists including a nutritionist and an endocrinologist.  I have wondered that if I wasn't overweight would I have developed PCOS.  In other words, does obesity cause PCOS or does PCOS cause obesity.  I do not eat according to the symptoms that I have.

My diet is not healthy but I am trying to work on it.  I know about a lot of things but I have had difficulty applying what I have learned to my own life.  I have spent a long time making meal plans, budgeting, making grocery lists, and reading up on PCOS.  I have learned to respect myself and hold myself accountable.  I have all of the healthy foods in the house but I am the only one who eats them much of the time.  I have quite a few issues with food and I would like to change those habits.

I realize that I have a strong desire to lose weight and keep it off.  I have a set goal in mind.  I would like to lose about 100 lbs.  I would like myself more if I were to lose weight is a flawed mindset.  I would like to like myself no matter what size.  I am self-conscious, yes, but I have learned that joy and happiness should never be determined by a scale number.  Joy and happiness doesn't see size and neither does self-confidence.  I admire those women who are larger or curvier who have it together and don't seem to be self-conscience.  I want that for myself.

I would also like to limit the number of medications that I take throughout the day.  I would also like to fit into clothing that I haven't worn in years.  My desire is not to weigh more than I do because of my health issues.  I know that weight loss is a difficult journey, but does it have to be difficult?  Can I get out of a weight loss plateau without feeling like giving up?  I have every reason to want to eat healthy and move a muscle, sort of speak.  Diet is such a limiting term and so does exercise.  Exercise is a chore and not something that I would like to do.  More than anything, I would like to have my mind renewed and to not let frustrations get to me.

That is what happened. I overate to the point where I have gained nearly all of my weight back and now I have to start all over again.  I felt like the plateau I was in was frustrating when in fact, I was doing something right.  I wish that I thought of that before.  Why didn't I think of that?  Oh well, there is no use crying over spilled milk.  I have now to think about and a future where I can visualize a healthier person.  Losing weight is more than well worth it, it is a journey just like life.  I wish myself luck on this journey and now I know why I desire to lose and why I know what I need to do.
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