Saturday, May 17, 2014

My life as of today

So, what has been going on with me?  Well, I have been ill lately.  Sadly it took me a while to realize that an illness is what puts things into perspective.  I went to physical therapy to exercise and work on my back yesterday and I had to open my eyes.  I had to open my eyes about my weight and myself in general.  I don't like my appearance yet I don't like being sick either.  I am not a rocket science, but it doesn't have to take one to figure out what I need to do.  I need to lose weight but only for myself.  I am not in good health.

I recall a time when my health was so much better.  It was before I gained so much weight.  It was before I have become so anxious.  I remember all of the events like it was yesterday.  It was a week or so before Christmas in 2006.  I was reading random things online and all of a sudden I couldn't get it out of my mind.  I recall not using the internet as much as I once did, so I didn't have many blogs either.  I don't recall having a blog, period.

By 2007 I was anxiety ridden and stopped taking care of myself.  I wonder if that was the reason why I began to gain weight. There may be a link between anxiety and the condition I have now.  I believe that if that were the case then it is a chicken and egg thing.  Did the anxiety cause the PCOS symptoms to at least worsen or did the PCOS make my weight issues and the anxiety worse?  The truth is, I was overweight most of my life.  For a while I felt guilty about being overweight and I looked for inspiration so that I can affirm myself.  Nowadays, it is easier said than done.

Losing weight has been an even bigger struggle for me than it was in the past.  Plus I was at least more active then.  I was overweight sure, but I was never self-conscious about going to a gym.  I am still not but despite my self-consciousness I have become more self-conscious than ever lately.  I wasn't so self-conscious all that much even back then.  I wanted to lose weight and even though my diet was poor I was actually losing weight.  My metabolism wasn't as slow then as it is now.  I was not athlete but I did enjoy going outside and walking and using the gym equipment.

Nowadays, I wish I had that mentality.  Exercise has become a chore and I wonder if I am even physically able to even walk.  I am but I would like to stop procrastinating.  I don't want to live out the rest of my days being so self-conscious and taking so much medication.  I have gotten used to the medication but that doesn't mean I am also self-conscious of the medication.  I am now 60+ pounds heavier than I was when I was first diagnosed as having PCOS and anxiety.  If I could lose the 60 pounds, I realize that I was be satisfied with that, but I would still be too overweight.  If I could lose about 100 pounds, which is my goal, then I would be greater than satisfied.

Having PCOS is something that I wish I had thought about earlier, then maybe something could have been done years ago.  However, there is no crying over spilled milk.  There is nothing I can do about the past.  I do wonder how things would have turned out if I did know about it.  Oh well, I will never truly know.  The best I can do is count my blessings.
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