So, what has been going on with me? Well, I have been ill lately. Sadly it took me a while to realize that an illness is what puts things into perspective. I went to physical therapy to exercise and work on my back yesterday and I had to open my eyes. I had to open my eyes about my weight and myself in general. I don't like my appearance yet I don't like being sick either. I am not a rocket science, but it doesn't have to take one to figure out what I need to do. I need to lose weight but only for myself. I am not in good health.
I recall a time when my health was so much better. It was before I gained so much weight. It was before I have become so anxious. I remember all of the events like it was yesterday. It was a week or so before Christmas in 2006. I was reading random things online and all of a sudden I couldn't get it out of my mind. I recall not using the internet as much as I once did, so I didn't have many blogs either. I don't recall having a blog, period.
By 2007 I was anxiety ridden and stopped taking care of myself. I wonder if that was the reason why I began to gain weight. There may be a link between anxiety and the condition I have now. I believe that if that were the case then it is a chicken and egg thing. Did the anxiety cause the PCOS symptoms to at least worsen or did the PCOS make my weight issues and the anxiety worse? The truth is, I was overweight most of my life. For a while I felt guilty about being overweight and I looked for inspiration so that I can affirm myself. Nowadays, it is easier said than done.
Losing weight has been an even bigger struggle for me than it was in the past. Plus I was at least more active then. I was overweight sure, but I was never self-conscious about going to a gym. I am still not but despite my self-consciousness I have become more self-conscious than ever lately. I wasn't so self-conscious all that much even back then. I wanted to lose weight and even though my diet was poor I was actually losing weight. My metabolism wasn't as slow then as it is now. I was not athlete but I did enjoy going outside and walking and using the gym equipment.
Nowadays, I wish I had that mentality. Exercise has become a chore and I wonder if I am even physically able to even walk. I am but I would like to stop procrastinating. I don't want to live out the rest of my days being so self-conscious and taking so much medication. I have gotten used to the medication but that doesn't mean I am also self-conscious of the medication. I am now 60+ pounds heavier than I was when I was first diagnosed as having PCOS and anxiety. If I could lose the 60 pounds, I realize that I was be satisfied with that, but I would still be too overweight. If I could lose about 100 pounds, which is my goal, then I would be greater than satisfied.
Having PCOS is something that I wish I had thought about earlier, then maybe something could have been done years ago. However, there is no crying over spilled milk. There is nothing I can do about the past. I do wonder how things would have turned out if I did know about it. Oh well, I will never truly know. The best I can do is count my blessings.