Friday, May 16, 2014

How my day and my life have really been

Today I have to say that I fasted, prayed, and read devotionals.  I even listened to the radio and exercised. Despite the day I have been having lately, I have a long way to go in saying that my day is perfect.  The truth is, I wish I could see my self and my world in more of a positive light, but I don't.  I sometimes don't understand or even know what is wrong with me.  I don't want or expect pity.  That isn't why I am typing this.  I want to be set free from this.  I write to express myself and it may take a while to do so.

I have always had to struggle with low self-esteem.  It has been a hard battle because I find myself caring so much what other people think.  Maybe there is a part of me that has not matured or grown up.  Maybe I have not moved on.  I want to people to have good feelings about me but I live in a fantasy world so I wonder if I live in a fantasy world where I put up this wall.  The fantasy world is mentally a world where I can be a different person than I am.

I am good at writing and imagining things, but putting things into practice on a consistent basis has been difficult.  I guess it is difficult for everyone but to me it is a struggle.  Sometimes I feel like I am clueless and lost as to know what to do.  I feel disconnected from the world and from God and that is a lonely feeling to have.  I expect a mighty move of God yet I seem to get nothing but silence.  It can be unbearable in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I just make things harder for myself than I have been.

I wonder if there is something that I am not doing.  Everything is a chore and I have a hard time concentrating.  It is hard to focus on important things unless they are affecting me personally, or so it seems. Sometimes whenever I am focused, it seems to become obsessive.  I am well-aware that I have a problem and everything seems to be a cycle, even my prayers become a part of the cycle.  How do I get out of the cycle of eating and weight gain, infidelity stories, and living in reality?  But what if my fantasy world is my reality?  What if this is it?  There are times when I felt like giving up and there are times when I am hopeful. Hopefully after I write this, I will become more hopeful.
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