Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Introducing my OCD Persona

What shall I call the woman who has troubled me all these years?  This woman is not my friend.  She is a rather toxic person who has been causing me much distress.  I don't know her name, which escapes me, but it is as if I have known her all of my life.  All that she has brought me is grief and years of regret.  She is not a nice person yet she has become a part of me.  As you can see, I have had OCD for a long time now.  I will miss her, but at the same time, I will be glad when she leaves.

Her thinking is irrational.  People cheat.  Couples divorce.  People don't like each other.  Some people are better off when they are apart.  No gender, race, or age is immune.  Some people are good people and some are bad people.  Cheating doesn't make one a good person but one does not have to be a bad person to cheat, if that makes any sense.  That is what I believe, right or wrong.  That is just how I see things.  The OCD persona seems to delve into the deepest part of who I am, I mean who I am not.  She is judgmental of adulterers, especially female ones.  She is mean and so anxiety-ridden she is not irrational and she has had me confused.

I couldn't live without her by my side so she is quite annoying.  I can and am finally annoy her for who she is. Though she doesn't have a specified name, I know who she is and what she is about.  She is her own distinct personality and I just don't like her.  She wants me to become like her and I wish that she would just go away.  Realistically, she won't.  I hate to say that she will always be a part of my life but that is what it seems to be.

She kept me away from what I desire to do, like have fun.  I have to always walk on eggshells with her.  It is as if I needed approval from her.  I have done a good job engaging in avoidance because of her.  I am filled at times with regret because of her.  She has not driven me to the edge, but I became just as anxiety-ridden as her.  She has caused me to have doubts.

Everything seemed so real because my mind was playing tricks on me, even with characters other people create.  A woman gets caught cheating on her husband in a movie.  How do I feel about it?  That has got to be an embarrassing situation and a hurtful one at that.  She has to be feeling horrible about what she is doing. Regardless of who did what in the marriage, it is her fault, not his.  Is she a bad person?  I don't know.  I am not the guilty party, but Jesus forgave the adulteress, and if the adulteress in question were a real person, then she will have to suffer the consequences of her actions and will be forgiven.  Adultery is destructive and it just hurts.  How will I know that if I have no idea what it is like to become a cheater or the one cheated on?  I am drawn to stories about infidelity and even want to read books about it, only to regret it.

I have allowed the OCD Persona to worry even scare me.  I am fearful of anything that can trigger an obsessive thought, so I have engaged in avoidance.  Now here is the same situation from the OCD Persona's perspective.  A woman gets caught cheating on her husband in a movie.  She is a horrible person who doesn't deserve her husband who loved her and respected her.  I don't want them to divorce but whatever regret and pain that comes her way, she is deserving of it.  There is no mercy for women who cheat.  If that were a cheating man then it wouldn't bother me as much.  I just hate cheating women more than I do cheating men, especially if they cheat with numerous men.  Cheating women are more immoral compared to cheating men.  I have no love or respect for them.  Forgiveness for cheating women are hard to come by.  I have to find out what happens to her.  I have to avoid any traces of infidelity because I hate them.  I have to avoid it because of my hatred for them.  Cheating women are foolish and not good people.  Maybe she should be killed by her cuckolded husband, or even beaten.

Men cheat and it is more normal.  Cheating women are also fools, much bigger than the men, even though I can find it more forgivable when a man cheats.  How can she love anyone but herself whenever she cheats?  Why did she do it?  I see things from the man's point of view.  I don't like divorce, but if they do, then she should suffer.  Men who cheat are wrong, but women who cheat are bad.

Wow.  It is powerful.  I am glad that I am a different person from the one who is the OCD Persona.  I have come to realize that I can separate myself from the OCD Persona.  I got anxious as I was writing this.  It has not been easy identifying both persona's.  It can be daunting at times, but at least anything is possible.  While truth can be stranger than fiction, I wonder how she really feels about me.  Why do I have specific thoughts? Can I truly live without her?  Who am I to judge?  I know that believers will judge the angels and that we are to judge in a godly way, but we are all adulterers.  I realize that why I have it is just one of those uncertainties that I will never get a true answer for.
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