Friday, May 9, 2014

A believer who has OCD

Today, nothing is bothering me.  However, I wish I knew right now what to write about....

Oh yes, I remember what to write about.  It is about my life as a Christian who have OCD.  It is time that I make no more excuses for sinful behavior such as gluttony.  I sometimes hate the phrase "failure is not an option", but at other times I like it.  No one wants to fail, but the reality is, as flawed human beings, we do so.  As I am typing this right now, someone has failed at something.  Such is life.

I have been a Christian for a while now and the truth is, I don't know when was the last time I can safely say I became a believer in Christ.  I have been having doubts about being a believer for many years now.  I know that nothing can separate believers from God's love, but sometimes I feel that way.  I even have doubts concerning my doubts.  Maybe it is the OCD.  I have been diagnosed as having OCD for a number of years now and needless to say, some days have been better than others.

I have been doubtful and obsessed about a number of things, namely infidelity, religion, and race and racism. I wasn't so sure how others would react to my having OCD.  It is not an easy condition to have.  There is so much guilt and doubt.  I can relate to the guilt not only as an OCD sufferer, but also as a Christian.  I scrutinize every area of my life to see if even this is obsessive.  I do tend to check on things by reading stories, asking people questions, and prayer.

As a believer in Christ, I am supposed to know that I am a believer because I am to walk in faith and know God's voice.  How come it is much harder for me to walk in faith whenever I am "clouded" by doubt.  I recall James 1 that doubters are unstable in all of their ways.  Do I doubt God's salvation and therefore I am not a believer?  What is wrong with me?  I wish I knew.

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