I have something to confess. I am in denial when it comes to my weight. I have seen reflections and have taken selfies concerning my looks. I am and have remained self-conscious about my weight. I don't think I am attractive enough mostly because of my weight. I weighed over 300 lbs. and I realized that I don't want to remain complacent at my weight. This has not been easy nor has it been that hard to admit. I don't want to spend time posting those pictures because I have a fear that others will laugh at me. I don't feel so great about myself because I am so self-conscious. I don't have a proportional, curvy body and that is why I feel so self-conscious. I feel like I don't have a womanly shape to my body. I just don't see myself as a beautiful woman. I know if I were thinner, things would change. That is what I don't want to admit. Thinner people can and do in some cases have it easier in terms of how others view them and their overall health. I take too much time listening to the world instead of listening to the Voice of God. He has shown me that I was in denial about myself and my weight.
While it is true that I listen to the voices of the world, I have gotten complacent. I am complacent, but not comfortable being clinically obese. I haven't been treated badly or anything like that, but I realize that there are things that I would like to be able to do and clothes I will be able to wear if I were thinner. Others who are thinner and healthier tend to take things for granted. However, I cannot and don't. It is not easy always being overweight. Yes, it is true that I don't like living in a world where I would be judge because of my size and yes, it is true that I don't like the messages the negative and cruel messages the world has about overweight and obese people. Those are true. However, I want to lose weight and not for the judgments. I want to lose weight not for society.
I admit that my reasons can be shallow. I most of all want to lose weight because I want to fit in my clothes better, I want to look better and feel better about myself. I am not saying that only thin people are beautiful or have high self-esteem but I have to be honest. I have to no longer be in denial. I realize that I am being hypocritical and even judgmental, but I also realize that I am a person who sees the beauty in others but can barely see it in myself. Now I realize that I need a change in my mindset and I need a change in my overall goals. I also realize that I even have my own standard of what is beautiful despite what I just wrote earlier. Now I am confused. I just have no real clue what is truly beautiful and what I, Gail Gerald, truly want. As I write this, I find myself somewhat confused and in wonderment. Why is that, I wonder? My guess is because of the anxiety that I have as far as self-discovery goals. I really don't know exactly what I want to do. I want to listen to my own voice and to God's voice. What is my standard of beauty? How much do I want to lose? Who am I, really? What are my real-life core goals? Those are the questions that I have to ask myself before I have to and need to start any weight loss "program" for myself.