Sunday, August 30, 2015

In denial and in need of some real, personal goals

I have something to confess.  I am in denial when it comes to my weight.  I have seen reflections and have taken selfies concerning my looks.  I am and have remained self-conscious about my weight. I don't think I am attractive enough mostly because of my weight.  I weighed over 300 lbs. and I realized that I don't want to remain complacent at my weight.  This has not been easy nor has it been that hard to admit.  I don't want to spend time posting those pictures because I have a fear that others will laugh at me.  I don't feel so great about myself because I am so self-conscious.  I don't have a proportional, curvy body and that is why I feel so self-conscious.  I feel like I don't have a womanly shape to my body.  I just don't see myself as a beautiful woman.  I know if I were thinner, things would change.  That is what I don't want to admit.  Thinner people can and do in some cases have it easier in terms of how others view them and their overall health.  I take too much time listening to the world instead of listening to the Voice of God.  He has shown me that I was in denial about myself and my weight.

While it is true that I listen to the voices of the world, I have gotten complacent. I am complacent, but not comfortable being clinically obese.  I haven't been treated badly or anything like that, but I realize that there are things that I would like to be able to do and clothes I will be able to wear if I were thinner.  Others who are thinner and healthier tend to take things for granted. However, I cannot and don't.  It is not easy always being overweight.  Yes, it is true that I don't like living in a world where I would be judge because of my size and yes, it is true that I don't like the messages the negative and cruel messages the world has about overweight and obese people.  Those are true. However, I want to lose weight and not for the judgments.  I want to lose weight not for society.

I admit that my reasons can be shallow.  I most of all want to lose weight because I want to fit in my clothes better, I want to look better and feel better about myself.  I am not saying that only thin people are beautiful or have high self-esteem but I have to be honest.  I have to no longer be in denial. I realize that I am being hypocritical and even judgmental, but I also realize that I am a person who sees the beauty in others but can barely see it in myself.  Now I realize that I  need a change in my mindset and I need a change in my overall goals.  I also realize that I even have my own standard of what is beautiful despite what I just wrote earlier.  Now I am confused.  I just have no real clue what is truly beautiful and what I, Gail Gerald, truly want.  As I write this, I find myself somewhat confused and in wonderment.  Why is that, I wonder?  My guess is because of the anxiety that I have as far as self-discovery goals.  I really don't know exactly what I want to do.  I want to listen to my own voice and to God's voice.  What is my standard of beauty?  How much do I want to lose?  Who am I, really?  What are my real-life core goals?  Those are the questions that I have to ask myself before I have to and need to start any weight loss "program" for myself.
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