Is this normal?

Have I really thought things through?  Really.  There are times when I don't wish to lose weight.  Do I want to lose weight?  Do I really need to lose weight?  The desire is not there.  As I type this, I am surprised by my candor.  But at the same time, I wonder if I am taking a risk.  Have I really thought this through?  I talk a good game but my heart isn't in it.  I want to do the right thing for myself and my overall health, but there are other factors to other factors to consider.  My mind and heart have to be in it, but I have to realize how risky it is.  I wonder if my feelings are normal.  I have diabetes.  I have PCOS.  I am self-conscious.  I have low self-esteem.  Those are the five reasons why losing weight is vital for me.  But like I said, are my heart and mind into it.  I have made so little progress in losing weight that it scares me that I have this mindset.  Losing weight is hard.  But having this mindset and not knowing about weight loss is even scarier.  Also, coupled with the facts that I weigh so much and have a high Body Mass Index and my insight may not be normal to most, but to be honest, that is how I feel.  Why do I really want to lose weight?  Is it for me?  Is it for other people?  I feel so selfish and so blinded.  I wonder what is really going on with me.