Wednesday, April 20, 2016

My autobiography part 2, (at least a part of it)

Anyways, I don't have the social life that I would like to have.  However, I am proud to have the comforts of home, health (what I have), and love.  That is something I am thankful for.  This morning I was reading up an article about racism and how it permeates every aspect of our lives.  I began to look forward to Jesus' return.  Without Him, I believe that there would be no hope.  Racism will come to an end.  Sadly, I have no idea how to become a salt and light to the world.  I have had this feeling for years that I need to carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, whether it is personal relationships or infidelity.

I have had thoughts about infidelity for many years now and though it has gotten easier, I am not cured. It is discouraging to know that I will never be cured.  I did pray for a cure, however.  I also had obsessive thoughts (and obsessions), about other people, namely famous people, living or dead, other countries and their issues, politics, and I have the fear of going to Hell.  I have had fears of getting hit, yelled at, or that something bad will happen to me.  Sometimes the anxiety is more intense.

I often don't know what to do, or say, but now I have finally realized that I need to see the obsessions and compulsions differently.  I have noticed that what is mundane becomes exaggerated.  I have even written stories about them.  Of course, they mirror my thoughts, but I become anxious even judgmental with people who do wrong, despite the fact that that is what I do.  It is as if I am a hypocrite.  How do I get to the point of acceptance?  Right now, I am starting to understand.  I am glad that things haven't worsened, though it took many years to do so.

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