Sunday, July 9, 2017

"Just When I Need Him" by Sisters


This beautiful is a reminder that my life can be inspired by a song.  I prayed about my life and what I needed for You.  I thank You for I see what I am in truly in need of.  I have been obsessed with losing weight, but being on Weight Watchers has done much to expose what has really gotten wrong with me.  I find myself being compared (by me, of course) to other people.  I even found myself looking in the mirror at times more so than I once did.  Now that I finally realize that I truly have an obsession, how do I overcome decades long issues with issues of love for self, weight loss, health, and guilt.  I want to be considered attractive by a man and get married and have children.  I have trouble seeing myself in a positive light as I have often felt guilty about gaining weight over the years.  For a long time, I have had a set time or a set number of calories, rules and regulations, and weight number.  I knew that something wasn't right, but it has finally taken until tonight to confirm what I already knew.

Not only do I need to get healthy by losing weight, I need to love and respect myself.  I have struggled to do that, for I have been self-conscious about my weight and my appearance.  I found myself being fun of and feeling that I wasn't well liked.  I have lately had moments of when food became a compulsion and a relief from the cares of my life, which included a lack of awareness of true hunger, compulsion and anxiety, and caring so much about what other thought.  I just stopped caring.  I wanted to lose the extra weight, but whenever things went bad, I purchased candy, cakes, cookies, soda, and chips.  I was fooling myself into thinking that I am a young woman who can still eat anything that I wanted without consequence.  Well, that turned out to be a lie.

I am a clinically obese pcos sufferer with diabetes, emotional issues, and anxiety and have remained so for the last ten years and that is another root of why I feel like I am in a hurry to lose weight.  Another reason is that I am over 40.  I know that it will take a while longer to lose weight after that age, but deep down, there is this correlation that I missed out.  I also realized that because I thought I missed out.  I was thin, desired by men, never been kissed, never been married with children, and never going to the beach in a bikini before 40, I have missed out.  I am going through a midlife crisis I guess.

I need help.  How do I overcome this?  Maybe it is not I who has to do it, for Your Word says that you do the work.  I thank You that it finally took this day to see that I have a problem.  I also thank You for forgiveness of sin, for I ask for forgiveness of my sins.  I also thank You in advance for Your answer or answers to my prayer.

In Jesus' name,

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