Happy Birthday

Today I turn 39 years old.  I don't think of myself as a 38 year old, but I realize that I have some growing up to do.  Today has been a good day for me.  There is so much it seems that I need to do.  I just realize that fears can be faced and fears can be conquered.  I have learned much today.

"I Feel Like Praising Him" by Shirley Caesar

There is nothing in the world like praising God.  Hallelujah!  Glory to the Most High!  Thank You, Jesus!  Hallelujah!

False Evidence Appearing Real

I am doing pretty well today despite my back pain.  Exercise is good for the mind as well as the body.  I love to exercise but I wasn't sure if I was physically able to exercise the way I am doing such today.  Excuses are like fear.  They both hold a person back.  Fear is false evidence appearing real.  When one lives in a fantasy world, fear is the master.  Faith is not the evidence of things unseen but the evidence of what is uncertain.  The best thing to do is to face one's fear and live in the real world.  That is the best way to conquer fear and realize that there is Someone greater than fear.  He cares about us and He will help us face and conquer our fears.

How to face my fears...

I need to face and conquer my fears.  I admit it.  I am fearful of everything and of other people.  I am scared.  I need help and I don't know what to do.  I want to overcome my fears so much.  It is tormenting to have fear in one's life.  It could even paralyze a person.  Being anxious and fearful is not a good way to live.  I wonder what I should do.  To be courageous, one has to face that fear and to fear God is the best fear to live.  The only thing one has to fear is fear itself.  I wonder if it means to face my fears.  I know that if I could face my fears, then I can face my anxieties.  I fear the unknown and the worst case scenario.  It is hard but I have to work at it and I am so tired of the drama of being fearful all of the time.  I wish I knew how to conquer those fears.  All I can do is cast all of my cares to God.

Learning to eat to live..in moderation of course.

I have heard the expression about eat to live not live to eat.  That statement is something that I can relate to.  For too long, I lived to eat.  It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I lived to eat because I was bored, or thought I was hungry.  I didn't realize that I had a problem until I weighed over 300 lbs.  I was unhealthy and stressed out.  I know I sound like a broken record, but it is true.  The plan for me is to eat to live though I didn't get that fully.  I never really practiced that because I am struggling to eat healthy and in moderation.  No matter information I get, I am still struggling.  I realized that not only do I have to watch what I eat, but apply what I have learned to my own life.  That is easier said than done, but it is getting easier.  I have learned that one has to make small changes in order to make a big impact.

Beauty

I wondered now if the real reason I was going to lose weight was so that I can feel better about myself.  I have issues with having low self-esteem and it is a plague that I wish I could be cured of right away.  It has been bothering me for years.  I have been looking at pics and drawings of overweight people and they have inspired me.  Beauty come in all forms, sizes, shapes, and colors.  We often judge a book by its cover too much.  Many assume that a fat person eats junk food, has poor hygiene, is lazy, and has low self-esteem.

Anyone who is willing to pose nude has got to have some courage somewhere.  I don't advocate pornography; I am advocating artistic and tasteful nudes.  I have been looking at Leonard Nimoy's pics and I see women who are larger as beautiful human beings.  Everyone has someone who they are attracted to, but to mistreat a person who a person finds unattractive is nothing short of a sin.  It is wrong.  The truth is, almost no one fits the Eurocentric standard of beauty placed on Americans.  Most men would have to work hard at looking like Randy Orton; most women would have to work extra hard to look like a supermodel.  Most people don't look like Randy Orton or a supermodel and that is okay.  There is nothing wrong with that. 

Being a fat person myself, I have projected my insecure feelings about being overweight to others and that is just as wrong.  I didn't want to admit it, but it is true.  I only see a certain body type as beautiful and often feel sorry for the person who looks most like me.  I do get the pretty face, but need to lose weight comments.  I have been made fun of.  I have been judged and called names.  It is cruel and hurtful and I don't wish those things on anyone.  I for one live in a cruel, cold society in which it seems I don't belong just because of my body type.  I am an alternative.  I am a real woman with full lips, a wide nose, and have dark skin.  I live in a society of size 2s with preferably thinner physiques, longer hair, and lighter to tan skin and those women are considered beautiful.

I prayed that I no longer have those issues.  I know I needed to change.  I needed to redefine the definition of beauty.  Is beauty about the inner man?  Is it about the outer man?  Is it both?  Judging a book by its cover has always occurred, yet do we often consider the inner beauty of man?  I don't think we do, until someone shows them who they really are.  When a person shows who they really are, they no longer become beautiful.  A person who is physically attractive who is rude, self-centered, dishonest, and ill-mannered is not a beautiful person in my eyes.  On the other hand, a person who has stretchmarks, is short, and has a heavier body type who is well-mannered, polished, kind, and generous is beautiful in my eyes.  One doesn't have to look perfect to be beautiful.  Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder yet beauty isn't always subjective and hopefully I have shown that.

Being a doer

I find myself doing something different and doing what I love to do now and that is exercising.  It has helped me with my mind.  I feel accomplished and so much healthier.  Now only if I could eat in moderation.

Eating in moderation is quite difficult at times.  I should have eaten one serving of spaghetti and meatballs or half a sandwich.  I know that I should have written this in the diet and food blog, but I felt it is important to write here.

Why?  Because I have mused much about my eating habits and my exercise regimen.  It has been stressing me out for a long time and now it seems like I am getting the hang of things.  I have made mistakes along the way, but now I can actually be a doer.

I have lost weight with support, prayer, accountability, and being a doer.  The Bible talks about being a doer.  One who is a doer doesn't forget looking in the mirror after viewing their reflection.  It is a paraphrase of a verse that is written in the book of James.  Being a doer is being accountable and taking action.

There is nothing in the world like taking action and taking one's power back.  I have learned never, ever let anyone or anything take your power.  Fight for what is rightfully mine and never give up.  Sadly it took almost forever to realize that and now I am the better for it.

Wonderment

I have wondered about the Lord.  Some of the questions seem silly in the grand scheme of things because I should know the answers.  However, the truth is, I don't.  This is true since I am a flawed human being who daily wrestles with her sinful nature. 

I even wondered who created God.  Did God create Himself?  Was there a time when He didn't exists and that there is something greater than even Him?  This is quite silly and even insulting but at times I have questions that don't seem to make sense.  I tend to think outside the box and this is one of those moments.

Most people ask why God allows people to suffer?  Why do the good suffer while the not-so-good prosper?  It is amazing that we have questions that we don't understand and that God has the answers to them, no matter how far we think outside the box or how silly they seem.  I do wonder if there are any dumb questions with God.  But are there such things as dumb questions since He knows what we are going to ask before we ask of Him.

It is amazing that there is an infinite, all-knowing, all-seeing God who knows what we think.  It is an amazing or what should be to some, a scary thing.

The Emmys

The "Emmys" will air tonight.  I look forward to what the stars are wearing, but that is it.  I have no clue all of the shows that are on tv since I don't watch them.  I believe that it is a classy affair in which people will be on their best behavior, so I shouldn't worry, right?  Wrong.  I worry that someone will be humiliated or there will be the awkward moment that the wrong name will be called.  That is one of the reasons why I hate award shows.  It is just an irrational fear that I have.  Maybe I just take them too seriously.  I am not a tv or movie star, so why do I have this fear?  It makes no sense but that is something that I have confessed that is weird.  Nothing has happened thus far.

Spiritual warfare

Spiritual warfare is vital to the Christian.  We are not fighting flesh and blood though it seems that way sometimes.  There are so many things that the enemy throw at us like fear, doubt, and self-loathing.  I can relate.  But God has given us the weapons that we need to fight them.  I am thankful for that.

I have obsessive thoughts and mood swings that occur often.  They both can be difficult to manage.  I have a list of obsessive thoughts that I wrote earlier yet ironically I can barely read them for fear of them triggering an obsessive thought.  That is how rough my obsessive thoughts are.

I feel like giving up, but that is where spiritual warfare comes in.  There is plenty of a lack of self-esteem mixed with these thoughts and you have a candidate for spiritual warfare.  Oh, I am also a Christian dealing with those things daily.

Prayer is a strong weapon, if not the strongest weapon a believer has.  The Bible says that we are to pray without ceasing.  We have many weapons at our disposal and they have to do with prayer which has to do with faith and hope.  If we pray to the Lord in His name for guidance and for strength in this time, then He will do it. 

So I am only writing this to let the reader know that there is hope in the midst of trials.  The word also says that no weapon formed against us shall prosper.  We are not to be defeated because the devil has already been defeated.

The importance of a person's character

A person's character is very important to me.  Looks are important, but not vital to a mate.  I have thought about getting married.  I am single and it is a good thing to be single but it can be lonely.  I am not going to go into what I want in a mate, but character is the most important thing.  I rather mate with an "average-looking" man with a beautiful heart and soul than a  "good-looking" man with neither a heart nor soul.  This is an example of never judging a book by its cover.  A godly person is supposed to look at the inner man and not focus so much on the outer being.  It is okay to look for a person who is physically attractive because they take care of themselves.  But a pretty package isn't an appealing present once you don't like what is inside.  Too often the world focuses on the color of one's skin instead of the color of one's heart.  We live in a world where people are divided and are a part of the problem instead of the solution to "the issue of race and skin color".  That is just an example of what I look for in a person.

Examples of thoughts

I have written some stories a few years ago that have mimicked my thoughts.  They were so exaggerated that I am anxious whenever I read them.  I wonder if these stories are about asking for reassurance.  Interesting I wrote that because I have learned to better manage the obsessive thoughts that I have.

Here are a few of these made up stories.  They are a mirror of my thoughts and reflect the worst-case scenario about infidelity.

-A woman and her husband do not get along. The husband also has affairs as well, but the wife is
a nymphomaniac. Upwards of 14 + affairs, including one of his friends, the postman, a truck
driver, and the owner of the grocery stores amongst many others.
-A man marries a rather immature woman. The couple has a solid marriage, most of the time.
What makes her so immature is that she cheats on her husband everytime she gets her way or
when gets angry with him. So far, she's had 23 other guys.
-A man murdered his wife and family when he discovers his wife slept with over 36 men and the
children are not his. They had 2 children together, or so it seems. He was an abusive man who
had a low sperm count and the wife wanted a baby, so she sleeps around on him. So he finds
out about the affairs and takes it out on the wife and the kids. He is caught and arrested. He
gets served with life in prison.
-Six of the couple's 7 children are not his. The wife and husband on the surface has a good
marriage, but the husband is a good man. The wife outside of the affairs is a very sweet,
charming and engaging woman who has had 33 affairs on him. She cares for her husband
deeply and loves him very much, but she is not always happy. She likes the attention of other
men and has a hard time saying no. The husband loves her too but they have problems just like
every other couple. The wife knows the children are not his and the husband suspects it. He
later finds out and the couple divorce which causes the wife to go into a depression.
-A man thought he had that his two kids was his, but because of his ex-wife's promiscuity, he
finds out that they weren't his. His wife had sex with 20 men that he is aware of. He is angry
because the court ruled in favor of her. She cheated on him because he is disabled and wasn't
there physically for his work because he had to work. So he pays alimony and his disability
check money to her and two kids that wasn't his. She has since living with a new man and is
planning to marry this new man.
-A man's wife screws everybody. Her husband is never home and she is lonely so she looks
elsewhere. She has slept in the neighborhood of 45 men, so it is literally not every
body. It just
seems that way. One version has him, her husband, finding out and divorcing her. Another
version has him taking the matter in his own hands by stabbing her to death. The guy gets 20 years.

My mind with OCD

My mind is clear.  I feel very good right now.  My mind is calm.  That is a key to managing OCD, having a calm mind.  A person having a calm mind also has a calm body in my belief.  However, that is just anxiety.  Life is difficult per se, but I hate having these thoughts sometimes.  I often have thoughts about bullying and infidelity.  I wonder why people do the things they do.  It makes no sense to me but the OCD has a mind of its own.  It is up to me to decide whether or not I control what comes out of my head or if my mind controls me.  I will always have thoughts, but what do I do with them?  Do I "expose" the thoughts for what they really are, or do I ruminate over them, tell a story of those thoughts, and try to let the thoughts pass?  I like the first option better, but writing exposes the thoughts and help to let them pass.  Ruminating over the thoughts produce more anxiety and keeps one busy with the thoughts.  Try putting myself in those situations is next to impossible as well because each scenario is the opposite of what I am.  I am not a serial adulteress and I haven't been bullied lately.  Why do I have these thoughts?  I have my theories, but I realize that does not matter, especially when I consider the grand scheme of things.  They are insignificant though they don't always seem to be sometimes.  The truth is, they just don't matter.  It will never change or solve anything.  That is my musing for today.

Random musings

I wonder if there are things that have no boundaries.  Does love have a boundary?  Does hatred have a boundary?  I would think in the world we live in there would be some boundaries.  I can't imagine living my life so boundless and limitless.  Having boundaries is one thing, but having limits can be a problem.  For instance, we all have to eat and do things in moderation, but sometimes limiting what we eat or do doesn't necessarily mean balance.  It could be a misunderstanding of what is balanced.  Instead, it could be just limited.

Friends come a dime a dozen because there are those in the world who show themselves trustworthy and know how to earn respect.  Those people are the loyal and steadfast.  A true friends reveals their true colors when troubles arise.  They show who they are not only in the dark but also when things are dark.  A true friend is rare it seems, but I hope I am wrong on that.  They will have a conscious but they won't have a "regret" because they show you who they truly are.

I care what others think too much.  I have low self-esteem and I am woman enough to admit it.  I even have obsessive thoughts about being picked on and being bullied.  I was given a hard time by others and it seems as if they cared little to none about my feelings.  My feelings not only got hurt but my pride.  Never let anyone take away your power and sense of control.  Bullying is mostly about power and control.

"Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden

I often wondered what this song was about.  As a believer, I wondered if it were about the end of days or was it about something else.

"The Prayer" by Yolanda Adams and Donnie McClurkin

"The Prayer" no matter who sings it, is such a beautiful song.  This version, by Yolanda Adams and Donnie McClurkin is amazing.

"Thank You Lord..." by Walter Hawkins

Thank you God for giving me another day, another chance to become a better individual, another chance to give and experience love. Thank you God for giving me health, for the food you provide, for the awareness you have awaken in me...Thank you for the energy that feeds my soul, the sun that warms our bodies and the air that fills our lungs... Because of you I believe in the good without the bad and the ugly, because of you I am learning to love and accept myself, because of you I believe in believing. My source, stay connected to me today and always, for I need you in order to fullfill my spiritual tasks...God, show me how to love myself, to be able to love others. Help me become the type of person that I would like to befriend, help me forgive myself and forgive others... God, make me a channel of your energy and help me understand. I thank you God for giving me another day, another unused opportunity to do it right. Keep us all close to you and listen to our prayers.Amen.

Research

Yesterday, I wrote about possibilities.  I have been doing research on housing.  I would like to know where to live but first I need to do some research.  How can I know if I don't research?  I have no witty quotes about research but I know that there are many issues that I have to consider.  I would like to be more independent so I am not taking this lightly.  I am taking this very seriously.

Possibilities

Nothing is possible without making plans.  Nothing is possible without God's guidance either.  I have been frustrated at the situation within me.  I realize that I am a thin-skinned person who needs to move on.  Not learn to move on, but move on, which is beneficial for me.  I have plans to move out of my parent's house and to go to school.  I want to be a Network and Data Systems Analyst.  They deal with the inner workings of computers including WAN and LAN.  My plans are not complete, but at least I finally have plans.

"Battle is Not Yours" by Yolanda Adams

I believe that God is indeed the General.  He is not a co-pilot.  That implies that I am on equal standing with God, which I am not.  Take the battle to the Lord, for it will be obvious to all of us that we cannot make it on our own.

"Golden" by Jill Scott

This is one of those moments where I can simply say that I am far behind when it comes to modern music.  Yes, I know that lady is singer Jill Scott.  However, I know her more for her acting than I do for her music.  I don't know any of her songs except for this one.  Last week was the first time I actually listened to this song even though this song is years old.  Yep, I am that far behind.

Denying oneself

What does it mean to "die to self"?  Is it even in the Bible?  I don't know if those exact words are in the Bible, but it means to deny oneself, which is in the Bible.  There are things in the Bible that are not worded, like Rapture, but it doesn't mean that it does not exist.  The rapture exists and Jesus is coming quickly, and may be sooner than we think.  I am not a Bible scholar, but I do know that only those who deny themselves daily will have an understanding of the rapture of the church that others don't have.

Dying to self is to deny oneself, as I have mentioned before.  We are to take up our cross daily.  Cast our burdens over to the Lord and He will take care of and sustain us.  He is the God of miracles and the One who knows all that is going on in the world.  God is the One who truly judges.  This I do know.

God has given us a plan and purpose for our lives.  There is just so much that He can do.  I as a human being cannot comprehend it.  It is now getting hard to understand what it means to deny myself as I am trying to write this.  But I believe that it is about serving God and God only.  We are to take up our cross even to the detriment of our own lives on this planet.

Only those who deny themselves and take up their crosses are the ones who will be raptured.  Jesus will return to those who are pure in heart, sanctified, washed in the Blood, saved, and have endured to the end.  I don't know when He will return, or how many people, but those who are pure in heart shall see God.  Those who are the truly saved are the truly sanctified who have been washed in the Blood and have endured until the end.  Endurance cannot be possible unless one takes up their cross and follow Him. 

It took me until this past 24 hours to realize that what was wrong with me was that I have not fully surrendered to the Lord.  I have not denied myself.  I have also not taken up my cross.  My life has been a cycle of doing the same things over and over and over again and expecting different results.  My weight loss routine is a classic example of this.  Insanity is really a cycle of doing the same things over and over again and expecting something different.  Being cured from insanity requires a denial of oneself.  I am not a god, nor do I have the power to deny myself by myself.  I just don't have that kind of power, but God does. 

So what does it mean to deny myself? It means to sacrifice.  It is not optional to deny oneself.  We are to become unselfish human beings and to be bound to Jesus Christ.  We are not only to acknowledge Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior but to surrender, give, love, serve, and endure for Jesus.  We are wrestling against principalities and against our "sin nature".  But we are overcomers who live and walk in the Spirit.  That is what God's word says, and we shall live that way as well.

Writing random things about self-control

I am working on my self-control issues and it can be difficult to exhibit self-control.  At least for me it is.   Having self-control is very important to me, and I am sure that it is important to everyone else.  Having self-control means to have self-restraint.  A person who lacks self-control lacks restraint.  They can be counted on because people who have restraint can keep a level head and lead a healthy lifestyle.  A lack of self-control exhibits not only a lack of restraint but a seeming lack of peace in one's life.  It is difficult to live and function well when one lacks self-control and not end up suffering the consequences for that lack of self-control or rather, self-restraint.

Strengths and Areas in need of improvement

Strengths and Areas in need of improvement
Strengths

• Weight loss: 27 lbs.
  
• Knowledge of following a schedule
  
• Cut back on fried foods
  
• Cut back on unhealthy snacks
  
• Able to assess strengths and weaknesses
  
• Affirm myself
  
• Respect myself
  
• Willing to set goals and stick to them
  
• Spiritual person who loves the Lord
  
• Don’t drink a lot of soda unless it is a 0 calorie soda I drink every once in a while
  
• Drink on average 8 cups of water a day
  
• Does eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, dairy, and proteins
  
• Asks God to continually renew my mind
  
• Despite being at a plateau, slowly continuing to lose weight
  
• Taking vitamins, supplements, and being more holistic
  
• Begun to know more about myself
  
• Set plan is coming to play
  
• Have many meal plans at my disposal
  
• Have great insight into what I am going to do with my plan due to light-bulb moments
  
• Eat in moderation for breakfast and dinner
  
• Moving around and relatively active
  

Areas in need of improvement

• Binging
  
• Don’t always eat in moderation
  
• Mindless eating
  
• Don’t exercise as much as I should
  
• Too sedentary
  
• Fear of eating too few calories thinking I will fail
  
• Despite losing weight, currently at a weight loss plateau
  
• Overwhelmed and stressed out
  
• Inconsistent with meal plans and set plans in the past
  
• Eat too many processed, sweet, and fried foods and not enough fruits, vegetables, and whole grains
  
• Need to be appreciative of the fact that I lost weight
  
• Don’t always snack in moderation
  
• Have much information at my disposal that is overwhelming to follow
  
• Difficulty counting calories and carbs; rely too much on counting calories
  
• Drink too much juice and sugary drinks
  

Weight loss goals

I had to realize with a little help about my weight loss goals.  My goals are to lose 5-6 lbs for now.  I would like to weigh between 190-220 pounds at the moment.  The truth is, I am not sure how much I want to weigh because it has been years since I weighed that much.  My desire and plan is to eat between 2100 and 2150 calories per day until the 26th of this month. 

Now I need to know how to be consistent with this plan and stick with it.  I will drink only 4-6oz. of juice when needed and test blood sugar twice a day.  I am now exercising but I have to make adjustments because of back pain. But I will be okay.

Here are some mathematical formulas for me to use in order to make this plan successful:
food = medicine
calories = budget
carbohydrates = budget
exercise = fun
Here is a note.  Exercise is not a chore.  It should be fun and promote health.
I live to eat, but I should eat to live.

I have finally realized that there are some alternatives to calorie counting.  Calorie counting has become a chore and one of my weaknesses has been eating too much at night.  I have learned that eating in moderation and more often is a key alternative to calorie counting.  I also need to be mindful of the choices that I make.  Exercise more often and prepare healthier meals.  People who lose a lot of weight also write down foods eaten.  I also learned that my calorie needs may be more than previously thought.

Tomorrow, I will write about their strengths and areas of improvement, or my weaknesses.  All I have to say is that I am glad that I have more pros than cons.

My life

My life has become a vicious cycle of procrastination and a lack of knowledge.  The book of Hosea says that "my people suffer for a lack of knowledge"--paraphrase.  Knowledge is key and so is wisdom.  I could use a little bit of both.

I realize that my life is not in shambles, but it could be if I don't break the cycle.  I have obsessive thoughts which are not easy to deal with sometimes.  Right now, they are manageable, but that doesn't make them less annoying.  I hate to say this because every careless word and every careless though could sidetrack me.  That is a delicate balance to have to deal with every day.

It is ironic that I am writing about this since yesterday I wrote about being grateful.  To help break the cycle of procrastination and a lack of knowledge, being grateful is key.  It helps to put things in perspective that maybe it is not so big a cycle.  However, I tend to confuse myself and often accuse myself of being in denial.

The solution is to ask for wisdom and seek knowledge.  Just do what is hard, but the problem is it is easier said than done.  But I cannot wait for others to help me.  In fact, I can have support from others, but it is up to me to actually do the work.  But what good is there if I have knowledge and not enough wisdom.  So asking for wisdom would break the cycle.  That is what I did.  I am doing better and am wiser for it.

Being grateful

I thank God everyday for answered prayer.  It is a great thing to be thankful, appreciative, and grateful.  One of my pet peeves is when people are ungrateful to others.  The world would be a better place if people were more grateful.

I thank God everyday for salvation.  The world would be a better place if more people would not be so scared to preach the gospel to the poor, to heal the brokenhearted, and to help those who are in need.  We are to be grateful that we have the truth at our disposal and on the inside of us.  Jesus died for us.  Let us take the time to be grateful to Him.

Psalm 64

Hear my voice, O God, in my meditation;
Preserve my life from fear of the enemy.
² Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked,
From the rebellion of the workers of iniquity,
³ Who sharpen their tongue like a sword,
And bend their bows to shoot their arrows—bitter words,
⁴ That they may shoot in secret at the blameless;
Suddenly they shoot at him and do not fear.

⁵ They encourage themselves in an evil matter;
They talk of laying snares secretly;
They say, “Who will see them?”
⁶ They devise iniquities:
“We have perfected a shrewd scheme.”
Both the inward thought and the heart of man are deep.

⁷ But God shall shoot at them with an arrow;
Suddenly they shall be wounded.
⁸ So He will make them stumble over their own tongue;
All who see them shall flee away.
⁹ All men shall fear,
And shall declare the work of God;
For they shall wisely consider His doing.

¹⁰ The righteous shall be glad in the Lord, and trust in Him.
And all the upright in heart shall glory.

Psalm 149

Praise is an Amazing thing.  Let us all shout to the Lord.

Psalm 149
1 Praise the Lord.
Sing to the Lord a new song,
his praise in the assembly of his faithful people.
2 Let Israel rejoice in their Maker;
let the people of Zion be glad in their King.
3 Let them praise his name with dancing
and make music to him with timbrel and harp.
4 For the Lord takes delight in his people;
he crowns the humble with victory.
5 Let his faithful people rejoice in this honor
and sing for joy on their beds.
6 May the praise of God be in their mouths
and a double-edged sword in their hands,
7 to inflict vengeance on the nations
and punishment on the peoples,
8 to bind their kings with fetters,
their nobles with shackles of iron,
9 to carry out the sentence written against them—
this is the glory of all his faithful people.
Praise the Lord.

Volumes

As I look back into my life I realize that there are things that have run my life and it is not me.  I have been controlled by fear and not faith.  Fear is the false evidence of things that appear real.  They appear real because they are real and fear does exist.  I have many fears and it has impeded my faith a lot.

I have been controlled by what others think of me.  It speaks volumes about my self-esteem.  I have to affirm myself and now I have to apply those affirmations to my life.  It has become a daily thing.  I write and copy these affirmations but I have to believe that those affirmations are true.

I often pray the same prayers over and over again.  Should I feel okay with that or should I try a new prayer?  Am I thankful enough?  Am I mindful enough?  How do I overcome fear?  I just complain too much.  That speaks volumes of how I truly see things.

I need to change.  I want to change.  I desire to change.  I am not sure if God only helps those who help themselves.  What would God do for those who can't help themselves?  How about those who have a lack of wisdom or guidance?  What does that mean anyway?  That statement seems rather limiting of God's power and it speaks volumes about the faith of those who agree with that statement however they interpret it.

The volumes that one's action speak speak to one's own character.  It has been said that what a person is in private is who they really are.  It is also true that a person's character is measured by how they deal with another person or a situation in times of trouble.  I hope that this reveals a person who is not only willing to change but is making progress.