Then something happened.
I began to lose weight and feel healthier. I began to feel less self-conscious about my
appearance because I was indeed getting smaller. I could fit into old clothes yet I had to go
through websites to affirm my self-worth.
I went to plus size friendly websites to affirm my self-worth and
appearance. Then something
happened. Overtime, after I was starting
to lose weight I began to “gradually” gain weight. Now weight gain coupled with anxiety and
difficulty taking care of myself left me even more self-conscious and with
lower self-esteem.
I began to diet and eat 1500 calories. I lost over 28 lbs. and it felt good. I realize how large I was and how much help I
needed when 277 lbs. was considered small for me, especially at this time. I wanted to weigh 200 lbs., but right now, I
want to weigh 160 lbs., which is a much healthier weight for me. My body fat percentage will be at least
healthy. Needless to say, I gained the
28 lbs. back plus extra.
I now weigh 311 lbs. at my highest by this point. I had to do something about it. I was overwhelmed and it was urgent that I
lost weight. I didn’t want to stay over
300 lbs. So I turned things over to the
Lord and because of how much I wanted to lose weight I started to first formulate
my own plan. Needless to say, the plan
was working. I was actually losing
weight. As of today I weigh 282 lbs. but
I still want to weigh 160 lbs. I have my
fears about that. How am I going to deal
with them? How am I going to solve
them? I finally realize how to deal with
my fears. I had to be realistic and not
afraid to be realistic. I have an issue
with self-sabotage. I cannot afford to
reward myself so much that I will be off-track with my diet.
Then I realize this is about a whole lifestyle change. I think it is about a lifestyle change. I had to be honest as well as realistic. I am afraid that I will not eat in
moderation. I am afraid that I will not
exercise and take action. I realize that
I needed to be proactive. I needed to
take charge. I didn’t want to feel
alone. Losing weight became less urgent
because I became more patient. Patience
has become more of a virtue because of my weight loss. I no longer took the most mundane things for
granted. But I had to find strengths and
weaknesses so far and work on those weaknesses.
I am afraid that I will “go off” this diet and not realize that I have a
condition that puts me at even a greater risk for heart disease and even
strokes.
I am a young woman and I don’t want to have diabetes
complications. I don’t want to have a
stroke. I don’t want to have a heart attack. I in fact don’t want to be self-conscious
anymore. I have all of these goals and
all of this information and it was overwhelming. I fear not exercising and feel guilty. I fear feeling guilty and being so honest and
realistic like this. However, this has
been a blessing in disguise. I have
learned to confront my fears, in which the greatest is self-sabotage. This may be something that I have to learn to
deal with. Yet ironically, I am still
following a plan and writing this journal.
I feel so much better now that I can deal with the fears and cares of
this life. I even formulated a more
realistic plan to help me deal with eating a limited amount of calories a
day. I struggled with eating a small
amount of calories per day but diet and exercise have been of great help. I fear that I won’t lose the weight and keep
it off. I also fear that my doubts will
take over and that I won’t follow the plan to lose weight. I just have so many fears on my plate because
this is such an undertaking, but I know that the journey will be well-worth it.
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