PCOS and fears, part 2

Then something happened.  I began to lose weight and feel healthier.  I began to feel less self-conscious about my appearance because I was indeed getting smaller.  I could fit into old clothes yet I had to go through websites to affirm my self-worth.  I went to plus size friendly websites to affirm my self-worth and appearance.  Then something happened.  Overtime, after I was starting to lose weight I began to “gradually” gain weight.  Now weight gain coupled with anxiety and difficulty taking care of myself left me even more self-conscious and with lower self-esteem.

I began to diet and eat 1500 calories.  I lost over 28 lbs. and it felt good.  I realize how large I was and how much help I needed when 277 lbs. was considered small for me, especially at this time.  I wanted to weigh 200 lbs., but right now, I want to weigh 160 lbs., which is a much healthier weight for me.  My body fat percentage will be at least healthy.  Needless to say, I gained the 28 lbs. back plus extra.

I now weigh 311 lbs. at my highest by this point.  I had to do something about it.  I was overwhelmed and it was urgent that I lost weight.  I didn’t want to stay over 300 lbs.  So I turned things over to the Lord and because of how much I wanted to lose weight I started to first formulate my own plan.  Needless to say, the plan was working.  I was actually losing weight.  As of today I weigh 282 lbs. but I still want to weigh 160 lbs.  I have my fears about that.  How am I going to deal with them?  How am I going to solve them?  I finally realize how to deal with my fears.  I had to be realistic and not afraid to be realistic.  I have an issue with self-sabotage.  I cannot afford to reward myself so much that I will be off-track with my diet.

Then I realize this is about a whole lifestyle change.  I think it is about a lifestyle change.  I had to be honest as well as realistic.  I am afraid that I will not eat in moderation.  I am afraid that I will not exercise and take action.  I realize that I needed to be proactive.  I needed to take charge.  I didn’t want to feel alone.  Losing weight became less urgent because I became more patient.  Patience has become more of a virtue because of my weight loss.  I no longer took the most mundane things for granted.  But I had to find strengths and weaknesses so far and work on those weaknesses.  I am afraid that I will “go off” this diet and not realize that I have a condition that puts me at even a greater risk for heart disease and even strokes.

I am a young woman and I don’t want to have diabetes complications.  I don’t want to have a stroke.  I don’t want to have a heart attack.  I in fact don’t want to be self-conscious anymore.  I have all of these goals and all of this information and it was overwhelming.  I fear not exercising and feel guilty.  I fear feeling guilty and being so honest and realistic like this.  However, this has been a blessing in disguise.  I have learned to confront my fears, in which the greatest is self-sabotage.  This may be something that I have to learn to deal with.  Yet ironically, I am still following a plan and writing this journal.  I feel so much better now that I can deal with the fears and cares of this life.  I even formulated a more realistic plan to help me deal with eating a limited amount of calories a day.  I struggled with eating a small amount of calories per day but diet and exercise have been of great help.  I fear that I won’t lose the weight and keep it off.  I also fear that my doubts will take over and that I won’t follow the plan to lose weight.  I just have so many fears on my plate because this is such an undertaking, but I know that the journey will be well-worth it.

 

PCOS and fears, part 1

I have PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  It affects my hormones which in turn have an effect on my weight, skin, hair, and menstrual cycle.  This in turn affects my overall health and well –being.  Here is my story.  When I was in my teens I was teased about my weight and my facial hair.  I wasn’t self-conscious about my appearance yet I was hurt by the comments.  I was never a thin person but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings. 

As an adult I realize that I may have PCOS and I did research on the syndrome.  It wasn’t a disease, but it has been linked with many health issues such as irregular menstrual cycles, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and of course, diabetes, which I have all of them.  I have to realize that I have this problem and that it can be “fixed” sort of speak.  I have to diet and exercise.  I have to take care of myself.  I have become lazy over the years.

I was in denial about my weight and I was also in denial about my health.  I remember when I first received the “diabetes kit” (meter and lancet), I could no longer deny what was going on.  I have diabetes.  I was embarrassed as to what others think about my diabetes.  I was getting warnings about it for years because I have a family history of the disease and I am overweight.  I have been struggling with my weight much of my life.

I was a healthy weight for a while only to gain it back and then some.  I felt comfortable about my weight even for a while despite the fact that I became self-conscious later in life.  I could still wear nice clothes and it wasn’t a struggle.  However, when I tried them on and saw my body, I became self -conscious.  My stomach “ruined” my body.  I wondered how I could allow myself to look this way.  I felt guilty about my weight because I have gained so much over the years.  I went from 165-246 pounds, though it has been up and down.  I would lose the weight to keep it off and I had difficulty dieting and exercising.

Then something happened.  I began to lose weight and feel healthier.  I began to feel less self-conscious about my appearance because I was indeed getting smaller.  I could fit into old clothes yet I had to go through websites to affirm my self-worth.  I went to plus size friendly websites to affirm my self-worth and appearance.  Then something happened.  Overtime, after I was starting to lose weight I began to “gradually” gain weight.  Now weight gain coupled with anxiety and difficulty taking care of myself left me even more self-conscious and with lower self-esteem.

I began to diet and eat 1500 calories.  I lost over 28 lbs. and it felt good.  I realize how large I was and how much help I needed when 277 lbs. was considered small for me, especially at this time.  I wanted to weigh 200 lbs., but right now, I want to weigh 160 lbs., which is a much healthier weight for me.  My body fat percentage will be at least healthy.  Needless to say, I gained the 28 lbs. back plus extra.

Motivating myself to lose weight

I wonder if I was pretty. I have always wondered that. My self-esteem was something I had to work on all my life. I still have to wonder that even if I lost the weight. Even if others thought I was or am pretty, or have a pretty face, I still think that I am okay or above average looking. Would I be prettier if I lost weight? Do I shallow reasons for wanting to lose weight? I admit that I do. I want to feel better and be more confident in my own skin. But I have come to realize that I have to think of myself as beautiful inside and out regardless if I weigh 300 pounds, 200 pounds, or 100 pounds. My self-worth or definition of beauty cannot or should not be determined by the world’s standards or the scale.

 I just want to look and feel good. But I have to work at it. Maybe I don’t look so bad after all. Maybe it is just insecurity talking. I would however, like to fit into my old clothes and pay less for clothes. I may have to always buy from the plus size section considering that I realistically have a large frame. It would be nice to buy something that isn’t plus size and not as expensive however. Plus size clothes thankfully have come a long way from the more expensive and not so pretty to something that has more variety. Though I dare say it is still more expensive.

Motivating myself

I am self-conscious about my weight.  I felt guilty about gaining so much weight over the years.  I was more than 140 pounds smaller in high school.  Over the years there were times when I felt guilty.  I felt better when I lost weight and I got compliments.  I have PCOS, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and I am clinically obese.  I realize that I can take care of all of these.  I take meds for all of these conditions.  I don’t want to gain any more weight or continue on the path that I am on.  I am lucky and surviving.  But I want to be blessed and thriving.  The only person who can do that for me is me and the only way I can do that is by diet and exercise.  I am fairly active, so why not start.

 I lost 30 pounds or so, so why am I writing about the motivation to lose weight?  I am at a plateau and I want to lose even more.  I am not fully comfortable where I am at and I still have those same health issues.  I am now about to do mundane things like being able to take the stairs without being worn out and taking a shower.   Those things have taught me not to take the most mundane things for granted.  I do not like how I look in pictures sometimes. 

Dietary strengths; what am I doing right so far?

Strengths

·         Lost 30 lbs.

·         Eat in moderation for breakfast and dinner

·         Moving around and relatively active

·         Follow a schedule isn’t so hard

·         Plans meals in advance

·         Drink 6-8 servings of water per day

·         Meal plans

·         Have information to follow

·         Motivation

·         Grocery shopping to lose weight

·         Have created own weight loss plan that have stuck to

·         Affirming myself

·         Renewing my mind daily

·         Will and drive to continue to lose weight

·         Set plan is coming into play

·         Want to know myself more

·         Respect and love myself and continue learning to do so

·         Spiritual person who loves the Lord

·         Drink soda every once in a while that is usually 0 calories

·         Cut back on sugary drinks

·         Cut back on fried foods

·         Eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, dairy, and proteins

Positive motivation to lose weight

I am more motivated than ever to continue losing weight.   I have realized that I have got to stop comparing myself to other people.  I wish that I had that light bulb moment but at least I have that now.  I am an overweight diabetic but I can change that and I have been changing it.  I have lost 30 lbs. and that makes me smile.  I am able to fit in my clothes and I am happy about that.  I am able to breathe better and I have learned so far not to take life for granted.  I feel better and less self-conscious about my appearance.  The only thing that I wished was that I would be more thankful and more positive about myself.  I have gotten wiser and healthier as a result of the hard work I have put in.  I am no longer fearful of gaining weight as I am able to bend down and do other things that those who are thinner take for granted.  I have learned that happiness comes from within yet at the same time I feel a lot better as I lose weight.  Losing just 30 lbs. is a big accomplishment for me.  I didn’t think that I could do it but I can and I did it.  It is easier for me to take the stairs and even to walk.  Just the little things have become big miracles.  I was being negative thinking I was being realistic.  I am learning to stand on my own two feet and learning to see myself in a positive light.  For this much that I have written, I am grateful.

Who is a mother?

A mother is...
A friend..
A lover of her children...
A rock....
An underestimated, underrated woman...
A confidant...
A librarian...
A guard...
A disciplinarian...
A person worthy of honor, love, and respect

The Bible says to honor thy mother and thy father.  This is a rule for a strong, happier family.  This can be a hard rule to follow.  It is our parents who gave us life, but it is God who is the Creator.  Children are a gift from God.  We should respect one another.