I am more than ready

I still don't have a clue as to the plan for my life, but I believe that there is a clue about activity.  I haven't been as active as I used to be.  I don't like change, yet consistency is an issue.  I have self-esteem issues and I have to say that using that as a crutch would go a long way in keeping myself from moving forward.  To me, moving forward involves getting out of an emotional, physical, and psychological rut.  I would love for nothing better than to get out of that rut.  I have spent a long time in that rut and therefore I have made so little progress.  I know what to do, but I have no idea how to apply what I have learned.  My self-esteem would say, " I am not that smart a person.  How come it is taking you so long?"  Reality says, "I would like to believe that with some change, that I can overcome anything.  It will take a while but it is best to overcome whatever needs changing."  In other words, I believe that no one will believe what is really gone wrong with me.

Despite poor eating habits, I have just given up on myself.  I have become self-conscious of my weight as well. Low self-esteem would say, "I am lazy."  But what is really going on?  I have been self-conscious before, so now what is the problem?  The root problem is that I believe it is due to wanting to live the real world despite creating a fantasy world for myself.  I have had this problem ever since I was a child.  I always thought for one reason I was too this and not enough this.  There was a time when I once weighed much less.  I thought that I would feel better once I am this weight.

Yesterday was a wake up call.  I need to look inside myself and read up previous entries.  Maybe that isn't such a good idea, reading of course.  I am in a place where while I embrace my age, I have yet to embrace who I am and what I really want and what I really need.  I have my desires, but do they match up to what I want and what I need?  I have been become so overwhelmed that it seems that nothing is going to work.  I don't have a solution, at least not an easy one.  It will take a while and this is all that I know.