A few words about having OCD

Today was a wake-up call.  I have learned to embrace who I am obsessed with.  I am proud to have exposed myself like this.  One of the guys who I have obsessed about has since passed away.  The fact that he has died young is quite sad.  However, to see his grave stone is sobering.  I admit I wonder about  his spiritual state.  Where is he?  Was he born-again?  Was he living life in sin while claiming to be born-again?  I know it seems strange because it is too late for him to be saved if he were not and I say this at the risk of sounding crass because he has since died.  I never got to know this guy except I had a crush on him and I thought he was gorgeous.

Well that is or was how I felt.  I have tried hard to deny how I have been feeling.  My feelings I thought were strong feelings but it was only something meaningless after all.  I will never get to meet this guy because he is no longer walking the earth.  Thinking about the fact that he is dead is quite sobering.  I wonder if having a crush or rather obsession on someone who is dead makes me crazy or if it just makes me human, with my flaws and all.  I guess I will never know.  I confess that as a sufferer of obsessive compulsive disorder, acceptance is quite hard and so is avoidance.

What is hard to accept is the questions that will never be answered.  I hate uncertainty and for a while I thought that the fact that I had a persona and exposing her will help me.  The truth is, it wasn't a persona, it was me all along.  With the help of God and the rest of my support system, I know that I can and will get better.  It is just gonna take some time.  I confess that I even had a crush on the late young man's father and uncle and to a lesser extent, wondered about his brother, who is autistic. They don't know me from Adam and/or Eve, but I realize that not even that matters.  As much as I hate avoidance and uncertainty, I have to do what is hardest, which is to face my fears and to no longer be apprehensive about the next time another thought comes along.  All I have to do is deal with the uncertainty and enjoy the freedom that I have now and therefore, enjoy life.