Hello Fear by Kirk Franklin

I wish that I had the courage to live that song.  There are moments when I think that courage is something I possess.  I can be obvious with my feelings yet I am encouraged whenever I speak the truth.  I wonder if there are such thing as a person having "their truth".  Do we as people have "our truth", or is it just the truth as interpreted by different people?  Whatever that means, fear is something that I struggle with and have struggled with most of my life.  It makes me wonder why I fear people, or spiders, or confrontation.  I tire of things and I do trust fear because it has shielded me from the world.  I have created a fantasy world of my own where there is no fear and anxiety is managed.  I can face my fears and my anxiety can be faced without doubt.  I wish I had the courage to even say goodbye to fear.  I am unfortunately not at that stage yet, but I am always hopeful.

You Don't Have to be Afraid by Take 6

The situation gettin' rough
And you feel it's more than you can take
The good things in your life
And problems seem to outwheigh

When will you let go and understand
That I've got the master plan
You've gotta trust Me and just believe
That I'm always holdin' your hand
You don't have to be afraid

[Chorus:]
You don't have to be afraid
Let My love show you the way
(I'm right by your side)
That's where I'll stay
So you don't have to be afraid

Somebody said that problems come
They only come to make you strong
You see, I'm never far away
And you know I'll never steer you wrong

When will you let go and understand
That I've got the master plan

[Chorus:]

My eye is on the sparrow
And I'm always watchin' you
I have so much more love to give
And I'm gonna see you through
Don't be afraid, yeah

[Chorus:]

"Jesus, Precious King" by Beverly Crawford

[Intro:]
Jesus, when troubles burden me down,
Jesus, I know Your love's all around,
Jesus, that's my King.

[Chorus 1:]
Jesus, when troubles burden me down,
Jesus, I know Your love's all around,
Jesus, oh yes, Precious King.

[Verse 1:]
When darkness gathers and friends forsake me,
I know You'll never let me down.
I know You'll answer whatever betides me,
You're just a jewel hat I have found;
Jesus, oh yes, Precious King.

[Chorus 2:]
Jesus, Your name's the sweetest I know,
Jesus, I'll tell it wherever I go;
Jesus, oh yes, Precious King.

[Verse 2:]
When darkness gathers and friends forsake me,
I know You'll never let me down.
I know You'll answer whatever betides me,
You're just a jewel hat I have found.

[Vamp 1:]
Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus.

[Ending:]
Jesus, oh yes,
[repeat as desired]

Jesus, oh yes, Precious King.

I wish I could see the positives.

Sometimes I feel like starting life all over.  I wish I could.  I do wonder, however, if there will be any benefits.  I have grown tired of life as usual.  You see, I am a procrastinator, and an extreme one at that.  I wish I could be one of those people who have not only the heart and motivation, but also the will do to things.  These are the people that admire.

I wish I could do more to admire myself.  You see, I am anxiety-ridden and fearful.  I am fearful of everything and seemingly everyone.  I don't trust myself and I care what others think.  It has been like that ever since I was a child.  I may have been anxiety ridden and uncertain ever since childhood and I didn't realize it until recently.

At least I realize that I have a problem.  My blog posts today have been about going in circles because of anxiety, stress, and procrastination.  I want, need, and desire greatly to change.  In short, I need help.  I don't know what to do.  However, I won't give up.  I am always hopeful yet it seems that I have no hope.  I try and I try but always seem to fail at everything.  I hate failure.  I cannot stand doing the wrong thing.

Why do I have OCD?  It is because of the reasons about.  I also hate uncertainty.  I want to know the answers to everything and when I don't know the answers, I feel like I am a total ditz or rather, not very bright.  That was how I felt today.  I don't like the idea of feeling this way because it is embarrassing.

Maybe embarrassing is too strong a word.  I seem to be stressed out over the littlest things.  How do I overcome this?  I realize that I need to cope with these issues.

Encourage

I feel more motivated than ever before.  Now I know it is time for me to lose weight and keep it off.  I need help, however.

I don't think this is normal

I am worried that I will fail.  My worries and fears will come true anyways.  It is not a good thing to have in a personal resume so to speak.  I fear failure, but I fail anyway.  I guess that is why I have difficulty losing weight, aside from the low self-esteem, fear, and pcos.  I have always had an issue with self esteem which contributes to body image which contributes to worry, doubt, fear, and discouragement.  I could use some encouragement right about now.  If I were to answer the important questions, I wouldn't be sure if I were ready or motivated.  I asked if my feelings about this issue was being normal.  I want to overcome this discouragement but I would have given the wrong answer despite evidence to the contrary.  Something is definitely wrong with me and it is sad that I could either be in denial or maybe I am normal after all.

Is this normal?

Have I really thought things through?  Really.  There are times when I don't wish to lose weight.  Do I want to lose weight?  Do I really need to lose weight?  The desire is not there.  As I type this, I am surprised by my candor.  But at the same time, I wonder if I am taking a risk.  Have I really thought this through?  I talk a good game but my heart isn't in it.  I want to do the right thing for myself and my overall health, but there are other factors to other factors to consider.  My mind and heart have to be in it, but I have to realize how risky it is.  I wonder if my feelings are normal.  I have diabetes.  I have PCOS.  I am self-conscious.  I have low self-esteem.  Those are the five reasons why losing weight is vital for me.  But like I said, are my heart and mind into it.  I have made so little progress in losing weight that it scares me that I have this mindset.  Losing weight is hard.  But having this mindset and not knowing about weight loss is even scarier.  Also, coupled with the facts that I weigh so much and have a high Body Mass Index and my insight may not be normal to most, but to be honest, that is how I feel.  Why do I really want to lose weight?  Is it for me?  Is it for other people?  I feel so selfish and so blinded.  I wonder what is really going on with me.

I am more than ready

I still don't have a clue as to the plan for my life, but I believe that there is a clue about activity.  I haven't been as active as I used to be.  I don't like change, yet consistency is an issue.  I have self-esteem issues and I have to say that using that as a crutch would go a long way in keeping myself from moving forward.  To me, moving forward involves getting out of an emotional, physical, and psychological rut.  I would love for nothing better than to get out of that rut.  I have spent a long time in that rut and therefore I have made so little progress.  I know what to do, but I have no idea how to apply what I have learned.  My self-esteem would say, " I am not that smart a person.  How come it is taking you so long?"  Reality says, "I would like to believe that with some change, that I can overcome anything.  It will take a while but it is best to overcome whatever needs changing."  In other words, I believe that no one will believe what is really gone wrong with me.

Despite poor eating habits, I have just given up on myself.  I have become self-conscious of my weight as well. Low self-esteem would say, "I am lazy."  But what is really going on?  I have been self-conscious before, so now what is the problem?  The root problem is that I believe it is due to wanting to live the real world despite creating a fantasy world for myself.  I have had this problem ever since I was a child.  I always thought for one reason I was too this and not enough this.  There was a time when I once weighed much less.  I thought that I would feel better once I am this weight.

Yesterday was a wake up call.  I need to look inside myself and read up previous entries.  Maybe that isn't such a good idea, reading of course.  I am in a place where while I embrace my age, I have yet to embrace who I am and what I really want and what I really need.  I have my desires, but do they match up to what I want and what I need?  I have been become so overwhelmed that it seems that nothing is going to work.  I don't have a solution, at least not an easy one.  It will take a while and this is all that I know.

Plans for my life

I realize that none of my goals came through fruition.  I feel lonely sometimes because of my failures. I often wonder what my life will be life if my goals were met.    I wanted so much out of my life that I wonder if I even made plans for my life.  I wish I knew what went wrong.  Maybe I should have done a better job of planning my life.  As encouraging as many of my posts are, I have been left discouraged.  I rather not get into what is wrong, but I feel as if something went wrong.  Maybe I am wrong.  I wish I knew of the plans God has for me.  For years I feel like something has held me back. Unfortunately, I have failed to plan or planned to fail.  But whatever the case may be, I have to learn from my failures.  I also have to learn from whatever I have accomplished as well.

Music from other lands that I like

 "Halhi" by Amr Diab (Egypt)

 "Oro De Ley" by Luis Miguel (Mexico)

 "Valenti" by Boa (South Korea)

 "Vem Agora Espirito Santo" by Marcello Brayner (Brazil)

 "Hosanna"(?) by  Tagesech Ammachcho (Ethiopia)

"Canteixere " by Luar na Lubre" (Galicia-Spain)

 "Caballito Chontaleño" by Eliopoldo Amador Perez Garcia y Santos (Nicaragua)

Example of a situation I put myself in

I want to watch this tv show.  But I don't wish to get caught up in fiction. Nor do I wish to just check, which is what I will be doing.  Nor do I wish to make any excuse to watch the show.  Should I watch the show anyway?  I am beginning to know myself and what I will do too much.  It is scary the situations that I put myself in.  Maybe I am placing too much importance into this show and to these thoughts.

I usually do some checking and read the page on what the show is about and the characters to see if they are adulterous or not.  Usually if they are adulterous, especially if they are female, I am drawn to watching it.  If they were male, I would watch it anymore if it sounds like a good movie or tv show.
That is how much importance I place into a thought.  That is one of the big no nos of having obsessive thoughts. I promised that I would not go back.  I just could not handle freedom.  I was anxious and apprehensive and now I am paying the price for my anxiety and apprehension.

A few words about having OCD

Today was a wake-up call.  I have learned to embrace who I am obsessed with.  I am proud to have exposed myself like this.  One of the guys who I have obsessed about has since passed away.  The fact that he has died young is quite sad.  However, to see his grave stone is sobering.  I admit I wonder about  his spiritual state.  Where is he?  Was he born-again?  Was he living life in sin while claiming to be born-again?  I know it seems strange because it is too late for him to be saved if he were not and I say this at the risk of sounding crass because he has since died.  I never got to know this guy except I had a crush on him and I thought he was gorgeous.

Well that is or was how I felt.  I have tried hard to deny how I have been feeling.  My feelings I thought were strong feelings but it was only something meaningless after all.  I will never get to meet this guy because he is no longer walking the earth.  Thinking about the fact that he is dead is quite sobering.  I wonder if having a crush or rather obsession on someone who is dead makes me crazy or if it just makes me human, with my flaws and all.  I guess I will never know.  I confess that as a sufferer of obsessive compulsive disorder, acceptance is quite hard and so is avoidance.

What is hard to accept is the questions that will never be answered.  I hate uncertainty and for a while I thought that the fact that I had a persona and exposing her will help me.  The truth is, it wasn't a persona, it was me all along.  With the help of God and the rest of my support system, I know that I can and will get better.  It is just gonna take some time.  I confess that I even had a crush on the late young man's father and uncle and to a lesser extent, wondered about his brother, who is autistic. They don't know me from Adam and/or Eve, but I realize that not even that matters.  As much as I hate avoidance and uncertainty, I have to do what is hardest, which is to face my fears and to no longer be apprehensive about the next time another thought comes along.  All I have to do is deal with the uncertainty and enjoy the freedom that I have now and therefore, enjoy life.

"Overprotected" by Britney Spears

I love this song.  I do wonder if this is a good song for my life.  Just wondering.

Not the Same

https://play.spotify.com/track/6S1Z23yN7jjtkdPhxtgLH7

I know that Jesus has changed me and I thank Him.  Sadly, I don't thank Him enough.  Once I remember this song, I am reminded that I am a changed person.  There are things that I am no longer interested in that I no longer interest me.  I am at peace now more so than I ever have been.  I didn't realize how much I have changed and how my life has changed.  I can only (thankfully) imagine the mess my life would have turned out.  I admit that there are things that are a bit spotty now because of the obsessive thoughts, but I realize that being grateful as well as confession is good for the soul.

How I am coping

I am still tempted but I hope to break it soon.  I am still nervous but I think I will be okay.

I wish to break the cycle of OCD

This morning I was nervous every time I was tempted to do some checking.  It is like an addiction. Checking is like my next fix.  I am here to say that it is fiction and I get too caught up in fiction.  I guess it is because I live in a fantasy world.  I prefer to stay in reality, yet reality is quite cruel at times.  I guess because I am sheltered I live in a fantasy world.  But should I live in a fantasy world now that I am 40?  I think that there have been more possibilities at 40 than there were when I was younger.  I believe that despite the fact that I am still young, I am all grown up.  I believe that is what being 40 is all about.  It is much harder to overcome obsessions and compulsions especially because it has been a while since I have done the same thing for years now.  For many years, the OCD has been acting up and I hope that it doesn't act up again.  It has been rough, but now I have the opportunity to break the cycle of OCD, and I am going to take it.

Embracing

I have embraced aging, crushes, and the fact that I need help.  I am still apprehensive about having more obsessive thoughts arriving so suddenly.  I just wish that I could stop it.  Okay, so I had a crush on Mickey Rourke, especially the younger Mickey Rourke.  Now I have a crush on Sly Stallone and his son, Sage.  It seems rather strange since Sage has died 2 years ago.  I wish I had gotten to know Sage and to meet him.  I think that sometimes I am odd and that I need to embrace that.  If I can embrace that, then why can't I embrace the fact that I need to realize that I have a disorder that I can manage, but I want to do more than manage.  I want to confront my fears and be anxious.  I will have to do what is hard and that is what I just mentioned.  Doing what is hard is what helped me before.  I think it can help me again.

Embracing my age

I know that I wrote in many of my recent journals about being the big 40.  However, I feel great so far.  I guess it is because of a birthday I just had recently.  I just could pinch myself because living another decade is a great thing.  The thing is, I don't feel like a "middle aged" woman.  As a matter of fact, I feel like a young woman who has possibilities because I am all grown up.  I am not a child and I am not old.  Oh well, I guess I am middle aged after all.  For the first time, I embrace middle age and that is okay.

Faith, Hope, and Love

"Faith, Hope, and Love" in Japanese

 "Faith, Hope, and Love" in English

 

 Spanish

 French

 Hebrew

 English version sung by Beckah Shae

 Spanish version 

1 Corinthians 13:13

Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

Handel Messiah-Hallelujah!

Thank You, Lord Jesus!

Being 40

I am still not getting over being 40.  I could pinch myself.  I feel like, I don't know, that I am reborn. I guess that is what being 40 is all about.  I have become wiser now than ever before.  I am doing well today. I just came back from the store and I am still young.  It sounds crazy but I am still young and in my 30s.  Like that I need to let things sink in.

I am 40

I am still trying to get over the shock.  I am a 40 year old woman.  I am doing better now.  I have had a stressful moment or two but turning 40 I believe has changed all that.  I am doing so much better than I had even in my 20s and 30s.  Okay okay, I have been 40 in the past two days but I have been having a midlife crisis for years now.  I now don't have this early midlife crisis anymore.