Happy New Year...2015

 "Auld Lang Syne" by Susan Boyle

Caring what others believe and being honest

I hope that I am an honest, truthful person.  The truth of the matter is, I am not the most honest person there is.  Ironically I am being honest because I have admitted this.  I repent of this.  I have spent my life caring what others think for so long I have even said that at one time, I had to lie to be believed. It is sick and it is sad.  I didn't have to lie to be believed.  I didn't have to lie period.  There is nothing greater than being honest.  Honest people are trustworthy people who are respected for that reason.  I am more trustworthy and I earned of others.  But have I ?  Have I really?  I feel like even one mistake would cause one to be untrustworthy.  I had to earn the respect of others.  The past is something that is either ironically a blessing or the past has also been a curse because of a personal flaw.  I have learned to be an honest person, but I am not sure that even at my age, I have earned the respect of some.  I wonder now if there is a difference between earning the respect of others or outright giving my life to others because I care so much of others think.  It is a rough and sad way to live.  I realize that that is what wrong with me.  I have been stressed about this for a while now.  Now I believe that honesty is the best policy not only to the human, but also to God.

Negativity to positivity

I felt so bad lately since I woke up.  I felt bad about myself and my life.  It does happen quite often I am afraid.  I am here to write that negativity takes away from a person.  It is a drain on one's psyche. Being negative and having negative thoughts are not worth it.  I have been under a lot of stress lately. Well, I am here to write that I am thankful that I am still around to deal with the causes of stress in my life.  I have often felt powerless to do anything about it, but I realize that it takes positivity and a dose of truth to overcome and deal with stress.  Undue stress causes undue pain.

Near Death Experiences

I sometimes wonder how true the experiences of near death experiences are.  I question the validity of some of them.  They do have a common theme or two.  Heaven is a wonderful place.  Meanwhile, Hell is not, this is true.  Some of the details are not biblical.  I can't find anywhere about the demons tormenting people in Hell.  I believe the fact that they are being tormented in the flames and then take part in the Lake of Fire for all eternity is bad enough.  Demons will too be sent there and so will Satan.  All of what I have written is in the Book of Revelation.  There are plenty of videos online about near death experiences.  While they are rather interesting videos, always question their validity against what the scriptures actually say.  That will give a person an idea if a testimony is accurate or not.

The life of a goldfish

May Goldfish rest in peace.  We never had a goldfish to call our own before.  Sadly we never even gave him or her a name.  It is so sad that he or she is gone.  She became ill I guess and she died.  I even prayed for the fish.  It is just so sad and so sobering.  Death does that to a person or animal.

December 26

I usually hate this day of the year.  Christmas is over, but I am alive.  That is all that matters, and for that, I am thankful.

Merry Christmas !

 "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"- Enya

 "What Child is This?" - Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige

 "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"-Angel Voices

"Angels We Have Heard On High"-Pentatonix

"Little Drummer Boy"- Celtic Woman

December 24-25

December 24 has always been one of my favorite days of the year.  It is the day that is leading up to Christmas.  Sometimes, I would prepare myself for Christmas, which is a lot of fun to do.  I have spent the past few days making preparations for Thanksgiving.  I enjoy making preparations for Christmas.  I sometimes worry about Christmas day, which will go away within the next 48 hours. By then, the anticipation will end.  However, I have learned not to take Christmas Day for granted.  It is a time to give, love, and to "celebrate" the Birthday of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  My only hope is that I don't forget to do that.  After all, Jesus IS the real Reason for why we celebrate our ironically over commercialized holiday.

Grown folks' music - love songs

"You Put a Move in My Heart" by Tamia

 "You" by Jesse Powell

 "Everything to Me" by Monica

 "Heaven Sent" by Keyshia Cole

Dreams and Christmas Countdown

I didn't have any dreams today or last night.  I guess because I was either under too much stress or because I spent so much time preparing for Thursday that I didn't seem to have "time" to dream. Either way, I wonder if there is any real meaning to dreams, including the dreams that I have.  I don't have to worry much about except if I could make it until Christmas.  I spent the past few days counting down the days until Christmas.  Today it is only three days away and I look for to it. However, maybe I shouldn't because December 26 is too around the corner.

Sobering dream

Today was a good day.  I guess it was because I spent a good portion of it taking a nap.  There are times I like to take a nap.  Today was one of those days.  On the weekend while watching tv, I would begin to take a nap.  This weekend was different however.  I had an interesting dream about two women.  One of the women was a bride dressed and on her way to The New Jerusalem and the other was a plain clothes woman on her way to take part in the New Jerusalem.  I find this dream rather sobering.  All of us and I mean ALL, will end up having one of these two destinations.  I look forward to the return of Jesus Christ, but I cannot anticipate that if I am not a true believer in Christ living in obedience.  One who is has a bright future ahead of him or her.  Prayer, the Word, and service are the air that believers breathe and need in this evil world.  This world seems to possess more and more evil daily and all things are getting worse.  Maybe the moral to this story is that Jesus will return soon and that this is not just a dream.  The dream is based on truth and that is quite sobering.

Extra Cheesy Crock Pot Macaroni and cheese

  Image Source: http://www.southernplate.com/2008/10/baked-macaroni-and-cheese.html

 

Extra Cheesy Crock Pot Macaroni and cheese

1 16 oz. box of macaroni pasta

3 egg yolks

1/2 stick melted butter or margarine

1 can cheez whiz or ragu cheese sauce

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper or hot sauce

1 cup milk

1 bag shredded five Italian cheese

1 bag shredded cheddar cheese

1 8oz. block of cheddar cheese, chopped

1 tsp. yellow mustard (or 1/2 tsp. dry mustard)

2 tsp. paprika

In a large pot, boil the macaroni as it is written in the package.  Once the pasta is cooked and drained, bring the pasta back into the pan and mix with with the melted butter; place into the crock pot.  Beat 2 egg yolks and add it to the milk to stir.  Pour the yolk-milk mixture into the crock and stir with the macaroni-butter mixture.  Then add the spices and mustard to the crock pot and stir.  Add the chopped block of cheese, cheese sauce,  and half of the five cheese Italian blend.  Stir the macaroni and cheese mixture in the crock pot, set on high, until the cheese melts.  Once the cheese melts, garnish with the shredded cheese and set on low for an hour. 

Crock Pot Macaroni and Cheese

Image source: http://lisasdinnertimedish.com

Crock Pot Macaroni and cheese

1 16 oz. box of macaroni pasta

3 egg yolks

1/2 stick melted butter or margarine

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper or hot sauce

1 cup milk

1 bag shredded five Italian cheese

1 bag shredded cheddar cheese

1 8oz. block of cheddar cheese, chopped

1 tsp. yellow mustard (or 1/2 tsp. dry mustard)

2 tsp. paprika

In a large pot, boil the macaroni as it is written in the package.  Once the pasta is cooked and drained, bring the pasta back into the pan and mix with with the melted butter; place into the crock pot.  Beat 2 egg yolks and add it to the milk to stir.  Pour the yolk-milk mixture into the crock and stir with the macaroni-butter mixture.  Then add the spices and mustard to the crock pot and stir.  Add the chopped block of cheese and half of the five cheese Italian blend.  Stir the macaroni and cheese mixture in the crock pot, set on high, until the cheese melts.  Once the cheese melts, garnish with the shredded cheese and set on low for an hour. 

Celebrating Christmas

I find myself counting down the days to celebrating Christmas.  I believe that Jesus is the Real Reason that we should all celebrate Christmas.  I am also concerned that even December 25 will also go by fast.  Then December 26 will roll around.  I hate that day because my favorite holiday is over.  I understand that Christmas will be boring after a while, but 24 hours should not be enough to celebrate it.  Well, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

My views on Christmas

I have come to realize that there are things that are far more important than Christmas gifts.  I have been humbled this morning.  I have changed my views.  I thought that I have needs, but the truth is, that I had wants and desire.  I have changed my views on Christmas.  I believe that Jesus ought to be the focus.  I felt so bad about being ungrateful today.  I realize that even now, I have a long way to go.  I felt and still feel to a point on the other hand that the more money the more presents the greater the Christmas.  I am here to write that this view is wrong and I would like to change my views.  I believe that God does answer prayers and that He knows that I have needs.  All I know to do is to trust Him, In Jesus' name.

Online frustration

Today has been frustrating online.  I like a lot of people apparently have the problem of movies not being able to load.  Only a few videos will load yet there are a few that I won't be able to watch and songs that I won't be able to listen to.  I am okay.  Maybe the problem will be fixed as I have tried everything from cleaning the cache to downloading drivers.  Nothing seems to work.  I have never had this issue before.  I thought that something has to work on a computer and that there is a fix.  It seems however that there is no fix.  I could use a miracle right about now.

Prayers to the Lord

I have been given clarity today.  I have also been giving wisdom.  I believe that life is too short to not to have wisdom or a clear mind.  Those are some of the things that I have been praying for.  God is good and also an all-time God.  The song from Dottie Peoples about Him being an all-time God is true.  I am living proof and for that, I am so grateful to Him.  Never neglect being grateful to God. Tell Him the truth, for God cannot lie, so lets not lie.  There is no need to use fancy words and bluster about being faithful when deep down doubtful thoughts are creeping in.  The best prayers are the most honest prayers.  Telling God how one feels in Jesus' name all the while repenting of one's sins. Have faith.  God does answer prayer.

Macaroni and cheese recipe 5

Macaroni and cheese  recipe 5
Ingredients:
1½ cups milk
3 Tbsp. butter
2 Tbsp. cornstarch
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
1/8 tsp.yellow mustard
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
1 cup mild cheddar cheese
1 cup sharp cheddar cheese
1 cup mozarella cheese
1/2 cup parmesan cheese
16 oz. elbow macaroni
Directions: Mix together the milk, spices, mustard, cornstarch, and both the mild and sharp cheddar cheese.
Stir until cheeses are fully melted. for a minute and check to see if the macaroni is done;
if it is, make sure the macaroni and
cheese are not over- or undercooked and then well drained. Transfer macaroni back into
the large pot and then add your cheese sauce; stir well. In a lightly greased baking pan,
pour macaroni and make sure it is evenly distributed. Use the shredded cheese, mozzarella, and parmesan cheeses
to sprinkle on top of the macaroni. Bake in a preheated oven at 350º for 20 minutes or
until cheese is fully melted and is golden brown.

Macaroni and cheese 4

Macaroni and cheese 4
Ingredients:
1½ cups milk
1 stick of butter or margarine
2 Tbsp. flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
1/2 tsp. paprika
1/8 tsp.yellow mustard
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
4 oz. velveeta cheeese
16 oz. elbow macaroni
Directions:
In a large pot, for the macaroni, follow the instructions on the box. To make the roux,
mix the flour with the butter. Then add the milk, velveeta cheese, and half of the cheddar
cheese; stir until cheeses are fully melted. Then add the mustard and spices. Set aside
for a minute and check to see if the macaroni is done; if it is, make sure the macaroni and
cheese are not over- or undercooked and then well drained. Transfer macaroni back into
the large pot and then add your cheese sauce; stir well. In a lightly greased baking pan,
pour macaroni and make sure it is evenly distributed. Use the rest of the cheddar cheese
to sprinkle on top of the macaroni. Bake in a preheated oven at 375º for 20 minutes or
until cheese is fully melted and is golden brown.

Macaroni and Cheese recipe 3

Macaroni and cheese 3

Ingredients:
2 cups half-n-half cream
4 oz. softened cream cheese (US)
4 Tbsp. sour cream
(you can substitute the cream cheese and sour cream with 1/2 cup marscapone cheese, from Italy)
1 cup shredded monterey jack cheese (US)
1 cup shredded colby cheese (US)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (UK)
1/2 cup American cheese (US)
3 oz. Cojita Cheese (MX)
4 oz. Parmesan cheese (IT)
(You can substitute the Cojita Cheese with Parmesan Cheese mixed with a dash of salt)
2 Tbsp. flour
2 eggs
1 stick of butter or margarine
1 tsp. paprika
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. black pepper
1/8 tsp. mustard (dry or yellow)

Directions: Preheat the oven to 375º. In a small bowl place 4 oz. of cream cheese in the microwave and let it soften for 10-15 seconds. Oven temperatures vary. To the cream cheese, mix in the sour cream and beat until fluffy. In a large bowl, beat the eggs and then add the cream mixture. In a medium saucepan, boil water for the macaroni. Add 12 oz. macaroni and let it boil for 10-15 minutes, then slowly drain. In another medium saucepan, on medium heat make a roux from the flour and keep stirring until the butter melts. Slowly add the cream-egg mixture to the saucepan. Then slowly add in the cheese-sour cream mixture stirring constantly. Then lower the heat and add the cheeses stirring constantly until the cheeses are melted. In the large bowl, stir in the cheese mix and the macaroni. Once stirred in, add the mustard and spices and stir again. Then pour the mixture into a large lightly greased baking pan. Crumble the cojita cheese mix with the parmesan cheese. Sprinkle the cheeses evenly over the macaroni.
Bake for 15-30 minutes until the cheese browns.

Macaroni and Cheese Recipe 2

Macaroni and Cheese 2
16 oz package elbow macaroni
1 cup milk
1 1/2 cup half and half cream
5 oz. can evaporated milk
1/2 cup sour cream
2 egg yolks
1/2 cup flour
1 stick of butter
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
2 Tbsp. paprika
1 1/2 Tbsp. yellow mustard
1 package President Brie cheese (without the rind)
3 cups shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups shredded pizza cheeses (shredded cheese pack made of cheddar, mozzarella, etc)
2 cups shredded Italian cheeses pack (shredded cheese pack made of mozzarella, Parmesan, provolone, etc)
2 cups shredded Monterrey Jack/Colby cheese pack
1 cup Parmesan cheese
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 can cheddar cheese soup
Directions:
Preheat the oven for this recipe at 350 degrees.
Follow the directions for how to cook the macaroni and cheese. After the macaroni has cooked, drain and set aside for a few moments.
In a small bowl, mix the egg yolks and sour cream and set that aside. In a large part, make a roux; melt the butter and then add the flour. Stir until well mixed, making sure the roux does not brown. Then slowly add the 1 cup of milk.
Next, add the egg yolks-sour cream mixture and stir. Then add the salt, pepper, paprika, and mustard. Keep mixing and while mixing, add the 3 cups shredded cheese, shredded pizza cheeses, Jack/Colby cheeses, and the Brie, the shredded Italian cheeses. Keep stirring until melted. The mixture will be thick and gummy. Pour in the evaporated milk and stir. Then slowly pour in the half and half cream. If you wish, you can add a little bit more cream and milk to this as the mixture is thinner, but still gummy. Make sure while stirring that all of the cheeses are melted.

Macaroni and Cheese - Recipe 1

1 lb. box macaroni noodles
4 cups grated cheese(s) (any cheese will do)
Cracker barrel cheese
1 can Campbell's cheddar cheese soup
1 box cream cheese or neufchatel cheese, softened
6 oz. velveeta cheese product
1 cup milk
1 stick butter or margarine, softened
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup half-n-half cream
1/2 cup evaporated milk
1/4 cup buttermilk
1 cup sour cream
2 egg yolks
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. pepper (black, white, or red, it doesn't matter)
1 Tbsp. French's yellow mustard or 1 tsp. dry mustard
1/2 tsp. hot sauce, cayenne pepper, or tabasco sauce
1 1/2 tsp. paprika

Cook the macaroni noodles as it is written in the package then drain in a colander and set aside.  In a large pot, make a roux of the milk and the butter.  Keep in mind not to let the roux brown.  Slowly pour in the milk and stir.  Add in the evaporated milk, cream, and buttermilk.  After a while, the sauce will thicken.

Next, add the grated cheeses; stir until incorporated and the cheese is melted.  Then add in the cheese soup, velveeta cheese product,  and the cracker barrel cheese.  Stir until the cracker barrel cheese and the velveeta cheese product melts.  Take the large pot off of the stove, which is set to medium temperature,  so that it can be set aside.  Next, pour in the macaroni noodles and stir into the cheese sauce.  Stir until well incorporated.  Set aside.

In a large bowl, mix thoroughly the egg yolks, cream cheese, and the sour cream.  Once well-mixed, and that mixture into the pot, which is placed on top of the stove.  The stove should still be set to medium.  Next, add in the mustard, hot sauce, and the spices and stir well.

Pour macaroni mixture in a greased baking sheet.  Also, sprinkle macaroni mixture with grated cheese, bread crumbs, or anything else that you wish to sprinkle with such as bacon or ham.  Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 25-30 minutes until the cheese melts and the macaroni browns.  Once taken out of the oven, let it cool for at least 10-15 minutes.  Then serve.

Lemon Coconut Cake

Lemon Coconut Cake
Ingredients
4 large eggs
1 cup sour cream
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 package lemon pudding
3 cups self-rising flour
2 cups white sugar
2 sticks butter or margarine
1/2 cup milk
1 tsp. lemon extract
1 package shredded coconut
1 can vanilla or cream cheese frosting
1 can lemon frosting

Directions
Preheat oven to 325 degrees.  In a large bowl, mix softened butter, sugar, eggs, and lemon extract.  Make sure to slowly add eggs, one at a time until thoroughly mixed.  The mixture should be “fluffy” and “creamy” in texture.  Then mix in the flour, pudding, milk,lemon juice, and sour cream until the batter is well mixed.     Then in two 8” or 9” greased and floured pans, pour in the batter.  Bake for 30-45 minutes.  Insert a knife or toothpick; if the knife or toothpick come out of the cake clean, then it is ready.  Let the cake cool for about half an hour at room temperature.  After the cake is cool, then frost each cake layer and cover them with the sweetened (unsweetened) coconut.

Fruitcake Recipe

Fruitcake
Ingredients
1/2 cup light brown sugar
2 cups white sugar
6 cups self rising flour
1/4 cup chopped pecans
1/4 cup chopped walnuts
1/3 cup dried blueberries
1/3 cup dried mixed berries
1/3 cup dried cranberries
2 cups raisins
1/2 cup chopped apricots
1/2 cup chopped figs
1 cup chopped dates
1/4 cup chopped prunes
1/8 cup pineapple juice
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 Tbsp. apple juice
1 tsp. orange juice
1 tsp. lemon juice
4 large eggs
2 sticks of softened butter
1 Tbsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp ground ginger or pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp allspice
2 ground cloves
pinch each of cumin and curry powder
1/2 cup dried coconut
 
Directions:
In a mixer, combine softened butter and both sugars.  Beat mixture until fluffy.  Then slowly add the eggs and the vanilla extract. Continue until mixture is fluffy.  Next, fold in the self rising flour and stir until well incorporated.  Then fold in the dried fruit, spices, pineapple, apple sauce, orange juice, and lemon juice.  Mix until well incorporated.  Pour batter in a lightly greased and floured bundt pan.  Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 45 minutes or until you insert a toothpick and it comes out clean.  You can even use a knife for this.  In the center of the cake, stand the knife up in the cake.  If the knife stands up, then it is done.  Otherwise, bake for a few more minutes until done.  Let the cake cool for 20 minutes.  Then take the cake out of the pan and serve it in a plate.

Devil's Food Cake

Devil's Food Cake
Ingredients:
4 large eggs
2 cups white sugar
4 cups self rising flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 1/2 cup softened butter
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/3 cup milk
2 1/2 cups
1 box chocolate pudding
1 can chocolate frosting

Directions:
In a large bowl, mix the eggs, sugar, vanilla extract, and the softened butter.  Continue beating and slowly add the eggs and beat until it is fluffy in texture.  Add flour, box of pudding, cocoa, and the baking powder.  Beat until well incorporated.  Then pour in the milk and keep mixing.  In a two 8" or 9" floured and greased pans, bake in a preheated 325 degree oven for 45-60 minutes.  After baking for 45-60 minutes, use a butter knife or toothpick and poke in the center of the cake.  If it comes out clean, then it is ready.  Let cool at room temperature for at least an hour.  Then flip the layers onto a plate and frost each layer.

Chocolate Almond Cake

Chocolate Almond Cake
Ingredients
5 large eggs
3 sticks softened butter or margarine
1 tsp instant coffee grounds
1 package chocolate pudding
1/2 tsp almond extract
1 cup unsweetened cocoa
2 1/2 cups white sugar
3 1/2 cups self-rising flour
1/4 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups slivered almonds
2 cans chocolate frosting
1/4 cup milk or almond milk

Directions
Preheat oven to 325 degrees.  In a large bowl, mix softened butter, sugar, and eggs.  Make sure to slowly add eggs, one at a time until thoroughly mixed.  The mixture should be “fluffy” and “creamy” in texture.  Next, add the pudding and the extracts; fold it into the mixture. Then mix in the flour, and milk until the batter is well mixed.  Then in an 8" or 9" greased and floured pan, pour in the batter.  Bake for 20-40 minutes.  Insert a knife or toothpick; if the knife or toothpick comes out of the cake clean, then it is ready.  Let the cake cool for about half an hour at room temperature.  After the cake is cool, then frost each cake layer; pour the melted chocolate frosting. Cover them with the slivered almonds.  Finally, serve.

How to celebrate and focus on Christmas, my favorite time of the year

One thing I am thankful for is that I don't lack issues to write.  I have many views, likes, and dislikes. I have no problem with that.  It is just who I am.

For instance, I love this time of year.  It was when I discovered new songs that I still play or have on my mp3 player.  One day I would love to have an Ipod.  However, I guess I have never been one to follow the crowd.  I am just not good at "keeping up with the Joneses" or anyone else for that matter. I prefer to be myself, follow my own example, and go at it alone.  Sometimes, it is beneficial; sometimes it is not.

I just am in love with this time of year.  My anxiety is not as off the charts as it is during the rest of the year.  I am so happy this year.  I love the trees, the gifts, the pomp and circumstance, and most of all, the True Meaning of Christmas.  His name is Jesus.  While it may be the case that He was not born of a virgin on December 25, the real point was that He was born, ministered, was crucified and died for us all, conquered death, hell, and the grave, and resurrected.  He has changed not just the lives, but the destinations and souls of numerous, including mine.

I for one, believe that despite outside the pomp and circumstance, that Jesus really is the Reason for the Season.  I just don't like that many only think of Jesus on December 25 or Easter, but not beyond. Do they not believe that He is the same One who will be the Judge of all of us?  Sure He was and still is loving and kind, but one should never play around with God.  One day, all of the Christmases and the Easters will be over. Eternity is that: eternal and forever.  Maybe all of us should celebrate Christmas in that way with that mindset.

I don't like cliches.  I really don't know anyone who does.  (Life is too short is the cliche I am going to use no matter how true it is.) Anyways, it is great to celebrate, but it is better to be mindful of Who, when, what, where, and why?  Do we worship Him or do we worship the gifts and all that comes with it?  Do we give and serve others because we love Him or because it is just something we do for the holidays and all of a sudden don't do as much most of the rest of the year?  That is something that I have to keep in mind as I am not immune to being judged.  It is rather poignant sometimes to think of Christmas in that way because God earned our Respect (to put it mildly), we are to love, fear, and reverence the One who has the power to cast us all into Hell or rapture the believer to Heaven to be with Him in the New Jerusalem forever.  Whatever one's views of Christmas, that I know for certain will never change.

My tribute to actresses "of color"

I would like to take the time to remind myself and others who I hope will be reading this about those black actresses who came before us.  Black and part-black actresses like Halle Berry, Whoopi Goldberg, and numerous others whose names escape me should be thanking these ladies.  They have paved the way for countless actresses from the blaxploitation era to right now.  I wish I had heard of these ladies before.  Okay, some of them, I have heard of and have seen, but still. Here are a few of them.  I would like to watch these ladies on screen, or online.

 Fredi Washington (RIP)

 Lena Horne (RIP)

 Pam Grier

 Juanita Moore (RIP)

 Louise Beavers (RIP)

 Judy Pace

 Diana Sands (RIP)

I myself wondered what would be like if I were an actress.  It would be quite interesting.  Well anyways, there are many more actresses "of color" that I could have put up, but there are so many and too little time.  As a fan "of color" I am grateful.

God's timing is everything

I have been feeling down lately.  I believe that it is because of my lack of patience.  I tried to be strong but now I wonder if I were lying to myself.  I was praying for a miracle and I didn't get that miracle.  Every time I feel like things were going down, something happens.  What just so happens is that whenever I pray that prayer for a miracle, a song that plays in my head reminds me that God will arrive on time.  The song is even playing in my mind now.  In those times, I realize that scripture, prayer, and song will be the tools to strengthen my faith.  According to the song, God doesn't on our time.  We operate on his time.  I now realize that that is something that I something I need to remember.  A day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as a day.  I do believe that sometimes it speaks of God whenever we pray or do something else.  That is what time means to God, who is the Diety of the Universe.  His time is rather hard to understand, but upon close inspection, we will not have to worry, for He knows what to do and how to do things.  I also realize that praise is something else I need to be doing.  Praise goes up, while blessing come down.

Psalm 111

Praise the Lord.
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, in the company of the upright, in the congregation.
Great are the works of the Lord, studied by all who have pleasure in them.
Full of honor and majesty is his work, and his righteousness endures for ever.
He has caused his wonderful works to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and merciful.
He provides food for those who fear him; he is ever mindful of his covenant.
He has shown his people the power of his works, in giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy,
they are established for ever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.
He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant for ever. Holy and terrible is his name!
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
a good understanding have all those who practice it. His praise endures for ever!

A change in me

I realize that something was wrong with me.  I was down and depressed lately.  That is or was why I lost the desire to lose weight and get healthy.  I never weighed the options.  As a matter of fact, I know I need to lose weight.  I was truthfully not in denial about my weight.  However, I am a person who is not healthy.  These past few days have taught me much about my health and myself.  I need to have that desire back.  I am depressed and therefore I began to grow tired.  There is nothing like change and being a changed person.  I have been fixated on my weight for many years.  I have also been self-conscious and I know I need to change.  I tire and continue to tire.  I have come to realize that it is only the beginning.  I don't want for the pain in my feet to worsen.  I don't want my diabetes symptoms to worsen.  I need to know that all things are possible and I am confident that I can change.

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman by Britney Spears

I used to think
I had the answers to everything,
But now I know
Life doesn't always go my way, yeah...
Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize...

[Chorus:]
I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.
All I need is time,
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

[Verse 2]
I'm not a girl,
There is no need to protect me.
It's time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own.
I've seen so much more than you know now,
So don't tell me to shut my eyes.

[Chorus]

I'm not a girl,
But if you look at me closely,
You will see it in my eyes.
This girl will always find
Her way.

I'm not a girl
(I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe).
Not Yet a woman
(I'm just trying to find the woman in me, yeah).
All I need is time (All I need),
A moment that is mine (That is mine),
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman (not now)
All I need is time (All I need),
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.

The world of insanity, yet I am normal

I'm not crazy its the rest of the world that's insane.  There are times when I feel like that.  I wonder if that is how it will be once the verdict in Ferguson is read.  What will happen?  Will it go mad?  Will life ever return to normal?  In the grand scheme of things, life goes on and there may be another Ferguson.  Scary, isn't it?

Right now, I am finally watching one thing while watching the grand jury verdict.  The thing is IMO, the verdict could go either way.  Who knows?  To say that I don't care would be harsh.  I do care.  I do feel.  Right now, I am just in my own little zone.  But man, Sly Stallone was fine in Rocky IV.

Sorry I had to interject, but being bipolar sometimes I wonder if I am really normal.  Moods change all of the time, but I do wonder that mine can change from one mood to the next and one personality to the next.  I sometimes feel happy one minute, sad the next minute, and also feel nothing for a while.  Man, Sly Stallone was fine driving, reflecting on his life as Rocky Balboa.

Sometimes it is good to live in an insane world.  It is me that is normal.  I guess that is what is means to live in a crazy world.

Modern Music, Aaliyah (RIP), and being 40

Lately I have been listening to various artists from the 90s.  While I was a child of the 80s, I will not neglect listening to music of the 90s.  To me, the movies were better in the 80s and the music was just as good in the 90s.  I think that as a 40 year old woman who has embraced her age, I can wax nostalgic about what to listen to.  I know of some of today's artist like Ariana Grande, Iggy, Nicki Minaj, and Drake.  However, I prefer to listen to stuff that may be actually be older than they are.

Last weekend I was watching the controversial Aaliyah (RIP) movie.  It wasn't a disgraceful film or an insult to her like so many others thought, but it is a rather boring movie that I would not recommend.  If I were a critic, I would not rate it very high.  The acting was good, but that is it.  I am not sure if the makers of this TV movie should be ashamed, but the film could have been better.  I doesn't help that her family did not approve of the film.  It doesn't help that many of the actors look nothing like the people they portray.  However, for people younger than 12, I do recommend her music and her movies.  My favorite song from her is "If Your Girl Only Knew". What is so tragic is that she died so young and had so much to offer.  I am almost twice her age and I wonder now what could have been.

I am blessed to be at the age I am.  I am young, but all grown up, if that makes sense.  I do wonder however if life truly begins at my age.  Ironically we live in a society where life supposedly begins at 40 while some don't have a clue that life begins at conception.  Sometimes I wonder about the ironies of life.  I know that I am changing the subject, but the world seems to have changed and still change, for better or worse.  I guess that would include the musical landscape where things and the musical tastes of most of us seems to have changed.  I guess that I am not immune.

"Hadiyyah"

Hadiyya means a gift.  It is of Arabic origin; the song is Ethiopian of course.  I find Ethiopia a rather fascinating nation.  I wish I had known more.

"There's Hope" by India Arie

"There's Hope"

[Verse 1:]
Back when I had a little
I thought that I needed a lot
A little was over rated,
but a lot was a little too complicated
You see-Zero didn't satisfy me
A million didn't make me happy
That's when I learned a lesson
That it's all about your perception
Hey-are you a pauper or a superstar
So you act, so you feel, so you are
It ain't about the size of your car
It's about the size of the faith in your heart

[Chorus:]
There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
[repeat]

There's hope

[Verse 2:]
Off in the back country of Brazil
A met a young brother that made me feel
That I could accomplish anything.
You see just like me he wanted to sing
He had no windows and no doors
He lived a simple life and was extremely poor
On top of all of that he had no eye sight,
but that didn't keep him from seein' the light
He said, what's it like in the USA,
and all I did was complain
He said-livin' here is paradise
He taught me paradise is in your mind
You know that

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
Every time I turn on the T.V. (There's Hope)
Somebody's acting crazy (There's Hope)
If you let it, it will drive you crazy (There's Hope)
but I'm takin' back my power today (There's Hope)
Gas prices they just keep on rising (There's Hope)
The government they keep on lying
but we gotta keep on surviving
Keep living our truth and do the best we can do

[Chorus]

Stand up for your rights [echo]
Keep shining your light [echo]
And show the world your smile [echo]

[Chorus]

India Arie and having peace of mind

I find myself listening to music and being spiritual.  I am thinking on what is peaceful and not what is temporary.  I have had obsessive thoughts about everything from television to infidelity.  I still have them and I am afraid.  I still have to learn to overcome the fears and doubts.  I do wish to stay in this moment, however.  Listening to artists such as India Arie give me peace and calm because the thoughts that I have thrive on an anxious mind.  I know that India Arie is not a gospel singer, but her music is so inspiration and so wholesome.  I can learn a lot from her lyrics.  There is hope and it doesn't cost a thing to smile.  Laughter is not expensive.  I have learned about peace and never taking life for granted.  Maybe I should smile more.

Eternal v Temporal

Yesterday's post was a great message about the difference between what is eternal versus what is temporary.  Revelation says that God will wipe every tear, meaning that there will be no more pain. That is something all believers, or rather, all should look for.  Sadly, the road is narrow which means that most people will not only be unbelievers, but will not truly live for and serve the Lord.  Many will have itching ears and be in denial true godliness.  There is a difference between being religious and being righteous.  That is something I realize that we all need to learn from.  With God there are no accidents.  He knows exactly what He is doing.  He isn't a God of hatred, strife, hypocrisy, or dishonest.  In fact He will punish the wicked, including those who are hateful, filled with strife, dishonest, and/or hypocrites.  That is a fact of life we all have to learn and that is not easy for those who take part in those sins.  Think and live for eternity in Heaven, for the world as we know it will pass away.

Being holy, acting holy, and thinking holy

I have to realize and know that eternity is forever.  Temporary is just that, temporary.  As cliched as this may sound, life is indeed too short.  It is only but a vapor.  It is here today, gone tomorrow.  That is quite a true message.  The point is, without holiness, none of us will be able to see the Lord.  The Word of God does day to be holy as the Lord is Himself holy.  I finally realize for myself that it means more than being set apart from the world.  It means to save one's soul by losing the whole world.  That means that what is in this world is no where near as important than what is of God. I realize and now know that that is something I have to remember, and follow.

Being thankful for the lessons I have learned today

God does have an idea of how thankful I am.  Today I realize that I needed to be more positive and more thankful in my prayers.  No matter what I was going through, clarity was something I needed. God opened up my eyes today and I am very thankful He did.  There are those times when I have some issue and God teaches me a lesson or two.  Today was one of those times.  My lessons for today are to not be selfish, count it all joy, and to read the Word daily.  Little miracles do indeed happen everyday, to quote Luther Vandross (RIP).

Trusting in God

Sometimes I see that things get worse before they get better.  It has been a fact for me.  I am not immune and never believed that.  I tell God how I feel and I believe that God listens.  I have the faith that God is an all-time God to quote Dottie Peoples.  Sometimes when things get worse, having faith is difficult.  I believe that is when God does his best work.  I admit that I take full responsibility for all of my issues.  I have these issues that I present to God and I ask God to help me to do what is hardest. As sacrilegious as this may sound, I have to trust him.  I sometimes wonder how I would make it through the day or any time of the year.  However, I always make it somehow. I praise the Lord.

 "Trust in God" by the Winans

 "Ain't No Need to Worry" by The Winans and Anita Baker

 "You Don't Have to be Afraid" by Take 6

 "Trust in Jesus" by Third Day

Hair and reading today

Today I am not so sure what to write about, but in reality I am just a sheltered young woman, so what do I know.  I sit at the computer most of the day and read up on things.  I just love to read.  I guess in a way reading makes me feel useful and productive.

Today was a good day but I am saddened that there is little to write about except about hair.  I realize that according to the hair typing system, I am a curly-coily, or having 3c hair. I wondered about the system.  Hair that is more coily is placed last in this system.  It is type 4 hair.  I also wonder if such a system would make a person would make them more self-conscious.  But no system, hair type or not perfect.

Boiled Fruitcake

This morning I had a dream about a boiled fruitcake.  I love baking fruitcakes as well as other creations.  I was wondering how to make a boiled fruitcake with some knowledge.  In other words, I just want to know what I am doing.  Christmas is my favorite time of the year and I don't want to waste any money with a screwed up recipe.  Last Christmas was one of the best ever.  I was satisfied and so was everyone else.

Here is a recipe for boiled fruitcake:

200 g sugar
225 ml water
30 g margarine
375 g mixed fruit
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
275 g self raising flour
1 teaspoon mixed spice
1 egg
1 pinch salt

1
Place the sugar, water,margarine, bicarbonate of soda and dried fruit in a medium saucepan and slowly bring to the boil. As soon as it starts to boil, remove and leave to completely cool.
2
Add the well beaten egg, mixed spice, pinch of salt, and the flour; mix well.
3
Line a 9-inch cake tin. Cook at approximately 170°C for about an hour to an hour and a quarter.
4
To stop it drying out while cooling, it’s advisable to drape a clean tea towel over the cake after about half an hour.
5
NB - if you are in a hurry for the fruit to cool - place saucepan in some cold water in the sink, it will cool in under half the time.

Source:
http://www.food.com/recipe/fabulous-boiled-fruitcake-155227

" Say the Words" by DC Talk

(You gotta say it, you gotta say it)

Solomon once wrote:
"Better is open rebuke, than hidden love"
So say the words...

Silence is golden but these are the words
That the world needs to hear
(brothers and sisters)
Terms of compassion will cause a reaction
As love drives them near

But still we choose to hide behind the face of pride
Pretending we are blind to the calling
This is my point and case, if hate can be erased
With such a simple phrase, why are we stalling?

[chorus]
Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"
Say the words I long to hear

Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it, say it
Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it

Some just assume we already know
Of the love that they feel
(brothers and sisters)
Some have a heartfelt emotion
But never the words to reveal

I think we all relate, so why are we afraid
To let our hearts convey what we're feeling?
There is a world in need with hungry souls to feed
And love can intercede if we're willing, so...

[repeat chorus]

Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it, say it
Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it

(check this out)
The word love, well it was once overused
Back in the 70's the word was abused
But I refuse to let love be diluted
We can't allow physical lust to intrude it
Or pollute it cause there ain't no excuse
For the greatest gift of all to be abused
So choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you"

[repeat chorus]

Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you"

Won't you say the words
Say the words
Say the words "I love you"
(You've got to say it)
Say the words
Say the words
Say them over and over
(Yeah, you've got to say it, say it)

Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you"

Musing about having "nappy" hair...what is wrong with nappy hair

Thursday I wrote a musing about natural hair.  Why call it natural?  Why the "happy to be nappy" mantra?  What is wrong with the word nappy?  Nappy has become a slur for "bad hair" or tightly coiled hair.  I realize that it stems from the division in the black community.  "Good hair" is seen on those who are more "mixed" looking while those who look less "mixed" or rather more "African-looking" people have "bad hair".  It is so sad that that we have this.  What is wrong with a man or woman having tightly coiled hair?  Those are some questions that I wish I could ask others.  What is wrong with having nappy hair?  This issue pretty much fires me up.  Here are some pictures of women with tightly coiled hair:

Natural and happy

I would love to know what it will be like to have long curly hair.  It has been a long time.  It has been a long time coming.  For over 2 decades, my hair has been relaxed and my hair thickened up and itched.  It was time for me to relax my hair when that happened.  Today, I can say that I have no relaxers and hair colors and my hair, (as well as me) are very happy about that.  My hair isn't long by any stretch but I am surprised by how much I love my hair.  I finally don't take my hair for granted.  I actually pay attention to my hair and I love every inch of my hair and I love every curl.  Here are some pics of women who too seem to love their natural hair.

"I Know I've Been Changed" by LaShun Pace Rhodes

Chorus: 2x
I know I've been changed
I know I've been changed
I know I've been changed

Angels in Heaven done signed my name
Well if you don't believe that I've been redeemer
you know the (angels in Heaven done signed my name)
Oh follow me down to that old Jordan stream

Angels in Heaven done signed my name stepped in the water and the water was cold
you know the angels in Heaven done signed my name
oh it chilled my body but not my soul
Angels in Heaven done signed my name

Chorus: 2x
Spoken:Somebody said how can a brown cow eat green grass and give you white milk
well if you think that's something
God's chemical laboratory of redemption
took my black soul and dipped in red bloodand I came out white as snow

Angels in Heaven done signed my name
Angels in Heaven done signed my name

Positive qualities

I do have low self esteem, which is true. However, I don't take the time to be thankful or write positive things about myself.

These are my positive qualities.  I think I have many positive qualities.  I don't lack humility.  I think it is true.

1. Sincerity
2. Kindness
3. Wise
4. Intuitive
5. Caring
6. Loving
7. Intelligent
8. Fair-minded
9. Opinionated
10. Loyal
11. Earnest
12. Family-oriented
13. Unselfish
14. Prayerful
15. Affirmation oriented
16. Polite
17. Daydreamer
18. Versatile
19. Talented
20. Clean-cut

I believe that those are just a few good qualities that I share with most people.  I believe that I am a good person who doesn't always feel that way about myself.  I don't mean to be arrogant when I write this, but I do have this tendency to explain myself to others.  I do care about what others think and that is a negative quality that I have struggled to change.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Hello Fear by Kirk Franklin

I wish that I had the courage to live that song.  There are moments when I think that courage is something I possess.  I can be obvious with my feelings yet I am encouraged whenever I speak the truth.  I wonder if there are such thing as a person having "their truth".  Do we as people have "our truth", or is it just the truth as interpreted by different people?  Whatever that means, fear is something that I struggle with and have struggled with most of my life.  It makes me wonder why I fear people, or spiders, or confrontation.  I tire of things and I do trust fear because it has shielded me from the world.  I have created a fantasy world of my own where there is no fear and anxiety is managed.  I can face my fears and my anxiety can be faced without doubt.  I wish I had the courage to even say goodbye to fear.  I am unfortunately not at that stage yet, but I am always hopeful.

You Don't Have to be Afraid by Take 6

The situation gettin' rough
And you feel it's more than you can take
The good things in your life
And problems seem to outwheigh

When will you let go and understand
That I've got the master plan
You've gotta trust Me and just believe
That I'm always holdin' your hand
You don't have to be afraid

[Chorus:]
You don't have to be afraid
Let My love show you the way
(I'm right by your side)
That's where I'll stay
So you don't have to be afraid

Somebody said that problems come
They only come to make you strong
You see, I'm never far away
And you know I'll never steer you wrong

When will you let go and understand
That I've got the master plan

[Chorus:]

My eye is on the sparrow
And I'm always watchin' you
I have so much more love to give
And I'm gonna see you through
Don't be afraid, yeah

[Chorus:]

"Jesus, Precious King" by Beverly Crawford

[Intro:]
Jesus, when troubles burden me down,
Jesus, I know Your love's all around,
Jesus, that's my King.

[Chorus 1:]
Jesus, when troubles burden me down,
Jesus, I know Your love's all around,
Jesus, oh yes, Precious King.

[Verse 1:]
When darkness gathers and friends forsake me,
I know You'll never let me down.
I know You'll answer whatever betides me,
You're just a jewel hat I have found;
Jesus, oh yes, Precious King.

[Chorus 2:]
Jesus, Your name's the sweetest I know,
Jesus, I'll tell it wherever I go;
Jesus, oh yes, Precious King.

[Verse 2:]
When darkness gathers and friends forsake me,
I know You'll never let me down.
I know You'll answer whatever betides me,
You're just a jewel hat I have found.

[Vamp 1:]
Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus.

[Ending:]
Jesus, oh yes,
[repeat as desired]

Jesus, oh yes, Precious King.

I wish I could see the positives.

Sometimes I feel like starting life all over.  I wish I could.  I do wonder, however, if there will be any benefits.  I have grown tired of life as usual.  You see, I am a procrastinator, and an extreme one at that.  I wish I could be one of those people who have not only the heart and motivation, but also the will do to things.  These are the people that admire.

I wish I could do more to admire myself.  You see, I am anxiety-ridden and fearful.  I am fearful of everything and seemingly everyone.  I don't trust myself and I care what others think.  It has been like that ever since I was a child.  I may have been anxiety ridden and uncertain ever since childhood and I didn't realize it until recently.

At least I realize that I have a problem.  My blog posts today have been about going in circles because of anxiety, stress, and procrastination.  I want, need, and desire greatly to change.  In short, I need help.  I don't know what to do.  However, I won't give up.  I am always hopeful yet it seems that I have no hope.  I try and I try but always seem to fail at everything.  I hate failure.  I cannot stand doing the wrong thing.

Why do I have OCD?  It is because of the reasons about.  I also hate uncertainty.  I want to know the answers to everything and when I don't know the answers, I feel like I am a total ditz or rather, not very bright.  That was how I felt today.  I don't like the idea of feeling this way because it is embarrassing.

Maybe embarrassing is too strong a word.  I seem to be stressed out over the littlest things.  How do I overcome this?  I realize that I need to cope with these issues.

Encourage

I feel more motivated than ever before.  Now I know it is time for me to lose weight and keep it off.  I need help, however.

I don't think this is normal

I am worried that I will fail.  My worries and fears will come true anyways.  It is not a good thing to have in a personal resume so to speak.  I fear failure, but I fail anyway.  I guess that is why I have difficulty losing weight, aside from the low self-esteem, fear, and pcos.  I have always had an issue with self esteem which contributes to body image which contributes to worry, doubt, fear, and discouragement.  I could use some encouragement right about now.  If I were to answer the important questions, I wouldn't be sure if I were ready or motivated.  I asked if my feelings about this issue was being normal.  I want to overcome this discouragement but I would have given the wrong answer despite evidence to the contrary.  Something is definitely wrong with me and it is sad that I could either be in denial or maybe I am normal after all.

Is this normal?

Have I really thought things through?  Really.  There are times when I don't wish to lose weight.  Do I want to lose weight?  Do I really need to lose weight?  The desire is not there.  As I type this, I am surprised by my candor.  But at the same time, I wonder if I am taking a risk.  Have I really thought this through?  I talk a good game but my heart isn't in it.  I want to do the right thing for myself and my overall health, but there are other factors to other factors to consider.  My mind and heart have to be in it, but I have to realize how risky it is.  I wonder if my feelings are normal.  I have diabetes.  I have PCOS.  I am self-conscious.  I have low self-esteem.  Those are the five reasons why losing weight is vital for me.  But like I said, are my heart and mind into it.  I have made so little progress in losing weight that it scares me that I have this mindset.  Losing weight is hard.  But having this mindset and not knowing about weight loss is even scarier.  Also, coupled with the facts that I weigh so much and have a high Body Mass Index and my insight may not be normal to most, but to be honest, that is how I feel.  Why do I really want to lose weight?  Is it for me?  Is it for other people?  I feel so selfish and so blinded.  I wonder what is really going on with me.

I am more than ready

I still don't have a clue as to the plan for my life, but I believe that there is a clue about activity.  I haven't been as active as I used to be.  I don't like change, yet consistency is an issue.  I have self-esteem issues and I have to say that using that as a crutch would go a long way in keeping myself from moving forward.  To me, moving forward involves getting out of an emotional, physical, and psychological rut.  I would love for nothing better than to get out of that rut.  I have spent a long time in that rut and therefore I have made so little progress.  I know what to do, but I have no idea how to apply what I have learned.  My self-esteem would say, " I am not that smart a person.  How come it is taking you so long?"  Reality says, "I would like to believe that with some change, that I can overcome anything.  It will take a while but it is best to overcome whatever needs changing."  In other words, I believe that no one will believe what is really gone wrong with me.

Despite poor eating habits, I have just given up on myself.  I have become self-conscious of my weight as well. Low self-esteem would say, "I am lazy."  But what is really going on?  I have been self-conscious before, so now what is the problem?  The root problem is that I believe it is due to wanting to live the real world despite creating a fantasy world for myself.  I have had this problem ever since I was a child.  I always thought for one reason I was too this and not enough this.  There was a time when I once weighed much less.  I thought that I would feel better once I am this weight.

Yesterday was a wake up call.  I need to look inside myself and read up previous entries.  Maybe that isn't such a good idea, reading of course.  I am in a place where while I embrace my age, I have yet to embrace who I am and what I really want and what I really need.  I have my desires, but do they match up to what I want and what I need?  I have been become so overwhelmed that it seems that nothing is going to work.  I don't have a solution, at least not an easy one.  It will take a while and this is all that I know.

Plans for my life

I realize that none of my goals came through fruition.  I feel lonely sometimes because of my failures. I often wonder what my life will be life if my goals were met.    I wanted so much out of my life that I wonder if I even made plans for my life.  I wish I knew what went wrong.  Maybe I should have done a better job of planning my life.  As encouraging as many of my posts are, I have been left discouraged.  I rather not get into what is wrong, but I feel as if something went wrong.  Maybe I am wrong.  I wish I knew of the plans God has for me.  For years I feel like something has held me back. Unfortunately, I have failed to plan or planned to fail.  But whatever the case may be, I have to learn from my failures.  I also have to learn from whatever I have accomplished as well.

Music from other lands that I like

 "Halhi" by Amr Diab (Egypt)

 "Oro De Ley" by Luis Miguel (Mexico)

 "Valenti" by Boa (South Korea)

 "Vem Agora Espirito Santo" by Marcello Brayner (Brazil)

 "Hosanna"(?) by  Tagesech Ammachcho (Ethiopia)

"Canteixere " by Luar na Lubre" (Galicia-Spain)

 "Caballito Chontaleño" by Eliopoldo Amador Perez Garcia y Santos (Nicaragua)