Pitbull ft. Christina Aguilera...Feel this moment

Nothing to muse upon today...I just love this song.

Being patient

I am doing well today.  I hope that I will do better next time I say.  I am referring to my weight.  Being overweight certainly has its drawbacks, namely people prejudging you to health issues.  I can't and won't control what others think, but I can control my health.  I have lost 30 lbs and I feel great so far.  I want to lose 70 more pounds but I need help to see the positives instead of focusing on the negatives, like wanting to lose 70 more pounds. 

It is rough for anyone to see the positives, especially if one has a long way to go.  Why is that?  I don't know, but my guess has to do with a lack of patience.  We live in a society where things are quickly downloaded, microwaved, etc.  We live in a society where patience is not a virtue and I admit that patience has never been one of my virtues.  Over time I have learned to be more patient in all things.

I guess that is what being a believer is about, from praying for a need to waiting on a ride to just waiting for hair to grow.  I had to cut my hair because I wasn't patient enough.  It is always better to be patient.  Patience, like honesty,  is the best policy.

Being frazzled

I wonder if being frazzled has to do with being manic or depressed.  Being bipolar just sucks, but I have to endure it.  I am always mindful that there are many who are mentally ill that are doing much worse than I.  There are starving people in the world and I am feeling guilty about being so self-centered and self-absorbed.  I feel that being mentally ill gives one a sense of clarity and a sense of reality that I wouldn't have otherwise.  I wonder if I can handle being in another person's shoes however.  It probably would be difficult to bear since anything can be a trigger for an obsessive thought.

Growing tired and reflecting

I am growing tired of being sick and tired.  I laid it out there for God from my weight to my social life to my obsession with Mickey Rourke. 

I have been obsessed with Mickey Rourke for just a while now and it is bothering me.  I need to get out more.  It doesn't matter why, but I find him sexy for his age and rather attractive.  He was hot when he was younger. But now, I feel that it is getting out of hand.  I am no stalker; I just like to look at pics of him and watch his movies.  Diner was a good film and he did well on "The Expendables" and he was the best part of "Iron Man 2".  "Iron Man 2" suffered from a lack of Mickey Rourke, lack of a backstory, and good editing.  But other than that, I thought it was fun to watch.  It wasn't that horrible.  "The Expendables" and "Diner" are not for kids, but they were also fun to watch.  I have yet to watch a Mickey Rourke movie that was truly bad (I have heard some clunkers.) or a bad performance from him. (The guy is just that good an actor.)

Anyways, I have begun to grow tired.  I have suffered from being overwhelmed long enough.  I have to realize that self-control and a lack of patience are not things that I use as excuses.  I have a good enough mind as to where I have the free will to make a choice.  I can choose to eat cake or I can choose not to eat a slice of cake, for example.  Self-control is very important if not vital to Christian living.  Without it, we would live as if we don't have a strong enough foundation, at least spiritually and we could end up suffering spiritually, emotionally, and pychologically.

My weight is another matter.  The good news is I lost more than 30 lbs.  The bad news is I am losing it too slow, but that may be due to my having PCOS.  I make too many excuses I believe.  It is one thing to be aware that I have PCOS but it is another thing to use it as an excuse or a crutch.  I hope that the former rather than the latter is true in my case.  In either case, it requires some reflection on my part.

How to deal with stress has gotten easier.  I am a person who would be prone to heart disease because I am diabetic and other issues including stress.  Stress is like a wave I guess.  The bigger the wave the more devastation it can cause.  I will have to meditate on that one.

My spiritual and physical health

It is well with my soul.  That is a very beautiful song because it is or should be well with a believer's soul.  Believers live with the Lord in them, for lack of better terms.  I am happy today.  It has been a trying time and after yesterday's post, I find myself in a good mood.  I am not tired or manic or depressed.  I feel like a load has been lifted off of me today.

I believe that there is a link between diet and mood.  But exercise also lifts the mood.  I feel that there is so much that I have to learn.  I feel like there is something that I wished that I had learned earlier.  I have always wondered that.

I have learned to eat healthy today.  To me eating healthy would have had to include eating an array of fruits and vegetables, a helping of dairy, and a helping of lean meats, all of which I had today.  I have wanted to eat healthy because I wish to lose weight.

Losing weight for me has been a great big goal of mine.  I wish to finally weigh 210 lbs within a year.  Right now, I have a long way to go, but I also have come a long, long way.  I am just thinking and musing about what is going on with my life and with my health. 

It no longer matters

I am feeling better and doing better.  I have come to realize that with obsessive thoughts, there are no answers, at least when we are seeking them.  The answers came naturally for me.  The truth of the matter is is that it doesn't matter.  My thoughts are my thoughts and my thoughts alone.  They can be controlled and they can be managed.  Since I am bipolar, they may be part of the manic or mixed state.  I sometimes wake up due to obsessive thought that are disturbing or bothersome. 

However, I do wonder if it is possible to put myself into these disturbing situations?  It is almost impossible to pretend or to imagine verbatim, but there are details that can be acted out, I guess.  That is what has been happening today.  What if I were having a series of one night encounters with strange men and I was unhappy with my own spouse?  Here is the scenario based on reality: I am not married nor have I ever been married, so I have never cheated nor have I been cheated on by my spouse.

I am just musing today about my thoughts because I have nothing else to muse about.  However, I am just musing about my obsessive thoughts.  I could muse about the birds and the bees, cars, or children.  It is my blog and I could muse about affirmations if that is my desire.  The blog is about what I think and feel about situations.  Sometimes it is based from God's Word.  Other times, it is based on experience.  I just like to share my thoughts, or rather musings.

Anatomy of an obsessive thought

I wish I could answer that question.  Really, I wish I could, but adultery is based on the fact that one's needs are not being met in the marriage.  It is a selfish, cowardly, dishonest act.  I often wonder what goes into the minds of one who commits infidelity, even one who is a fictional character.  It sounds silly, I know.  However, it is how I live my days.

I have been having obsessive thoughts about infidelity for a number of years now and it is manageable, but still quite annoying.  I am concerned that I will never get over that because I avoid movies, shows, and avoid reading books in which infidelity is a theme.  Anything can be a trigger to an obsesive thought and that is what I am afraid of.  I hate avoidance but for years it has become a necessary evil, and nothing more than a coping mechanism that has made my world smaller.

I realize that as a bipolar, I can get obsessive thoughts and I do.  It is very rough.  I have been diagnosed as being bipolar, but not OCD.  I guess there is a relation between the two since bipolars can get obsessive thoughts and bipolar disorder is not easy to diagnose.  Having bipolar disorder sucks at times with the manic episodes, the depression, and the mixed states, which I generally have.
It is hard at times to deal with the irritability, the tiredness, and the obsessive thoughts at the same time.

Life can be harder for me, I admit.  It has been harder yet I am getting sick and tired of just managing the thoughts and taking the meds.  It is stressful at times because obsessive thoughts are a nuissance at times.  I just woke up due to an obsessive thought about a tv character who has one night stands on a husband who won't sleep with her yet is raising her child by another man.  The couple is having problems in the marriage and she doesn't deal with problems very well.  Sometimes things that are disturbing have been waking me up every once in a while and it is disturbing at times.  I guess it is the mania.

I am here to write that there is an anatomy to these thoughts.  There is being drawn to the source of the thoughts which is often a book or the internet, regardless if the character is fictional or not.  In the case of the woman, she is fictional so generally I don't have to watch the show.  I could reason it out that way, but it doesn't work.  I generally do "research" online because I am so drawn to the storyline of infidelity even though I end up feeling guilty later.  Then I have a thought or a series of inter-related thoughts that I mull over or ruminate over trying and hopefully quelling the anxiety I have due to the previous actions.  It is easy to say why I did what I did, but it is like an addiction I guess.  I perform a compulsion like wondering why she did what she did with how many men, etcetera.

I realize that unless I watch the show or the movie, I will never find the answers that I seek during my so-called research.  If I end up finding the answers, then I am relieved yet the thoughts don't leave altogether.  This is where it gets tricky.  They take time to leave or it is in the back of my mind.  I have come to realize that if it is in the back of my mind still, then I have not gotten over it.  To me the answer is patience and distraction.  Let the thoughts pass, especially since the topic is not based on a real person.  The thoughts say one thing, but reality says something else entirely.  I prefer to listen to reality, where infidelity is real and people do get hurt.  The thoughts want me to hate this particular tv character for not being a good person.  The thoughts may say something true yet I have never watched the show nor am I the condemning type.

 I think that adulterers are being selfish and dishonest because of their lack of respect for their marriages and their spouses, but I have never cheated, nor have I ever been cheated on.  Why I have these particular thoughts I will never understand.  I had come to realize is that it no longer matters.  It will always remain a mystery.  Thoughts will eventually come and I have to realize that.  It is just that I wish I could find the cure to these thoughts.