Too Close by Next

Dancing and dance music are absolutely fun.  I was listening to this song from a while back and sometimes I forget how good music sounds from a vehicle.  Ironically I don't feel that way about country music coming from the radio.  I rather watch a country music video or listen to a live performance.  I just find music and this song in particular, fascinating.  I just realized that I don't usually describe songs as fascinating but I wasn't sure what else to write in particular.  This is a song that I would recommend for exercise.

I love gardening and gardening shows

I love gardening.  I really do.  The problem is that I have no idea how to plant a flower much less grow and take care of an entire garden.  I believe and find that learning about nature and gardening are quite relaxing, and actually doing it are actually going a long way into one being more productive.  There is nothing in the world like being productive.  I believe that people who are more productive are less likely to quit and make better citizens.  Being lazy is not what makes a good gardener, believer, or anything in all stages in life. Making excuses just pushes things farther back and make them worse.

Happy Birthday, Erykah Badu

Being thankful instead of complaining

Maybe I do complain too much.  It is quite safe where I am from.  I live in a safe, quiet neighborhood where not a whole lot happens.  I wonder if all of my neighbors know me, much less like me.  I feel like I was musing about what I was missing more so than what I have and what I should be thankful for.  Sometimes it happens to all of us I guess.  I felt like giving up at times.  I do complain a lot and I am tempted to complain right now, but I won't.

What am I missing?

I have no idea about what to do with my life.  I am 39 years old and I feel like life has passed me by.  I am thankful for what I have.  I feel like there is something that is missing.  I don't know what it is, but I am wondering what is missing in my life.  I am in need of excitement.  Sometimes, I feel like I have nothing to show for it.  I hope that I am wrong, but that is how I feel at the moment.  It is quite a lonely experience.

My own infidelity

Yesterday I wrote about women's infidelity and I admit that I came across as a judgmental person.  I don't like that about myself.  Infidelity is wrong, yes, but I believe that as a woman, I am doing the same thing with the Lord.  I don't always read scripture, pray, or spend time with the Lord.  I spend my time worrying about what the world thinks of me.  I want to be a part of Him.  Instead, I want Him to be a part of me.  It seems strange but I am trying to say that God should be the center of my life and the Head of my life.  Sometimes, I make God my co-pilot instead of giving Him the controls.  That is a problem that I need to work with.  I am a flawed human being who lacks wisdom and is in need of His guidance daily.  I have to realize that I am in the world but not of the world.  The world doesn't have the understanding, nor do they have the Holy Spirit such as a believer.  He wants me to be humble, yet I do have fears and I am anxious.  I do worry a lot about what is going on in the world, specifically having to do with me.  I feel like I have not grown spiritually or emotionally.  It has been a struggle.  I wonder if it is because of a lack of faith or is it because of something else.  To me, it does matter why I am sometimes being unfaithful to the Lord and I am cheating with the world just as Gomer has cheated on Hosea through prostitution.  Like Gomer, sin has brought her down to the lowest point, but I believe that she has been redeemed.  Jesus died on the cross so that we can be forgiven and loved like Gomer was with Hosea.  That is what the story is how I interpret it.  I have a lot of learn in this world.  I have spent so much time in fear and what the world thinks of me, that I have not realized that I have Someone who loves me, flaws, warts, and all.

Anatomy of women and infidelity

I have had thoughts about infidelity for many years.  I am a judgmental person.  I don't see how a woman can cheat on a good man.  I felt bad about that because my thoughts are unrealistic.  Deep down inside, I see myself as a judgmental individual who is adhering to a double standard of sorts.  I find myself curious, yet I find myself angry.  It is upsetting to hear about, read, or see an adulterous woman.  It is interesting since Gomer in the Bible was an adulterous woman who her husband truly loved.  I don't even know if she ever truly loved him.  She may have loved him at one time, but I will never know.  That isn't the point in my opinion.  Gomer committed adultery and prostitution, yet her husband still loved her.  I can only imagine the pain that Hosea went through.

That is the problem.  I can only imagine.  I am isolated yet I feel isolated from the real world.  I want to see an adulterous woman hurt the way she hurt her "loved" one.  I felt that the adulterous woman was a bigger fool than an adulterous man.  The truth is, I have seemed to hate the deeds and dislike adulterous women for I don't think that they have morals.  But that is also what the thoughts say.  Why do I feel that way?  Will I ever truly know?  Are these only theories or is it based on what I think is the truth?  The problem is, all I have are questions, scenarios, and uncertainties.  I would why a woman would cheat.  I wondered how many she also slept with and what happened to her.  Was she rewarded for it with alimony payments from the scorned husband?  Did she lose everything?  Was she killed?  I have written stories about adulterous women and they have been graphic and exaggerated.  I have felt better since I have written about them, yet I was afraid of reading them.  Hopefully, I will feel better about how I feel about women and infidelity.

CCM music songs

Frustration stems from fear

I have been fearsome most of my life.  I just don't fear what bad thing will happen to me today.  I am just scared.  I am scared of my eternal destiny which is understandable.  I am scared of my own reflection sometimes late at night.  I am scared of what will happen during a confrontation.  I am scared of what will happen if my health doesn't improve.  I am scared of who I love dying.  I am just afraid that something bad will happen, period.  I am most afraid that my circumstances will never change no matter how hard I try. This is what leads to frustration.  For years, the frustration was due to a lack of patience.  Little did I know that it was stemming from fear.  I wanted to finish a project because of fear.  I fear watching a tv show because of fear.  Fear has ruled my life and I realize that it has not been good for me or my health.  My independence...I have little idea of how to be independent and think for myself.  I have been in fear of hurting others, yet most of them cared nothing about me.  It is a lonely experience being fearful and alone.  I need help and it seems so hopeless.  There are times when I am scared of my own shadow.

Frustration stems from a lack of patience

I have learned three things: I frustrate easily, I have trouble relaxing, and I can sleep easily.  Maybe I am just fatigued.  It all stemmed from a lack of patience on my part.  I have never really been patient.  Ironically, I have become more patient as time goes along.  Unfortunately, my lack of patience is causing frustration on a major level with my weight.  I am overweight, diabetic, and have PCOS.  My diet is poor, and my exercise regimen is nill.  The answer is to exercise and eat right.  However, why don't I do that?  Why don't I eat right and exercise?  I remember a time when I was more active, but that was a while ago.  I have excuses but not many good reasons.  I can move around, but I wouldn't know where to begin and that is a problem that I need to get over.  Things just don't come easily for me.  What am I afraid of?  Really.  What am I afraid of?

Grocery Shopping

Learning to apply things is not easy.  I would like to know more about saving money on groceries.  I don't go shopping much, but when I do, I spend too much.    I would  like to spend less than a specific amount per month, but I end up spending much, much more.

I need to spend according to how many people live in the house. There are only 2 people that live in the house: my mother and me.  I have been living there all of my life and so does my mother.  She has told me about my spending habits.  I agree, but I have no idea how to spend money that wisely even with only two people.

I may have to do a meal plan.  That would be sufficient if they weren't so time-consuming.  It would also be a waste of time ironically.  I formulated a meal plan and I realize that I do eat the same foods but I eat the same food as my mother, some of the time.  That is the problem.  I like Mexican foods and Italian foods and she eats fewer processed foods and more vegetables than I do.

That is the problem.  How do I stop consuming so many processed foods and eat more fruits and vegetables per day?  How do I eat whole grains?  I would like to have the same thing that a person who is healthier consumes.  It would be great since I am trying to lose weight and stay and live healthier.  That is the goal that I wish to reach.  I would also like to save on healthier foods.  The question is: where do I begin?

My new outlook

Today I have an outlook that I never thought that I had.  I think it is important to start off small because I want to actually finish my project.  My project at the moment is losing weight.  I have issues with finishing a project because the task seems so overwhelming.  I want to lose the weight and keep it off.  I want to be fit and healthy.  I want to fit into a smaller wardrobe.  I, like no one I know, like clothes that are too tight-fitting.  It is quite embarrassing and humiliating.  I am thankful that I have a nice wardrobe, but I want a more expanded wardrobe.  It is unfair that larger women don't have as much to choose from compared to smaller women.  We even have to pay more.  I would like to be comfortable, healthy, fit, and be able to see and feel the benefits of losing weight.  Ironically I realize that it wasn't my weight that was THE root of my issues, it was me.  I get so overwhelmed because I am not a patient person and I fear that I will never reach my goal.  I would like to prove myself wrong and not worry about what the negative voices in my head says.  It doesn't feel good that I compare myself to other women who are smaller.  The root is from being self-conscious about gaining so much weight over the years.  The truth is, I want to lose weight and be leaner, but I would like to lose weight because of the "bonuses" of losing weight.

Dealing with anxiety....and actually doing it.

I am doing so much better now.  However, I had an anxious night.  Thoughts that were bothering me kept flooding in my mind.  It was interesting to say the least.  Maybe having another night like this could actually do me some good.  On the other hand, dealing with anxiety and fear have been hard at times.  I feel like I need to relax.  I woke up early this morning, earlier than usual.  I realize that my life has gotten back on track.  I think that I will get better.   It will take some time and some patience.  I just wish that I was more patient.

Thankful N' Thoughtful by Sly and the Family Stone

There is nothing like being both thankful and thoughtful.  There is also nothing like being thankful and thoughtful for what you don't have.  So far, life has been good.  This is the first time I have ever listened to this song, but I like it.  It is Sly and the Family Stone's "Thankful N' Thoughtful".  The reasons are mental clarity, thankful for God for all things, my family, and that all is well despite what we have been through.  I hope to never to take things for granted again.

Going natural

I have just pre-shampooed with oil, wash my hair with shampoo, and then I use leave-in conditioner.  i am not into buying too many or even one expensive product unless they are good quality.  I am talking about my hair routine because I have to admit that I haven't taken as much care of my hair as I do now.  I want my natural hair to be even and shiny.  I feel pretty good because my hair "feels" clean.  I started on my natural hair "journey" in August.  There are some advantages to having natural hair and being natural that I didn't have with relaxed hair.  I can take care of my hair easily compared to relaxed hair because of the expense of going through chemical burns, the limited use of products that I have, and the expense of having to buy a relaxer every few weeks so that my "naps" would be straightened..

I love having relaxed hair, but that is all in the past, now.  I love having natural hair.  I don't have to worry about chemicals, dyes, and bleaches, if I wish to have my hair bleached, which is a foolish thing to do.  I damaged my hair to the point where when I relaxed it, much of my hair fell out.  I became afraid to use relaxers.  I cannot say why I started on this journey other than that, but I have been watching videos online from other women who went natural and how they were taking care of their hair.  It peaked my interest even more.  It was during a brief transitioning stage from having relaxed hair to having natural hair.  To me, cutting off all of my relaxed hair was a signal of independence, which I sorely needed.  I wanted to do something for myself, so that is what I did.  It felt more liberating than anything.  This is decision that I have not regretted.

Sly Stallone is cool in my book.

Jesus is a Love Song by Karen Clark Sheard

This is an amazing song that I should listen to more often.  This song clearly demonstrate what love is really all about.  All believers are called to become part of the future bride of Christ, yet all will not participate except for those who are true.  This is sad but true.  Many professing believers will not be wise virgins because of how they have failed to live their lives.  Many did not love the Lord with all their hearts, minds, and strengths.  This is a song I recommend to everyone.

Just Another Dream by Cathy Dennis

It is an amazing song that I could easily exercise to.  So what I did was to it was download it on my mp3 player.  It was real, but life could either be a dream or be a nightmare.  Today was a nightmare.  My computer slowed down, I blew my "diet", and I am still sore and tired.  Life isn't hard, but I wish that I could dream right now, but what would I dream about?

Acts 8:38-40

38 And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him. ³⁹ And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing. ⁴⁰ But Philip found himself at Azotus, and as he passed through he preached the gospel to all the towns until he came to Caesarea.

This is an interesting verse for me because I cannot relate to that verse as well.  I have wondered if God was trying to tell me something.  Often I wake up to verses or songs in my head and I wondered if there is something out there for me.  I don't know.  Either way, this verse was of great interest to me, yet I cannot link it to my life.  I am supposed to apply each and every verse to my life, but I have wondered what is God's will concerning this particular verse.  In this verse, Phillip was baptizing an Ethiopian eunuch, who rejoiced afterward.  I wonder if this is a calling from God, to baptize others, to be baptized, or something else.  Whatever the case, I am grateful for the word that has been sent to me.

Abre Caminho by Mariene de Castro

This song takes me to Brazil, so to speak.  Well, I would like to go to Brazil and experience the culture and meet the people there.  It is not the same as going online to meet new people.  I would like to go out and meet actual people.  I would get a better sentence of seeing people for who they really are and not what I think they are.  I would be welcomed so I am told however.  This video is a fascinating song and even though sung in Portuguese, I feel a sense of connection to especially Bahia.  I am a black American and I have read about the numerous cultures of this nation.  I would like to learn about Brazil's strong African roots.  I would like to travel and get to learn about cultures.  I as an American believe that we are isolated from the rest of the world, therefore making it easier for us, despite our technological advances there.  The world is a much smaller place despite the disconnect between I have learned here from American sources and what I have learned from actual Brazilian people. 

Psalm 23

Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He maketh me to lie in green pastures
He leadeth me beside still waters
He restoreth my soul
He leadeth me
In the path of righteousness for His name sakes
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil for thou art with me
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever.

I remember reciting this as a kid during a presentation in front of the parents.  I was about 8 or 9 years old at the time.  I remember my parents were there and so was my brother.  Those were the days until I was 12.  My father passed away early in life.  I miss those days and those who were gone during those days.

Fast forward to now.  Psalm 23 is the one psalm I could memorize from beginning to ending.  In fact the memories and Psalm that I memorized as a kid came flooding back for me.  As a matter of fact, I believe that God wanted me to meditate on this psalm.  I realize that God is telling something.  Maybe I have nothing to worry about.  Maybe I worry too much.  I need to not doubt but to walk in faith.  Life is hard enough without faith.  Faith doesn't say that life will be easier but faith does say that there is Hope in the world.  Maybe that is what Psalm 23 is about.  It has given me peace of mind and says much about the character of God.

Schedule of Events During the Day

Here are a schedule of events that are subject to change during the day.  I believe that scheduling can be restricting but at the same time it does say a lot about a person.  Planning is about prioritizing.  Life skills are about what I do with that planning and how I manage my time.  It is simple as that.

Here is a schedule of events that I follow during the day:

Wake up                                                                        4:30-9:00 (depending on the day)
Meditation                                                                     First thing that I do during the day
Getting ready for the day                                             Planning what I will do for the day
Breakfast                                                                        5:30-9:00 (depending on the day)
Medication and Multivitamin                                       
Exercise                                                                          9:00-10:00 a
Music                                                                              9:00-10:00 a
Relax                                                                               Relaxation is a general term.
Lunch                                                                              11:00am -2:00 pm
Pray                                                                                 Time to focus
Read                                                                                Read one chapter
Exercise                                                                          Rest physically/ sleep
Rest
Eat a snack                                                                      Fruit, Granola Bar, etc 
Music                                                                               Preaching, music, etc.
Prayer                                                                             Contemplation and thanksgiving
Read
Dinner                                                                              4:00-7:00 pm
Prayer                                                                              Pouring my heart to God and thanksgiving
Journals                                                                           5:00-9:00 pm
Snacks                                                                              6-8:00 pm
Prayers
Read online                                                                     7:00 pm- midnight
Use the internet                                                               7:00 pm- midnight
Prayer                                                                              Prayer of Thanksgiving
Sleep                                                                                 11:00pm -midnight

This is just a general schedule of what my day would be like.  However, I wonder what my schedule really says about me.  Should I pray and read more?  Should I eat less or more?  Should I plan my day better?  These are questions that I should be asking myself whenever I have a said plan.  Sometimes I would like to do things differently.  There are other times when I am bored and there are times when I am much happier with my schedule.  Sometimes I feel as if I am being ruled by a plan of events.  It doesn't become about planning it become more about a routine or at least a routine that controls my day.  In that sense, prioritizing can become more important and it helps to improve my life skills such as cleaning up a house or studying.  Those things are something that I focus on daily.  I would rather make some changes to my day or just be content with what I have.

Dukes of Hazzard

I love this show.  "Dukes of Hazzard" was hilarious.  I loved all of the characters, even the unlikeable Boss Hogg.  I am feeling nostalgic just watching this show and writing about it.  The 80s was a great time.  I cannot get into many tv shows anymore.  There are a lot of reality shows; in fact, reality shows are like award shows.  There are just too many of them.  I am not a big fan of reality tv or some award shows.  Sure there are great shows on tv but unlike the shows I watched when I was a child, I cannot get into them.  I guess I am too nostalgic for my own good.

R.I.P, Phillip Seymour Hoffman

I didn't watch a lot of his movies and such, but it is just so tragic when a person dies young.  May he rest in peace.

The concept of change

Change is like money.  It is quite valuable yet one has to be wise with it.  It is like water because it is also valuable.  Change can be therefore, a good thing.  I don't understand why I am so set in my ways.  I am a woman who isn't perfect and thus I have a God who has changed me.  Getting too comfortable seems so easy compared to change.  But getting too comfortable can be boring.  That has been my problem and that is why the world has been passing me by, or so it seems.  I feel like life has passed me by because I am safe.  It has nothing ironically to do with outright safety, but I am in a safe zone because of fear.  Change for me would involve my wanting to get out of my comfort zone and facing my fears.  I am just reflecting on my life and what is being too comfortable for me.  I am in a world where it is easy to be fearful and avoid what is so fearful.  Being too comfortable involves avoiding what is tormenting us but we all have to face our fears.  Fear after all, is false evidence that appears real.