Imagine Me Without You by Jaci Velasquez

It is scary to think that I lived without God.  Now I can't imagine my life without God.  God isn't a co-pilot.  He is the Pilot.  He is the General.  He is our Leader.  He is our Savior.  Let Him lead and guide.  You will not be disappointed.  No matter what one faces, He is greater than all of that.

Vanilla pound cake

Here is my recipe for vanilla pound cake:

Ingredients:

3 cups self rising flour
2 cups sugar
2 sticks of softened butter or margarine
1/4 cup vanilla extract
3 large eggs
1-2 teaspoons milk

Directions:

In a large mixing bowl, add the softened butter and beat.  Then mix in the sugar.  After the sugar and butter have been well mixed, slowly add in the eggs and pour in the vanilla extract.  The mixture will be creamy.  Once the mixture is creamy or fluffy, slowly add in the flour and mix scraping the sides of the bowl so that all of the batter is mixed in.  Slowly, pour in a lightly greased and floured baking pan.  Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for an hour.  Once the cake is ready, cool for about 30 minutes to an hour.  Then serve.

Obsessions and being a believer

It is only morning, but I felt like writing this.  I have been having obsessive thoughts I guess for most of my life and all of my adulthood.  Having these thoughts is hard and frustrating.  The blessing in disguise is that they have gotten me closer and more dependent on the Lord.  That is what is happening now.  I will always have these thoughts, and I will have to accept that and accept them.  However, I know and realize that they are only temporary compared to what happens in eternity. 

I wonder what Heaven will be like, because I don't plan on going to Hell. One of the most frustrating thoughts that I have had lasted for a long time.  It is about my going to Hell when I die.  We should all be worried about our souls and the condition of our souls.  Where are we going to end up?  Are we ready?  Have we received Christ as our Lord and Savior?  Those things that all of us should think about every day.  We must test ourselves to see if we are of the faith.  Our works and how we live our life should be proof that we are for real so to speak.

It is sad that there are many people who profess Christianity don't act like real Christians.  They are hypocrites and are among the deceived in the world.  But Jesus is their hope.  They don't have to remain how they are and where they are.  Let us take heed that no man deceives us.  I have been deceived and there are times that I feel that I behave like a total hypocrite, but God saved me from that.

I have been saved when I was a teenager.  Everything that would go wrong in my life did of course.  I feel like life was not worth living.  I was bipolar and had suicidal thoughts.  My grades were down and my roommate and I did not get along.  I even thought about or tried to commit suicide once, but decided against it.  It was a rough time.  Jesus saved me.  Now I am no longer suicidal and don't have suicidal thoughts.  I hope that I have grown much over the years.  I feel like God is a God of miracles and He certainly is.  My life is living proof.

I didn't realize that until now.  I had another light bulb moment; that was just my moment.  Maybe I can handle anything, including having obsessive thoughts.  It can be hard, but I ask God to help me do what is hard and that is to let the thoughts pass and not lelt them control me.  Being a Christian is not an easy ride.  You have to struggle and sacrifice.  I pray and wonder about those who have been truly persecuted. I cannot imagine what they are going through.  Being a Christian is the best life a person can have.

How easy is it to lose weight?

Yesterday I had another light bulb moment.  It is that losing weight is easier than I thought.  That is, if only I would put my mind to actually losing the weight.  I have fears about losing weight which I need to overcome.

Thinking that putting my mind into something is a great way to motivate someone.  That in turn makes me hopeful.

What also makes me hopeful is being grateful.  It clears my head and helps me to see what is important.  I am grateful that I lost weight.  I lost almost 30 lbs.  I feel so much better about not only losing the weight, but also that I am proud of the fact that I stuck it out and never truly gave up.  However, it was hard for me to go on and hard for me to give up.  I would be only hurting myself if I did give up.

I am glad that I did not give up.  I thought that I had to think of the alternative, which is to stay stressed and still stick it out.  So sticking it out was better to me than giving up, eating, struggling, eating, and starting all over again.  I lost all of this weight only to gain it back?  No way.  That was not going to happen.

Thanks be to God that I am on track.  I don't want to really type this, but this is really going to be a struggle.  I feel that I am doing so much better but I have a long way to go.  I want to lose an extra 70+ pounds and I am on a smoother path.  I think that losing the weight will be much, much easier.  I am motivated and more than willing to do the work that I need to do to lose weight.

Light bulb moments

I am optimistic that turns will turn out well, especially where obsessive thoughts are concerned.  I have been having issues with obsessive thoughts and I have come to accept that thoughts will come.  It is what I do with them that is important.  I have learned that in the grand scheme of things, those things are not the big deal my mind says they are.  I just have to let the thoughts pass, as hard as that is.  I even have obsessive thoughts about fictional characters.  The fictional characters are cheating or are usually cheated on and that is not a pleasant feeling.  I in reality don't care, but I would be lying if my mind doesn't make me care.  They produce feelings in me that I don't like like hatred, anger, or just being plain upset.  I hate having those feelings and I wonder if I don't feel that way about people in the subconscious.  It is as if I hate to have those feelings that other people have about a situation, if that makes any sense. 

There was another light bulb moment that I had and that was about my weight.  I allowed the stress to upset me and thus I failed to see the real issue, which was my impatience about my weight.  It has been slow because I lose on average less than a pound a week.  I had to change my diet and my mindset.  I also need to take better care of myself and I need to be even more active than I am now.  I haven't always eaten in moderation and that is my fault.

I take full responsibility for my actions and for my health.  I didn't have a healthy mind or mindset.  Neither do I have the healthy body.  I had a light bulb moment about a lifestyle change where I take better care of myself.  I have been self-conscious about my body and I would like to change that.  I also don't have the highest self esteem.  I would like to change my attitude and my mindset, which are the biggest issues.  The issue was what was really eating me and it was the stress that I put on myself.

I hope that I can use what I have learned as motivation so that I can lose the weight and keep it off.

Good and bad things

I am such a pessimistic person or rather cynical.  That is something that I need to change.  There is good in the world and there are many good people.I need to be more positive.  Maybe I should write about them.

There are many touching moments that occur in the world.  There is a lot of love and loyalty left.  The most positive news that ever occured in history is the fact that Jesus saves.  Something so negative turned into something so beautiful.  Jesus is the Picture of Friendship, Love, Sacrifice, and Loyalty.

I thank Him for saving me, and for dying on the cross for me.  Being loyal is a great attribute for a person to have.  I feel like writing about loyalty because it has been on my mind early this morning.  Loyal people tend to be good people.  They make best friends, and the best spouses.  I know I write much about the male/female dynamic, but it has also been on my mind.

I know that I can write about it.  But my problem is that I write too much about the bad things not just because they happen, but because of my mindset and what I have been exposed to.  I have been stressed out over the years about the state of the world that I felt that I couldn't help but being pessimistic.  Then I came to a realization that being a pessimistic person doesn't change anything about the world.  It certainly doesn't change anything about the world that is literally around me.  In fact, pessimism may make things worse.  Imagine a world where there is more optimism, loyalty, and integrity.  I can.

Divorce

I wish I knew about relationships between men and women from a personal standpoint, but I don't.  I am not in a relationship but I know what is right and what is wrong.  Infidelity is wrong, fornication is wrong, and every other form of disrespecting your spouse.  It is sad that some men and women cannot trust their own spouses, the person they share their homes and families with.  I wish that all of us would take marriage seriously, but many don't. 

It has been on my mind since I have read about a famous person who may be going through a rough divorce with his soon to be ex-wife.  The saddest thing is that they have children together.  Is there a selfishness when it comes to this issue?  I don't know, but one thing is for sure:  the children come first.

Divorce is not something God takes lightly and neither does marriage.  I guess marriage is hard.  This is a sad state of affairs with no-fault divorces and the seemingly increasing divide between men and women.  This story upset me because of the lack of trust and respect between the spouses.  It is even worse when there are children involved.  I wonder how people have become so selfish.  I wonder a lot of things.  But the answer is sin.  Sin is lawlessness.  It is breaking God's laws yet we are all sinful beings.  Everyone except Jesus has walked on this planet has been and are sinners. 

Some of us are struggling with sin to this day.  Divorce is ugly, regardless if it is amicable or not.  I am a romantic and it is sad when a couple splits up.  It is so sad.  Divorce isn't always the answer to one's marital problems.

My mindset

My mindset is the reason why things have been going so wrong lately.  I am not feeling so bad right now.  Meditating on His Word and actually reading His Word helps.  What good is it to have His Word on the table if it isn't read.  What good is reading the Bible if one doesn't apply His Word to our lives.  I realize that I have not done that as often as I should.  I have put so much pressure on myself that I didn't take the time to see that the Answer is right under my nose.  Sometimes the answers are where we are least expected--under our noses.  There is a constant war going on daily and there are times when I feel like giving up.  Last week is a classic example, but that is just too easy.  Sometimes I surprise even myself.

Learning

I like to learn but I don't want to be a person who learns and never knows the truth.  That is something I got from the Bible.  I guess that it is the definition of an educated fool.  I also guess it is better to be ignorant and wise than to be foolish and educated. 

I personally would like to learn about everything and know about everything.  However, I don't wish to be a jack of all trades yet master of none.  Ouch.  I cannot imagine having lacked something that I master in.  Everyone has at least one thing they are good at, don't they?  I often wonder what it is with me.

I have gifts and talents as so does everyone else.  I also wish that I could expand my talents and gifts.  I wish I knew about cars.  There is something about a car that I cannot pinpoint, but I have this desire to know and to learn about them.  I admit to knowing nothing about how to operate a car.  I know the difference between a radio and a piston, lol, but  where exactly to put gas in a car?  Yeah.

Those things should be simple to me.  Wow.  I do need to go out more.

Change the World

I used to dislike change.  I hated it, even with changes in a television show cast.  Change never came too easy for me.  I realize that all of us need to change, at least in the spiritual sense.  I am inspired that there are many who have managed to make changes in their lives.  Some have even made bigger changes in terms of turning their lives around and turning their lives over to God.  Life is too short to not make at least some change in our lives.  For me it is my weight and my attitude.  Change doesn't come to easy for me, but I have a relationship with the Great God of Change.  Jesus can make all things and all people new.  If I believe that, then I believe I can change too.

Music Box by Mariah Carey

I feel like giving up.  That was how I felt yesterday.  But this song reminds me somehow to never give up and the never give in.  I am hard on myself and I need to work on that.  Mariah has such an amazing voice.

Giving up? No.

Giving up is the worst thing a dieter can do.  

Dieter?  Wait a minute.  Maybe that is the problem.  The word diet.  It is a limiting term because most people go on diets for a limited period of time like fitting into that wedding dress for example.

A lifestyle change?  What does that mean?  A change in what a person is doing and their attitude about health, fitness, and of course, themselves.  Diet has a lot to do with it, but I am beginning to dislike the word diet.

Diet implies limits.  I don't want to limit or deprive myself.  That is what has been wrong with me this whole time.  My food intake has been stressing me out for a while now and I just cannot take it anymore.  Those weighty matters seem so minor when I finally take into account the social, emotional, physical, and spiritual effects of being unhealthy.  It is not easy being highly overweight as I am.  It can be a hard life.

But I realize that there are others who have greater crosses to bear.  I do not weigh over 300 lbs., I am not suffering from complications of diabetes, nor am I so physically unable to do things that I am in pain all of the time.  While I don't have the easiest life, I am blessed with a lot of things.  I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I sadly don't always take the time to be thankful for what I do have and some things that I don't have.  I have the power, the knowledge, and the motivation to do it.  The problem is I just don't have the confidence or know-how to carry it forward.  That is just so sad.

I could use a dose of wisdom and truth in my life and I am glad that I finally have a light bulb moment.  However, I am saddened that it took me this long to figure this out.

Issues

I finally realize why I am having weight troubles.  I have allowed my problems to go on and on and on for years now and now what?  I have gained a lot of weight over the years.  I have been on a roller coaster ride when it comes to my weight.

The solution to weight loss is in the mind.  The mind tells all and knows all.  It is more knowledgeable than the heart.  It is store of everything.  Like the body, it needs nourishment and fulfillment.  I haven't done that always.

I am doing well with knowing what to do.  The sad part is that it is easier said than done.  My issues are a lack of patience, emotional instability, and a lack of self control.  I don't hold myself accountable enough.  Those are the issues that I have to deal with.  How can I lose weight when I have those issues?

It is no longer about what I am eating.  It is about what is eating me.  I am unhappy with myself and I am tired of being sick and tired and I am at a point where I feel like giving up.  I am surprising myself as I write this because i am surprised I haven't done so.  I need help in seeing the positive things about myself and my weighty situation.

Now, I realize that I need to deal with those issues.

Friendship

Friendship is a great thing.  We all need to have friends in our lives.  But importantly, we need to be a friend, not just to others, but to ourselves as well.  There is so much hatred and backstabbing going on in the world today.  It is a shame.  True friendship seems to be lacking.  People are hurting themselves and others and many seem not to care.  It isn't in their backyard or they are just uncaring people themselves.  Some will not think twice in backstabbing or doing their friend some harm in some way.  We need to be a friend and to have true friends who will be blunt and honest and hold us accountable.  Even loners need friends.  Jesus Christ is a Friend and that is what He called His disciples.  I need to have that checked out.  But the point is, I wish that there is some truth and trust and some love in this world, but it seems rather rare.  It in the end does not matter what a friend looks like or their race or their gender.  There is so much enmity and shallowness in the world that being a friend and having a friend who is loyal and true is something we should not take for granted.  After all, when it come to true Friends all you need is one.

Class and tact

We should all have tact.  Tact is a classy virtue that seems to be lacking.  I guess class seems to be lacking.  Whatever happened to it?  It is hard to find.  Sure there are a lot of classy people in the  world.  They should have not to answer to others for their behavior, but only to God.  Class is a virtue.

Here are some quotes on class and tact that I agree with:

“For happiness is anyone and anything at all that's loved by you.”--Charles Schultz


“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”--Ralph Nichols


“Example has more followers than reason.”--Christian Nestell Bovee

Thos are only examples of quotes about class and grace.  But class and grace, as well as home training can take a person very far in life.  Money is a good thing and should be used wisely, but there are other things that are to be admired.  Money doesn't guarantee happiness, nor does it really say that one has more or less morals than another.  But money as much as we all need it, cannot buy class.  Class and tact are for free.  Let us all be salt and light with our tongues as well as the rest of ourselves.  Let us follow Jesus, the Ultimate Example of grace, class, and tact.

Toni Basil-Hey Mickey

Thou Shall by Young Buck instrumental

I don't usually listen to modern rap music.  There is no real originality there.  Many rap songs today are about women, money, violence, and beefs.  This is so sad.  There needs to be some more creativity in rap music today.  Calling women hos is not talent, it is rude and demeaning. 

Prayer

Prayer changes things and the people who pray.  I totally agree.  I believe prayer is a gift from a personal Father.  I am so glad for prayer.  God has given me strength and wisdom.  I asked for those things.  We all need strength and wisdom especially considering the times.  Life is very short.  I focus on that because I tend to take it for granted.  Prayer puts things into perspective and that is why I pray.  God is sovereign and I am not.  I have tried to live my life on my own terms but it never works out.  Surrendering to the Lord is the answer.  God is our Creator who knows and sees all.

Here are my weight loss goals, strengths, and weaknesses

Weight loss goals

Lose 33 lbs., but I will so far lose 11 lbs.  My goal is to weigh 246 lbs. for the time being.   It will take around 42 weeks to lose the weight that I want to lose, which is more than 70 lbs.  I plan to lose the 11 lbs. by September.

Strengths

·         I lost 32 pounds.

·         I am learning to eat in moderation.

·         I am learning to change mindset.

·         I have much information to follow

·         I have meal plans that have been created as a guide to lose weight.

·         I went grocery shopping because my goal is to eat healthier.

·         I created a weight loss plan that I have stuck to.

·         I affirm myself every day.

•             Affirming Me is not a difficult thing to do

•             Renewing my mind daily with the help of the Lord

•             Set plan that I have is continuing to come into play

•             I have great hope and insight.

•             I know myself more and more each day.

•             Respect and love myself and continue learning to do so

•             Spiritual person who loves the Lord

•             Drink soda every once in a while that is usually 0 calories

•             Cut back on sugary drinks

•             Cut back on fried foods

•             Eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, dairy, and proteins

What are things I need to work on?

·         I am at a current weight loss plateau, but I am working on losing the weight.

·         I don’t always drink 6-8 cups of water a day, but I am improving.

·         I am working on relaxation because I was overwhelmed about my weight.

·         I admit that I always don’t work out but I do walk.

·         I admit that I need to eat more fruits and vegetables, but my grocery shopping has helped me to improve my diet.

·         I still see weight loss as a diet but I am working on changing my mindset.

·         I don’t always eat in moderation but I am always working on eating in moderation.

·         I still see eating in moderation in the same way I see starving myself.

·         I am obsessed with counting calories.

Rant about my obsession

I am not sure if this where this thread would go under but here it goes. I have an obsession with a famous actor who is now in his 60s and I have come to realize that my obsession with him is taking time away from doing other things. I need to treat it like an obsessive thought since I feel guilt ridden about having all of these thoughts and acting on them. I google his name and his images. I search for youtube videos for him. I save and "like" his pictures on facebook. I posted them up on forums. I even signed up for his twitter account. I am obsessed with this guy and I realize that it is a form of idolatry, or is it? Anyways, I have chosen to no longer go on facebook and "like" any of his images, watch his films, erase all searches and youtube videos on my channel featuring him. I no longer follow him on twitter or look at images in facebook clubs dedicated to him. It has gotten worse over time and I realize that I need to get a grip on myself. I realize that it may take time as far as having thoughts about him and I still do have thoughts about him. Is it an example of temptation at work? How do I further pray about this situation? Prayer works. I hope I can say that I have repented of this obsession. It has gotten so bad that I even had sexual thoughts about this guy. I needed to get a handle on it.

But today I had a few lightbulb moments which included the fact that I need to get over this person, who is a person after all. I prayed for him and I hope that he gets saved. He is a celebrity whose name I finally mentioned to God and on this forum. I wish I could just be a fan and admire his work, but it has gotten deeper than that. I have had obsessions with others in the past and one in particular. I wonder if having obsessions over people are a sign of OCD, bipolar, or something else. I feel so much better and I am more hopeful than ever about this. I am not proud of being obsessed and I feel like that there are some larger issues at work. I live an isolated existence and I have no social life to speak of. I asked God to open doors for me, but where do I begin?

I am not currently in a relationship and I have noticed that much of my obsession comes from being single and wondering what it will be like to be in a relationship. Much of my obsessions that are bothersome are about the male v female dynamic. My obsessions are things that I have allowed to take a life of their own. I have to no longer feed the obsession by no longer ruminating over this actor who was handsome when he was young. He looks different but still has an attractiveness about him, but the fact of the matter is, the chances of meeting him in person are slim to none. How would I react if I met him? Why would that matter?

At the end of the day I realize that there are certain questions that will never be answered and I have to deal with that. I have not really been diagnosed as having OCD but I can relate to those who have gotten a definite diagnosis. If I can see Justin Beiber as a person who is rich and famous and doing his job, then I can see the person I am obsessing with as another human being to not worship, but to see that he is incredibly flawed just like the rest of us.

The Movie

The movie is playing
In the theatre of the mind
It is no window to the soul
It is disturbing and frankly, quite frightening
I don't understand why this is so, but I can't help but to watch
I wish that this movie never plays
But I have this movie many times before
I know the plot
I know the ending
It is so predictable
But it is surprisingly good
It is a suspensful thriller, adventure, tragedy, and horror film all rolled up into one
The message is cruel, deceptive, extreme, and unrealistic
It is a movie that just won't stop playing
It is an urban legend
It is so vivid
The imagination runs and runs
The pain mounts
The anxiety weighs down
Lingers
Depresses
Excites
Angers
Then there is relief
Only for the movie to play again
It never seems to end
It never seems to end
The questions flood
There will never be answers
Why?
All I know is that the movie never seems to end

Challenge

I feel so much better today.  I believe that today is a day of hope for me.  God has finally solved my problems for me.  Weight loss is such a big undertaking, but it is well worth it.  It is a challenge to lose all of this weight.  I want to lose 18.4 lbs for the time being and then take it from there.  The battle is the Lord's.  All I did was ask Him to lead the way and that is exactly what He did.  He led the way.  He gave me peace of mind and that I can do this.  I felt like giving up but I am more motivated than ever before to lose weight.  I was at a plateau and I thought that I was losing weight too slowly.  I plan to lose 2 lbs a week yet I lose an average of 1 lb a month.  Two pounds per week is a challenge, but it is one that I am willing to take.

My hair

I have decided not to use any chemicals or rather, relaxers on my hair for a while.  I am afraid of using a relaxer because of hair damage.  I want my hair to "rest".  I have been relaxing my hair for decades and now it has bitten me on the butt.  I made some hair mistakes and now I am repairing the damage done to my hair.  It is growing back and that makes me smile. 

My hair is definitely my crown and glory.  Sadly I have taken what I have for granted.  Hair that is short or long is beautiful.  Bald is just as beautiful, but I know that I would not look good bald.  I just feel that I have to be patient with my hair.  I wish that it would grow as fast and long as my nails did.  I just believe that hair growth takes time and a lot of maintenance.  I wonder how much more maintenance it would take for my hair to grow.

Sadly, I am not the most patient person in the world.  However, I am getting there.  I have grown more patient in recent years than at any time in my life.  I guess I am stressing myself out too much about my hair.  My hair fell out in clumps as I was washing it and I had to cut it.  It is a mullet style that I had to get used to.  And now, that I have gotten used to it, I am taking care of it and my hair is growing.  It isn't growing by leaps and bounds yet since it has only been a few weeks but it is growing.  There are no balding spots but there is uneven hair and I fear that there still are spots that were caused by damage.

Anyways, I wonder what it will be like for my hair to no longer be relaxed for a while.  The question remains, how long should I let my hair be natural?  How would my hair fare with the transitioning stage?  I would like to braid my hair someday soon, but right now my hair is too short for that.

Boogie On Reggae Woman by Stevie Wonder

I love this song ever since I first listened to it.  It is amazing to listen to.  It is a great song to dance to.

Cesaria Evora , "Angola"

I love this song.  I wish I knew the words though.  It is like that with me.  I wish I knew the words to a lot of foreign songs but somehow they all appeal to me.

Change

I know that I haven't been musing a lot lately.  It is as if I have gotten too carefree or rather careless as I have skipped a few days.  I wish I had entries for those days.  There are times when I have nothing to muse about.  Sad isn't it?  I have quoted on patriotism and written about life in general yet I have a lot of thinking to do.  It is very early in the morning and I am still tired.  That does give me a right to think, no?  Lol.  It also gives me time to reflect and muse on things that have occurred during the day.  The problem is my days are filled with sufficient evil, but it is often the same evil.  My life isn't a sad one, but a rather boring one.  I realize that I need to change but I don't know how.  I am a dreamer and a thinker, hence this blog.  Where do I begin?  Change just doesn't always come easy for me.

Besame Mucho

 I love this song.  This version of Besame Mucho is sung by the late Cesaria Evora.  She was a great singer from Cape Verde, West Africa.

Independence day

 Happy July 4th to everyone!

I L-o-v-e This song and the verses in it.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.--1 Corinthians 13:4-8