Today was a good day. I learned that prayer not only changes things, it also changes people. Thank God for that. As I was praying today, I have come to the realization that I have to want to grow up, but first I must be a grown up. I must act like a grown up who learns how to stand on my own two feet.
I like many women have lived my life for others and trying to please others. That is a big mistake. No one can live their lives that way. It takes away some of your power and causes you to question your identity. It is what has happened to me.
I have hopes, dreams, and desires. I do want to go to graduate school, but I have to find people who would recommend my pursuance based on my academic potential, meaning I have to have a social life and to take some undergraduate courses over. I am working on a masters degree in mathematics since I love the subject. I have made many mistakes and many missteps in my life and I no longer live in regret.
I cannot since I have been wallowing in guilt for so long. I have learned to be grateful and not staying regretful and feeling sorry for myself. Guilt and regret are good since it means that one has a conscience, but wallowing in it is quite unhealthy. I have been through a lot, some of which has been self imposed. I have been in trouble because I have allowed troubles to overwhelm me. I have found myself overwhelmed by even the most minor things.
I am comforted by the fact that I am still here and still breathing. I cannot change the past, but I can be thankful for what I do have. I was thinking about a lot of things as I was pouring my heart out to God and I became thankful all of a sudden. Talking to God was difficult at first but it became easier with his help. I wasn't despondent, but I had no clue what I wanted to pray about and I had no idea how to deal with not being able to pray about not being able to pray about. This is despite the fact that I still have issues that I needed to pray about which I was finally able to pray about.
In other words, the words came pouring out as I was being thankful. Praying isn't always about petitioning. Being a Christian is about having a relationship with the Lord. Christians have much to be thankful about. I have learned not to let fear, doubt, and the world determine who I am, what I am, or what I should be. They don't have the answers and they certainly don't care about us. I am reminded that as a believer that I am in the world, but not of the world. I am to be obedient and have a renewed mind. I am to have a purified heart. It is a relationship. It is a daily walk though I have to admit that it is not always an easy walk. Despite this narrow, uneasy walk, I am thankful and will continue to be repentant and thankful.
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