I am okay now.

I am ever mindful of the fact that I need to be mindful of what is real and what is eternal.  All of these thoughts that I have are based on the worst case scenario.  I realize that it is my brain talking.  It is not about me per se.  However, I am the one who has the thoughts.  I just have to accept the uncertainty. I just have to accept the disorder.  It is truly all in my head.  I prayed and confessed and I feel better already.  Life is good so far.  If only I could confess again what I really wanted to say, then I realize that I could feel so much better.  I do have an issue with unhelpful thinking such as catastrophes, and making mountains out of molehills.  I just choose not to be anxious.  I choose not to take anything too seriously.  I choose to embrace the obsessive thoughts and compulsions.

A day of "emotions"

I have been depressed today.  As a person who admittedly engages in occasional gluttony, not eating much is not a bad thing, unless one is depressed.  It has not been an easy day today.  Being depressed is no joke.  There is nothing cool or funny about depression.  I was feeling worse than bummed.  I didn't want to kill myself.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  No amount of music, or preaching could have lifted me up.  Thank God.  I thank God for allowing me to tell Him the truth.  My depression lifted and now I feel so much better.  I am okay now but I still have issues that are in the back of my mind.  Those issues keep gnawing at me.  Maybe I should just let it go.

Christine Hassler's videos and advice

  How to be Happy More

  How to lose weight

 How to find your purpose

 How to calm your mind

 How to stop obsessive thinking

Music videos 1986-1996

 "Keep on Movin'" by Soul II Soul

 "Cool Like That" by Digable Planets

 "Regulate" by Warren G

 "Crossroads" by Bone Thugs N' Harmony

 "Keep Ya Head Up" by 2Pac (RIP)

 "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey ft. ODB (RIP)

 "In Your Room" by The Bangles

 "Someday is Tonight" by Janet Jackson

Love

I could use some love today.  Love is not jealous.  Love is the best friend one can have next to Jesus. A hug can symbolize love.  Love can be a cliche but true love is not.  Love is about forgiveness but also never apologizing for that love.  Putting someone else ahead of you is true love.  I didn't realize that there are many kinds of love.  I know however of agape love, which I believe is the ultimate in love.  You can love one who is hateful.  When one loves, they can be at peace with everyone, or at least try.  I believe that is what the Bible speaks of when it talks about love, which is about being long suffering, honest and humble.  Love is not about a lack of truth, integrity, honor, and an inferiority complex and always striving for the impossible.  That is the saddest way to live: when one has no love in their lives or in their hearts. To me, a lack of love symbolizes a lack of forgiveness and a total lack of peace.

My reflection for today

Right now the only thing that matters is a working computer.  It has been slow lately.  Slow speed is frustrating.  I was frustrated and have been for a while now.  It was working well earlier this week. Something is wrong with the line.  Hopefully things will change soon.  I look forward to when things improve, ie, faster speed.  Also, what matters is that I am listening to music.  I guess music does indeed soothe the savage beast, meaning the savage beast of anxiety.  My arms were tingling and I have been having sleep disturbances lately.  It has been like that for the past few days.  I hope to never have those again.  Prayer and finally being honest helps.  It felt good to talk to someone about anxiety and mood issues.  It is as if a weight has been taken off.  I often wonder in the back of my mind if the thought comes back.  Maybe I should not pay attention to the back of my mind.

Does it matter?

Sometimes I don't think that what I try to look for matters.  I have always hated uncertainty.  I am beginning to slowly appreciate uncertainty.  In life I tend to get certain about a lot of things but they don't bother me.  When it comes to issues of infidelity and fiction, why does it matter?  It no longer matters why I have those thoughts.  Trying to make the uncertain certain is a waste of time and energy.  Doing compulsions are also a waste of time and energy.  Maybe that is one of the answers to dealing with and stopping some of the compulsions that I have.  I am reminded that sometimes, it no longer matters.