Worries and anxieties

I worry too much.  I am anxious about so much it seems.  I cannot say I had a rough day, but I was concerned that my worries and anxieties could have gotten the best of me.  Today I thank God for His many blessings including answering the prayer of thanks and helping me overcome my worries and anxieties.  I asked Him to help me to pray without ceasing.  For a while I didn't know or realize what that meant.  I believe it is a synonym of ask, seek, and knock.  In other words, don't give up on God.  I had doubts creeping in and a lack of faith in the way.  Thanks be to God, that I can finally have a better handle on my obsessive thougths.

Reflecting on having OCD

Today has been a pretty good day.  There really isn't much to say.  Lately I have been putting up videos and I feel like I have nothing to add.  This is the case even though I do other things.  I do have strong opinions and maybe that is why I have OCD thoughts about many topics including infidelity.  My anxiety at times reaches a boiling point like it did this past weekend.  I sometimes have thoughts about petty things, but one thing is for sure: this too shall pass.  I am not strong enough to watch a TV show or a movie where infidelity could be a theme.  It has always been like this.  I would walk away when something bothers me.  I would have difficulty facing my fears.  I have been having these thoughts since November but the anxiety wasn't as bad as it became a month later.  I have had trouble coping with these thoughts for a long time and I am now doing better but it took long enough.  I just wish that I could face my fears.  How to do that, I am not sure.

"Can't Give Up Now" by MaryMary

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
And I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
And I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

[Hook:]
No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me(so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
And I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

How I am doing today

I have come to realize that my obsessions have not destroyed my life, but somehow saved it.  They brought me closer to God.  I have been living a safe life because of these obsessions and as a result, my world has gotten smaller.  I am drawn to television shows.  I have no longer become a fan of television shows.  The characters lie, cheat, and commit other sins and they seem to be rewarded for them.

I am of the view that those who lie, cheat, and commit other sins should not be awarded for them.  They should be dealt with, but in a godly way.  A godly way is with love and godly judgement.  I am of the view that adultery is a sin and that adulterers are sinners just like every one else.  I believe that adulterers are not evil and not good.  In fact, no one is good and one doesn't have to be moral to be evil.  We are all adulterers though most are moral, good people.  But our views of morality are different from that of God.

I have to keep in mind that whenever a thought comes that like the characters that are fictional, the thoughts are creations.  They are the creations of a writing team and they are played by real people.  What scares me is that the situations are real like the real life and that there are people who do cheat.  That is something I cannot let go of.  There was a time when I almost did.  I realize that most people who cheat are not the worst of the worst but they are like all else, cheaters.

It is time that we all sinners take the motes out of our eyes and not pass ungodly judgement on those who are adulterers.  Jesus told the adulteress in John 8 to "go and sin no more".  Though some who sin will continue to sin, but that won't have to be me.  I choose to either be unfaithful to God with the world or remain faithful to the Lord and be at rest.  I don't look at adulterers as those who deserve no forgiveness and nothing but harm.  Infidelity does not make one good but forgiveness covers all sins.  Adulterers can be forgiven.

I have been realizing that life is too short to worry about the sins of someone else as I was too a cheater.  I haven't physically cheated nor have I been cheated on, nor am I currently in a relationship.  I have never been kissed in fact.  I don't have a love life to be concerned about.  I don't know anyone for sure who has cheated on me or anyone I know.

I could reason things out but they do not work.  I am afraid that like others, I would not like or rather hate or be annoyed by the adulterous characters.  I am afraid of another thought being triggered.  I tried exposing myself, only to make things worse, much much worse.  I finally realize that I cannot live for the obsession, but I have to live for me, and for the Lord of course.  My plan is to put God as my top priority and all else I realize will fall in our place.

Life is too short to worry about anything.  I realized that today that life is a blessing.  Yesterday is the past. Sadly I don't remember much about my life and how I thought without the obsessions.  I have been obsessive compulsion most of my life.  I would like to expand my life and I cannot do that without putting God first and getting caught up on what is on television.  I have other goals in mind.  I have other things to do.  I believe that God has a plan for me.  I felt for years that life has passed me by.  I would like to be wrong.

My relationship with the "OCD Persona" and infidelity

I am doing okay this morning.  However, I don't usually muse early in the morning like this.  I even prayed last night for the "OCD Persona".  I have to say why the" OCD Persona" picked this particular subject but I guess it no longer matters.  The matter I am referring to is the infidelity committed by wives.  I guess because of my strong opinions it bothers me.  I really don't know now what to make of people who cheat.  I guess because I wonder why a woman would cheat on a man who is good to her.  I have come to realize that the "OCD Persona" is just that, a persona.  She is real to me but her thoughts and ideas are not based on reality. It took me a while to realize that.  What is it that I am afraid the most?  I am afraid that I will become like her. She is rude, intrusive, judgmental, and makes me anxious.  I obsess it seems about everything from my weight to infidelity.  I wonder if I have a perfectionist complex. I have been wondering about quite a few things over the years.  The thoughts I realize are expansions and thus exaggerations of reality.  The thoughts I can manage but it is compulsions that are annoying and the anxiety that can be rough.  The checking and reassurance is even more bothersome but is manageable as well.  That is how I live my life on a daily basis.  I am doing better but I realize when it comes to this subject I have a ways to go.

How I am doing today

Yesterday I realized that I had an obsession with what I watch on TV or in the movies.  It took me long enough.  I finally realized that and I am better for it.  It was one of those "light bulb" moments that has helped me to cope and have given me the answers that I so need.  I hate uncertainty and this moment has given me the relief that I need.  The hatred of uncertainty comes from the Obsessive thoughts.  Those are things that I have come to realize other than the fact that I am not going crazy.  I have an anxiety disorder and I won't allow the anxiety to get the best of me.  If I don't like it, then I don't or won't watch it.  I have allowed the anxiety to control me but I am better.  I am okay now and the worry is over.

My overall obsession with television and movies

I just now realized that everything I do is more or less an obsession. I am concerned yes but today I had a realization that I am obsessed about television. I had obsessive thoughts this morning about a new show. It features two people who are adulterous but want to work out their marriage. The woman and man are both cheating with escorts. I wondered if I should watch it but if I do, I would only be drawn to it. I wouldn't be a fan of the show, but over time I will just move on and not watch that show. That is how I feel about any show I watch nowadays. Most of television bores and bothers me because of the content. I just cannot believe how much television has changed in the last 20-30 years. I wondered if I can overcome or be healed of obsessive compulsive disorder and just move on. How do I pray for healing since I am obsessed with matters that to me, are trivial?