Plans for my life

I realize that none of my goals came through fruition.  I feel lonely sometimes because of my failures. I often wonder what my life will be life if my goals were met.    I wanted so much out of my life that I wonder if I even made plans for my life.  I wish I knew what went wrong.  Maybe I should have done a better job of planning my life.  As encouraging as many of my posts are, I have been left discouraged.  I rather not get into what is wrong, but I feel as if something went wrong.  Maybe I am wrong.  I wish I knew of the plans God has for me.  For years I feel like something has held me back. Unfortunately, I have failed to plan or planned to fail.  But whatever the case may be, I have to learn from my failures.  I also have to learn from whatever I have accomplished as well.

Music from other lands that I like

 "Halhi" by Amr Diab (Egypt)

 "Oro De Ley" by Luis Miguel (Mexico)

 "Valenti" by Boa (South Korea)

 "Vem Agora Espirito Santo" by Marcello Brayner (Brazil)

 "Hosanna"(?) by  Tagesech Ammachcho (Ethiopia)

"Canteixere " by Luar na Lubre" (Galicia-Spain)

 "Caballito Chontaleño" by Eliopoldo Amador Perez Garcia y Santos (Nicaragua)

Example of a situation I put myself in

I want to watch this tv show.  But I don't wish to get caught up in fiction. Nor do I wish to just check, which is what I will be doing.  Nor do I wish to make any excuse to watch the show.  Should I watch the show anyway?  I am beginning to know myself and what I will do too much.  It is scary the situations that I put myself in.  Maybe I am placing too much importance into this show and to these thoughts.

I usually do some checking and read the page on what the show is about and the characters to see if they are adulterous or not.  Usually if they are adulterous, especially if they are female, I am drawn to watching it.  If they were male, I would watch it anymore if it sounds like a good movie or tv show.
That is how much importance I place into a thought.  That is one of the big no nos of having obsessive thoughts. I promised that I would not go back.  I just could not handle freedom.  I was anxious and apprehensive and now I am paying the price for my anxiety and apprehension.

A few words about having OCD

Today was a wake-up call.  I have learned to embrace who I am obsessed with.  I am proud to have exposed myself like this.  One of the guys who I have obsessed about has since passed away.  The fact that he has died young is quite sad.  However, to see his grave stone is sobering.  I admit I wonder about  his spiritual state.  Where is he?  Was he born-again?  Was he living life in sin while claiming to be born-again?  I know it seems strange because it is too late for him to be saved if he were not and I say this at the risk of sounding crass because he has since died.  I never got to know this guy except I had a crush on him and I thought he was gorgeous.

Well that is or was how I felt.  I have tried hard to deny how I have been feeling.  My feelings I thought were strong feelings but it was only something meaningless after all.  I will never get to meet this guy because he is no longer walking the earth.  Thinking about the fact that he is dead is quite sobering.  I wonder if having a crush or rather obsession on someone who is dead makes me crazy or if it just makes me human, with my flaws and all.  I guess I will never know.  I confess that as a sufferer of obsessive compulsive disorder, acceptance is quite hard and so is avoidance.

What is hard to accept is the questions that will never be answered.  I hate uncertainty and for a while I thought that the fact that I had a persona and exposing her will help me.  The truth is, it wasn't a persona, it was me all along.  With the help of God and the rest of my support system, I know that I can and will get better.  It is just gonna take some time.  I confess that I even had a crush on the late young man's father and uncle and to a lesser extent, wondered about his brother, who is autistic. They don't know me from Adam and/or Eve, but I realize that not even that matters.  As much as I hate avoidance and uncertainty, I have to do what is hardest, which is to face my fears and to no longer be apprehensive about the next time another thought comes along.  All I have to do is deal with the uncertainty and enjoy the freedom that I have now and therefore, enjoy life.

"Overprotected" by Britney Spears

I love this song.  I do wonder if this is a good song for my life.  Just wondering.

Not the Same

https://play.spotify.com/track/6S1Z23yN7jjtkdPhxtgLH7

I know that Jesus has changed me and I thank Him.  Sadly, I don't thank Him enough.  Once I remember this song, I am reminded that I am a changed person.  There are things that I am no longer interested in that I no longer interest me.  I am at peace now more so than I ever have been.  I didn't realize how much I have changed and how my life has changed.  I can only (thankfully) imagine the mess my life would have turned out.  I admit that there are things that are a bit spotty now because of the obsessive thoughts, but I realize that being grateful as well as confession is good for the soul.

How I am coping

I am still tempted but I hope to break it soon.  I am still nervous but I think I will be okay.