I am okay now.

I am ever mindful of the fact that I need to be mindful of what is real and what is eternal.  All of these thoughts that I have are based on the worst case scenario.  I realize that it is my brain talking.  It is not about me per se.  However, I am the one who has the thoughts.  I just have to accept the uncertainty. I just have to accept the disorder.  It is truly all in my head.  I prayed and confessed and I feel better already.  Life is good so far.  If only I could confess again what I really wanted to say, then I realize that I could feel so much better.  I do have an issue with unhelpful thinking such as catastrophes, and making mountains out of molehills.  I just choose not to be anxious.  I choose not to take anything too seriously.  I choose to embrace the obsessive thoughts and compulsions.

A day of "emotions"

I have been depressed today.  As a person who admittedly engages in occasional gluttony, not eating much is not a bad thing, unless one is depressed.  It has not been an easy day today.  Being depressed is no joke.  There is nothing cool or funny about depression.  I was feeling worse than bummed.  I didn't want to kill myself.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  No amount of music, or preaching could have lifted me up.  Thank God.  I thank God for allowing me to tell Him the truth.  My depression lifted and now I feel so much better.  I am okay now but I still have issues that are in the back of my mind.  Those issues keep gnawing at me.  Maybe I should just let it go.

Christine Hassler's videos and advice

  How to be Happy More

  How to lose weight

 How to find your purpose

 How to calm your mind

 How to stop obsessive thinking

Music videos 1986-1996

 "Keep on Movin'" by Soul II Soul

 "Cool Like That" by Digable Planets

 "Regulate" by Warren G

 "Crossroads" by Bone Thugs N' Harmony

 "Keep Ya Head Up" by 2Pac (RIP)

 "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey ft. ODB (RIP)

 "In Your Room" by The Bangles

 "Someday is Tonight" by Janet Jackson

Love

I could use some love today.  Love is not jealous.  Love is the best friend one can have next to Jesus. A hug can symbolize love.  Love can be a cliche but true love is not.  Love is about forgiveness but also never apologizing for that love.  Putting someone else ahead of you is true love.  I didn't realize that there are many kinds of love.  I know however of agape love, which I believe is the ultimate in love.  You can love one who is hateful.  When one loves, they can be at peace with everyone, or at least try.  I believe that is what the Bible speaks of when it talks about love, which is about being long suffering, honest and humble.  Love is not about a lack of truth, integrity, honor, and an inferiority complex and always striving for the impossible.  That is the saddest way to live: when one has no love in their lives or in their hearts. To me, a lack of love symbolizes a lack of forgiveness and a total lack of peace.

My reflection for today

Right now the only thing that matters is a working computer.  It has been slow lately.  Slow speed is frustrating.  I was frustrated and have been for a while now.  It was working well earlier this week. Something is wrong with the line.  Hopefully things will change soon.  I look forward to when things improve, ie, faster speed.  Also, what matters is that I am listening to music.  I guess music does indeed soothe the savage beast, meaning the savage beast of anxiety.  My arms were tingling and I have been having sleep disturbances lately.  It has been like that for the past few days.  I hope to never have those again.  Prayer and finally being honest helps.  It felt good to talk to someone about anxiety and mood issues.  It is as if a weight has been taken off.  I often wonder in the back of my mind if the thought comes back.  Maybe I should not pay attention to the back of my mind.

Does it matter?

Sometimes I don't think that what I try to look for matters.  I have always hated uncertainty.  I am beginning to slowly appreciate uncertainty.  In life I tend to get certain about a lot of things but they don't bother me.  When it comes to issues of infidelity and fiction, why does it matter?  It no longer matters why I have those thoughts.  Trying to make the uncertain certain is a waste of time and energy.  Doing compulsions are also a waste of time and energy.  Maybe that is one of the answers to dealing with and stopping some of the compulsions that I have.  I am reminded that sometimes, it no longer matters.

The Persecuted Church

I wonder if the mental illness I am going through would be considered a hardship that I as a believer goes through.  I am wondering about that because I realize and I am reminded of the persecution other believers are going through.  To me, that is real hardship and real persecution.  Those are the things that should not only worry me but also something I take personally.  Sadly I didn't always feel that way.  It is horrible that I didn't feel that way because I have never been persecuted for my faith. I live in a country where people still have the freedom of religion that has been enforced for many years now.  Being criticized and ridiculed for religious reasons to me seems different from dying for the faith.  I mean that criticism and ridicule doesn't happen in those countries as well and I don't mean to minimize what is going on, but I am also thinking of the countless believers in Christ who have been burned, beaten, raped, kidnapped, and had churches burned.  Many also have to worship in secret.  That is a sad reality that I do and should take personally at all times.  I am reminded of those who are in need of prayer and strength for what they are going through at this time.

Count it all joy

I was not and to an extent, still have no idea how to count it all joy.  I realize that it is a joy to go to trials and tribulations.  All of us go through trials and tribulations.  I also realize that trials and tribulations build character and brings us closer to God.  I relish being closer to God.  Just over 7-8 years ago, I had my first obsessive thought about infidelity.  I am still working on those thoughts. I wish that I could overcome these thoughts.  However those thoughts I believe have made me more patient than ever.  Maybe it is just aging.  I have mellowed over the years.  With a "failing" body, I have learned that being overwhelmed even can build patience and character.  I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.  I guess that is what it means to count it all joy.

Think eternally.

I have come to realize that I am to think eternally.  Not only is life short, but life as we all know it could end.  Jesus is returning quickly.  Only the Father knows when that will be.  I personally look forward to that day.  There will be no more pain, no more tears, and no more hatred.  I believe that Heaven will be a place where love and joy are.  I am not a Bible scholar, but only the repentant, obedient, enduring born again believer who is pure in heart will enter Heaven.  I would like to be one who lives that way daily.  Yep, life is too short.

Admitting my dream of what is real

So I admitted that I had a crush on a dead guy.  I realize that makes no sense but it is what keeps me alive.  It gives me a sense of hope in a dead mind like mine.  I feel like I am losing it.  I feel like I am going crazy.  Having a crush on a dead guy does seem crazy but there are worse things and worse people to crush on.  Nothing will ever happen between us.  I never got to know him and he never got to know me.  I am not proud of it but I am no longer ashamed of it.  I have to reflect on it because the rest of my life is depressing.  I really don't like me because I cannot see the rest of the world or their problems or their difficult lives.  I can only see mine and I am not happy.  I sleep, I dream, and that is mostly it.  My days are filled with nothingness except for my crush.  I feel as if there is at least a little bit of hope and happiness out there because of him.  I know I might sound crazy but this is true.  I know something is wrong but nothing is wrong.  Maybe I have no life inside of this world, but in my dreams and in my fantasy world, I have a wonderful life, because I actually have a life.

I will finally admit it.

I will finally admit it.  I have a crush on someone who is no longer with us.  From what I have read, he was a nice person.  I wish I the opportunity to meet him.  I am saddened that he is no longer with us. He was handsome and from what I read, pretty talented.  I am sure he would have been an interesting guy to meet.  I need to, however, recall that I need to get over my crushes.  I don't that crushes are a bad thing, but I guess they can turn into something idolatrous or an obsession.  I find myself attracted to him after his death.  I was shocked when I first heard about his death. Watching his movies and such made me appreciate him.  However, watching his headstone was sobering and it brought me back to reality.  He is not coming back.  He is never coming back.  He is only alive in our hearts.  The fact that he had so much to offer makes me sad.  Life seems so unfair at times.

Random reflections on different topics

I often have obsessive thoughts about moral and religious issues.  My compulsions are only a temporary way to overcome any anxiety that I have.  It is unfortunate that I only write about this. However, this is something that I reflect on everyday.  I wish that I can focus on other things. However I can still write about other things like I wish I did yesterday.

Robert Palmer was a great artist however.  His music was amazing.  I wish that there are more artists and more songs like he has nowadays for instance.  I need to write about more things such as the love between a parent and child. I hate it when children are taken away for whatever reason, whether kidnapping or a court-ordered taking away of the child or children.  Are our children a precious resource?  It now sounds so cliche to me.  Life is not considered as important as it should be.  We should live in a life-affirming society. We should like in a family and community oriented society. What has truly happened?  Where did it truly begin?  Whose idea was this?  Those are questions that I wish that I could answer, but I cannot. I hate uncertainty yet that is all I am left with, and that is the one thing that I have to embrace.

Robert Palmer RIP

 "Some Like it Hot"

 "Addicted to Love"

 "Simply Irresistible"

"I Didn't Mean to Turn You On"

 "Mercy Mercy Me"

Right now I am listening to "Some Like it Hot".  I love the lyrics to this song, especially "Feel the Heat".  This man help to symbolize my childhood in the 1980s.  They used to play his songs on tv a lot, even in soap promos.  I miss music from those days.  Maybe I don't because I am listening to his music now.  Anyways, two of his songs are actually remakes of songs by other talented artists, Marvin Gaye (RIP) and Cherelle.  There is something about his voice that I cannot pinpoint, but it is incredible.  Well, sadly he is no longer with us, but I can say that as a fan of his music, it does live on, as cheesy as that sounds.

Chili con Carne recipe from BBC Good Food

Ingredients
1 tbsp oil
1 large onion
1 red pepper
2 garlic cloves, peeled
1 heaped tsp hot chilli powder (or 1 level tbsp if you only have mild)
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp ground cumin
500g lean minced beef
1 beef stock cube
400g can chopped tomatoes
½ tsp dried marjoram
1 tsp sugar
2 tbsp tomato purée
410g can red kidney beans
plain boiled long grain rice, to serve
soured cream, to serve

Directions
Prepare your vegetables. Chop 1 large onion into small dice, about 5mm square. The easiest way to do this is to cut the onion in half from root to tip, peel it and slice each half into thick matchsticks lengthways, not quite cutting all the way to the root end so they are still held together. Slice across the matchsticks into neat dice. Cut 1 red pepper in half lengthways, remove stalk and wash the seeds away, then chop. Peel and finely chop 2 garlic cloves.

Start cooking. Put your pan on the hob over a medium heat. Add the oil and leave it for 1-2 minutes until hot (a little longer for an electric hob). Add the onions and cook, stirring fairly frequently, for about 5 minutes, or until the onions are soft, squidgy and slightly translucent. Tip in the garlic, red pepper, 1 heaped tsp hot chilli powder or 1 level tbsp mild chilli powder, 1 tsp paprika and 1 tsp ground cumin. Give it a good stir, then leave it to cook for another 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.
Brown the 500g lean minced beef. Turn the heat up a bit, add the meat to the pan and break it up with your spoon or spatula. The mix should sizzle a bit when you add the mince. Keep stirring and prodding for at least 5 minutes, until all the mince is in uniform, mince-sized lumps and there are no more pink bits. Make sure you keep the heat hot enough for the meat to fry and become brown, rather than just stew.

Making the sauce. Crumble 1 beef stock cube into 300ml hot water. Pour this into the pan with the mince mixture. Open 1 can of chopped tomatoes (400g can) and add these as well. Tip in ½ tsp dried marjoram and 1 tsp sugar, if using (see tip at the bottom), and add a good shake of salt and pepper. Squirt in about 2 tbsp tomato purée and stir the sauce well.

Simmer it gently. Bring the whole thing to the boil, give it a good stir and put a lid on the pan. Turn down the heat until it is gently bubbling and leave it for 20 minutes. You should check on the pan occasionally to stir it and make sure the sauce doesn’t catch on the bottom of the pan or isn’t drying out. If it is, add a couple of tablespoons of water and make sure that the heat really is low enough. After simmering gently, the saucy mince mixture should look thick, moist and juicy.

Bring on the beans. Drain and rinse 1 can of red kidney beans (410g can) in a sieve and stir them into the chilli pot. Bring to the boil again, and gently bubble without the lid for another 10 minutes, adding a little more water if it looks too dry. Taste a bit of the chilli and season. It will probably take a lot more seasoning than you think. Now replace the lid, turn off the heat and leave your chilli to stand for 10 minutes before serving, and relax. Leaving your chilli to stand is really important as it allows the flavours to mingle and the meat.

Serve with soured cream and plain boiled long grain rice.

No longer overwhelmed

I believe that I have embraced and have finally defeated the OCD.  I have come to realize that the characters that I have had worried about are just that: fictional.  It is no use crying over spilled milk. That has been a mantra that I have lived by.  I cannot and will not feel guilty over many extra pounds. I have been and still am, self conscious about my weight.  However, it was because of self-esteem and being overwhelmed.  I have been looking up information on diabetic diet.  So far things are complicated but I can make it easier by not allowing myself to be overwhelmed.

Embracing OCD

I am doing well.  For more than seven years, I have suffered from OCD at its worse.  I have decided to let the thoughts pass.  Furthermore, I have decided to embrace those thoughts.  I have OCD and I embrace it.  I have finally stood up to the bully that is OCD.  It has been a bully for years.  Can anyone imagine being bullied for that long?  I have hidden and I have wasted time because of this bully.  It was time that I stood up for myself.  Today is a day of great hope.  I am ever hopeful and now I know why.  Wow.  I am feeling better already.

Television and being safe

Can television become a form of idolatry?  I am not so sure though anything can be made into a God. Idolatry is a sin that can take away the time to develop a greater relationship with God.  That is what has happened to me.  Television I don't believe has become a form of idolatry, yet I find myself doing "research" on what I watch and not it is because it may be godly entertainment.  I am not sure if I can watch tv because of the content that scares me.  I am wondering about that.  There are television shows that I am just drawn to that I don't usually watch otherwise.  Then there are shows that I avoid altogether because I am afraid of the content producing spikes.  I wish I didn't have those fears.  I avoid watching television shows or movies.  It isn't that I have made the decision, but it is like the OCD has made the decisions and that is sad.  Maybe it is best if I were to turn the television off. All I know is that I can and need to do something about it.  I don't wish for the OCD to determine what I should do.  Now if only I can fight this bully called OCD.  What am I supposed to do?

Love and respecting others

Sometimes it is rather hard to write any reflection about things. However today I have come to realize that I love to give and love to help others.  I don't do it because it makes me feel better.  I do it because I just love and respect all mankind.  Making one feel good is more or less a result not a motive.  If I could help just one child, then it would be all worth it.  I hate it when someone says it. Why?  There are so many people who are in need.  They are in need of love and kindness not to mention the basic needs.  As cold as this may sound, one person is only the beginning. Maybe one person can make a difference but even that one person I believe has to make a difference in the life of many and create a chain of love for others.  There is so much to give by all I believe.  The worst thing a person can do is to be selfish and unkind.  It is sad that a person can be that way.  They are walking a road that is spiritually dangerous and that is sad.  We are all humans who are need of love, honor, and respect.  If only those are qualities that we all in the world possess.

I need help

I go for help once a week.  I wonder if I have to go more than once a week.  There are times when it can be paralyzing.  I wonder why they have been created.  I also wonder why God creates them.  I hope to never see another one again.  The crazy thing is that seeing one will crawl on me and that they will harm me.  I hate them and I fear them so much that I cannot even name what they are.  I hallucinate about them.  I wonder if I have to get help for more that once a week.  All I know is that I need help.  I am in hope that I all will be overcome.

The infidelity thoughts

I still have my fears about infidelity.  I am afraid that the worse case scenario would happen.  The wife would be caught cheating on her husband and she had many affairs, not just one.  I wonder how a woman could do that to a man.  However, I will never know.  Maybe that is for the best.  I will never, ever know.  Getting myself distracted also helps.  Writing things out help me to cope with the obsessive thoughts.  Wow.  It is interesting that I have written my fears down and things have changed.  I have to also learn to calm my mind down.  Why would a person do such things?  How many persons did she sleep with?  That is all the worse case scenario and worst case scenarios can be and are scary.

Being at peace as I was finally writing it down

I haven't been at peace today.  I have had thoughts about infidelity and religion.  No matter what, I realize that avoidance is not possible for me.  I watch television and just enjoy life.  I would like to and slowly embrace my thoughts.  It has been difficult to do.  I don't know why, but I find it interesting that I can embrace the thought that I have obsessions and crushes on other people, yet I have a hard time doing so for infidelity.  Maybe all I have to accept willingly that I don't have any issues with infidelity and religion.  I am no longer worried right now.  I have accepted the thought that I am born again and that whatever is going on, I can embrace that fact.  I am to think on things that are true, just, honest, lovely, pure, and of good report.  I interpret this as thinking on the things of God.  Worry and anxiety have done me no good, neither have compulsions.  I wonder how many people does the person sleep with or rather cheat with and why they do it.  I realize that it only matters to those who are directly connected to the sad situation.  It really has nothing to do with my life so it doesn't affect me personally.  The problem is that it does seem to have an effect on me personally.  I feel a lot better about this now.  What kind of people are adulterers?  I guess I will never know; it no longer matters.  I guess I am finally embracing these thoughts.  However, I guess whether fictional or whether it is based on a real story, OCD doesn't have to be scary.  The scenarios don't have to be scary.  They really are bullies yet they have never harmed me.  I am finally okay and I hope that I have written that it finally comes to mind.

Peacefulness of mind

It has been a while since I have been at peace.  I ask that I would receive peace.  I also asked for peace of mind.  My mind has been anything but at peace.  I know that Jesus Christ has saved me.  I shall be holy and live in holiness.  I am also to abstain from all appearance of evil.  There is so much evil in the world.  I often focused too much on the wrong things such as the things of this world. I know and believe that God answers prayer.  I realize that God cares for me and that He loves me. He died for me and the Father rose Him from the dead.  I am ever thankful to the Lord for sustaining me. I am ever thankful for giving me the wisdom that I desperately need.  I am also thankful for the gifts that I have given me and for ordering my steps.  What I have to do is delight and wait on the Lord. May I also be of good courage.  In short, may I be perfected in love.

Being saved and wanting to make restitution

I thanked God for all He has done for me.  I am so glad that I am no longer afraid.  I had that fear of dying for the past few days.  There was something that I have done and doing so made me feel bad. I was confused about this and I wish I had never done those things.  I felt and still fell sad that things will probably not turn out the way it should turn out.  I wanted to make restitution for it.  Things are more complicated as it is.  I don't wish to make it even more complex than it already is, but sometimes complexity is what made me conscience of what I did.  Sometimes, guilt is a good thing since it is a sign that I have a conscience.  I repented of that sin and I asked God for forgiveness of this very thing.  I believe that I have been forgiven, but I still want to do the right thing, whatever that may be.

The Narrow Road

Jesus Christ saved me this afternoon.  I have had scrupulosity for a good while now and it is a scary thing to have.  I had doubts about being saved.  I know that life is too short so I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of living and walking the narrow road was difficult.  It can be quite difficult anyway because few will find it.  They are doing the Father's will.  It is called living right.  Sadly it seems that only a few people out of millions and billions will be ready.  This is a sad reality.

I have a natural high.

I have prayed to receive Jesus as Lord and Savior.  I still have doubts about my salvation.  The Bible says the Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear.  I fear the Lord, both good and bad. I am doing better mentally but I am in a high state.  I am on a natural high.  I don't like the doubts that I have.  They are scary and I have a hard time not believing them.  I don't feel like I am a good person. I have had OCD for years and right now I know it has gotten easier.  The infidelity thoughts are largely gone but the compulsive thoughts remain.  I need to talk to someone about it.  It is a fight but sometimes I have to let the thoughts pass.  It is not easy to let the thoughts pass but at least the thoughts are weakening.

It wasn't easy but I am doing better now.

I prayed to receive Jesus as Lord and Savior today.  I was afraid about the lack of faith that I had today and everyday since.  I have scrupulosity which can be quite scary.  I used to have blasphemous thoughts but lately I haven't had blasphemous thoughts.  I had thoughts that are about going to Hell.  I have done things in the past that I am not proud of.  I am here to say that I am not my thoughts so it means that I could be, or should be worried about nothing.  I was also depressed today over the lack of love today.  I am better now.  I wasn't hungry yet I ate like crazy.  I didn't follow the plan that I had today.  I didn't feeling like cooking anything or feel like eating anything I cooked.  It wasn't a good day but I feel so much better now.  I am no longer depressed nor do I have the symptoms of scrupulosity.  Reading is a great way to distract myself.

I am worried

Worry is the state I am in now.  Right now I have this fear of going to Hell.  I have done wrong and I believe that I am still doing wrong.  I believe that my conscience is telling me to change things.  I have tried to change things in the past, but I asked for God's forgiveness.  I am to seek God and His Kingdom first and all of these things shall be added unto me.  I know that I am not supposed to worry, but I am being honest.  I am worried that I am not saved and going to Hell and have my part in the Lake of Fire.  I am just tired.  I want to please God, but I can't when I am lacking in faith.  This is one of those moments when I wish I had the courage to do the right thing.  I hate what I did and I wish I have never done those things.  I am sorry for what I have done and I wish to make things right and I guess that is all I can do.

Being scrupulous is not easy.

Being scrupulous is not easy.  You constantly question your salvation.  That is what happens to me.  I feel so much better but I worry constantly that I am not truly saved.  It has been this way in the past couple of weeks as of recently.  I prayed to ask Jesus over and over and over again that I have lost count.  I believe that I am saved.  I know that I am saved.  I have my doubts that I am saved.  It is because of being scrupulous.  Would an unsaved person have that issue?  I doubt it, so I guess I have nothing to worry about.  There are times when I am not sure if I am saved or lost.  It is scary.  It is the scariest thought to have.  I am just saying that being scrupulous keeps me on my toes but at the same time it makes me question things.  I have had this issue for years and now I am having a hard time getting over that.  I am saved by faith but I wish I have told my counselor about this.  Maybe next week.

How I am doing today

Well, I filled out some information for a couple of dating sites that I joined in the past.  I just believe that there is some hope for me.  One thing for me is that I am always hopeful.  I am feeling better after I ate a lot of food just now.  I was very hungry and I have just finished shopping.  I hope that I don't end up gaining the weight that I lost.  I lost 3 lbs. this week and I feel great.  I have a long way to go but so far so good.  I have begun to eaten less overall except for tonight.  I have even gotten a few matches on those sites, which are nice.  They make me nervous but it was nice.  I may have to be ready one day.  I wonder if this is normal.  I have to overcome a fear of rejection, but that is my fear to overcome.

Social awareness and dating

I would like to do new things and meet new people.  I have tried dating websites but dating doesn't interest me.  I like men and I like to meet men, but I am not sure if I have an interest in any one man in particular.  I do need to go out more though.  I am sure there is this one guy that is out there for me.  I have been self-conscious of my appearance for a long time that I am not sure if I will ever find the right one.  I have lived with fantasies, crushes, and obsessions.  I am now at an age where it is past time for me to settle down and have a family of my own.  I don't just want a guy that is breathing.  I like men who are honest, straightforward, blunt, and considerate. He is also smart and charming but not too charming.  He must also be open-minded yet conservative at the same time.  He has to have a sense of humor and hygiene is very important. What am I doing?  I am not interested in meeting a man just yet, but my biological clock is ticking however.  In order for me to date, I need a social life.  I need to get myself together.  I am a woman who probably comes with a lot of baggage like the issues I present on this blog.  I am also a woman who is socially awkward which would be a minus on the dating scene.  I am just not ready for dating for those reasons alone.  I have tried that, but I am just not ready.  I would like to be however.