Resolution or no?

Should I even make a New Years' Resolution?  I don't even know if it is New Years' or New Year's. Anyways, the best thing to do is to not make any resolution.  I made one last year which was of course to lose weight.  Well, I gained even more weight than I ever had before.  I feel guilty about letting myself go, yet I realize that eating better and exercise have been a struggle for me.  Maybe I should not feel guilty about gaining weight.  Just lose weight.  Just do it.  Just do me.  I have plans to lose weight and that is it.

New Year's Reflections

Looking back on the months gone by,
 As a new year starts and an old one ends,
 We contemplate what brought us joy,
 And we think of our loved ones and our friends.

Recalling all the happy times,
 Remembering how they enriched our lives,
 We reflect upon who really counts,
 As the fresh and bright new year arrives.

And when I/we ponder those who do,
 I/we immediately think of you.

Thanks for being one of the reasons I'll/We'll have a Happy New Year!

by Joanna Fuchs

Happy New Year

As the world celebrates
With fireworks and cakes
I'm standing here alone
Far away from home
With nothing but a suitcase and memories

As the stars surround me like water
I raise my hands in full surrender
To God, my Redeemer
Lord, this year is far from ordinary
I've never seen such extraordinary
People, places and things
Amazing human beings
Searching for purpose, just like me.

Looking around, I wonder
Since a year is like clashing thunder
Booming suddenly
Then vanishing instantly
Why waste time uselessly?
The old year came and went
I hope your time was wisely spent
On helping others and working hard
So that many people may regard
Your lifetime as truly great
And not just because of fate
So learn this lesson, but not from me!
Try it yourself and you will see
Making a difference starts with one step
With one foot, then the next

So walk right now into the light
And find yourself shining bright
Don't worry what people think
Because right now you're on the brink
Of showing others what is true
Happy New Year, from me to you.

Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/make-a-difference-happy-new-year#ixzz3vkX7Y1aW 
Source of poem

"Use Me" as sung by The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir

Lyrics to Use Me
[Chorus:]
If you can use anything Lord, You can use me
If You can use anything Lord, You can use me
Take my hands Lord and my feet
Touch my heart Lord, speak through me
If You can use anything Lord, You can use me

[Chorus]

I remember a story in the Bible days

You took a man called Moses with a rod in his hand

You told Moses, "Take the rod in your hand,

stretch it forth and walk on dry land"

If You can use anything Lord, You can use me

[Chorus]

I remember a story, I remember it well

He took a shepherd boy, David, with a sling in his hand

He took the rock with the sling in his hand

Flung the rock and the giant fell dead

And I know if You can use anything, You can use me

[Bridge:]

Take my hands and my feet

Touch my heart, speak through me

[Chorus]

NBC Production of "The Sound of Music"

I am watching the NBC version of "The Sound of Music".  This is the second or third time I have seen this particular production.  Carrie Underwood is okay considering she isn't an actress by "trade". She is a singer, and her talent shines in that area.  The criticism that she received was quite unfair. She wasn't horrible at all.  In fact, I find her acting believable considering she is the lead in a major, major live production.  Yes, I love the 1965 movie better.  I believe that Julie Andrews was far more experienced when she took on the role as Maria, which was helpful.  NBC took on a huge challenge, that is for sure, but it isn't horrible.  If I were to remake "The Sound of Music", it would be difficult to pull it off considering a fickle reaction of an audience who will never forget the ups and of course, the downs, or rather the pitfalls and the epic fails.  Those will never be forgotten.  Anyways, I could watch this production over and over again.  I do believe it wasn't based on the movie, but on the play. The only thing missing is the chemistry between some of the actors.  It was as if while they were on the same stage, there was something missing.  I would recommend watching it again, however above average; I would give it a 7/10.

Merry Christmas!

Reflections for today 12/24/15

The cake turned out much better.  I had to transfer it to another pan.  I even had to frost it.  It became a lemon-coconut cake.  I sure hope that all will like it.  I even baked bread today.  It turned out well, but I wish that I didn't bake it at such high a temperature.  Well, I decided to bake more bread tomorrow.  Hopefully this loaf will turn out.  I love to give, and bake.  I know that Jesus is the Reason, at least in my opinion, but  Jesus should be the reason for all seasons.

Cake reflection

Today, I plan to bake three cakes.  Sadly one of those cakes have fallen apart.  It was my fault, sure, but I was still disappointed.  I hope that the cake will turn out better once I frost it after I re-bake and freeze it.  Let it turn out better.  I only hold out hope.  I hope that I won't mess up this time.  I need to be wished some luck. Thankfully the fruitcakes turned out well.  Phew.

"Silent Night" as sung by Celtic Woman

Oíche Chiúin, oíche Mhic Dé
Cách na suan go héiri an lae
Dís is dílse ag faire le spéis
Glór binn aingeal le clos insan aer

Críost ag teacht ar an saol
Críost ag teacht ar an saol

Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child
Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Waiting on a package

Today is the day that I should be looking for packages.  Right now, they are near my hometown, but it can be slower than the date that is shown on the website. Sometimes, it can be faster, which is why I love Ebay.  Maybe or not some people had their share of problems, but I'm cool with the website. It can be frustrating receiving a package and they come in more than one box.  I am just looking forward to receiving the package first and foremost.  It can be quite frustrating, even maddening at times.

Christmas anticipation

I have made the decision to celebrate Christmas.  Maybe I should not rush until Christmas.  I find myself  in anticipation of the holiday.  I just cannot wait.  It is like I am an impatient child.  Well, time waits for no one.  Also, I don't live on God's time either, so just live and be patient.  That is all I can say.

"As" as sung by George Michael ft. Mary J. Blige

"As"
(feat. Mary J Blige)

As Around The Sun The Earth Know She's Revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early may
Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assured that
I'll be loving you always

As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
Hut in passing will grow older everyday
Just as ail that's born is new
You know what i say is true
That i'll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out of the sky
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
Until the day that 8õ8õ8 is 4
Until the day that is the day that are no more

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day

As today i know i'm living but tomorrow
Could make me the past
But that i mustn't fear
I know deep in my mind
The love of me i've left behind
Cause i'll be loving you always.

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream
Until the day is night and night becomes the day
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away
Until the day that 8õ8õ8 is 4
Until the day that is the day that are no more

Did you know that true love asks for nothing?
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early may
For now i know deep in my mind
The love of me i've left behind
Cause i'll he loving you always.

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

Until the day is night and night becomes the day
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4
Until the day that is the day that are no more

Mary, Did You Know? as sung by Pentatonix

Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm the storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby, you kissed the face of God.

Mary did you know (x8)

The blind will see, the deaf will hear, the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb.

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
That sleeping child you're holding is the great I am

Mary did you know (x6)

A Deeper Meaning into Christmas

Christmas is about commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ.  It was a blessed event and still should have seen as such.  However, I feel it goes deeper.  It starts with the impregnation of a young girl by God, who was highly favored.  She later gives birth to our Lord and our Savior.  I sometimes wondered how as a kid, Jesus dealt with bullies.  Were there any kid who bullied or tried to bully Him?  Did they think He was "different"?  Did He have many friends?  The truth is, those are questions that I may never have the answer to.  Mary and Joseph seemed to have been trusted with being parents to a Child who was Perfect.  I wonder if it were easy or if it were a challenge to raise Jesus since they were flawed humans raising a Child who was much more than just a "Nice young Man from school or down the street".  It comes to mind the song, "Mary did You Know?".  Maybe Mary always knew that her Son was the great I Am.  I think that Christmas in short is about the conception, birth. life, ministry, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  He may have not been born on December 25.  He could have been born in the Spring, Summer, or even Fall.  I wonder how much the date of His birth really matters.  Maybe, maybe not.  It sure would not hurt to wonder or ask about these things.  I guess for now, I will never know.

Expressing oneself and prayer

There are times when I write posts or rather "take break" posts.  Yesterday was one of those times I admit.  Those are the times when I wasn't sure what to say.  Those are also the times I didn't know what to express either.  Expressing oneself can be cathartic.  However, not being able to express myself can be, and is, quite frustrating.  So, I have a lot on my mind today.  I often forget to do what I am supposed to do, so I ask God for reminders.  I realize that a lot of my thoughts happen because of what I expose myself to.  It is a good feeling actually to be convicted.  There are those times when I confess to doubting my salvation.  I wonder that is what it means to work out our salvation with fear and with trembling.  Salvation isn't about just saying one prayer and moving forward without any growth.  Salvation is sanctification, daily repentance, as well as prayer.  Prayer is deep, respectful, and honest communication with our Lord.  I have learned that with prayer, one has to pray in thanksgiving and with a pure motive.  I admit that I have not always done so.  That is something I repented of.  Those are the things that I have learned today.

Good night

Good night and I bid adieu. I am taking a break.

Under pressure

Right now, I am under pressure.  I am anxious or nervous about what to say to God.  It is about a matter of great importance to me.  I know that I am to seek God and his righteousness first and all of these things will be added to me.  Sometimes I wonder if I have truly understood or lived out that verse.  I realize that I will go through trials and tribulations.  I have had a share of my own.  I realize that seeking God probably means to acknowledge God in all things.  I need all of the guidance I can get.

Reflection on singing, skills, and service

Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself on these blogs.  However, it seems I find a way to do so.  Forever, I am watching a tribute to Frank Sinatra (RIP).  He would have been 100 years old this year.  I missed much of the show, but what I have seen was really good.  Right now, I am listening to Bono, who is quite good.  I don't listen to much U2, but apparently they have longevity on their side, so they must be doing something right.  Is it safe to call U2 legends since I remember them from way back?  I think it was from over 20 years ago when I first heard of them.   Anyway, it is great to see such talent perform quality, wholesome music.

I wish I could sing like them.  I can sing a little bit but I have no experience.  I can sing a few octaves but not like Whitney (RIP) or Mariah Carey.  I have a rather deep voice but I can interpret and sing some high notes as well.  All I need is some training.  I wonder what it is like to have the experience of an opera singer especially. I bet it took many years of training without losing one's voice.  I would be shy to perform on stage, but it seems that the most experienced singers don't have stage fright.  They seem confident performing on stage and sharing their talents with the world.  If only I had the opportunity to share that skill or any other skill for that matter.

I admire people who could share that talent and be of service to others no matter their skill is.  I would like to know that for myself.  I have often wondered who I truly am, am I a good discerner of right and wrong, and my calling and purpose are.  Am I suppose to be a talented musician or a writer or a baker?  I have prayed about and I have tried for years what I was supposed to be "when I grow up".  I seemed to have tried so much only for me to fall on my face. I have not had a lot going for me, or so it seems.  I look back, but maybe I shouldn't. I have much to accomplish it seems but I wonder if  it is too late, considering my age.  I cannot begin as a cheerleader, but I have no idea or experience to begin.  I just no idea and that is the problem and being used by God is the ultimate goal.

"Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul

Baby seems we never ever agree
You like the movies
And I like T.V.
I take thing serious
And you take 'em light
I go to bed early
And I party all night
Our friends are sayin'
We ain't gonna last
Cuz I move slowly
And baby I'm fast
I like it quiet
And I love to shout
But when we get together
It just all works out

I take--2 steps forward
I take--2 steps back
We come together
Cuz opposites attract
And you know--it ain't fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
Cuz opposites attract

Who'd a thought we could be lovers
She makes the bed
And he steals the covers
She likes it neat
And he makes a mess
I take it easy
Baby I get obsessed
She's got the money
And he's always broke
I don't like cigarettes
And I like to smoke
Things in common
There just ain't a one
But when we get together
We have nothin' but fun

I take--2 steps forward
I take--2 steps back
We come together
Cuz opposites attract
And you know--it ain't fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
Cuz opposites attract

I take--2 steps forward
I take--2 steps back
We come together
Cuz opposites attract
And you know--it ain't fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
Cuz opposites attract

Baby ain't it somethin'
How we lasted this long
You and me
Provin' everyone wrong
Don't think we'll ever
Get our differences patched
Don't really matter
Cuz we're perfectly matched

I take--2 steps forward
I take--2 steps back
We come together
Cuz opposites attract
And you know--it ain't fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
Cuz opposites attract

"Silent Night" as sung by the Temptations

Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin Mother and Child, holy
Infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night, shepherds quake at the sight,
Glories stream from heaven afar, heavenly hosts sing
Alleluia.
Christ the Saviour is born,
Christ the Saviour is born.
Silent night, holy night,
Son of God, love's pure light,
Radiant beams from
Thy holy face, with the dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth,
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth.
Silent night, holy night, wondrous star, lend thy light;
With the angels let us sing,
Alleluia to our King.
Christ the Saviour is born,
Christ the Saviour is born.

O Holy Night sung by Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey
O holy night the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new glorious morn
Fall on your knees
O hear the angels' voices
O night divine
O night when Christ was born
O night divine o night
O night divine
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new glorious morn
Fall on your knees
O hear the angels' voices
O night divine
O night when Christ was born
O night divine o night
O night divine
Ooh yes it was
Ooh it is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah
It was a holy holy holy, oh oh oh

The magi

I have wondered what the Magi really looked like.  It seems silly but that has been a thought I had. I also wonder how many wise men actually went to Israel to see Baby Jesus.  Interestingly enough, the Bible doesn't say how many wise men there were.  However, there are only three presented because of the number of gifts given to the Baby.  What is also interesting are the "races" of the three "Magi" from the East.  The older two magis are Caucasian (one European, one Semitic) while the youngest one was a black African.  The names were not even mentioned in the Bible as far as I can tell.  I guess the Bible felt that those details were not as important as the fact that they were a part of a prophecy about the coming of the Newborn King.  When they saw and followed the star indeed.

How I see Christmas and the holidays, plus these illustrations of Santa

I love these illustrations of Santa Claus.  What is so great is that color does not matter when it comes to the joyous smiles of the faces of children.  I too like kids and I do love Christmas.  It does seem contradictory to what I have written about Christmas for the past few days.  I still have my doubts that Christmas is a Christian holy day.  It isn't as the world celebrates it with the commercialism and the pains that tend to go with buying gifts.  However, every day should be a holy day.  We as believers should observe Jesus' birth, life, ministry, death, and resurrection daily.  I guess having said that, I wondered  still how Jesus views Santa Claus and children being joyous because of gifts and Santa.  We as believers could and should use this day for not the commercial and superficial but to share Jesus with others.  That was what I did a few, maybe a couple of, years ago.  I am not so sure if I have accomplished anything such as leading others to the Lord, but I wondered even more what God thought of what I did.  What is more important to the Lord, I wonder?  This is something that requires more prayer from me for there is a lot that I have to be wise about.  It makes no sense to dis Halloween because of it pagan roots but celebrate Easter and Christmas despite their own pagan roots.  In this case, it should be all or nothing, though most of the world will see differently.  That is also something to think about.

Letter to the Church

Focus on Jesus

 "Baby Jesus" (as a black American)

I have read some advice given to me and it is such sage advice that needed to be shared.  It is about focusing on Jesus and the rest will take care of itself.  Maybe I have been too hung up on the paganism and the commercialism of Christmas.  Is the religious aspect of Christmas ring hollow for me?  I would like to think that it is not the case.  I guess that this concern would or would not rather have the evidence that I prefer to religious "O Holy Night" than "Jingle Bell Rock".  Sure they are both wholesome songs, but "O Holy Night" carries a much a deeper meaning for me.  "Jingle Bell Rock" is a fun song, but that is just that: a fun song to sing and party to without a care in the world. I guess it is this religious aspect that would have a much deeper meaning and should to us all.

To end the confusion,

Lord Jesus,

In the very end, every knee shall bow down to You.  I believe that if Santa were real, then it would include him as well.  Lately, I find myself questioning and being interested in how I should celebrate Christmas if at all.  Should I even bother to celebrate it because of its pagan origins?  Does it even matter?  There is no Christmas in the Bible, but Your Birth is.  I get that there is no comparison, but if it is a pagan celebration then how did Christmas become a holy day observed by Christians everywhere, including myself.  If I am not supposed to celebrate it, then how should I bide my time on that day?  How should I be a witness to others on this time of the year?  How did a day that has so many pagan origins become Christianized I guess?  Have I been deceived?  How and when should I truly commemorate Your life. death, and resurrection?  By the way, when exactly were You born out of curiosity?  I am thankful that You answer prayer.  I give You thinks, O Holy One, in Your name,

Amen.

Now that is something to think about.

 Yuletide-Santa with Reindeer

 Yule Log

 Fruitcake Recipe

 Black Jesus

 Family celebrating around the tree

Maybe I should read up more on the pagan customs of old and their origins of Christmas.  Also, Jeremiah 10:2-4 does mention about the idolatry of the pagans, to be separate from them, including the idol that is vaguely familiar to the Christmas tree.  Revelation did also say that we as believers were to come out of the religion of harlotry, the world system, and of false religion so that we should not share in her sins.  We are to obey God's Word and we MUST be born again in order to enter the kingdom of Heaven.  Now I am confused about one thing: does celebrating Christmas as I know it even validate paganism or is it really a holy day that Christians can partake in?  I know that I don't HAVE to celebrate Christmas, but since I believe that it is a celebration of Jesus' birth, then I wonder what is still wrong with that.  I know that Santa is not in the Bible; after all, Santa isn't real. Jesus IS indeed real; that is the difference.  The problem is, maybe I should view Christmas in a whole new light.  Maybe I should set every day to celebrate His life and pay special emphasis on his birth on that Day.  I don't know.  I still question why I should or should not celebrate Christmas.  Is there really a spirit of Christmas or is that based on pagan idolatrous history as well? On the other hand, when I think of Christmas, I think of gifts, love, holiness, joy, and peace.  I believe the problem for me isn't the pagan origin, though I don't consider myself a pagan, but that it is focused on the commercial aspect.  I think or at least would think that that is just as big a sin if not a "greater sin" that even the pagan origins.   I believe all of these things are something to think about.

The meaning of Christmas

Interestingly enough, I have asked God how He feels about Christmas.  Strangely enough, He has never answered.  However, maybe He has heard me, who knows?  Of course God answers prayer.  I have in the past prayed about it only to see that maybe just maybe He has His own perspective.  From a religious point of view, He has no respect for those who practice idolatry or ecumenism.  On the other hand, it can be construed as a holy day hence holiday.  It is nice to remember His birth, but it is nicer to remember ALL of Jesus' life everyday of the year, not just Christmas.  I choose to celebrate that message and take that time to be thankful for His life, beginning at His birth.  I guess that is the answer I have sought even though no one ever said that God commanded to celebrate Christmas, but we are all commanded to obey God, be saved by Jesus, let the Holy Spirit guide us, and follow the commands as written in His Word.  Wow!  Taking out Santa and commercialism, there would no longer be a controversy of how to celebrate Christmas.

Should I celebrate Christmas?

Surrounding myself with the holidays give me comfort.  I am not sure if Christmas especially is really a Christian holiday, but the basic understanding has many Christian tenets.  Christmas has gotten too commercialized and does have pagan origins.  Should I just avoid celebrating it because of those things?  That is a good question.  It makes me think about how I should celebrate this holiday, if at all.  If I were to celebrate Christmas, would it make me less of a Christian if I were to celebrate? Chances are, Jesus was not born on December 25, but during the Fall.  So why do we really celebrate this wonderful day.  Those are 24 hours that I look for, but am I part of the Christmas problem or rather, "dilemma"?

Being thankful for

I have come to realize that it is easy to forget to be thankful for.  I spent many a time feeling guilty about quite a few things.  I am referring to having OCD.  I feel guilty about the fact that OCD would be minor yet it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders.  There have been people who have been affected by terrorism yet I am consumed about a television movie.  I should be thankful and I am, but I realize that I am not thankful enough.  I just wish I was "made whole".  I could have taken the time to be more thankful.  For that, I am thankful that I have realized this because I would not be thankful at all.

Music and OCD

Having OCD is not fun.  Not fun at all.  I realize that I should be thankful, but it is hard to when one deals with mood swings and thoughts that tend to drive me crazy.  Maybe I should just not let it, but those who often give me advice have no clue what it is like.  I wish just want to sing a song, dance, or anything to pass the time.  Anything is better than feeling like I am going crazy.  That too is not a good feeling to have.  Listening to music is quite good.  It soothes the savage beast meaning that OCD is most certainly the savage beast.  I am not sure where that quote comes from but I wonder if who penned that quote had the same issues I had.  Maybe or maybe not, but I wish that music. Sometimes I wish it did more than soothe the savage beast.  I guess music does a lot of good things like dancing to it and other things I can think of at the moment.  Whatever it does, the world would not be the same without music.

Defining music and the soul

I often post videos because I just love music.  It is good for the mind, body, and soul.  I have wondered what is the soul?  Is it spiritual or just cultural?  Soul music I believe is a cultural thing while the soul is spiritual.  Really, the word soul is just hard to define.  I have to google that.  I need to look that one up.  Anyways,  there is nothing in the world like great music featuring great talent. All music is real just like all forms of art is real.  To me Dave Grohl is just as real to me as Idina Menzel.  There is nothing bad about the music of each of these two.  I know that I have written a post about real music before.  However, I never really understood why some music is labeled as soul while other music is its close "relative" R&B.  What is soul and what constitutes R&B?  That too is just hard to explain.  That too I will have to google.

Loving to give gifts

I love giving gifts.  My hope is that they would appreciate those gifts.  To me Christmas is about holiness and giving.  I realize that there are pagan origins to the holidays but there is something about the holidays that make it special.  l think that Thanksgiving should not be forgotten either.  We as believers are to also give thanks to God for He is our Savior and our Heavenly Father.  Life is just too short to not be holy, loving, giving, or thankful.  It is sometimes hard to remember that when one has OCD.  It isn't a lonely time but Christmas keeps me distracted, but come 2016, what will happen? Now what?  I have hope for I am ever hopeful.  I give because I have learned to love and be of service to others.  I believe that is what is commanded of us to: to be holy and to love God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strengths.  I will not be too angry or be anxious, which will be hard, considering the OCD.  In the meantime, I will learn not to take what is given and is there to give for granted.  That would be a gift for me, if not the best gift of all.

Praying and asking amiss

I have been praying and asking amiss.  It has frustrating, but I brought it on myself.  I asked for my faith to be strengthened.  I have had issues with doubt, anxiety, and fear.  I have wondered why my prayers have yet to be answered.  I have come to see that I have been asking amiss for years.  I have prayed long prayers about everything.  There is nothing in the world like having a relationship with the Savior.  I know that Jesus is greater than my issues.  All I had to do was ask, seek, and knock.  It is quite simple, but I didn't realize that until yesterday. I believe that God showed me about my prayer life.  I am to obey Him and serve Him whenever I have prayed.  My eyes have been opened, and for that, I am thankful to the Lord for revealing that for me.  I am thankful to the Holy Spirit to continue to teach me all things.  I wish that was all I had to do, but it is no use feeling guilty.  Today is a new day and I can start over today.  Today is the day the Lord has made.  I am ever thankful to Him ad I also will be.

The reality of my "love" towards him

I have accepted the fact that the man I "love" will never meet me.  When if he did?  I have focused too much time on him and not enough on God.  God is real.  My total obsession is not based on reality.  The man that I "love" is no longer with us.  I feel like I am going crazy over this man.  I have at one time focused on this man more than I have focused on serving and loving the Lord.  That is a sad reality I must face.  I don't mean to sound disrespectful as I write this, but that is how I feel. I will never get to know him.  That is the sad part.  From what I have read about my "love", he was good and very intelligent.  There was a sadness in his eyes I can tell.  I can help but want to hug him and talk to him.  It is so sad that I cannot to him.  If I were to meet him., what would I say?  How would I react?  How do I tell him that I care?  It is so sad that I don't know him truly, nor will I get to know the true person.

King Of Kings (He's A Wonder) by Cece Winans

He's so good
I love him I love him
yes I do oh yea yea

[CHORUS]
King of Kings and Lord of Lords
Lover of my soul Jehovah
One and only God I am
Jesus Christ the Holy Lamb
[REPEAT]

[VERSE 1]
Thy truth reaches the clouds
Your mercy never runs out
We give You honor
Be thou exalted
above the heavens and above the earth
I give all Glory unto your name

[CHORUS]

[VERSE 2]
Hills melt in Your presence
And Your foes tremble at Your
Awesome power
I will rejoice now and forever 'cause You are mine
So gracious and so divine

He's a wonder, he's a wonder
He's a wonder, he's a wonder
He's a wonder, he's a wonder
He's a mighty God

So good, so good
He's been, so good
My God, our God
Has been so good

So good, so good
He's been So good
My God, our God
He's a wonder, He's a wonder
He's a mighty God

"I Love the Lord" by Whitney Houston (RIP)

I love the the Lord, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, I hasten to his throne

[Chorus:]
Oh, I love the Lord
I sure do, surely do love the Lord
He heard, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, yes he did
Every groan
Long as I live, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, troubles rise
I hasten to to to to to
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne
I'll hasten to his throne hold on hold on
Tears are streaming down my eyes
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

Yes I will, I'll run
I know I can go to his throne
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'm gonna run
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

See I can run, Lord you know I will
When there is nowhere to go I know I can go to you
I know I can run to you oh
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his, his throne
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'll hasten, hasten to his throne
Surely gonna be here

Reflections and musings

I have often wondered if my musings and reflections are just that: reflections.  This blog is not the traditional musings blog I know, but it is my blog and I know that it is a reflection of me, and rather, who I am.  I have a confession.  I have problems liking myself because I don't think I am a good person.  Then I come to realize that none of us are good, really.  Not one of us is good, and either am. The Christian walk has its rough places and Christians do have issues, but I also know that it is the road to life.  I am just about to reflect about my life when I have thought about the Christian walk. Sadly few will live the Christian life, which is a narrow road.  There are times when I feel that I am alone.  Yesterday, I told the Lord about how I feel.  I meant no disrespect when I told Him.  I am forgiven and have since repented of my doubts.  I have been struggling with doubt for years and I believe that it stems from a lack of faith or belief, but that is only my opinion.  I have not been reading or studying the Word of God, nor have I acknowledged Him in all of my ways.  That which is hard I feel has done much to hinder my faith.  I want my faith to grow.  My desire is to flourish in the Lord and to remain flourishing in the Lord.  I have mused about my walk with the Lord in some shape, form, or fashion.  My hope is that I continue musing and not lose heart.  My desire is also to reflect on what is important not only to me but to The Lord.  It is all worth it.

"Jesus loves me" lyrics

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.
Refrain:
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, “Let them come to Me.”
Jesus loves me still today,
Walking with me on my way,
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.
Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee.

My videos on Youtube

I have looked through some of my videos and I have to say that my hope is that they don't promote false doctrine of any kind.  I have been trying to reach others with my videos, but as it seems, only a few have been reached.  Jesus is Lord and Savior and that is the message I hope to preach to everyone.  I am not one who is forcefully converting others to the Lord Jesus Christ.  I believe that forcefully converting others will do a great job of leading others farther away from Jesus and Christianity in general.  I also will not compare myself to others and that is something I have done over the last few years..  My hope is that the Holy Spirit will convict others to Jesus Christ for He is coming back.  Yes, He really is coming back.  Today IS the day of salvation for none of us know what tomorrow will bring.  Jesus IS Lord.

Struggling and life

I know that I am listening to Christmas music but I have had a few things on my mind and on my plate.  Taking action is important with one of those things.  I confess that I am not happy about myself.  Waking up and barely able to move and being in pain is something that wouldn't make anyone happy.  I cannot "deny" it anymore, nor can I just wish it away.  It is simple:  I need to lose weight and do something for me.  I am at an age where I need to know about myself.  I am beginning to learn about myself and I need to stop procrastinating.  Just getting out there and doing something has not made me productive.  In fact, I believe that is why I am having many of the issues I am having.  I have grown tired and fat.  I feel bad for allowing my weight to get to the point I got.  I have a hormonal condition and it has been a struggle to have.  I know this, but I have to take care of myself for a change.  I have learned that lesson today with the "bad vibes" that I have.  I have also struggled with caring what others think and that has become a burden of mine.  I am no longer putting up with things.  I am just tired of the burden which has not been good for me or my health.  In fact, that has made my health worse.  All of the illnesses and other struggles have weighed me down and I need to know that there are things that I need to do.  I realize that I feel like I am always in a hurry, but the struggle has been just that, a struggle.  Life can be a struggle and it isn't fair, but because it is so short, I have to learn to make the best of life as it is.  After all, life is but a vapor.

"God is in Control" by Ricky Dillard and New Generation

[Chorus:]
Ooh is in control.
Ooh is in control.
God is in control.
God is in control.

What matter of man is this, that winds they obey?
What matter of man is this, that even the seas obey?
The Great One, for He created the heavens and the earth,
God can do just what He wants.

[Chorus]

What matter of man is this, that winds they obey?
What matter of man is this, that even the seas obey?
The Great One, for He created the heavens and the earth,
God can do just what He wants,
God can do just what He wants,
God can do just what He wants.
God is in control.

[Tenors:]
God is in control.

[Altos 2:]
God is in control.

[Altos 1/Sopranos:]
God's got it in control.

God is in control.

How I'm really feeling at the moment

I don't feel good about my body, especially my stomach.  I have great admiration and respect for those women who are like myself who truly love and respect themselves.  I have had issues with low self esteem for years and part of it stems from poor body image.  I am great at putting my body down and trying to build myself up.  I confess that I often look at pictures of women who are slender, toned, usually taller women and I find them attractive.  I can see why guys would find them attractive.  I am a shorter, heavier body type with a large belly.  Some of it is my fault so I feel like I have done a good job punishing myself.  On the other hand, I feel bad for feeling bad about myself. Life is just a cycle to me.  My thoughts tend to cycle, and so does my weight.  One minute I am a lighter and can move around better.  The next minute I feel bad about my myself and my lack of accomplishment and I just give up.  That has been an issue that I have had for a long long time now and breaking the cycle is the answer.  My mind tends to loop and I have been having the same issues over and over and over again.  There comes a time when things get too tiresome.  This is one of those moments.  I am just under 5'2" tall and weigh over 300 lbs.  For years I have wondered what it would have been like to look like in high school (1992).

 175 lbs.

 (1992-1993) 180 lbs.

to now, 2015 ~ 300 lbs.

I have been having these unrealistic thoughts for a long time now and it wasn't until today that I realized that the dizziness also may have something to do with what is wrong with me.  It is time for me to take action and stay in action.  I realize that I am not sure where to begin however.  I just don't like the way I look.  I just have a hard time believing anything positive about my appearance.  I have tried but I am also concerned if even this is a good enough reason to lose weight.

Day to day living

I am doing better today.  It is strange what I have.  But then again, what I have is not that uncommon. It is as if mentally I was all over the place.  I am just writing this because that is mainly how I spend my days.  Ruminating and fighting to stay as "sane" as possible is what I spend my days doing.  Of course, doing blogs are a good thing, too.  Having a mental illness can be a struggle on some days even more so than others.  I realize that if one were to read my blogs I would sound like a broken record.  I need to get out more.  I feel trapped in my mind at times because of my issues.  I think it is time I just take at least a few minutes to myself.  Just me.  Do a little inventory.  Painful as that is, it may be what I need to do right now.

Self love heals much

Lately I have been blogging on subjects such as dizziness, vertigo, and confession.  I have recently returned to blogging after quite the lengthy absence.  I confess that I may need to go see a doctor about why I have stopped blogging.  Life is too short to just not be focused.  It is quite the strange adventure having the mind that I have. It has gone on many a journey to many a place, some darker than others.  I am alright now because I now realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Self love heals much.

"Get Up" by Ciara ft. Chamillionaire

Ladies and gentlemen!
Ciara

He said
'Hi, my name is so and so
Baby can you tell me yours?
You look like you came to do
One thing (Set it off)'
I started on the left
And I had to take him to the right
He was out of breath
But he kept on dancin' all night

You trying, admit it
But you just can fight the feeling inside
You know it
And I can see it in your eyes
You want me
You smooth as a mother
You're so undercover
By the way that you was watchin' me

Ooh! uh
The way you look at me
I'm feelin' you, uh
I just can't help it
Tryin' to keep it cool, uh
I can feel it in the beat, uh
When you do those things to me, uh
Don't let nothin' stop you
M-ooo-ve, ring the alarm
The club is jumpin' now
So get up!

I said 'Ciara's on your radio,
Everybody turn it up'
Spicy just like hot sauce
Careful, you might burn it up
You can do the pop lock
Rag-top, don't stop
That's the way you gotta get
Get it, make ya body rock

You trying, admit it
But you just can beat the feeling inside
You know it
Cuz I can see it in your eyes
You want me
You smooth as a mother
You're so undercover
By the way that you was watchin' me

Ooh! uh
The way you look at me
I'm feelin' you, uh
I just can't help it
Tryin' to keep it cool, uh
I can feel it in the beat, uh
When you do those things to me, uh
Don't let nothin' stop you
M-ooo-ve, ring the alarm
The club is jumpin' now
So get up!

Ooh, I love the way you vibe with me
Dance with me forever
We can have a good time, follow me
To the beat together
You and me, one on one
Breakin' it down
You can't walk away now
We got to turn this place out

It's the kid that stay ridin' big
The one the police tried to catch ridin' dirty
In the club before eleven o'clock
Like I'm trying to catch a dime kinda early
Lookin' thick her hair brown and curly
She love the way my ride shining pearly
City boys say she fine a pretty
In the country boys say she fine and 'purrty'
My pockets thick as green, it's curvy
And the ladies know soon as they see my jewelry
If bein' fresh to death is a crime
I think it's time for me to see the jury

They know Chamillionaire stay on the grind
A hustla like me is hard to find
I ain't really impressed, yes
Unless it's about some dollar signs
Ain't really no need to call you fine
I know you be hearin' that all the time
I'm watchin' you do ya step, do ya step
Yep it's going down

Ooh! uh
The way you look at me
I'm feelin' you, uh
I just can't help it
Tryin' to keep it cool, uh
I can feel it in the beat, uh
When you do those things to me, uh
Don't let nothin' stop you
M-ooo-ve, ring the alarm
The club is jumpin' now
So get up!

Ooh! uh
The way you look at me
I'm feelin' you, uh
I just can't help it
Tryin' to keep it cool, uh
I can feel it in the beat, uh
When you do those things to me, uh
Don't let nothin' stop you
M-ooo-ve, somebody ring the alarm
The club is jumpin' now
So get up!

I got to have you baby
Uh, I feel it
I got to have you baby
I got to have you baby
Uh, I feel it
I got to have you baby

"Confession" by Bruce Lansky

Confession

BY BRUCE LANSKY

I have a brief confession

that I would like to make.

If I dont get it off my chest

I'm sure my heart will break.

I didn't do my reading.

I watched TV instead—

while munching cookies, cakes, and chips

and cinnamon raisin bread.

I didn't wash the dishes.

I didn't clean the mess.

Now there are roaches eating crumbs—

a million, more or less.

I didn't turn the TV off.

I didn't shut the light.

Just think of all the energy

I wasted through the night.

I feel so very guilty.

I did a lousy job.

I hope my students don't find out

that I am such a slob.

"my Vertigo"

I am, an uncontrollable urge. Some of the times, it's a mellow feeling. A wondering feeling of desire. A desire so strong that burns my senses. Imagine you can no longer smell or taste. Touching things hurt. I can only see. Imagine you are an absent spectactor of your own senses. I'm not the desire, nor it controls me. I am the desire itself.

Some of the other times, well, i just embrace It.

and together. We fall.

Source:
http://hellopoetry.com/words/21435/vertigo/poems/

"Gatos En El Balcon" by Fey

Si la luz te impide ver 
cosas que en la obscuridad 
ves con el poder de la 
imaginacion 
pon los pies en el suelo ya 

Yo tambien 
vuelvo igual que tu 
por un cielo tan azul 
que no quiero aterrizar 

Gatos en el balcon 
si nos da el amor 
todo puede pasar 
gatos en el balcon 
rachazando la realidad 

No se bien cual es la ley 
por la que la casualidad 
nos metio a los dos en la 
misma red 
aunque no seamos tal para 
cual 

Hoy por hoy 
no se ni quien soy 
hasta para respirar 
me haces falta 
estoy fatal 

Gatos en el balcon 
si nos da el amor 
todo puede pasar 
gatos en el balcon 
rachazando la realidad 
enamorados 

En el calor de la noche, la lluvia 
calma las ganas y sigo pensando en ti 

Gatos en el balcon 
si nos da el amor 
todo puede pasar 
gatos en el balcon 
rachazando la realidad 
par de locos tu y yo 

Gatos en el balcon 
si nos da el amor 
todo puede pasar 
gatos en el balcon 
rechazo la realidad 

Gatos en el balcon

I love the 80s.

There are days when I knew what to write.  This was not one of those days.  I am very happy right now.  I have learned quite a bit about pro-wrestling and how cool it was back then.  The 80s seemed like a simple time.  I was just an inquisitive kid who loved using the computer, played outside, and watched wrestling.  I was considered a smart kid and a good student.  I just miss those days where despite the lack of modern technology, life was just great.  One doesn't have to have much technology to have a full life..lol.  When I was growing up, cable was young, people didn't know what an internet, and as it seems, tv shows seemed more watchable no matter how cheesy the shows seemed nowadays.  Sure it was a good show back then.  Now I realize that these shows weren't bad at all. I miss watching shows like "Knight Rider", "Dukes of Hazzard" and the "Fall Guy".  In the 80s, Sly Stallone was a young guy who was a boxer one minute and a former soldier the next.  Okay, okay. While I like "Rambo", I was, and always have been a "Rocky" fan.  Mr. T was the man and the "A-Team" was one of the most highly rated shows and one of the best, on tv.  I just miss those days. Michael was moonwalking, and Whitney was the young woman who could sing her heart out. Madonna was the original Britney Spears and Rihanna, but more controversial in her day.  I know, I know, she still performs, but Madonna in the 80s was awesome.  I also remember when "Fat Albert", "Looney Toons", and sometimes pro-wrestling all aired on Saturdays.  No matter what was going on that day, to me, life was good.

Fight the power

What a lovely photo of a lovely young woman.  The picture explains it all.   Let us get together since I believe that most of those who "rule" over us do not care about us.  The only ones that are benefiting are them and mostly them.  Let us all "fight the powers" that be.

 "Fight the Power" by Public Enemy

"Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears

Oh, baby, baby
Oh, baby, baby

Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah

Show me how you want it to be
Tell me, baby, 'cause I need to know now what we've got

My loneliness is killin' me
(And I)
I must confess I still believe
(Still believe)
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me, baby, one more time

Oh, baby, baby, the reason I breathe is you
Boy, you've got me blinded
Oh, pretty baby, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
It's not the way I planned it

Show me how you want it to be
Tell me, baby, 'cause I need to know now what we've got

My loneliness is killing' me
(And I)
I must confess I still believe
(Still believe)
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me, baby, one more time

Oh Eh
Eh Yeah

Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go

I must confess that my loneliness
Is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here and give me a sign
Hit me, baby, one more time

My loneliness is killin' me
(And I)
I must confess I still believe
(Still believe)
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me, baby, one more time

(I must confess)
My loneliness is killin' me
(That my loneliness is killing me now)
I must confess I still believe
(Don't you know I still believe)

When I'm not with you I lose my mind
(That you will be here)
Give me a sign
Hit me, baby, one more time

"The Beautiful Ones" by Mariah Carey ft.Dru Hill

Listen, baby, baby, baby
What's it gonna be?
Oh baby, baby, baby
Is it him or is it me?
Don't make me waste my time
Don't make me lose my mind baby
Baby, baby, baby
Can't you stay with me tonight?
Oh baby, baby, baby come home
Don't my kisses please you right?
You were so hard to find
The beautiful one they hurt you every time
Ya take a perfect picture, baby
And bring to life a vision in someone's mind
(Still the beautiful one's)
(The beautiful one's)
Ya always smash the picture
Ya always, baby
Every time, check it out
[Incomprehensible]
If I told you baby
That I was in love with you
Oh baby, baby, baby
If we got married, would that be cool?
You make me so confused
The beautiful one's you always seem to lose

Time for change

I have been thinking about it a lot.  I have yet to make a lasting change.  It is time to do so.

The ups and down on the scale

I usually write about my life but not in this much detail about my weight, I think.  Anyways, there is nothing like being frustrated about one's weight going up and down.  I can go down 10 lbs. and gain most if not all of the weight back.  By the way, that has happened before.  As a matter of fact, I wonder if that is taking its toll on my physical health.  I also wonder if it is taking time on my mental and psychological help.  It has.  There are times when I am frustrated.  There are times when I feel defeated and give up.  I eat much and fail to even try to lose weight.  This should be a time when I can examine why this done happen.  I know of two reasons as I write this: poor eating habits and lack of exercise.  As a woman with polycystic ovarian syndrome, losing weight is hard.  At my age, I believe that it would be even harder, but not impossible.  I am not in my 20s and 30s anymore, so I cannot eat just about anything I want and lose weight.  A teenager to about 39 can lose weight quicker with a greater amount of ease than a young woman in her 40s.  That is just a part of aging I guess.  My mindset has changed somewhat.  I realized that it is not too late to lose weight.  In fact, no age is too late to make a change.  I do have a condition but I still make small changes in my life and that is what I will continue to do.  Like the pic above, help is a very good picture of what I have and am going through.  However, I realize that it doesn't have to be that way.

Getting all made up

Today, I am feeling pretty like these ladies below.  There is nothing like dressing up and making oneself up.  I feel more confident and like a different person with a little change.  I changed my hair and I am learning about taking care of my weight.  In fact I lost four pounds this past week. Therefore, I feel great.  I wonder if any of those ladies feel as great as I do whenever they doll themselves up.  Sure they look to be modeling photos but still..

"Are You That Somebody" by Aaliyah (RIP)

[Timbaland:]
Dirty South (uh-huh)
Can you all really feel me (feel us)
East coast feel me (feel us)
West coast feel me
Dirty south (say what)
Can you all really feel me (huh)
East coast feel me (baby girl)
West coast feel me (huh uh)
Dirty south (yeah)
Can you all really feel me (say what)
East coast feel me (feel us)
West coast feel me (feel us)
Dirty south (dirty dirty)
Can you all really feel me (yeah)
East coast feel me (baby girl)
West coast feel me (ha)

Boy,
I've been watching you
Like the hawk in the sky
That flies, but
You are my prey (my prey)
Boy, I promise you
If we keep bumpin' heads
I know that one of these days (days)
We gone hook it up
Probably talk on the phone
But see I don't know if that's good
I've been holding back
This secret from you
Probably shouldn't tell it but if I

[Chorus:]
If I let you know
You can't tell nobody
I'm talking bout nobody
Are you responsible?
Boy I gotta watch my back
'Cause I'm not just anybody
Is it my go, is it your go
Sometimes I'm goody goody
Right now I'm naughty naughty
Say yes or say no
'Cause I really need somebody
Tell me are you that somebody

Boy,
Won't you pick me up at the park right now
Up the block while everyone
Sleep, Sleep, Sleep
I'll be waiting there
With my trench, my locs, my hat
Just so I'm low key
If you tell the world
Don't speak, you know that would be weak
Oh Boy,
See I'm trusting you
With my heart, my soul
I probably shouldn't let you, but...

[Chorus:]
If I let this go
You can't tell nobody
I'm talking bout nobody
I hope you're responsible
Boy I gotta watch my back
'Cause I'm not just anybody
Is it my go, is it your go
Sometimes I'm goody goody
Right now I'm naughty naughty
Say yes or say no
'Cause I really need somebody (uh)
Tell me are you that somebody (uh)

[Timbaland:]
Baby girl
I'm the man from the big Va
Won't you come play round my way
And listen to what I gotta say
Timbaland
Don't you know I am the man
Rock shows from Virginia to Japan (what)
Have people shaking shaking my hand (what)
Baby girl
Better known as Aaliyah
Give me goosebumps and high fevers
Making playahaters to believers
Don't you know
Gotta tell somebody 'cause...
'Cause I really need somebody (Uh huh)
Tell me are you that somebody! (Say What!)

[Chorus:]
If I let this go
You can't tell nobody
I'm talking bout nobody
Are you responsible?
Boy I gotta watch my back
'Cause I'm not just anybody
Is it my go, is it your go
Sometimes I'm goody goody
Right now I'm naughty naughty
Say yes or say no
'Cause I really need somebody
Tell me are you that somebody

[Pause]

You can't tell nobody
I'm talking bout nobody
I hope you're responsible
Boy I gotta watch my back
I'm not just anybody
Is it my go, is it your go
Sometimes I'm goody goody
Right now I'm naughty naughty
Say yes or say no
'Cause I really need somebody
Tell me are you that somebody

[Pause]

Is it my go, is it your go
Sometimes I'm goody goody
Right now I'm naughty naughty

[Pause]

'Cause I really need somebody
Tell me are you that somebody

[Pause]

You can't tell nobody
I'm talking bout nobody

Support ourselves as black people...

Let us not support one another with just money but with all things.  We have come through too much to go back.  I know that we had black-owned businesses in the past.  With knowledge comes power.  With dollars streamed into our communities, there is also much power.  Let us as black people pool our resources, for which we have many, together.  I believe that all of us as black people should research and buy from and thus support our own business.   Let us as black people actually become a real community financially and otherwise.

Prayers for health

All I could do is to take action.  Wow.  Why didn't I think of that?

Anyways, I wrote my prayer about Lamar Odom.  I have prayed for others to be healed but it seems like my prayers go unanswered.  What is wrong with me?  Is it my lack of faith?  Did I say the wrong words?  Sometimes I say or at least think that I sing the wrong words.  I prayed for quite a few people only for their conditions to worsen.  One of those people is my cousin.  He was only in his 40s when he died.  He too was diabetic and his condition worsened.  I am finally learning the lessons his untimely death taught me.  It has taught me to take care of myself.  It has taught me to take charge of my health.  I wish he were healed as all of those who I prayed about.  I feel like maybe I didn't pray enough.  This is one of those moments where I definitely have questions for God.  I have questions for the Lord and I admit that I should ask this.  I believe that it is okay for us to ask questions.  We as humans don't know everything.  I believe that it could answer the question as to why God allows us humans to suffer.