What I am watching right now

Right now , I am not doing much.  However, I wouldn't say watching the first "Hunger Games" isn't what I call not doing much.  It has become one of my favorite films.  I realize that when it comes to movies, I am far behind the rest of the country but not so much that I have no idea who Jennifer Lawrence or Channing Tatum are.

Yes, I know that Channing is not in this movie, but it would be interesting if he were.  He is an okay actor, believable enough, but he isn't the best actor out there. Interestingly enough, I believe that he has been nominated for an Oscar so what do I know about who is good enough or passable enough. I misjudged him.  He obviously did a better than passable job if he were nominated for an Oscar.  Enough about Channing Tatum.

Right now, I am watching watching Jessie J and Tom Jones sing together.  They sound great together. If only they were to do more collaborations outside of the Grammys like Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett.  Anyways, that is all I have to say for now.

God, our Number One Priority

I am too caught up in the things of this world.  That is not something that I am proud to admit.  As I peel back the layers so the speak, I am reminded that all of us have issues and mine is that I am too anxiety ridden and I need guidance and support.  Every day is one day closer to victory and one day closer to anything that is better than temporary relief.  Having emotional and psychological problems are a daily struggle but with hard work, I know that there are possibilities but with God there are victories.  I guess that is what it means that little miracles happen every day.  I guess that is what it means.  I am certainly living proof that little miracles happen daily.  Getting my priorities straight is crucial is our walk with Christ and that I have gotten caught up with TV shoes and movies and sports and other things.  I didn't always take time to put Christ first and I brought it on no one but myself.  I have been living in a cycle of anxiety and uncertainty and it has been hard to take.  I often have these moments where I could not believe the answer was right in front of my face.  The answer is holy living and the first priority is the Lord.  TV shows get cancelled, times change, and friends come and go.  I will myself take comfort in knowing that God doesn't get cancelled, He doesn't change, and He won't come and go.

My weight loss journey and the issue of endurance

These quotes struck me:

"Life is a series of baby steps along the way and if you add up these tiny little steps you take toward your goal, whatever it is, whether it's giving up something, a terrible addiction or trying to work your way through an illness. When you total up those baby steps you'd be amazed over the course of 10 years, the strides you've taken."...Hoda Kotb

"I do what I love to do at the moment. If I wake up tomorrow and decide I want to dance, that's what I'd do. Or design clothes. I think I'd throw myself into whatever I'm doing now. It's not about abandoning what I was doing before, or giving up. It's about knowing that if I die tomorrow, I lived the way I wanted to."---Ayumi Hamasaki

"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. It may mean giving up familiar but limiting patterns, safe but unrewarding work, values no longer believed in, and relationships that have lost their meaning."---John C. Maxwell

"My best career decision was probably not giving up when I wanted to. God as well as my family and friends were there for me during my toughest times."...Jeremy Lin

I feel like giving up right now.  I have lost weight but it is in those moments when a series of mistakes are made is when I keep making the same mistakes over and over.  However, I am older, wiser, and my resolve has been stronger.  I have admittedly been on Weight Watchers before and I promised myself that I will stay on the program for a year.  Right now I have been on the program for less than 2 months and I have had doubts about staying.  Losing weight has been a struggle for me but with every journey, there are lessons to be learned.  I know that if I were to quit, then I will be left with wasted money, regret, and an unhealthy mind and body.  So far I have lost a few pounds since I have started the program and I feel pretty good.  I am not sure  how much I want to lose actually but even the first ten pounds sound healthy right about now.

Videos of what I like and what I wish to explore

I know that I tend to post pics and videos onto my blog.  Today will be no exception at least in this case.  I had another light bulb moment and that is to not make my world smaller but to make it bigger.  Having OCD is no joke and I won't let it make a joke out of me.  I have wondered what are my likes and dislikes.  I would like to know what to do with myself while I am still walking the planet.  I am thankful for much and I have decided to live my life as a grateful person.    These are the videos I like and wish to explore:

Yoga is like something I pass through yet I have not explored it fully.  I read the book or at least parts of the book but I never really studied out of it or applied it to me.  I would go to websites only to look through.  It was more of a window shopping thing than actually trying it on and buying.  This is quite a good analogy since I have never spent even a minute doing or trying yoga.  I believe that this would be a good start to any exercise program and such is the reason for my interest in yoga.  It wouldn't hurt to relax my mind in some way since I have OCD.

Pilates is another fat burning exercise.  Should I even call pilates exercise?  When I think exercise, I think of walking, running, and sit ups.  I would like to know more about pilates and how it could tone my muscles.  I wonder if it would also strengthen my core and my bones.  I am not in the best physical shape and I would like to try pilates for that basic reason alone.

I have a whole "book" of stretches that I have yet to do.  However, I have not taken enough time to stretch out my muscles.  I need to stretch in order to strengthen my core, and straighten out my spine and neck.  I have been having neck injuries for a while and I have been procrastinating for a while now.  I have been holding off on those despite what I have at my disposal: me.  I don't need any heavy weights or bulky equipment.  I don't have to worry about falling or anything else like that, but I have to deal with being overwhelmed.  Maybe stretching will somehow help me with that.

 Gardening and edging

 Home and decoration

 Crocheting

 Photography

 Muy Thai

Taking a break...with yoga and pilates

Obsessive thoughts and how to finally deal with them

Over the years, I have been having light bulb moments.  The light bulb moment is about the fact that I have had numerous obsessive thoughts over the years.  I have been having thoughts about television and watching television.  It all started with the thoughts about infidelity.  I am scared and have been afraid that a television show, book, or movie will produce a trigger about infidelity.  A word can trigger another thought or two.  I now realize that every obsession I have is connected to one another. I realize that and have been realizing that for a while.

However, it took this morning to find out that the obsession to infidelity is connected to weight fixation to being bullied to sexual obsessions to even racism.   It all makes sense now.  Racism and bullying are connected to my weight because I have low self esteem issues.  What do I do?  I don't know why I have the exact thoughts that I do, but I realize that it no longer matters.  The ways that I cope make things worse.  I am taking a big risk by writing it out.  However, I am taking a risk.  However, writing has been great medicine for me, so this is a way to think things through as well as to learn how to take action.  Confession is good for the soul but action I realize has to be taken afterwards.

So it all starts somewhere, so the solution is that I have to take some kind of action and realize that the nature of these thoughts are not logical and do not require actions.  Having these obsessive thoughts have caused me years of anxiety and heartache and guilt.  I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.  I also felt guilty for having obsessions and compulsions.  The truth is, I have never had an affair but it is also true that I have never divorced, had a paternity issue with a man because I don't have kids by a man.  I don't have a man so I cannot say that I have a reason to worry about cheating.  For that reason, I have often wondered why I have had these thoughts despite all of this.  I have never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on.  Why do I have these thoughts?  Having said all of  that, I realize that applying logic to an obsessive thought is wise.  It will never work and hasn't been this way, so why try?  Why fight these thoughts?  I have identified illogical exaggerated thoughts that really make no sense.  Now how do I reconcile this with illogical sites?  I guess letting the thoughts pass by remembering what I wrote about infidelity and what I have written just now.

I realize that there have been times when there are thoughts that are exaggerated, if not all thoughts are exaggerations of real life stories.  Everything in those thoughts are exaggerations to the point where even fictional characters become real.  All things become real.  They are not.  What are the thoughts about?  The key is to no longer fight them.  I have to learn to see these thoughts for what they really and let them pass.  That key alone is so difficult to apply.  

However, there are times when the obsessive thoughts are based on real life.  I have been bullied over the years.  I am overweight and have been called names.  I am black and have often wondered about the world around me when it comes to race.  I ask for reassurance or I listen to those thoughts to the point where that is all I focus on.  However, they are thoughts and illogical ones nevertheless.  I was bullied because I was the overweight "smart kids" who was different.  I never spoke up, I never fought back, and I tended to try to ignore it.  Being called names hurt whether or not they are to one's face or behind one's back.  I have to see that there are times when in reality I have gotten over it and have moved on.  However, the thoughts say otherwise.  I have spent my life as a result listened to and cared what others think.  Those thoughts are heartbreaking to listen to.  How not to listen to them has been difficult.  Writing about this is no longer painful and causes waterworks.  Writing this has helped me to learn about myself.

The fact that I have been bullied has made me stronger.  I have had all of these thoughts for nearly a decade now and I cannot believe that I have survived all of this.  The sad truth is that they will always exist for this is an upside battle.  The truth of the matter is, I need to affirm myself and fight one thought at at time, one bit of anxiety at a time.  I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed over the years and now I have learned that dealing with an issue one at a time has helped me greatly.  It is like a building block.  Just take one action at a time. 

I have thoughts about race and racism.  There are things that I have noticed.  There is racism in the world.  I am a black person so I thought that I should see racism wherever I go.  Granted, there is racism everywhere but it is not fair to say that I am a expert on racism, nor do I or should I see racism like every other black person should see it.  Some black people are racists or bigots.  All of us have prejudged someone, which is unfortunate, but real racism is about power.  It is the power to inflict one's prejudice or bigotry on others.  It is the ability to discriminate based on race.  It has gotten to the point where I worry about race and racism as well as classicism in other countries.  There are poor people and there are rich people.  There may be or are tendencies but it would be unfair to label an entire country based on a news report or what I have been told by two people on the internet.  My obsession on race has been exaggerated to the point that it has been annoying.  I obviously know about other things besides race.  I have strong views on things and I believe that whatever strong views that I have the OCD latches on to it and race is one of them.  

I also have been having sexual obsessions such as crushes and obsessions.  I know that I have to make a confession which is embarrassing.  I have had crushes and obsessions on celebrities and normal people.  It is about the fact that I will never have a man on my own if I keep going the way I have been going.  I am or was afraid of having crushes or being obsessed because of what happened in the past.  I have done a great job of caring what others think.  The best thing for me to do is to confess and move on.  What  I should do right now is not to care about who I have a crush on or obsess with.  It is either Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, George Clooney, or Sage Stallone (who has since passed on).  My behavior has been embarrassing when it comes to my crushes and obsessions.  I don't feel good about the behavior and the exaggerated thoughts and realizations about these obsessions are so sad. I even question why I have these thoughts about men I will never meet, are unavailable, are dead, or who really don't like me back.  I have finally learned to embrace them and realize that if I distract myself and embrace them, I feel like I can move forward.

Hopefully I can finally realize that no matter what thoughts I have, I realize that with every obsessive thought, there is a pattern and a cycle.  Also there is a solution.

Having freedom from obsessive thoughts and relaxation through sleep

Today was a free day.  However, I've had some problems.  I just want the thoughts that I had today to pass.  Having OCD sucks.  Falling asleep suddenly has helped me some.  Sleep has a tendency to ease my mind some.  It is during those waking moments that I realize that there is some peace of mind that isn't impossible to grasp.  Silence is definitely golden during those periods.