Happy 20th Anniversary to the "Brandy" Album.

I hope that I am not race obsessed

I wondered about that this morning.  My hope is that I have repented of this.  I am not a racist, but I wonder if this is true or not.  I feel uncomfortable around other groups and sometimes even my own group.  I don't hate any one particular group but I find other groups of people unfamiliar to me.  That is what concerns me.

I am scared that I may be a racist.  Even though I have repented, I still feel like I have some obsession with race and ethnicity as well as skin tone.  I come from a place where race and color do matter and I believe that this is where it stems from.  I am scared that I may be prejudiced, bigoted, or racist.

I am worried that I may have the qualities that I don't believe I possess.  I wondered if a racist, bigot, or someone who is prejudiced a good or bad person.  I have a hard time looking past the racist attitudes of a person, so I wouldn't think that they are good people.  I also have a hard time looking past the sins of others and label them bad people.  There are just certain things about myself that I would like to change.

I am also scared that I may also be a judgemental bigot towards other groups and others who do wrong. I just have so many questions about myself, some more mundane than others?  Why do some black people including myself refer to each other as brothas and sistas when we have so much division in our communities? Why is it so important that we have to care what other groups think? (I"m black.)  We are all people.  We all have needs, wants, and desires.  Just be yourself.

I guess it is like the infidelity thoughts that I have.  I am scared that I may be a racist who hates people or become one who hates others, yet doesn't like the judgement of others.  It is okay to not like or even hate what someone did, but I wonder if that has turned to hatred of the people and those that look like them instead of learning how to love one's own people and letting that be the motivation.

There are so many in the black community who hate white people today because of the evils of some white people in the past.  I believe some hate white people not just because of that, but because of whatever perceptions they think a white person in particular may have.  I have noticed that some of the very ones who hate others are the ones who do want to be accepted from others and make it an issue.  On the other hand, their claim is to lift up one another when in fact, it is hatred that brought black people down in the first place.

I have come to realize that when I was so obsessed with race, color, and class that I asked someone from a foreign country about that very issue to them.  Needless to say, they were rather rude; he or she told me that they didn't like black people.  I was angry and did not respond.  I just cut them off.  I realize it is that I wanted to care what others think and that I was really angry not just because of the rudeness but because I have an issue with people not liking me.  In short, my issue was internal.  Based on my experience, I have learned that we are somehow shaped by our experiences.

I am a conservative who did not vote for Barack Obama because of the issues.  Race played no role to me at all and it is sad that it played any role into whether or not President Obama was elected.  I don't like it when people put racism in areas where they don't belong.  I also have more pet peeves.  I hate it when people are critical of interracial unions.  I heard a funny quote from a comedy, "It doesn't matter to me. We're all black when the lights go out."

We are all supposed to be African dating far back, so what is the problem?  I believe that not just racism per se, but the sin of the world and racism is an evil and divisive tool.  Sunday is the most segregated day of the week.  I even had the nerve to ask a white pastor if I would be accepted in his service.  He said that I would be.  He was a rather nice man, but it pained me that I would ask that.  I wanted to be liked by others, black or white.

To me, I saw what it is like being black differently.  I saw blackness as a badge of victimhood instead of love, pride, honor, respect, and struggle.  Yes, black people have been victimized and there is still a lot to be done, but success, power, and intelligence does not equate to whiteness.  There is a lot of brainwashing in the black community in the US and I believe that we have to do the work ourselves.  This requires a renewal of our minds and learning to respect one another and learn how to disagree.  We also need to quit blaming others and support the very ones that support us.  Education is also very important.

Yes, terrible things have happened and are still happening to this day to people of all races and all colors, but lets not use education to divide and enslave people.  Education is there for people to learn and to uplift people.  Black people have more power now than we ever had before and we are taking too long to expect someone else to hold us up or postpone things we should be doing.  This is an issue that has me fired up.  I think that hating and blaming others including white people is not the answer.  It is learning to love, respect, appreciate, and accept one another.

What's going on?

Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today, yeah

Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Picket lines and picket sign
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me
So you can see
Oh, what's going on
What's going
What's going on
What's going on

Right on, baby
Right on
Right on

Mother, mother
Everybody thinks we're wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply because our hair is long
Oh, you know we've got to find a way
To bring some understanding here today

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Come on talk to me
So you can see
What's going on
What's going on
Tell me what's going on
I'll tell you ya, what's going on

Right on, baby
Right on, baby
Right on, baby

Trusting in Jesus Christ for all things

I have trusted in Christ for my salvation, but hardly anything else.  Being a Christian is about being a truly saved, born-again, regenerated believer who strives to be perfected in Christ.  We are to be thankful and prayerful and trust Him.  We are to be obedient in all things.  The Old Testament writes that it is better to be obedient than to sacrifice.  An obedient person atones and repents daily.  I have a lot of repenting to do and I have had difficulties that would not stun or surprise anyone due to what I have written in my past.  What will stun people will be the lack of trust and gratefulness that I have demonstrated.  Prayer is nothing without trust.  Prayer changes not just the situation but the person praying.  I have learned a lot today and that to trust Christ is essential to a believer's life and so is application of that trust.

Difficulties are here and may lay further ahead...

I can relate to the person above.  It is difficult.  Life in general for most people is difficult.  We all have our issues and our problems.  I believe in a lot of things, but it is difficult to put those things into practice.  One such thing is the issue of eating.  I do tend to binge and overeat at times.  Yep, I have to still deal with that issue.  I realize that I need to change and have realized that I have not changed much.  I still drink sugary drinks, eat fatty foods, and not eat enough fruits and vegetables for the day.  That has got to change.  I have to promise myself that I know I can do this.  This requires a change of mind and heart.  I need to affirm myself.  The problem is, I have difficulty putting it into practice.  I just wish things were easier said or written or thought than actually done.

Shine on Us by Avalon

I will learn and never forget.

I posted all of these pics up because I want to know how I as a black person should identify myself.  Yes, I am a woman of God, but the outside of me says something else.  How should I identify myself in the context of the Black African diaspora?  I am a patriotic, Christian, proud American, but I do wonder how African am I?  Am I that far removed that I shouldn't at least claim a small piece of Africa for myself?  I ask myself these questions because of the varying views of black Americans online and I find their points of views interesting.  As a believer, I believe that Jesus died for those of black African origin, whether or not they are American, Nigerian, Colombian, or Jamaican.  As an American, I am one of many.  As a black person, I am unique.  I came from a people who even though they were removed from their ancestral homes and largely not allowed to practice much of their ancestral heritage, became Americanized and accomplished much in a country where there were many obstacles to overcome.  I am proud of who I am first and foremost as a child of God, a human being, and a black African descendant, and an American.  I don't know much about articulating myself as far as my identity, but despite what has happened to black Americans during enslavement and beyond, I don't believe that we are a lost people without a true identity.  We are not African in the geographical sense, but I wonder how much of Africa is truly left inside of me.  I would like to know for myself about Egypt, Mali, Nigeria, and Malawi from travel, reading, and corresponding with others.  All of us are Africans judging from the "Out of Africa" theory. What is wrong with learning from each other instead of judging one another?  What is right about judging those "on the outside" so to speak?  What is wrong with learning about Sundiata and North Africans like Hannibal in our text books?  The Ancient Egyptians were Africans, so why does it matter what race they were?  I do believe that the history of blacks have not fully been taught by people who lack an agenda.  Some have a racist agenda.  Some have a liberal agenda.  Some have a well-meaning agenda.  But I wonder what is wrong with having a balanced agenda?  Why wait until college to learn about Sundiata and Mansa Musa like I did?  Why didn't I learn about them when I was a kid?  Why wait until I had a computer to learn about Fredi Washington and Louise Beavers and other black actresses from long ago?  Why couldn't I have learned about why there was a connection between Mali and Macedonia?  Had I known then what I know now.