I am doing much better today. Well, maybe now. I wasn't fatigued, but I was just tired. My body was just out of it. I wasn't feeling all that well. I have another blog which will explain this, but I am a diabetic and it is not cool. It is scary. It is not fun. It is serious. I realize that I have had hypoglycemia. I felt like I wanted to eat just anything that will up my numbers. There is just nothing cool about diabetes, no matter how much one has been a diabetic. I am really scared that my diabetes is advancing and that is not a good feeling to have. Diabetes is something to be taken seriously. I realize that now. I don't want the needles. I certainly don't want to be at risk for worse than that, such as the gangrene and the amputated limbs. I often focus on having bipolar and anxiety but I need to focus more on the diabetes in these blogs as well.
For at least 12 hours or so from last night to today, I was more than tired. I was fatigued. I was exhausted. My brain was tired. I don't remember the last time I had this issue. I wasn't scared at all, but it came upon me suddenly. Having a tired brain is no fun, not fun at all. I have suffered from some of the classic symptoms for a few days, but depression could also be a cause, so could having anxiety. Strangely enough despite the tiredness, my mind was calmer and I wasn't feeling anxious. I guess that is a plus. However, it is really a negative. I need to slow down, which can be hard for me to do. Meditation is quite a challenge, but I guess it can be done.
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted a shorter torso. Somehow, I have always hated the way that I looked. I was put on diet after diet after diet since I was before a teenager. I would lose weight only to gain it back. I realize that right now, I look like this guy in the left (same guy I know). I would also like to be the guy on the right. My question is are fat people lazy? Are thin people more attractive and harder working? It is one thing to be out of shape, but it is another thing to stereotype a person because of their overall looks. That is what has happened to me. I am not a fat acceptance person because of the health risks. I am risking this as I sound like a hypocrite, but my point is, I don't think that a fat person is necessarily an out-of-shape, unattractive, lazy glutton who have no respect for themselves. Stereotypes don't have to be realistic because one can be out of shape, seen as unattractive, lazy, and gluttonous, regardless of size. We should all be in the best shape we can be and love and respect regardless of our overall sizes. If all of us were in shape, then there will still be diversity. I believe that the war on obesity should be not just about looks, but about health, fitness, and overall well-being, whatever that would mean to individuals. I would personally rather live a healthy lifestyle with a healthy mindset and a healthy body than a person who has dieted so much that they ended up frustrated. Weight loss can very well be frustrating and even difficult, but it can be done, even with someone like myself. My point is, I hate that I am and will be viewed by some as a before picture, but it has been that way since I was a kid. I guess I have missed the point.
Today was or is very hard. I had no idea what to reflect on today. It seems that sometimes reflections of one's life can be difficult. It sounded strange what I just wrote. However, one's reflection is a mirror of one's physical self. But does or can it mirror one's soul? I don't know that, not at all. I ought to know, but the Lord knows better.. I guess that is correct because God knows who is truly of Him and who is truly not a believer in Christ. "Not everyone who says to me Lord, Lord, shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven.". To me that is a scary verse, yet I see that there is a connection between that and the narrow road. Sadly, very few will find it. Those who were being deceived into thinking they were truly born again have walked a broad road to destruction. That is scary and so sad. The truth is, only a small percentage will enter Heaven one day. My goal is to walk the narrow road and to serve the Lord faithfully. Another goal that I have is to be obedient and enduring. Obedience and endurance are also the marks of a true Christian. Sadly, few will find it.
I personally would rather have Jesus, than silver and gold. That is something that would be hard for most people, especially, to grasp. I had to realize that Jesus will be the judge. Money is nice to have, but we all need some change to make it. Money is that piece of paper or coin that controls our lives. The Bible states that the rich is never satisfied. This is from a wise man named Solomon, who was the son of King David. Solomon had all of the money in the world but was wise for he asked for that wisdom so that he could run his domain in Israel wisely. Solomon was a wise king indeed. However, money won't judge, but like I said, Jesus will one day. Jesus was born to a young virgin girl, who was betrothed to Joseph, but He was born of God and was God Incarnate. He died for us. We really really have nothing to worry since God is the supplier of all needs whether or not the need is money, more wisdom, or salvation. The thing about money is that while it is important in this life, all things will pass away. The riches of the world will not compare to the riches that Jesus has and will have and provide for his bride. The truth is, while one works hard for what they have, they will never be able to take that to their grave. Money cannot and will not save us. That is a hard message to many but it is true.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
I have struggled for years to apply this verse to my situation, no matter what is going on. I have had obsessive compulsive disorder for a number of years. In fact, I may have had it for most of my life. It is so difficult to try to maintain whenever a thought comes along. The video at least explains what God's Word has been telling me all along.
You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration
Cause we all know in our minds
That there ought to be a time
That we can set aside
To show just how much we love you
And I'm sure you would agree
It couldn't fit more perfectly
Than to have a world party on the day you came to be
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
I just never understood
How a man who died for good
Could not have a day that would
Be set aside for his recognition
Because it should never be
Just because some cannot see
The dream as clear as he
that they should make it become an illusion
And we all know everything
That he stood for time will bring
For in peace our hearts will sing
Thanks to Martin Luther King
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Why has there never been a holiday
Where peace is celebrated
all throughout the world
The time is overdue
For people like me and you
Who know the way to truth
Is love and unity to all God's children
It should be a great event
And the whole day should be spent
In full remembrance
Of those who lived and died for the oneness of all people
So let us all begin
We know that love can win
Let it out don't hold it in
Sing it loud as you can
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Ooh yeah
Happy birthday...
We know the key to unify all people
Is in the dream that you had so long ago
That lives in all of the hearts of people
That believe in unity
We'll make the dream become a reality
I know we will
Because our hearts tell us so
Yes, yes, yes, yes, Lord, yes
Oh, yes, my soul, my soul says yes
If I were you, I would say yes, speak, Lord. Speak to me.
Oh, Speak, Lord. Won't you speak to me?
I was so blind, I was so lost until you spoke to me
Oh, speak, Lord. Speak, Lord. And hear my mind,
Oh, with your word, heal my soul
Oh, speak, Lord. Speak to me. Speak, my Lord.
I love you, Lord. Save my soul
Can't sleep at night and you wonder why
Maybe God is trying to tell you something
Crying all night long, something's gone wrong
Maybe God is trying to tell you something
Oh, you can't sleep at night and you sure wonder why
Maybe god is trying to tell you something
Trying, trying, trying, trying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying
Maybe God is trying to tell you something
Maybe God is trying to tell you something
Maybe God is trying to tell you something
Maybe God is trying to tell you something
Lord, He's got to tell you something
Lord, He's got to tell you something. I hear you, Lord
Maybe God is trying to tell you right now, right now
I'm gonna praise your name
I praise your name
Speak to me, Lord
Maybe God is trying to tell you something right now, right now,
Right now
Thank you, Lord
Maybe God is trying to tell you something right now
Right now, right now. Thank you, Lord
I am feeling quite nostalgic. Well, I was. I recall an interview from Rashida Jones on "The View" yesterday where she said that she was nostalgic for the 90s. I get that. I am also a nostalgic person. I am even nostalgic from even five to ten years ago. I am getting to a point in my life where I can finally see the positives as well as the negatives of what has happened in my life. All I can do is not just to move forward. I just have to know where to start from and appreciate what is front of me. The present is a gift. That is why I too believe the present is called the present.
12 zI appeal to you therefore, brothers,1 by the mercies of God, ato present your bodies bas a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.22 cDo not be conformed to this world,3but be transformed by dthe renewal of your mind, that by testing you may ediscern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.4 This has been a verse that I have rarely acted on. I have often failed to take action and that has been the problem. I am starting to understand more and more on what this verse really means. I believe that these are verses on a believer who is to no longer live according to the flesh. I am supposed to take up my cross daily. That is what it all means. These verses are quite simple to understand when one sees it that way. We are to be transformed is not just a physical or spiritual thing, it is a mental thing. If I were to apply this, then I can see what is true and what is false. The world is place filled with sin, hatred, revenge, strife, and evil. We as believers are not to think on those patterns. We are to think and believe the way Jesus has us to believe. We are to be spirit-filled and spirit-minded. Spiritual warfare begins in the mind. Christians are to be sober minded, compassionate, and slow to anger. We are to show restraint, kind to others, and have our minds filled with godly thinking. We are to not be doormats, but to be strong and vigilant. We have an enemy who wants to destroy or devour us. With the tools that we have, we can win this. This world will pass away, but God's Word will not.
This afternoon I baked some homemade bread yet I haven't tried it yet. I hope that it turned out a little bit better than what I had baked Tuesday. It was good, but it wasn't done and it was cut way too soon after I took it out of the oven If only are the terms I would use to describe what happened with my last loaf. At least it made good toast. Baking bread has become a science, not just an art form. I hope to master it soon enough.
Here is my recipe for my homemade bread recipe:
6-8 cups self rising flour
1/2 cup butter or margarine, melted
1/4 cup oil
3 tbsp. yeast
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 cup warm water
In a large bowl combine the dry ingredients (flour, yeast, and sugar). Set aside for a moment, Measure 1/3 cup of cold water to about 1 cup of boiling water; add to the dry ingredients. Also melt butter for in a plastic bowl in the microwave oven for 30; add the butter and also the oil to the rest of the mixture and stir. Dust enough flour to a counter or to an extra large bowl so that the dough will be kneaded. Knead the dough for 5-10 minutes. After kneading let it set in an extra large bowl (if the dough was already kneaded in that same bowl) or transfer the dough to a large bowl (if the dough was kneaded elsewhere). Let it rest for 30 minutes at most. (The dough itself will double in size.) After the dough has been at rest, punch or cut the dough with a knife and cut the dough into two loaves. Knead both dough loaves for 2 minutes. Then shape the dough and place them into two loaf pans. Let the dough in each loaf rise again. This time let it rise for about an hour. This time, the dough will also double in size. Make sure the oven has already been preheated to 375 degrees. Place both loaves in said preheated 375 degree oven and bake for 30-40 minutes. After that time, take both loaves out of the oven and let them cool for at least an hour. Then finally, serve.
I have been watching "My 600-lb Life". I am saddened that there are people who think it is funny to laugh at a very fat person and mock them. Most of us in the world have to work at looking like someone who is a supermodel or has posed for the cover of a fitness magazine. Very few people look like models or fitness gurus. Even those who have those jobs have to work at looking like they do. In short the "beautiful people" I assume have to work at being "beautiful". I have often used the words so-called or considered, or even quote words such as unattractive or beautiful because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some of the so-called "beautiful people" have a hard time finding friends, loving themselves, finding dates, and struggle just like the rest of us.
People who weigh over 250-lbs. are people too. I'm sure there are those who consider them beautiful, loving, kind, sexy, and nice, but it is only up to the 250-lb. plus person to want to lose the weight and to love and respect themselves. We all need that. I am a person who has weight to lose, but there others who are at a healthy weight. There are others who are underweight who have to gain weight. Not to sound like a medical doctor, but being under- or overweight both carry health risks. That is the sad truth and I myself am living those health risks. I don't wish for anyone to not just carry them, but to live them.
Just like the people on "My 600-lb Life", I am overweight. Not because of my weight, but I feel bad for them. I respect anyone who wishes to or currently is taking action to get healthy, whether they are 50-lb. or 1000-lbs. I am watching this young lady about to be prepped for weight loss surgery. I cannot relate to her situation, but I can relate to the fact about the guilt that I have about gaining so much weight. I cannot speak for this lady's situation, but I too have issues speaking from way back. I didn't come from divorced parents or a tumultuous childhood, but there were times when I realize that
I wasn't always overweight, but I never realized that my weight would carry so many health risks and so many problems. I may not be a food addict and I don't know if she is, but regardless, ridiculing and enabling are not the answers. Neither are denial and mindlessness the answers either. What we both have in common is that neither of us have a healthy relationship with food. I may or may not be a food addict (If that is her reason, then I don't know.) but mindless eating is just as bad as a food addiction. Having a mission is about motion and taking action. Having pcos has helped me to see that. I do have issues that I need not just to deal with or work on, but to overcome. I believe that that is what the lady on tv has always wanted to do, and is doing, too. I wish her continued luck as I wish myself good luck.
I am a mistress of motion. It is as if I make a motion to do everything. Taking action is quite hard. I tend to procrastinate too much. Taking action is scary for me and procrastination is quite easy. That is the problem. I am afraid to fail yet I struggle so much. I cannot take it anymore. Now I know about the lack of action. I am just afraid. Struggling makes me wonder if I have what it takes even if I take action. However, motion means that I am ever hopeful. So, as long as I am hopeful, taking action shouldn't be so difficult.
I remember a teacher asking a rather dumb question. She asked how many of us are perfect and then mentioned that none of us are. Why do I have this perfectionist complex? I know that I will make mistakes. Who hasn't? I myself have made numerous mistakes and have committed numerous sins over the past 41 sins. I will continue to do so. The problem is with me either I am too flippant, too forgetful, or just struggle. It is not a healthy attitude to have. So, how do I deal with making mistakes and committing sins? I guess thinking about myself and the world differently would help. Writing has been cathartic for me so I guess it is part of the healing process. However, I am good at writing, but I am so bad at taking action. But what is the action and what can I do about it? Well a change in mindset would not hurt. Transformation and a renewed mind also helps. I finally realized that that is the answer. I have to see myself for who I am, not for what the world has me to be. Life is just too short to make everything a tragedy and thus fail to sweat the small stuff. It is just time to move on and accept it.
I was taking a good luck in the mirror. I saw mostly flaws and it didn't feel good. I have to see beauty and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Looking at the mirror doesn't help me sometimes. However, it can be a lesson learned. I would like to see myself as less of a person with flaws, but that will never happen. All human beings are flawed and have flaws. There is nothing. There is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. However, I have to see myself in a more positive light, whether physically or otherwise. Honesty about myself I believe is the best policy.
Right now, I just don't feel like it. That is not a good feeling to have. I am not proud of having those feelings but I am down and I am feeling down. I have been suffering from back pain and I wish I could just get over it. I have a degenerative disc condition. It is time for me to lose weight. I am scared. Putting things into action is in itself scary. However, with fear comes rewards. I cannot believe I just wrote that. Maybe it is a godly fear I am referring to. I hope that it is. Right now I don't feel that I have a godly fear but a real fear of failure. I would like to overcome it, and that is for sure.
I usually add the lyrics below the video, but I have decided not to do that today. I believe that God wanted me to do something more. I don't know what to do but this song was in my head. I believe that He is telling me something. Sady, I don't know what it is yet. I guess from the lyrics it is about the Lord's ability to do for us, for He is infinite. I am not so sure.
I have joined Weight Watchers this morning. I must take some action if I wish to lose weight and keep it off. My eating habits are poor and will remain so if I do nothing about them. I don't have a binge problem but I do overeat. I engage in mindless eating. Mindful eating has been a problem for me. I realize that all things can be done if I just take action. It will be a challenge but I believe that it can be done.
I have no love for nausea or strained eyes. I know that I drank a whole lot of coffee and tea today. Maybe that is what is wrong with me. I drank way too much coffee. It is time I look up information on drinking too much coffee especially. I just love coffee. I just love the smell of brewed coffee whatever the time of day. I even brew early in the evening. I realize that coffee drinking, at least too much of it, may not be healthy. I remember drinking coffee ever since I was a kid. It was a drink of grown people, not kids. That is okay. Now that I'm grown, I just have a love of coffee, decaf or not, whatever flavor. I just hope that I don't love coffee too much, but I guess things could be worse.
For the past two days, I have had matters that have weighed on my heart. It feels good reflecting back to the past. In this case, it has been music from 15-30 years ago, including a theme song. It takes me to a much happier and at least, a less bothersome and simpler time. I miss times like this. This is the case even though I am still young enough to be up to date but old enough to reminisce to quote Mary J. Blige. Don't worry about me. I've been middle aged since I was 30. I am over 40 and I am more energetic than ever and as it seems, my midlife crisis has passed. I know that 2016 has just started, but so far, so good.
Lord, I ask for the clarity that I received yesterday. You have answered my prayers and continue to do so. Thank You for the peace of mind You have given me. I ask for the conviction that I need to watch television and movies. I am obsessed with some celebrities and I watch movies that feature actors who degrade themselves and who curse and take Your name in vain. Now I wonder if I should watch some sports like sanctioned sports. I cannot be hypocritical and allow myself to be convicted of videos on You Tube while watching sanctioned sports. I have allowed my obsessive thoughts to give me too much focus on how I should entertain myself as far as what to watch and listen to. For instance, I wonder sometimes if I should watch soaps, even though I find them cleaner than say, Jerry Springer.
I sometimes wonder if I should watch indy films and some action films because of the violent content. I know about avoiding sexual content, but how about violent content? Sometimes I need to realize that some reality shows and other shows I watch may not also be good for me. Lord, I am sometimes confused and lack knowledge of how I entertain myself as far as watching some videos, movies, and tv shows, and music videos that I watch and music that I listen to. I read mainly the Bible as far as books go and some nonfiction. Lord, give me the answers that I so need. I am listening and waiting for Your answer.
I ask for wisdom and guidance as to how to spend my time. I don't spend much time doing other things and I want to. I need help in every area of my life, including how I spend my time. I realize that I listen to music and use the computer all the time. Exercise would be a good idea but I rarely or don't do so. Maybe it is time that I do so. The only reasons that I live how I live right now is because I am either bored, listening to the opinions of others, or I feel safe and sheltered. I want to change that. I have doubts that I can serve You sitting on the computer being entertained most of the day. I would also like to get out of the house.
I am not free since I often walk on eggshells around people. I feel like I am being controlled and I have been somewhat convicted but no by You, but by others. I need You, Lord. Thank You, O Lord, and I praise You, Lord and Savior. Forgive me of all of my sins. I ask that You would grant me peace of mind and freedom from fear, worry, anxiety, and doubt. I cast all of my cares over to You, for everything detail is important to You. In Jesus' name, Amen.
I live in a nation where there are so many people who are overweight and obese for a variety of reasons. I guess we have a different relationship with food than those in other countries. I wonder if the rest of the world thinks that we have nothing to complain about since the US is a wealthy nation. Most people eat when we are hungry. We can satisfy our hunger and our cravings. We also eat to live. I realize that those are the things that I have lately thought about because of my own relationship with food. I love food. It is just that food doesn't love me back anymore. I eat for a number of reasons including boredom, procrastination, holidays, and because of what stands for in my eyes. But what if I lived in a far off corner of the world where people are starving and dying of starvation? What would my relationship with food be? I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to be mindful of those who aren't in a rich nation where the food supply is plentiful and where many go without food. I wonder what they will think of a person who looks like me who feels guilty because I have gained so much weight over the years. I have taken food for granted.
Maybe that is, in a way why, I have gained weight. I don't feel guilty about being born in and living here as I rather be nowhere else, but I wonder what it would be like to not have enough to feed my family. What were to happen if I live for a day or two without a full belly and clean water? That puts things in even greater perspective about my relationship with food. I am ever thankful and ever grateful for what I do have, I am sheltered and sometimes I feel safe being sheltered. I do ask for a way out of my "world" and do something else however. I complain about that a lot. I am now finally realizing what it really means to be thankful and to be grateful. I guess that would be the advice those who are in need would say to me. Their advice for me is to be grateful for what I have and to not waste my life on things that are not as important. Focus on what I do have and be content for there are many who have none. As I write this, someone will get sick, malnourished, and probably leave this planet because of a lack of food and clean water.
Prayer:
Lord, help us and forgive us who take food for granted to be ever mindful of those who have without. Let us trade places with those who are in need. Let us not forget that where ever we are we have much to be thankful and grateful for. Forgive us for our lack of compassion and understanding for we could too be in need one day. Change us and not just change our relationships with food, but with ourselves and with others. Give us clarity and understanding on what it means to have without. Make us wise to the fact that we as humans should not only have a healthy relationship to food but also to be healthy and made whole. You created us for Your glory to follow You, for You have given us guidelines in all areas of life, including how and what we eat. Let us be reminded that we have not just food to eat but that many of us have family, community, and love to give. In Jesus' name, Amen.
