The meaning of Christmas

Interestingly enough, I have asked God how He feels about Christmas.  Strangely enough, He has never answered.  However, maybe He has heard me, who knows?  Of course God answers prayer.  I have in the past prayed about it only to see that maybe just maybe He has His own perspective.  From a religious point of view, He has no respect for those who practice idolatry or ecumenism.  On the other hand, it can be construed as a holy day hence holiday.  It is nice to remember His birth, but it is nicer to remember ALL of Jesus' life everyday of the year, not just Christmas.  I choose to celebrate that message and take that time to be thankful for His life, beginning at His birth.  I guess that is the answer I have sought even though no one ever said that God commanded to celebrate Christmas, but we are all commanded to obey God, be saved by Jesus, let the Holy Spirit guide us, and follow the commands as written in His Word.  Wow!  Taking out Santa and commercialism, there would no longer be a controversy of how to celebrate Christmas.

Should I celebrate Christmas?

Surrounding myself with the holidays give me comfort.  I am not sure if Christmas especially is really a Christian holiday, but the basic understanding has many Christian tenets.  Christmas has gotten too commercialized and does have pagan origins.  Should I just avoid celebrating it because of those things?  That is a good question.  It makes me think about how I should celebrate this holiday, if at all.  If I were to celebrate Christmas, would it make me less of a Christian if I were to celebrate? Chances are, Jesus was not born on December 25, but during the Fall.  So why do we really celebrate this wonderful day.  Those are 24 hours that I look for, but am I part of the Christmas problem or rather, "dilemma"?

Being thankful for

I have come to realize that it is easy to forget to be thankful for.  I spent many a time feeling guilty about quite a few things.  I am referring to having OCD.  I feel guilty about the fact that OCD would be minor yet it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders.  There have been people who have been affected by terrorism yet I am consumed about a television movie.  I should be thankful and I am, but I realize that I am not thankful enough.  I just wish I was "made whole".  I could have taken the time to be more thankful.  For that, I am thankful that I have realized this because I would not be thankful at all.

Music and OCD

Having OCD is not fun.  Not fun at all.  I realize that I should be thankful, but it is hard to when one deals with mood swings and thoughts that tend to drive me crazy.  Maybe I should just not let it, but those who often give me advice have no clue what it is like.  I wish just want to sing a song, dance, or anything to pass the time.  Anything is better than feeling like I am going crazy.  That too is not a good feeling to have.  Listening to music is quite good.  It soothes the savage beast meaning that OCD is most certainly the savage beast.  I am not sure where that quote comes from but I wonder if who penned that quote had the same issues I had.  Maybe or maybe not, but I wish that music. Sometimes I wish it did more than soothe the savage beast.  I guess music does a lot of good things like dancing to it and other things I can think of at the moment.  Whatever it does, the world would not be the same without music.

Defining music and the soul

I often post videos because I just love music.  It is good for the mind, body, and soul.  I have wondered what is the soul?  Is it spiritual or just cultural?  Soul music I believe is a cultural thing while the soul is spiritual.  Really, the word soul is just hard to define.  I have to google that.  I need to look that one up.  Anyways,  there is nothing in the world like great music featuring great talent. All music is real just like all forms of art is real.  To me Dave Grohl is just as real to me as Idina Menzel.  There is nothing bad about the music of each of these two.  I know that I have written a post about real music before.  However, I never really understood why some music is labeled as soul while other music is its close "relative" R&B.  What is soul and what constitutes R&B?  That too is just hard to explain.  That too I will have to google.

Loving to give gifts

I love giving gifts.  My hope is that they would appreciate those gifts.  To me Christmas is about holiness and giving.  I realize that there are pagan origins to the holidays but there is something about the holidays that make it special.  l think that Thanksgiving should not be forgotten either.  We as believers are to also give thanks to God for He is our Savior and our Heavenly Father.  Life is just too short to not be holy, loving, giving, or thankful.  It is sometimes hard to remember that when one has OCD.  It isn't a lonely time but Christmas keeps me distracted, but come 2016, what will happen? Now what?  I have hope for I am ever hopeful.  I give because I have learned to love and be of service to others.  I believe that is what is commanded of us to: to be holy and to love God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strengths.  I will not be too angry or be anxious, which will be hard, considering the OCD.  In the meantime, I will learn not to take what is given and is there to give for granted.  That would be a gift for me, if not the best gift of all.

Praying and asking amiss

I have been praying and asking amiss.  It has frustrating, but I brought it on myself.  I asked for my faith to be strengthened.  I have had issues with doubt, anxiety, and fear.  I have wondered why my prayers have yet to be answered.  I have come to see that I have been asking amiss for years.  I have prayed long prayers about everything.  There is nothing in the world like having a relationship with the Savior.  I know that Jesus is greater than my issues.  All I had to do was ask, seek, and knock.  It is quite simple, but I didn't realize that until yesterday. I believe that God showed me about my prayer life.  I am to obey Him and serve Him whenever I have prayed.  My eyes have been opened, and for that, I am thankful to the Lord for revealing that for me.  I am thankful to the Holy Spirit to continue to teach me all things.  I wish that was all I had to do, but it is no use feeling guilty.  Today is a new day and I can start over today.  Today is the day the Lord has made.  I am ever thankful to Him ad I also will be.

The reality of my "love" towards him

I have accepted the fact that the man I "love" will never meet me.  When if he did?  I have focused too much time on him and not enough on God.  God is real.  My total obsession is not based on reality.  The man that I "love" is no longer with us.  I feel like I am going crazy over this man.  I have at one time focused on this man more than I have focused on serving and loving the Lord.  That is a sad reality I must face.  I don't mean to sound disrespectful as I write this, but that is how I feel. I will never get to know him.  That is the sad part.  From what I have read about my "love", he was good and very intelligent.  There was a sadness in his eyes I can tell.  I can help but want to hug him and talk to him.  It is so sad that I cannot to him.  If I were to meet him., what would I say?  How would I react?  How do I tell him that I care?  It is so sad that I don't know him truly, nor will I get to know the true person.

King Of Kings (He's A Wonder) by Cece Winans

He's so good
I love him I love him
yes I do oh yea yea

[CHORUS]
King of Kings and Lord of Lords
Lover of my soul Jehovah
One and only God I am
Jesus Christ the Holy Lamb
[REPEAT]

[VERSE 1]
Thy truth reaches the clouds
Your mercy never runs out
We give You honor
Be thou exalted
above the heavens and above the earth
I give all Glory unto your name

[CHORUS]

[VERSE 2]
Hills melt in Your presence
And Your foes tremble at Your
Awesome power
I will rejoice now and forever 'cause You are mine
So gracious and so divine

He's a wonder, he's a wonder
He's a wonder, he's a wonder
He's a wonder, he's a wonder
He's a mighty God

So good, so good
He's been, so good
My God, our God
Has been so good

So good, so good
He's been So good
My God, our God
He's a wonder, He's a wonder
He's a mighty God

"I Love the Lord" by Whitney Houston (RIP)

I love the the Lord, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, I hasten to his throne

[Chorus:]
Oh, I love the Lord
I sure do, surely do love the Lord
He heard, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, yes he did
Every groan
Long as I live, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, troubles rise
I hasten to to to to to
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne
I'll hasten to his throne hold on hold on
Tears are streaming down my eyes
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

Yes I will, I'll run
I know I can go to his throne
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'm gonna run
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

See I can run, Lord you know I will
When there is nowhere to go I know I can go to you
I know I can run to you oh
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his, his throne
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'll hasten, hasten to his throne
Surely gonna be here

Reflections and musings

I have often wondered if my musings and reflections are just that: reflections.  This blog is not the traditional musings blog I know, but it is my blog and I know that it is a reflection of me, and rather, who I am.  I have a confession.  I have problems liking myself because I don't think I am a good person.  Then I come to realize that none of us are good, really.  Not one of us is good, and either am. The Christian walk has its rough places and Christians do have issues, but I also know that it is the road to life.  I am just about to reflect about my life when I have thought about the Christian walk. Sadly few will live the Christian life, which is a narrow road.  There are times when I feel that I am alone.  Yesterday, I told the Lord about how I feel.  I meant no disrespect when I told Him.  I am forgiven and have since repented of my doubts.  I have been struggling with doubt for years and I believe that it stems from a lack of faith or belief, but that is only my opinion.  I have not been reading or studying the Word of God, nor have I acknowledged Him in all of my ways.  That which is hard I feel has done much to hinder my faith.  I want my faith to grow.  My desire is to flourish in the Lord and to remain flourishing in the Lord.  I have mused about my walk with the Lord in some shape, form, or fashion.  My hope is that I continue musing and not lose heart.  My desire is also to reflect on what is important not only to me but to The Lord.  It is all worth it.

"Jesus loves me" lyrics

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.
Refrain:
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, “Let them come to Me.”
Jesus loves me still today,
Walking with me on my way,
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.
Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee.

My videos on Youtube

I have looked through some of my videos and I have to say that my hope is that they don't promote false doctrine of any kind.  I have been trying to reach others with my videos, but as it seems, only a few have been reached.  Jesus is Lord and Savior and that is the message I hope to preach to everyone.  I am not one who is forcefully converting others to the Lord Jesus Christ.  I believe that forcefully converting others will do a great job of leading others farther away from Jesus and Christianity in general.  I also will not compare myself to others and that is something I have done over the last few years..  My hope is that the Holy Spirit will convict others to Jesus Christ for He is coming back.  Yes, He really is coming back.  Today IS the day of salvation for none of us know what tomorrow will bring.  Jesus IS Lord.

Struggling and life

I know that I am listening to Christmas music but I have had a few things on my mind and on my plate.  Taking action is important with one of those things.  I confess that I am not happy about myself.  Waking up and barely able to move and being in pain is something that wouldn't make anyone happy.  I cannot "deny" it anymore, nor can I just wish it away.  It is simple:  I need to lose weight and do something for me.  I am at an age where I need to know about myself.  I am beginning to learn about myself and I need to stop procrastinating.  Just getting out there and doing something has not made me productive.  In fact, I believe that is why I am having many of the issues I am having.  I have grown tired and fat.  I feel bad for allowing my weight to get to the point I got.  I have a hormonal condition and it has been a struggle to have.  I know this, but I have to take care of myself for a change.  I have learned that lesson today with the "bad vibes" that I have.  I have also struggled with caring what others think and that has become a burden of mine.  I am no longer putting up with things.  I am just tired of the burden which has not been good for me or my health.  In fact, that has made my health worse.  All of the illnesses and other struggles have weighed me down and I need to know that there are things that I need to do.  I realize that I feel like I am always in a hurry, but the struggle has been just that, a struggle.  Life can be a struggle and it isn't fair, but because it is so short, I have to learn to make the best of life as it is.  After all, life is but a vapor.

"God is in Control" by Ricky Dillard and New Generation

[Chorus:]
Ooh is in control.
Ooh is in control.
God is in control.
God is in control.

What matter of man is this, that winds they obey?
What matter of man is this, that even the seas obey?
The Great One, for He created the heavens and the earth,
God can do just what He wants.

[Chorus]

What matter of man is this, that winds they obey?
What matter of man is this, that even the seas obey?
The Great One, for He created the heavens and the earth,
God can do just what He wants,
God can do just what He wants,
God can do just what He wants.
God is in control.

[Tenors:]
God is in control.

[Altos 2:]
God is in control.

[Altos 1/Sopranos:]
God's got it in control.

God is in control.

How I'm really feeling at the moment

I don't feel good about my body, especially my stomach.  I have great admiration and respect for those women who are like myself who truly love and respect themselves.  I have had issues with low self esteem for years and part of it stems from poor body image.  I am great at putting my body down and trying to build myself up.  I confess that I often look at pictures of women who are slender, toned, usually taller women and I find them attractive.  I can see why guys would find them attractive.  I am a shorter, heavier body type with a large belly.  Some of it is my fault so I feel like I have done a good job punishing myself.  On the other hand, I feel bad for feeling bad about myself. Life is just a cycle to me.  My thoughts tend to cycle, and so does my weight.  One minute I am a lighter and can move around better.  The next minute I feel bad about my myself and my lack of accomplishment and I just give up.  That has been an issue that I have had for a long long time now and breaking the cycle is the answer.  My mind tends to loop and I have been having the same issues over and over and over again.  There comes a time when things get too tiresome.  This is one of those moments.  I am just under 5'2" tall and weigh over 300 lbs.  For years I have wondered what it would have been like to look like in high school (1992).

 175 lbs.

 (1992-1993) 180 lbs.

to now, 2015 ~ 300 lbs.

I have been having these unrealistic thoughts for a long time now and it wasn't until today that I realized that the dizziness also may have something to do with what is wrong with me.  It is time for me to take action and stay in action.  I realize that I am not sure where to begin however.  I just don't like the way I look.  I just have a hard time believing anything positive about my appearance.  I have tried but I am also concerned if even this is a good enough reason to lose weight.

Day to day living

I am doing better today.  It is strange what I have.  But then again, what I have is not that uncommon. It is as if mentally I was all over the place.  I am just writing this because that is mainly how I spend my days.  Ruminating and fighting to stay as "sane" as possible is what I spend my days doing.  Of course, doing blogs are a good thing, too.  Having a mental illness can be a struggle on some days even more so than others.  I realize that if one were to read my blogs I would sound like a broken record.  I need to get out more.  I feel trapped in my mind at times because of my issues.  I think it is time I just take at least a few minutes to myself.  Just me.  Do a little inventory.  Painful as that is, it may be what I need to do right now.

Self love heals much

Lately I have been blogging on subjects such as dizziness, vertigo, and confession.  I have recently returned to blogging after quite the lengthy absence.  I confess that I may need to go see a doctor about why I have stopped blogging.  Life is too short to just not be focused.  It is quite the strange adventure having the mind that I have. It has gone on many a journey to many a place, some darker than others.  I am alright now because I now realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Self love heals much.

"Get Up" by Ciara ft. Chamillionaire

Ladies and gentlemen!
Ciara

He said
'Hi, my name is so and so
Baby can you tell me yours?
You look like you came to do
One thing (Set it off)'
I started on the left
And I had to take him to the right
He was out of breath
But he kept on dancin' all night

You trying, admit it
But you just can fight the feeling inside
You know it
And I can see it in your eyes
You want me
You smooth as a mother
You're so undercover
By the way that you was watchin' me

Ooh! uh
The way you look at me
I'm feelin' you, uh
I just can't help it
Tryin' to keep it cool, uh
I can feel it in the beat, uh
When you do those things to me, uh
Don't let nothin' stop you
M-ooo-ve, ring the alarm
The club is jumpin' now
So get up!

I said 'Ciara's on your radio,
Everybody turn it up'
Spicy just like hot sauce
Careful, you might burn it up
You can do the pop lock
Rag-top, don't stop
That's the way you gotta get
Get it, make ya body rock

You trying, admit it
But you just can beat the feeling inside
You know it
Cuz I can see it in your eyes
You want me
You smooth as a mother
You're so undercover
By the way that you was watchin' me

Ooh! uh
The way you look at me
I'm feelin' you, uh
I just can't help it
Tryin' to keep it cool, uh
I can feel it in the beat, uh
When you do those things to me, uh
Don't let nothin' stop you
M-ooo-ve, ring the alarm
The club is jumpin' now
So get up!

Ooh, I love the way you vibe with me
Dance with me forever
We can have a good time, follow me
To the beat together
You and me, one on one
Breakin' it down
You can't walk away now
We got to turn this place out

It's the kid that stay ridin' big
The one the police tried to catch ridin' dirty
In the club before eleven o'clock
Like I'm trying to catch a dime kinda early
Lookin' thick her hair brown and curly
She love the way my ride shining pearly
City boys say she fine a pretty
In the country boys say she fine and 'purrty'
My pockets thick as green, it's curvy
And the ladies know soon as they see my jewelry
If bein' fresh to death is a crime
I think it's time for me to see the jury

They know Chamillionaire stay on the grind
A hustla like me is hard to find
I ain't really impressed, yes
Unless it's about some dollar signs
Ain't really no need to call you fine
I know you be hearin' that all the time
I'm watchin' you do ya step, do ya step
Yep it's going down

Ooh! uh
The way you look at me
I'm feelin' you, uh
I just can't help it
Tryin' to keep it cool, uh
I can feel it in the beat, uh
When you do those things to me, uh
Don't let nothin' stop you
M-ooo-ve, ring the alarm
The club is jumpin' now
So get up!

Ooh! uh
The way you look at me
I'm feelin' you, uh
I just can't help it
Tryin' to keep it cool, uh
I can feel it in the beat, uh
When you do those things to me, uh
Don't let nothin' stop you
M-ooo-ve, somebody ring the alarm
The club is jumpin' now
So get up!

I got to have you baby
Uh, I feel it
I got to have you baby
I got to have you baby
Uh, I feel it
I got to have you baby

"Confession" by Bruce Lansky

Confession

BY BRUCE LANSKY

I have a brief confession

that I would like to make.

If I dont get it off my chest

I'm sure my heart will break.

I didn't do my reading.

I watched TV instead—

while munching cookies, cakes, and chips

and cinnamon raisin bread.

I didn't wash the dishes.

I didn't clean the mess.

Now there are roaches eating crumbs—

a million, more or less.

I didn't turn the TV off.

I didn't shut the light.

Just think of all the energy

I wasted through the night.

I feel so very guilty.

I did a lousy job.

I hope my students don't find out

that I am such a slob.

"my Vertigo"

I am, an uncontrollable urge. Some of the times, it's a mellow feeling. A wondering feeling of desire. A desire so strong that burns my senses. Imagine you can no longer smell or taste. Touching things hurt. I can only see. Imagine you are an absent spectactor of your own senses. I'm not the desire, nor it controls me. I am the desire itself.

Some of the other times, well, i just embrace It.

and together. We fall.

Source:
http://hellopoetry.com/words/21435/vertigo/poems/

"Gatos En El Balcon" by Fey

Si la luz te impide ver 
cosas que en la obscuridad 
ves con el poder de la 
imaginacion 
pon los pies en el suelo ya 

Yo tambien 
vuelvo igual que tu 
por un cielo tan azul 
que no quiero aterrizar 

Gatos en el balcon 
si nos da el amor 
todo puede pasar 
gatos en el balcon 
rachazando la realidad 

No se bien cual es la ley 
por la que la casualidad 
nos metio a los dos en la 
misma red 
aunque no seamos tal para 
cual 

Hoy por hoy 
no se ni quien soy 
hasta para respirar 
me haces falta 
estoy fatal 

Gatos en el balcon 
si nos da el amor 
todo puede pasar 
gatos en el balcon 
rachazando la realidad 
enamorados 

En el calor de la noche, la lluvia 
calma las ganas y sigo pensando en ti 

Gatos en el balcon 
si nos da el amor 
todo puede pasar 
gatos en el balcon 
rachazando la realidad 
par de locos tu y yo 

Gatos en el balcon 
si nos da el amor 
todo puede pasar 
gatos en el balcon 
rechazo la realidad 

Gatos en el balcon